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How to find a man in Europe and leave him there

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locallass
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How to find a man in Europe and leave him there

Postby locallass » Sun, 11 Sep 2005 10:49 am

A friend sent me a link which made me non-stop.

Remember everyone, it's meant to be exaggerated and funny.

German Men
Germans are an uptight breed and they have a rule for every occasion. When there aren't any rules to follow, they're happy to make up a few. If you're surrounded by Germans, you're likely to hear the phrase, "Noooo, it is not possible," repeated several times. Many things are impossible in Germany. It is impossible to change plans after they've been made, to make funny jokes, to smile at a stranger, to help an old lady across the street, to prop your feet on an empty seat in the train and a variety of random things you normally wouldn't think twice about doing.

Sometimes Germans make these "rules" just to argue with you. A German man thinks arguing is fun. Just argue back for a while and before you know it you'll have him laughing (maybe) and buying you a beer for being such a good sport.

Perhaps the need to conform and follow rules stems from a German's childhood. In America, bullies pick on schoolboys, but in Germany, everyone picks on schoolboys - even the teachers who are supposed to rescue them. If a student doesn't behave exactly as his teacher wants, she'll have no problem humiliating him in front of the entire class. We knew a guy whose teacher laughed at him and called him a "lazy bitch" because he performed poorly on an exam. Ouch.

Kids don't just get it from teachers either. They get it from every adult - even strangers. We watched a young boy round the corner on his bicycle. A woman came around the other way and they collided. After the little boy picked himself off the ground the woman began yelling, angry because he hadn't watched where he was going. There was a restaurant near the accident and a waiter and a couple customers intervened and yelled at the child as well - never mind the woman was just as much to blame. The poor kid rode away sniffling and the adults were smug.

Potential Boyfriend Names (Name Pronunciation)
Christop: chris-TOF
Dieter: DEET-uhr
Fritz: Fritz
Georg: Gay-ORG
Gerhardt: Gair-HARD
Guenther: GOON-tur
Hans: Sexy
Heinrich: HINE-rick
Johannes: Yo-HAN-es
Jurgen: YUR-gen
Ludwig: lood-VIG
Michael: mick-eye-EL
Thorsten: THIRST-en
Ulrich: OOWL-rick
Wolfgang: VOLF-gong

Four Insights into German Culture

German Dogs
German dogs don't do cutesy dog tricks; they're too good for them. They won't shake, rollover, play dead, run circles, jump rope or kiss on command. And never ever, no matter how desperate and in heat it is, will a dog hump your leg. A German dog wouldn't be caught dead humping a leg.

German Driving
Sections of the German Autobahn (freeway) don't have speed limits and the stretches with limits are set reasonably - no 55 mph crap. Germans aren't wrecking and dying at monstrous rates because there's no LA-inspired traffic weaving. Germans pass only on the left. The far left lane is reserved for cars that are merely a blur when they fly past and lanes get slower and slower to the right.

Bicycling is very popular in Germany too. It's so popular that there's a line drawn down the middle of many sidewalks - half the sidewalk for walkers, half for cyclists. Bikes come equipped with miniature bells and they get a lot of use. You'll recognize the dingdong of a bell because it's identical to the one on your first tricycle. However, if a cyclist rings at you in Germany, it's not to say hello. He wants you to move. If you get out of the way and let him pass, don't expect a hand wave or a "Danke Schön." If you don't move, he'll plow you down or come frighteningly close. It's your choice.

All the hype about German efficiency comes to a halt at four-way stop signs. Europeans do not understand the concept of line formation or one-at-a-time and Germans are no exception. Instead of smashing into one another, as is customary in many countries, Germans yield to car on their right. As you know, a four-way stop is a square, so there's always someone on the right. As they can't break "the rules," there is often a long, confused delay.

German Time Telling Abilities
Did a German say he'll pick you up at 8? He meant 7:59 and 59 seconds and he expects you to be ready. German punctuality is extreme and fashionably late doesn't exist. Remember that attention to the clock is critical if you've got a dinner invite to your future in-laws' place.

Germans also save time when speaking. Every language cuts corners when it's spoken, but German takes corner-cutting to another level. When ordering from a restaurant, a German would not say: "I'd like to have the schnitzel and fries, please." He'd simply demand, "Schnitzel and fries." Germans have weeded most niceties out of their language; being polite takes too much time. In Munich we got a list of apartments for rent and called several numbers. Rather than saying, "I'm sorry, the apartment has already been rented," people saved time and simply slammed down the receiver.

German Theft
Somewhere along the line Germans must have learned stealing was against the "rules," because in general they don't do it. Sure, there's organized crime, white collar crime, e-crime, etc., but it's unlikely these crime will directly affect you. You won't come home with stories about herds of German schoolboys surrounding you and stealing your wallet.

Useful German Phrases
What You'll Want To Say: How To Say It:
A beer from the tap, please. Eye-n beer here.
Can I drive your car, please? Gib meer dee shh-LOO-sell YET-zst.
Does your dog bite? Bice-t dine who-nd?
Does your wife bite? Bice-t dine-uh fr-OW?
Just because I'm blond doesn't mean I'm perfect. Halt dine moon-d.
Please don't invade my country. Hill-f mish.
Where can I recycle this? Ish ha-BUH mule.
Why are you yelling? Vuh-ROOM bist doo so boo-ZAH?
You should laugh, the joke was funny. K-eye-n on-gst, eye-n fitz ist goot.

