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How to find a man in Europe and leave him there

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Post by sved » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 1:37 pm

Wow, that hurts. :cry:
Forgive my english, still learning ...

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Post by locallass » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 1:40 pm

Yup, somehow the German/Austrian guys are quite earnest. I've met my Austrian ex's entire family (including both his maternal and paternal grandmothers) and all his friends. I also knew all my German ex's friends and used to play sports with them on a regular basis.

But after these two experiences, I've decided no more German, Austrian, or Swiss-German men. Or any German-speaking men. There's a quota somewhere that says how many of each type we can date in a lifetime and I've probably gone past that allocated for German men in this one ;)

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Post by locallass » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 1:59 pm

Ok I haven't dated many expat guys, though I do run into some at work, from the clubs, during holidays etc. I'm not sure whether this is indicative of nationality but I notice each type has its quirks.

French men- somehow they like to go on and on about what great lovers the French are, how they invented the French kiss etc. I took that as a signal to move away from them. Really quickly.

Italian men- what the two American girls said about them is true. They literally try to pick you up from the streets in Italy. And they think nothing of pinching your butt. I know this because both incidences happened to me when I was backpacking through the country. And the part about them being Mama's boys? You should hear what my friend, a French girl dating an Italian guy, has to say. That is if you manage to get past all the expletives first ;)

American men- somehow they tend to be too loud, brash and forward. Culture shock. Major culture shock.

Maybe I was just unlucky. Ling2's experiences prove to the contrary of what I've said. Perhaps like the Singaporean guys, all the good ones have been taken already and those I met are just the weirdos.

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Post by locallass » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 2:04 pm

sved wrote:Wow, that hurts. :cry:
Oops, I'm sorry. The American girls who wrote this were trying to be funny and their pen might have been too sharp in their satire.

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Post by locallass » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 2:07 pm

Okay the full text of what the girls wrote can be found in this link for those who are interested:

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Post by seraphim » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 3:34 pm

Eric from the Netherlands wrote:Easy darlin, easy... :mrgreen:

I am trying so hard to be a good example of 'the Dutch' to you :wink:

I think you and another dutch friend of mine that just got married are doing a wonderful job of changing my views. But is it true that most dutchmen have terrible navigation skills no matter how long they've lived in Singapore? :P
And the sultans - yeah the sultans
they play creole...Creole, baby

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Post by dot dot dot » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 3:46 pm

seraphim wrote:
Eric from the Netherlands wrote:Easy darlin, easy... :mrgreen:

I am trying so hard to be a good example of 'the Dutch' to you :wink:

I think you and another dutch friend of mine that just got married are doing a wonderful job of changing my views. But is it true that most dutchmen have terrible navigation skills no matter how long they've lived in Singapore? :P
I think it more certain Indian ladies, who mix up names of locations, so one ends up at a different place as supposed. :mrgreen:

But... us Dutchies should probably be more independant and not lean on Indian knowledge in Singapore... :wink:


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Post by sapphire » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 4:12 pm

Ok fine, enough already! Think I did apologise, although I also said it served you right! :D
It's not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you.

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Re: How to find a man in Europe and leave him there

Post by babeluv » Thu, 24 Mar 2011 5:08 pm

locallass wrote:A friend sent me a link which made me non-stop.

Remember everyone, it's meant to be exaggerated and funny.

German Men
Germans are an uptight breed and they have a rule for every occasion. When there aren't any rules to follow, they're happy to make up a few. If you're surrounded by Germans, you're likely to hear the phrase, "Noooo, it is not possible," repeated several times. Many things are impossible in Germany. It is impossible to change plans after they've been made, to make funny jokes, to smile at a stranger, to help an old lady across the street, to prop your feet on an empty seat in the train and a variety of random things you normally wouldn't think twice about doing.

Sometimes Germans make these "rules" just to argue with you. A German man thinks arguing is fun. Just argue back for a while and before you know it you'll have him laughing (maybe) and buying you a beer for being such a good sport.

Perhaps the need to conform and follow rules stems from a German's childhood. In America, bullies pick on schoolboys, but in Germany, everyone picks on schoolboys - even the teachers who are supposed to rescue them. If a student doesn't behave exactly as his teacher wants, she'll have no problem humiliating him in front of the entire class. We knew a guy whose teacher laughed at him and called him a "lazy bitch" because he performed poorly on an exam. Ouch.

Kids don't just get it from teachers either. They get it from every adult - even strangers. We watched a young boy round the corner on his bicycle. A woman came around the other way and they collided. After the little boy picked himself off the ground the woman began yelling, angry because he hadn't watched where he was going. There was a restaurant near the accident and a waiter and a couple customers intervened and yelled at the child as well - never mind the woman was just as much to blame. The poor kid rode away sniffling and the adults were smug.

Potential Boyfriend Names (Name Pronunciation)
Christop: chris-TOF
Dieter: DEET-uhr
Fritz: Fritz
Georg: Gay-ORG
Gerhardt: Gair-HARD
Guenther: GOON-tur
Hans: Sexy
Heinrich: HINE-rick
Johannes: Yo-HAN-es
Jurgen: YUR-gen
Ludwig: lood-VIG
Michael: mick-eye-EL
Thorsten: THIRST-en
Ulrich: OOWL-rick
Wolfgang: VOLF-gong

Four Insights into German Culture

German Dogs
German dogs don't do cutesy dog tricks; they're too good for them. They won't shake, rollover, play dead, run circles, jump rope or kiss on command. And never ever, no matter how desperate and in heat it is, will a dog hump your leg. A German dog wouldn't be caught dead humping a leg.

German Driving
Sections of the German Autobahn (freeway) don't have speed limits and the stretches with limits are set reasonably - no 55 mph crap. Germans aren't wrecking and dying at monstrous rates because there's no LA-inspired traffic weaving. Germans pass only on the left. The far left lane is reserved for cars that are merely a blur when they fly past and lanes get slower and slower to the right.

Bicycling is very popular in Germany too. It's so popular that there's a line drawn down the middle of many sidewalks - half the sidewalk for walkers, half for cyclists. Bikes come equipped with miniature bells and they get a lot of use. You'll recognize the dingdong of a bell because it's identical to the one on your first tricycle. However, if a cyclist rings at you in Germany, it's not to say hello. He wants you to move. If you get out of the way and let him pass, don't expect a hand wave or a "Danke Schön." If you don't move, he'll plow you down or come frighteningly close. It's your choice.

All the hype about German efficiency comes to a halt at four-way stop signs. Europeans do not understand the concept of line formation or one-at-a-time and Germans are no exception. Instead of smashing into one another, as is customary in many countries, Germans yield to car on their right. As you know, a four-way stop is a square, so there's always someone on the right. As they can't break "the rules," there is often a long, confused delay.

German Time Telling Abilities
Did a German say he'll pick you up at 8? He meant 7:59 and 59 seconds and he expects you to be ready. German punctuality is extreme and fashionably late doesn't exist. Remember that attention to the clock is critical if you've got a dinner invite to your future in-laws' place.

Germans also save time when speaking. Every language cuts corners when it's spoken, but German takes corner-cutting to another level. When ordering from a restaurant, a German would not say: "I'd like to have the schnitzel and fries, please." He'd simply demand, "Schnitzel and fries." Germans have weeded most niceties out of their language; being polite takes too much time. In Munich we got a list of apartments for rent and called several numbers. Rather than saying, "I'm sorry, the apartment has already been rented," people saved time and simply slammed down the receiver.

German Theft
Somewhere along the line Germans must have learned stealing was against the "rules," because in general they don't do it. Sure, there's organized crime, white collar crime, e-crime, etc., but it's unlikely these crime will directly affect you. You won't come home with stories about herds of German schoolboys surrounding you and stealing your wallet.

Useful German Phrases
What You'll Want To Say: How To Say It:
A beer from the tap, please. Eye-n beer here.
Can I drive your car, please? Gib meer dee shh-LOO-sell YET-zst.
Does your dog bite? Bice-t dine who-nd?
Does your wife bite? Bice-t dine-uh fr-OW?
Just because I'm blond doesn't mean I'm perfect. Halt dine moon-d.
Please don't invade my country. Hill-f mish.
Where can I recycle this? Ish ha-BUH mule.
Why are you yelling? Vuh-ROOM bist doo so boo-ZAH?
You should laugh, the joke was funny. K-eye-n on-gst, eye-n fitz ist goot.