How to Meet Him
If you're lucky enough to find a good-looking guy in Germany, we recommend approaching him first because Germans aren't the most brazen men. If you lack guts, you can easily manipulate the situation and give him a reason to approach you. For instance, crossing the street without the proper pedestrian green light will make him yell. And yelling can ignite a great conversation. Did you walk on the grass when the sign said not to? Oops. Did you get busted for not having a valid ticket when riding the trains? Oops again. Did you throw an aluminum can in the paper recycle bin, you little criminal? Be creative and find your own instigator. You'll find it surprisingly effortless to get your German man target riled and screaming at you. Just keep smiling and keep cool and before long you'll have a date Saturday night.

Tips for the Date
Remember that a ten minute grace period won't fare too well with your German date, so be on time to get off to a good start. We advise against asking any questions about your appearance because you may get harsh answers. In fact, you may get harsh answers without asking any questions. If he dislikes the clothes you're wearing, he'll tell you. If he thinks you look fat, he'll tell you. The same brutal honesty goes for questions directed at him. If you ask how he's doing, be prepared for an extensive discussion about his gastrointestinal problems the night before.

The phrase "going Dutch" is a misnomer. "Going German" would have been more appropriate. Be sure to bring money because it's likely you'll be splitting the bill. Also, don't expect any romantic frills. There will be no door opening, no pulling your chair out, no letting you order first, no car door holding. You may even take public transportation to get wherever you're going. Germans aren't exactly suave daters.

What You Should Know about Germany
A German man will know many gory details about your country. In fact, he can probably name more American state capitals than the majority of Americans. He'll assume you know basic history (Everyone in his country does.), so to stop from coming across as a moron, try to fake your way around things you're unfamiliar with.

What You Need to Know About German Cities
Berlin: Capital, where the wall was.

Bonn: Former capital of West Germany.

Cologne: Textbook example of the war and reconstruction - nearly destroyed in 1945, perfectly restored today.

Duesseldorf: A medium sized city with lots of business and a surprisingly important airport.

Frankfurt: There's not much redeeming about the city, but they love their airport. It's a major hub in Europe.

Hamburg: Second biggest city in Germany, tons of bridges, and yes, a man from Hamburg is a Hamburger.

Hannover: Small city, host to the World's Fair 2000.

Munich: Wealthiest city in Germany, one of the most perfect cities in Europe, home to Oktoberfest.

Nurnburg: Nurnurg WW II trials, major market at Christmas time.

Potsdam: Near Berlin, where WW II treaties were signed.

Stuttgart: Very green, lots of vineyards, near the Black Forest

Wiesbaden: Ritzy city near Frankfurt.

Impressing His Mother
You won't have to worry too much about impressing his mother because it's doubtful you'll meet her. If you end up getting a moment with Mom, it's unlikely he'll care about her opinion anyway.

German Girl Competition
German girls are as humorless as their male counterparts, so if you make a sarcastic comment or a joke you'll be the only one laughing. You won't even squeeze a polite smile out of her. What you will squeeze is an awkward silence or a request to explain why you're laughing. There's a lot lost if you have to explain why something is funny.

Then there's the rudeness factor. Somehow an entire culture of parents neglected to teach their daughters how to be polite. We've held many doors open for German girls without a thank you or even a smile; most girls didn't acknowledge that we were holding the door. Yeah, bitch, I have a door in my hand because it's fun.

On the other hand, if you happen to get to know a German girl well, scratch everything we said. A German girl can transform into a new person and warm up considerably. She'll be a friend until death if you can break through the ice princess exterior.

When You Want Him to Go Away
If you want to give a German guy the cold shoulder, good luck. If you think his sense of humor sucks, wait until you see his people reading skills. He's used to dealing with practical, direct Germans so he's not going to pick up on your desperate subtleties. If you pull the, "I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom" stunt, you'll find him waiting outside the ladies room. If you try the bathroom trick eight times in one night he'll think you have a small bladder. You've got to be direct.

Direct can be hard for a sweet American girl who's afraid of hurting other people's feelings, but you need to learn. Just tell him you're not interested. If necessary, tell him again and again and again. Don't say: "I'm no good at long distance relationships, so I don't think this is possible." He'll try all night to convince you it's the only thing in Germany that is possible. No excuses, be direct.

If you can't find it within yourself to tell him you're uninterested and you're trapped with a German pleading that you "make it work," try the bathroom excuse. When you come out and see him waiting for you, pretend not to know him. When he approaches, look very confused. In your choppiest English say, "I speak no German. I speak no English. I speak only Swahili." The instant he's thoroughly confused, make your break. Note that it's important to say Swahili. If you name any other language, Germans are likely to speak it or know someone who does. You don't want Wolfgang phoning his good friend Fritz to come translate all night.

locallass
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Postby locallass » Sun, 11 Sep 2005 10:54 am

French Men
A woman once told us that French men are so "well-adjusted" because they're not victims of their mothers. They're not spoiled like American boys so they have a chance to develop a sensitive side. We'd like to know what sensitive side this woman was talking about. Did she mean the side where he chain smokes, blows it in your face, tells you that you're too fat/skinny and that he doesn't like your hair? Maybe she meant the side that almost hit you with his car as you crossed the street, in the pedestrian zone, with the "cross now" light flashing. That's all the sensitivity we've seen in Frenchmen.