How to Meet Him
If you're lucky enough to find a good-looking guy in Germany, we recommend approaching him first because Germans aren't the most brazen men. If you lack guts, you can easily manipulate the situation and give him a reason to approach you. For instance, crossing the street without the proper pedestrian green light will make him yell. And yelling can ignite a great conversation. Did you walk on the grass when the sign said not to? Oops. Did you get busted for not having a valid ticket when riding the trains? Oops again. Did you throw an aluminum can in the paper recycle bin, you little criminal? Be creative and find your own instigator. You'll find it surprisingly effortless to get your German man target riled and screaming at you. Just keep smiling and keep cool and before long you'll have a date Saturday night.

Tips for the Date
Remember that a ten minute grace period won't fare too well with your German date, so be on time to get off to a good start. We advise against asking any questions about your appearance because you may get harsh answers. In fact, you may get harsh answers without asking any questions. If he dislikes the clothes you're wearing, he'll tell you. If he thinks you look fat, he'll tell you. The same brutal honesty goes for questions directed at him. If you ask how he's doing, be prepared for an extensive discussion about his gastrointestinal problems the night before.

The phrase "going Dutch" is a misnomer. "Going German" would have been more appropriate. Be sure to bring money because it's likely you'll be splitting the bill. Also, don't expect any romantic frills. There will be no door opening, no pulling your chair out, no letting you order first, no car door holding. You may even take public transportation to get wherever you're going. Germans aren't exactly suave daters.

What You Should Know about Germany
A German man will know many gory details about your country. In fact, he can probably name more American state capitals than the majority of Americans. He'll assume you know basic history (Everyone in his country does.), so to stop from coming across as a moron, try to fake your way around things you're unfamiliar with.

What You Need to Know About German Cities
Berlin: Capital, where the wall was.

Bonn: Former capital of West Germany.

Cologne: Textbook example of the war and reconstruction - nearly destroyed in 1945, perfectly restored today.

Duesseldorf: A medium sized city with lots of business and a surprisingly important airport.

Frankfurt: There's not much redeeming about the city, but they love their airport. It's a major hub in Europe.

Hamburg: Second biggest city in Germany, tons of bridges, and yes, a man from Hamburg is a Hamburger.

Hannover: Small city, host to the World's Fair 2000.

Munich: Wealthiest city in Germany, one of the most perfect cities in Europe, home to Oktoberfest.

Nurnburg: Nurnurg WW II trials, major market at Christmas time.

Potsdam: Near Berlin, where WW II treaties were signed.

Stuttgart: Very green, lots of vineyards, near the Black Forest

Wiesbaden: Ritzy city near Frankfurt.

Impressing His Mother
You won't have to worry too much about impressing his mother because it's doubtful you'll meet her. If you end up getting a moment with Mom, it's unlikely he'll care about her opinion anyway.

German Girl Competition
German girls are as humorless as their male counterparts, so if you make a sarcastic comment or a joke you'll be the only one laughing. You won't even squeeze a polite smile out of her. What you will squeeze is an awkward silence or a request to explain why you're laughing. There's a lot lost if you have to explain why something is funny.

Then there's the rudeness factor. Somehow an entire culture of parents neglected to teach their daughters how to be polite. We've held many doors open for German girls without a thank you or even a smile; most girls didn't acknowledge that we were holding the door. Yeah, bitch, I have a door in my hand because it's fun.

On the other hand, if you happen to get to know a German girl well, scratch everything we said. A German girl can transform into a new person and warm up considerably. She'll be a friend until death if you can break through the ice princess exterior.

When You Want Him to Go Away
If you want to give a German guy the cold shoulder, good luck. If you think his sense of humor sucks, wait until you see his people reading skills. He's used to dealing with practical, direct Germans so he's not going to pick up on your desperate subtleties. If you pull the, "I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom" stunt, you'll find him waiting outside the ladies room. If you try the bathroom trick eight times in one night he'll think you have a small bladder. You've got to be direct.