Potential Boyfriend Names (Name Pronunciation)
Antoin: anne-tw-ON
Claude: Cloud
François: Fran-SWA
Guilliom: GEE-yum
Henri: ON-ree
Jean: jz-ON
Jean-Jacques: jz-ON JZACK
Jean-Luc: jz-ON LOU-ck
Jean-Pierre: jz-ON pee-AIR
Laurent: Luh-RAUNT
Luc: LOU-ck
Marcel: Mar-SELL
Michel: Mee-SH-ell
Philippe: fill-EEP
Rene: ren-AY

Four Insights into French Culture

French Dogs
Visualize a French dog. Are you thinking of a snobby little poodle with ribbons in her hair prancing like she's God's gift to the animal kingdom? You've got it, but don't discount big, fuzzy, sloppy dogs: sometimes they're French as well. The only common denominator with French dogs is their owners' adversity to cleaning up after them. The French found it easier to create a superstition about stepping in shit being good luck rather than picking it up. Don't be surprised if you find some good luck in a boutique, restaurant or even a nightclub. They take their damn dogs everywhere.

French Driving
French drivers fall somewhere between the erratic Italians and the obedient Germans. What sets them apart are their attitudes. Make a small mistake and a chauvinistic male pig driver will honk, yell and flail his arms at you. A few miles down the road, however, he'll forget you crossed him because he'll be busy cursing out someone else. Piss off a woman driver and she won't outwardly misbehave. Instead, she'll follow you forty miles and run you off a cliff.

French Time Telling Abilities
Is this the place where we're supposed to toss in some predictable joke about the French never winning a war?

French Theft
French people aren't known for theft, but we've known a few victims. A friend of ours had her wallet, passport and camera stolen from the purse on her shoulder while she walked down the street. Though not a leader in theft, the French have their fair share of crafty thieves. They've also got masses of illegal street vendors who scatter like mad when the police cruise by.

Useful French Phrases
What You'll Want To Say: How To Say It:
Chauvinist is a French word, right? show-van-EEST ett oon moe frawn-SAY, no?
Does your mom hate me or does she glare at everyone that way? esque-KUH son mare ett oon bet new-ARE?
If feminist means I refuse to clean your apartment, then I suppose I am one. beh-SAY twa.
I'm from the English-speaking part of Canada. jay nay swee pa A-mare-ican.
Let's order another bottle. DUH-OWN-ay muh-wa vin.
This food sucks, where's McDonald's? Jem la quiw-SEEN frawn-SAYS.
Your language is ugly. beh-SAY twa.


How to Meet Him
We're not sure where you'll find a good Frenchman, but we can tell you where not to look. No self-respecting Frenchman would be caught dead at an American establishment like EuroDisney or McDonald's. When EuroDisney opened, they enforced a no alcohol policy that didn't go over well with the French. Citizens boycotted the theme park even after they allowed alcohol. Then there's McDonald's - the French farmers protest because their work is becoming obsolete and the French citizens protest because le Big Mac tastes like vomit. It makes sense that a Frenchman wouldn't hang out on an American establishment; they're trying to get English words like "email" out of their language and trying to get American corporations like Wal-Mart off their property.

Tips for the Date
Though famed for elegant perfumes, the French love to stink. You know the thing in the bathroom that looks like a miniature urinal? It's actually a sink to wash your genitals. You'll never see them in America because we believe personal hygiene should be taken care of in the shower once a day, not in the bidet once a week. It's important to note these cultural differences because you'll want to avoid showering for at least 72 hours prior to a date with a French man. If you smell like roses, deodorant or their infamous perfume, you'll lose points for being "unnatural."

What You Should Know about France
You won't be expected to know a damn thing about France because you won't be expected to participate in a conversation. A Frenchman will take you to a French restaurant with French cuisine and talk about French culture and French life. He'll have an opinion on everything and direct the conversation in the way of art, politics and history to demonstrate how cultured he is. All this blather and he'll expect no contributions from you. If you stand up for yourself, your country or your gender, he'll brand you a crazy American feminist. If you smile a lot, he'll think you're an airhead. Just keep your lips pursed and give an occasional nod.

What You Need To Know About French Cities
Bordeaux: Best of the seven wine regions in France.
Calais: Go here to book it to England via the ferry.
Corsica Island: near Italy, birthplace of Napoleon Bonaparte.
Dijon: Mustard - duh.
Lourdes: The Virgin Mary is said to have made a few visits.
Monaco: The original Monte Carlo: come dressed well, bring lots of money, lose it all.
Nice: Many international trains end here.
Normandy: Watch Saving Private Ryan to understand.
Paris: Worst place in the entire country.
Sangatte: Connects to England via the Chunnel tunnel - 23 miles of tunnel are underwater.

Impressing His Mother
Sorry girls, but you'll never impress his mother. She's French and you're not. You're dating her son and she's not. That's two strikes already. If your French boy fails to make a proper introduction between the two of you, you're in big trouble. Under no circumstances are you allowed to introduce yourself. You'll have to spend the entire evening assuming the role of a fly on the wall.

French Girl Competition
French girls are nasty. It's not that they're mean people (maybe they are) who are trying to be rude (maybe they are), their social structures are just different. While American girls aspire to be well-liked and have bunches of friends, being popular is the last thing a French girl wants. The French believe mass social acceptance signifies a weak character. If everyone likes a girl she must be fake and uncomplicated. To preserve her reputation, a French girl is not going to be warm and welcoming. In fact, she'll be as bitchy as she can to insure your animosity.

When You Want Him to Go Away
Fortunately a Frenchman understands the word "no." He may follow you around the city for days, but when you finally get up the nerve to tell the pretentious, chauvinistic prick to kiss your derriere, he'll take the hint. If you're in a good mood, you don't even have to resort to rudeness. You can give him two or three or four (depending on the region) kisses on the cheek and say "Au revoir."

Critically Acclaimed French Films
Beau Pere (Bertrand Blier): A touching film... a man loses his wife in a car accident then has a steamy affair with his fourteen year-old stepdaughter.

Delicatessen (Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Marc Caro): A landlord in the post-apocalyptic future feeds tenants the corpses of apartment superintendents he killed - such a mockery of French cuisine.

Le Souffle au Coeur (Louis Malle): Another touching film... a troubled young boy has a heated love affair with his mother.

Ma Vie en Rose (Alain Berliner): A man wishes to be a little girl so he undergoes a sex change only to be shunned by friends and family.

Monsieur Hire (Patrice Leconte): A lonely middle-aged pervert watches a young girl undress and/or get it on every night. She takes advantage of the situation and frames him for a murder her boyfriend committed.

locallass
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Postby locallass » Sun, 11 Sep 2005 11:01 am

Italian Men
Ahh, the Italian lover - fabled to be one of the best in the world. Rome: fabled to be one of the most romantic cities in the world. Venice, Florence and Pisa all have great reputations and since receiving them, they've become stale. The same thing happened with Italian men. Back in the day Italian men might have been something to write home about, but now they're so in love with their language and trendy fashions that they're just one big cliché.

If you insist on finding an Italian boyfriend, let us warn you that living at home well into adulthood stunts a man's growth. Regardless of age, an unmarried Italian man lives at home with mama and papa and he's very short. Living at home also makes him very adamant about PDA. Public is the only place he can make out with you and abandoned parking lots are popular choices for "kids."

Potential Boyfriend Names (Name Pronunciation)
Alphonso alf-ON-szo
Andrea ON-dray-uh
Bruno brew-NO
Caesar Seizer
Fabio FAAH-bee-oh
Giovonni joe-va-KNEE
Gian-Carlo ZJOHN-car-LOW
Giuseppe yo-ZEP-pee
Guido GWEE-dough
Horatio whore-ATE-show
Ignacio ig-NAAH-sea-oh
Lugo LOO-go
Pedro pay-DROUGH
Rolando row-LAWN-dough
Tony TOE-knee
Zaccaria zack-HER-eye-uh
Zucchero zook-ER-oh

Four Insights into Italian Culture

Italian Dogs
Most Italian dogs are friendly, abandoned strays and thinking of them breaks our hearts. This is supposed to be a fun book, so we don't want to get into it.

Italian Driving
Italy is home to the deadliest road on earth: the Autostrade (highway) between Rome and Naples. Traffic lanes are undivided and hookers line the shoulders waiting for customers. Collisions result from a lack of respect for basic traffic laws and perhaps gawking at the women. Driving Schools in the country have to be mafia fronts because everyone on the road drives like a 16-year-old boy who got his license last week. Merging is a race, not a cooperative effort; signs and lights are merely suggestions. Moped drivers maneuver in ways we wouldn't even attempt in a video game.

If you happen to be in Italy during summer, get ready for the masses of people on strike. Truckers jump out at toll booths and abandon their vehicles in the middle of the road. Flying is unlikely to get you there any quicker because sometimes airline workers hop on the bandwagon as well. We haven't figured out if the strikers have a reason or if it's just a seasonal thing.

Italian Time Telling Abilities
The way Italians drive may lead you to believe they're always in a hurry. They'll tailgate you, wildly waving their hands as if to signify an emergency. Then they'll speed past in the left lane just to pop in front of you again with barely enough time to catch the next exit. After this happens a few dozen times, you may believe Italians are fearful of being late. Don't be fooled. They simply enjoy toiling with death. They never show up on time for anything.

Italian Theft
Italians leave no stone unturned when it comes to theft... and there's no shortage of creativity either. The examples we're going to give aren't secondhand stories about a friend of a friend of a friend. We have plenty of those, but we're sticking to theft stories that happened to us or to people close to us.

The most popular type of theft in Italy is the "is-it-really-worth-it?" theft. It's theft so petty you'll think it was just an accident. It was just five cents. He couldn't have ripped me off. Sorry, he did. If fact, when you buy something from an Italian store, in addition to being shortchanged, it's likely you'll be overcharged and pickpocketed as well.