Direct can be hard for a sweet American girl who's afraid of hurting other people's feelings, but you need to learn. Just tell him you're not interested. If necessary, tell him again and again and again. Don't say: "I'm no good at long distance relationships, so I don't think this is possible." He'll try all night to convince you it's the only thing in Germany that is possible. No excuses, be direct.

If you can't find it within yourself to tell him you're uninterested and you're trapped with a German pleading that you "make it work," try the bathroom excuse. When you come out and see him waiting for you, pretend not to know him. When he approaches, look very confused. In your choppiest English say, "I speak no German. I speak no English. I speak only Swahili." The instant he's thoroughly confused, make your break. Note that it's important to say Swahili. If you name any other language, Germans are likely to speak it or know someone who does. You don't want Wolfgang phoning his good friend Fritz to come translate all night.
Hi Locallass,

Thanks for posting these, I really had a good laugh.. becoz alot of the stuff are true... :lol:

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Post by RobinC » Sat, 07 May 2011 5:40 pm

There are pros en cons about some dutch people.... But as we say in holland: Orange up!

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Post by Flipside » Mon, 30 May 2011 4:18 pm

locallass wrote:Italian Men
Ahh, the Italian lover - fabled to be one of the best in the world. Rome: fabled to be one of the most romantic cities in the world. Venice, Florence and Pisa all have great reputations and since receiving them, they've become stale. The same thing happened with Italian men. Back in the day Italian men might have been something to write home about, but now they're so in love with their language and trendy fashions that they're just one big cliché.

If you insist on finding an Italian boyfriend, let us warn you that living at home well into adulthood stunts a man's growth. Regardless of age, an unmarried Italian man lives at home with mama and papa and he's very short. Living at home also makes him very adamant about PDA. Public is the only place he can make out with you and abandoned parking lots are popular choices for "kids."

Potential Boyfriend Names (Name Pronunciation)
Alphonso alf-ON-szo
Andrea ON-dray-uh
Bruno brew-NO
Caesar Seizer
Fabio FAAH-bee-oh
Giovonni joe-va-KNEE
Gian-Carlo ZJOHN-car-LOW
Giuseppe yo-ZEP-pee
Guido GWEE-dough
Horatio whore-ATE-show
Ignacio ig-NAAH-sea-oh
Lugo LOO-go
Pedro pay-DROUGH
Rolando row-LAWN-dough
Tony TOE-knee
Zaccaria zack-HER-eye-uh
Zucchero zook-ER-oh

Four Insights into Italian Culture

Italian Dogs
Most Italian dogs are friendly, abandoned strays and thinking of them breaks our hearts. This is supposed to be a fun book, so we don't want to get into it.

Italian Driving
Italy is home to the deadliest road on earth: the Autostrade (highway) between Rome and Naples. Traffic lanes are undivided and hookers line the shoulders waiting for customers. Collisions result from a lack of respect for basic traffic laws and perhaps gawking at the women. Driving Schools in the country have to be mafia fronts because everyone on the road drives like a 16-year-old boy who got his license last week. Merging is a race, not a cooperative effort; signs and lights are merely suggestions. Moped drivers maneuver in ways we wouldn't even attempt in a video game.

If you happen to be in Italy during summer, get ready for the masses of people on strike. Truckers jump out at toll booths and abandon their vehicles in the middle of the road. Flying is unlikely to get you there any quicker because sometimes airline workers hop on the bandwagon as well. We haven't figured out if the strikers have a reason or if it's just a seasonal thing.

Italian Time Telling Abilities
The way Italians drive may lead you to believe they're always in a hurry. They'll tailgate you, wildly waving their hands as if to signify an emergency. Then they'll speed past in the left lane just to pop in front of you again with barely enough time to catch the next exit. After this happens a few dozen times, you may believe Italians are fearful of being late. Don't be fooled. They simply enjoy toiling with death. They never show up on time for anything.

Italian Theft
Italians leave no stone unturned when it comes to theft... and there's no shortage of creativity either. The examples we're going to give aren't secondhand stories about a friend of a friend of a friend. We have plenty of those, but we're sticking to theft stories that happened to us or to people close to us.