Next in line for theft popularity is "help-me-I'm-severely-pathetic" theft. Gypsies wander the streets, often with a young baby (or a doll dressed like a baby), begging for money. These ladies look so hopeless you'll instinctively reach for your wallet to sooth your big, bleeding heart. You really shouldn't encourage the scam, though. It's not uncommon for babies to be kidnapped, used to get pity money then tossed somewhere. Plus these woman's looks of desperation have been fine tuned with years of practice.

We saw a beautiful, pathetic child cupping her hands and extending them to cars stopping at a tollbooth. She was so adorable that we leaned out the window and handed her a sandwich from Subway. Apparently sandwiches aren't a common donation. The little girl looked puzzled for a second. Then her desperate plea vanished and she turned to a sleek BMW parked behind the tollbooth, raised the sandwich and shrugged. A hand from the BMW waved her over. Apparently a family was proudly watching their six year old rake in the bucks and Daddy got hungry.

Third, is traffic light theft. When you pull up to a stoplight, some guy with a squeegee and a bucket of dirty water will start washing your windshield. You can tell him to stop, you can turn your windshield wipers on, you can even rev your engine threatening to run him over, but if he can find a way to continue cleaning your windshield, he will. After he's done, he'll come to your car window and hold out his hand for money. If you pay him, you were suckered out of $.50. If you don't pay him, he'll key your car and you'll be an even bigger sucker.

Italy is full of high risk burglars too. Meg's mom lived in an apartment in southern Italy for two years. During that time she was robbed over a half dozen times. The apartment was on the top floor of a gated community. The doors were heavy and the locks were firm. Someone must have had a key. Was it the landlord? A member of the landlord's family? An old tenant or an old maid? She had the locks changed and the burglaries stopped, but not before they stripped her of her fine china, several household accessories (such as the ironing board) and Thanksgiving leftovers.

Our favorite high risk story is from a girl whose family moved into a house in northern Italy. The day the Movers brought their boxes to their home, the family was tired and went to bed early. When they woke up in the morning, everything was gone - even the blanket her little had been sleeping with. Apparently the burglars pumped sleeping gas through the vents before stealing everything the family owned.

Useful Italian Phrases
What You'll Want To Say: How To Say It:
Can I get a small kiss? Die me oon bah-CHEE-no.
Don't follow me. Ma-MMA!
I don't see anyone outside - is today another holiday? (Shrug, wave your hands around and look confused.)
I'll tell your mother if you don't stop it. Ma-MMA!
Is that your car parked in the middle of the street? Auto yourz-so?
Please stop humping my leg. NO bah-CHEE-no.
Where is the closest Catholic church? (Point in any direction and say): Pope?
Wine - red wine - bring lots. VEE-no ROW-so.


How to Meet Him
We're not qualified to give advice on meeting Italian guys because we only found good Italianos in Spain. All we came across in Italy were greasy, pathetic street rats. If that's what you're looking for, you'll be in heaven. A walk down any street in Italy will provide several suitors. Even if you're not pale skinned and wearing shorts, men will know you're a foreigner. They'll grab your ass as if it's a baby's cheek and they're allowed. And unfortunately, they are allowed. In 2001, the Italian Supreme Court ruled a man grabbing a woman's ass was not sexual harassment as long as the act was not premeditated. (Does "premeditated" mean the defense team must prove the man sat at home for three weeks and planned exactly how he was going to pinch the buttocks?)

Tips for the Date
Whatever you do - even if you have to pay - get your Italian date to take you to dinner. Authentic Italian food is worlds better than your favorite pizza/pasta place in West Lafayette, Indiana. The typical Italian diet isn't as starchy as you'd think; there's a wide array of fruits and vegetables. The most popular veggie (after the tomatoe) is eggplant. If you think you've had eggplant before, we guarantee you haven't had it like this. The soil is different in Italy (especially the stuff in volcanic cities) and it makes an incredible difference. Italians aren't into perverted farming, so produce is close to organic. Heaven. Then there are the amazing cheeses, meats, fish, cappuccinos, desserts, wines, etc.

Dinner could last four or five hours, so that may be all you get around to doing on a typical date. If you're one of those girls who chalks being violently drunk up to a good night, don't write off dinner in an Italian restaurant. Restaurants are often more social than bars and they certainly have a competitive liquor stash.

What You Should Know about Italy
As far as geography goes, you can never know too much about Italy. If you meet an Italian in Japan and ask where he's from, he won't say he's from Italy. Instead he'll name some obscure Italian city, assuming you know the ins and outs of his country.

Before you run around Italy telling everyone you're part Italian because one of your great-aunts was a quarter Italian, you should know it may not score you any points. In fact, it may backfire completely because the region your family is from (if you even know what region) has a stigma attached to it. The north and south hate each other. The northerners fancy themselves more civilized, but they have hole-in-the-floor toilets and severely rip off tourists. The southerners think they're family-oriented, but they're extremely sexist and stop talking to daughters if they leave home before they're married.