The most popular type of theft in Italy is the "is-it-really-worth-it?" theft. It's theft so petty you'll think it was just an accident. It was just five cents. He couldn't have ripped me off. Sorry, he did. If fact, when you buy something from an Italian store, in addition to being shortchanged, it's likely you'll be overcharged and pickpocketed as well.

Next in line for theft popularity is "help-me-I'm-severely-pathetic" theft. Gypsies wander the streets, often with a young baby (or a doll dressed like a baby), begging for money. These ladies look so hopeless you'll instinctively reach for your wallet to sooth your big, bleeding heart. You really shouldn't encourage the scam, though. It's not uncommon for babies to be kidnapped, used to get pity money then tossed somewhere. Plus these woman's looks of desperation have been fine tuned with years of practice.

We saw a beautiful, pathetic child cupping her hands and extending them to cars stopping at a tollbooth. She was so adorable that we leaned out the window and handed her a sandwich from Subway. Apparently sandwiches aren't a common donation. The little girl looked puzzled for a second. Then her desperate plea vanished and she turned to a sleek BMW parked behind the tollbooth, raised the sandwich and shrugged. A hand from the BMW waved her over. Apparently a family was proudly watching their six year old rake in the bucks and Daddy got hungry.

Third, is traffic light theft. When you pull up to a stoplight, some guy with a squeegee and a bucket of dirty water will start washing your windshield. You can tell him to stop, you can turn your windshield wipers on, you can even rev your engine threatening to run him over, but if he can find a way to continue cleaning your windshield, he will. After he's done, he'll come to your car window and hold out his hand for money. If you pay him, you were suckered out of $.50. If you don't pay him, he'll key your car and you'll be an even bigger sucker.

Italy is full of high risk burglars too. Meg's mom lived in an apartment in southern Italy for two years. During that time she was robbed over a half dozen times. The apartment was on the top floor of a gated community. The doors were heavy and the locks were firm. Someone must have had a key. Was it the landlord? A member of the landlord's family? An old tenant or an old maid? She had the locks changed and the burglaries stopped, but not before they stripped her of her fine china, several household accessories (such as the ironing board) and Thanksgiving leftovers.

Our favorite high risk story is from a girl whose family moved into a house in northern Italy. The day the movers brought their boxes to their home, the family was tired and went to bed early. When they woke up in the morning, everything was gone - even the blanket her little had been sleeping with. Apparently the burglars pumped sleeping gas through the vents before stealing everything the family owned.

Useful Italian Phrases
What You'll Want To Say: How To Say It:
Can I get a small kiss? Die me oon bah-CHEE-no.
Don't follow me. Ma-MMA!
I don't see anyone outside - is today another holiday? (Shrug, wave your hands around and look confused.)
I'll tell your mother if you don't stop it. Ma-MMA!
Is that your car parked in the middle of the street? Auto yourz-so?
Please stop humping my leg. NO bah-CHEE-no.
Where is the closest Catholic church? (Point in any direction and say): Pope?
Wine - red wine - bring lots. VEE-no ROW-so.

How to Meet Him
We're not qualified to give advice on meeting Italian guys because we only found good Italianos in Spain. All we came across in Italy were greasy, pathetic street rats. If that's what you're looking for, you'll be in heaven. A walk down any street in Italy will provide several suitors. Even if you're not pale skinned and wearing shorts, men will know you're a foreigner. They'll grab your ass as if it's a baby's cheek and they're allowed. And unfortunately, they are allowed. In 2001, the Italian Supreme Court ruled a man grabbing a woman's ass was not sexual harassment as long as the act was not premeditated. (Does "premeditated" mean the defense team must prove the man sat at home for three weeks and planned exactly how he was going to pinch the buttocks?)

Tips for the Date
Whatever you do - even if you have to pay - get your Italian date to take you to dinner. Authentic Italian food is worlds better than your favorite pizza/pasta place in West Lafayette, Indiana. The typical Italian diet isn't as starchy as you'd think; there's a wide array of fruits and vegetables. The most popular veggie (after the tomatoe) is eggplant. If you think you've had eggplant before, we guarantee you haven't had it like this. The soil is different in Italy (especially the stuff in volcanic cities) and it makes an incredible difference. Italians aren't into perverted farming, so produce is close to organic. Heaven. Then there are the amazing cheeses, meats, fish, cappuccinos, desserts, wines, etc.