What You Need To Know About Italian Cities
Bologna: Small, very touristy, known for beautiful scenery.
Calgary: On an island west of the continent. Italy's hottest men can be found here.
Florence: The Renaissance, Galileo, ninja turtle artists (Leonardo, Michelangelo, Rafael, etc.).
Genoa: Bring your bikini.
Milan: Major city, nothing to do.
Naples: Mt. Vesuvius, Pompeii, full of lunatics, high crime, dirty.
Pisa: Nothing to do except ponder if the tower's designer made it lean on purpose or not.
Rome: The capital, broken ruins, full of tourists, bitter employees.
Vatican City: Not a part of Italy, but it's in Rome. You need to cover your shoulders to enter.
Venice: Gondolas, no cars allowed, too expensive, no nightlife.
Verona: International city, home to Romeo and Juliet.

Impressing His Mother
You need to impress your Italian boyfriend's mother unlike no other boyfriend's mother in the world. Italians have strong family structures and kids are obedient. If mama doesn't like you, you're history.

When meeting his mom, emphasize how close you are to your own mother. In fact, call your mom a few times every hour to flaunt that closeness. When eating pasta at his house (a house he is sure to share with his mother, father, sisters, brothers, grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles and cousins), compliment mama on the spectacular food. Ask for the ingredients in the sauce. Choose one in particular and harp on it. For instance, say: "Oh, basil! That's what it is. Mom makes her sauce exactly the same way, except the basil. Hold on a moment while I ring her." Then grab your cell phone, press number one on your speed dial, and have a quick conversation about basil. Be liberal with the phrase "I love you" and don't forget: "I know, Mom. Of course I'm being good." End with a sappy smile and: "Yes, tell the family I love them all. I'll call you soon." After you turn off the phone, hold it by your heart for a moment and gaze into space lovingly.

Italian Girl Competition
Italian girls are typically sweet and non-threatening. They're not as cool as Spanish chicks, but they're up there. If you happen to meet a mean one, we don't advise pulling her hair or slapping her. She's a future Italian mother and they are hardcore women. If you think you can take her, be prepared to run like hell. She's Catholic which means her parents don't believe in birth control which means she has eight brothers ready to hunt you down. She also has a lot of uncles and cousins and the closer her family lives to Sicily, the more likely they are to be mafia.

When You Want Him to Go Away
If you want to get a point across to an Italian man, you must wave your hands frantically. Whether you need to explain that your hostel is on fire or if you're just trying to cross the street, your hands need to be moving around like mad. When you want to get rid of him, it's not just your hands that need to be flailing - it's your entire body. If he doesn't get the point, you may need to flail at him. Use open fists (The same Supreme Court ruling that decided ass grabbing wasn't sexual harassment also decided women are allowed to retaliate with an open fist.), elbows, feet, your head or whatever it takes. The same man you were attracted to for being so aggressive is still just as aggressive when you don't want him around anymore. He's won't be physically aggressive, he'll just attempt to dissuade you from leaving him all night and day and into the next night and next day. End the conversation early with your gestures. Italian men understand body language.

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Postby locallass » Sun, 11 Sep 2005 11:04 am

Oops, I'd better stop before I get stoned :lol:

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Postby locallass » Sun, 11 Sep 2005 11:28 am

Sorry, can't resist- they have a section on the Dutch as well. How true is the description Eric? ;)


Dutch Men
The thought of writing an entire chapter on Dutch men made us cringe because there's not a whole heck of a lot to say about these boys. They're not bad guys, they're just boring. Strong points: well-educated, open-minded and kind. Weak points: everything else. Grab a Dutch boy and make him your best friend. If you make him your boyfriend, you're in for some serious frustration. Dutch men don't understand passion, romance or excitement. They lack imagination and fail to understand the fine art of present-giving.

Potential Boyfriend Names
Aartjen
Baartge
Baldzo
Cornelis-Evert
Dietbout
Everhard
Gerko
Hendrik
Maritje-Claasz
Riian
Sofie
Teeuwisse
Tekko
Waccar
Xavius

Name Pronunciation
We had a tough enough time spelling these names. Your guess on pronunciations is as good as ours.

Four Insights into Dutch Culture
Dutch Dogs
The Dutch treat every living animal well - dogs included.

Dutch Driving
The Dutch are courteous drivers and can most often be found pedaling around courteously on a bicycle.

Dutch Time Telling Abilities
Sure, the Dutch can tell time. They're respectful to appointments and try to be punctual.

Dutch Theft
Most thefts in Holland are committed by the cracked out tourists. Bicycle stealing has become very popular over the years.

Useful Dutch Phrases (He Speaks English Better Than You Do)
What You'll Want To Say: How To Say It:
I don't want to date you. I'm not interested in a relationship right now.
I really don't want to date you. I have a boyfriend at home.
I really, really don't want to date you. Nothing against you: I'm a lesbian.


How to Meet Him
The prostitutes in the display windows in the red light district are there for the tourists. You're not going to find a Dutch man there. The coffee shops are there for the tourists as well. Only something crazy like 5% of Dutch people use marijuana on a regular basis, so you're not going to find him there either. Being the nice guy he is, you'll probably find him in a nursing home. He'll be donating his time reading erotic poetry to old ladies.

Tips for the Date
Don't expect your date to come up with some fabulous idea for a night out. Grab your city guide and come up with your own agenda. Bring your wallet because you'll be "going Dutch."

What You Should Know about the Netherlands
Although a Dutch boy won't purposely make you feel bad for being ignorant about his country, feeling bad is inevitable. You'll be intimidated by his perfect English and knowledge about politics. Do you know who the senators from Ohio are? He does. Dutch boys know everything.

We'll tell you a few things about the Netherlands so you won't feel too lame. You'll be a step ahead of the rest of the tourists if you know that marijuana isn't legal. The Dutch signed an international treaty years ago making it illegal, but the Health Officials ran some studies and found it didn't cause insanity, so now they regulate it. Also, the Netherlands was originally swampland. Early settlers dug a bunch of dykes and canals and drained the country, making it livable. There, that should be enough general knowledge for your Dutch boy to pretend he's impressed.

What You Need To Know About Dutch Cities
Amsterdam: It's where the tourists go.
Rotterdam: It's where the tourists who stay more than a few days go.
The Hague: It's where the tourists who are on business go.

Impressing His Mother
His mother is a loving, caring person and she'll like you no matter who you are.

Dutch Girl Competition
Dutch girls are just as nice and ordinary as Dutch boys. Boring and boring don't mix, so the girls are probably out looking for some French guy to blow smoke in their face or some German guy to tell them something isn't possible. So if you're after that Dutch stud, don't worry about any Dutch girls. They're not competing.

When You Want Him to Go Away
When you're ready to leave him, you're going to break his nice, little heart. Be gentle and remember you're ruining him for life.

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Postby sapphire » Sun, 11 Sep 2005 11:29 am

Watch what you say locallass, 'stoned' has other connotations as well. :P
It's not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you.

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Postby locallass » Sun, 11 Sep 2005 11:34 am

Haha... I'm sure I'll enjoy one of them but I'm not taking my chances between the two extremes! :shock:

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Postby dot dot dot » Sun, 11 Sep 2005 9:15 pm

Ho locallass,

ok, I will give my 2 cents of comments in bold

locallass wrote:Sorry, can't resist- they have a section on the Dutch as well. How true is the description Eric? ;)


Dutch Men
The thought of writing an entire chapter on Dutch men made us cringe because there's not a whole heck of a lot to say about these boys. They're not bad guys, they're just boring however much I do criticize my own people, I cannot say my fellow Dutch citizens, or the male part of it, are that boring actually. I would rather say relaxed
Strong points: well-educated, open-minded and kind. Weak points: everything else. Grab a Dutch boy and make him your best friend. If you make him your boyfriend, you're in for some serious frustration. Dutch men don't understand passion, romance or excitement. ayoh... not true lah! Serious, the so called Italian stallion is a wimpy, compared to us Dutchies! :wink:
They lack imagination and fail to understand the fine art of present-giving.

Potential Boyfriend Names
AartjenAart
Baartge never heard off...
Baldzo bald
Cornelis-Evert corne or evert, 2 different names
Dietbout ?
Everhard ?
Gerko ?
Hendrik
Maritje-Claasz girlsname
Riian ?
Sofie girls name
Teeuwisse surname
Tekko
Waccar?
Xavius Xavier

Name Pronunciation
We had a tough enough time spelling these names. Your guess on pronunciations is as good as ours.

Four Insights into Dutch Culture
Dutch Dogs
The Dutch treat every living animal well - dogs included.

Dutch Driving
The Dutch are courteous drivers and can most often be found pedaling around courteously on a bicycle. Dutch drivers are a nightmare, agression to the ultimate on the expressways

Dutch Time Telling Abilities
Sure, the Dutch can tell time. They're respectful to appointments and try to be punctual.

Dutch Theft
Most thefts in Holland are committed by the cracked out tourists. Bicycle stealing has become very popular over the years.

Useful Dutch Phrases (He Speaks English Better Than You Do)
What You'll Want To Say: How To Say It:
I don't want to date you. I'm not interested in a relationship right now.
I really don't want to date you. I have a boyfriend at home.
I really, really don't want to date you. Nothing against you: I'm a lesbian.
Dutchies do not date, they just enjoy the scenery

How to Meet Him
The prostitutes in the display windows in the red light district are there for the tourists. You're not going to find a Dutch man there. The coffee shops are there for the tourists as well. Only something crazy like 5% of Dutch people use marijuana on a regular basis, so you're not going to find him there either. Being the nice guy he is, you'll probably find him in a nursing home. He'll be donating his time reading erotic poetry to old ladies.

Tips for the Date
Don't expect your date to come up with some fabulous idea for a night out. Grab your city guide and come up with your own agenda. Bring your wallet because you'll be "going Dutch." :D :D

What You Should Know about the Netherlands
Although a Dutch boy won't purposely make you feel bad for being ignorant about his country, feeling bad is inevitable. You'll be intimidated by his perfect English and knowledge about politics. Do you know who the senators from Ohio are? He does. Dutch boys know everything. now you know why I am always discussing here?

We'll tell you a few things about the Netherlands so you won't feel too lame. You'll be a step ahead of the rest of the tourists if you know that marijuana isn't legal. The Dutch signed an international treaty years ago making it illegal, but the Health Officials ran some studies and found it didn't cause insanity, so now they regulate it. Also, the Netherlands was originally swampland. Early settlers dug a bunch of dykes and canals and drained the country, making it livable. There, that should be enough general knowledge for your Dutch boy to pretend he's impressed.