Dinner could last four or five hours, so that may be all you get around to doing on a typical date. If you're one of those girls who chalks being violently drunk up to a good night, don't write off dinner in an Italian restaurant. Restaurants are often more social than bars and they certainly have a competitive liquor stash.

What You Should Know about Italy
As far as geography goes, you can never know too much about Italy. If you meet an Italian in Japan and ask where he's from, he won't say he's from Italy. Instead he'll name some obscure Italian city, assuming you know the ins and outs of his country.

Before you run around Italy telling everyone you're part Italian because one of your great-aunts was a quarter Italian, you should know it may not score you any points. In fact, it may backfire completely because the region your family is from (if you even know what region) has a stigma attached to it. The north and south hate each other. The northerners fancy themselves more civilized, but they have hole-in-the-floor toilets and severely rip off tourists. The southerners think they're family-oriented, but they're extremely sexist and stop talking to daughters if they leave home before they're married.

What You Need To Know About Italian Cities
Bologna: Small, very touristy, known for beautiful scenery.
Calgary: On an island west of the continent. Italy's hottest men can be found here.
Florence: The Renaissance, Galileo, ninja turtle artists (Leonardo, Michelangelo, Rafael, etc.).
Genoa: Bring your bikini.
Milan: Major city, nothing to do.
Naples: Mt. Vesuvius, Pompeii, full of lunatics, high crime, dirty.
Pisa: Nothing to do except ponder if the tower's designer made it lean on purpose or not.
Rome: The capital, broken ruins, full of tourists, bitter employees.
Vatican City: Not a part of Italy, but it's in Rome. You need to cover your shoulders to enter.
Venice: Gondolas, no cars allowed, too expensive, no nightlife.
Verona: International city, home to Romeo and Juliet.

Impressing His Mother
You need to impress your Italian boyfriend's mother unlike no other boyfriend's mother in the world. Italians have strong family structures and kids are obedient. If mama doesn't like you, you're history.

When meeting his mom, emphasize how close you are to your own mother. In fact, call your mom a few times every hour to flaunt that closeness. When eating pasta at his house (a house he is sure to share with his mother, father, sisters, brothers, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins), compliment mama on the spectacular food. Ask for the ingredients in the sauce. Choose one in particular and harp on it. For instance, say: "Oh, basil! That's what it is. Mom makes her sauce exactly the same way, except the basil. Hold on a moment while I ring her." Then grab your cell phone, press number one on your speed dial, and have a quick conversation about basil. Be liberal with the phrase "I love you" and don't forget: "I know, Mom. Of course I'm being good." End with a sappy smile and: "Yes, tell the family I love them all. I'll call you soon." After you turn off the phone, hold it by your heart for a moment and gaze into space lovingly.

Italian Girl Competition
Italian girls are typically sweet and non-threatening. They're not as cool as Spanish chicks, but they're up there. If you happen to meet a mean one, we don't advise pulling her hair or slapping her. She's a future Italian mother and they are hardcore women. If you think you can take her, be prepared to run like hell. She's Catholic which means her parents don't believe in birth control which means she has eight brothers ready to hunt you down. She also has a lot of uncles and cousins and the closer her family lives to Sicily, the more likely they are to be mafia.

When You Want Him to Go Away
If you want to get a point across to an Italian man, you must wave your hands frantically. Whether you need to explain that your hostel is on fire or if you're just trying to cross the street, your hands need to be moving around like mad. When you want to get rid of him, it's not just your hands that need to be flailing - it's your entire body. If he doesn't get the point, you may need to flail at him. Use open fists (The same Supreme Court ruling that decided ass grabbing wasn't sexual harassment also decided women are allowed to retaliate with an open fist.), elbows, feet, your head or whatever it takes. The same man you were attracted to for being so aggressive is still just as aggressive when you don't want him around anymore. He's won't be physically aggressive, he'll just attempt to dissuade you from leaving him all night and day and into the next night and next day. End the conversation early with your gestures. Italian men understand body language.
hahaha nicely said. well done!!

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