What You Need To Know About Dutch Cities
Amsterdam: It's where the tourists go.
Rotterdam: It's where the tourists who stay more than a few days go.
The Hague: It's where the tourists who are on business go.

Impressing His Mother
His mother is a loving, caring person and she'll like you no matter who you are.

Dutch Girl Competition
Dutch girls are just as nice and ordinary as Dutch boys. Boring and boring don't mix, so the girls are probably out looking for some French guy to blow smoke in their face or some German guy to tell them something isn't possible. So if you're after that Dutch stud, don't worry about any Dutch girls. They're not competing.

When You Want Him to Go Away
When you're ready to leave him, you're going to break his nice, little heart. Be gentle and remember you're ruining him for life.try me! :wink:


to add: Us Dutchies are not boring or non-passionate, but we do it our way: we chill out and observe, we like to be challenged. We will not easily show ourselves, we keep our thoughts and actions to ourselves and will only show when the going gets tough, then we will show to be the tough who get going. 8)

Not bad at all locallass, but I am asking myself whether you ever really met a Dutch guy?

If we ever meet on the wndc or alike, will tell you some more about us Dutchies. And don't worry, I will buy you a beer, not going 'dutch' for that occasion!

See ya,

Eric

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Postby locallass » Sun, 11 Sep 2005 9:32 pm

Haha Eric.. these pointers are written by two American girls who travelled around Europe and not meant to be taken seriously.

I did laugh however at the description of German men. All my boyfriends are Singaporean Chinese except for an Austrian and a German. Some of the pointers are dead accurate. Well at least for the two guys I dated:

Germans are an uptight breed and they have a rule for every occasion. (My ex boyfriends were absolutely horrified by my serial jay walking :lol: )

Did a German say he'll pick you up at 8? He meant 7:59 and 59 seconds and he expects you to be ready.

The phrase "going Dutch" is a misnomer. "Going German" would have been more appropriate. Be sure to bring money because it's likely you'll be splitting the bill. Also, don't expect any romantic frills. There will be no door opening, no pulling your chair out, no letting you order first, no car door holding. You may even take public transportation to get wherever you're going. Germans aren't exactly suave daters.

We advise against asking any questions about your appearance because you may get harsh answers. In fact, you may get harsh answers without asking any questions. If he dislikes the clothes you're wearing, he'll tell you. If he thinks you look fat, he'll tell you.

If you want to give a German guy the cold shoulder, good luck. If you think his sense of humor sucks, wait until you see his people reading skills. He's used to dealing with practical, direct Germans so he's not going to pick up on your desperate subtleties.

Have no idea about the Dutch (only met one in passing- the husband of a friend's friend in some house party) and will be happy to accept your word for it :) I think the pointers on the Dutch being well-educated, open-minded and highly conversant in English are spot on though

Thanks for offering to buy me beer. Who knows, I may just make it down to one of the gatherings one day ;)

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Postby seraphim » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 1:00 am

locallass wrote:Dutch Men


*seraphim bites tongue and chants to herself*

I will not disparage all dutch men because of one bastard, I will not disparage all dutch men because of one bastard, I will not disparage all dutch men because of one bastard, I will not.......

:P
And the sultans - yeah the sultans
they play creole...Creole, baby

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Postby seraphim » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 1:05 am

LOL! Truth be told, most of the Dutch folk I know are very nice and have a good sense of humor.
And the sultans - yeah the sultans

they play creole...Creole, baby

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Postby dot dot dot » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 12:17 pm

seraphim wrote:
locallass wrote:Dutch Men


*seraphim bites tongue and chants to herself*

I will not disparage all dutch men because of one bastard, I will not disparage all dutch men because of one bastard, I will not disparage all dutch men because of one bastard, I will not.......

:P


Easy darlin, easy... :mrgreen:

I am trying so hard to be a good example of 'the Dutch' to you :wink:

Eric

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Postby dot dot dot » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 12:19 pm

locallass wrote:Haha Eric.. these pointers are written by two American girls who travelled around Europe and not meant to be taken seriously.

I did laugh however at the description of German men. All my boyfriends are Singaporean Chinese except for an Austrian and a German. Some of the pointers are dead accurate. Well at least for the two guys I dated:

Germans are an uptight breed and they have a rule for every occasion. (My ex boyfriends were absolutely horrified by my serial jay walking :lol: )

Did a German say he'll pick you up at 8? He meant 7:59 and 59 seconds and he expects you to be ready.

The phrase "going Dutch" is a misnomer. "Going German" would have been more appropriate. Be sure to bring money because it's likely you'll be splitting the bill. Also, don't expect any romantic frills. There will be no door opening, no pulling your chair out, no letting you order first, no car door holding. You may even take public transportation to get wherever you're going. Germans aren't exactly suave daters.

We advise against asking any questions about your appearance because you may get harsh answers. In fact, you may get harsh answers without asking any questions. If he dislikes the clothes you're wearing, he'll tell you. If he thinks you look fat, he'll tell you.

If you want to give a German guy the cold shoulder, good luck. If you think his sense of humor sucks, wait until you see his people reading skills. He's used to dealing with practical, direct Germans so he's not going to pick up on your desperate subtleties.

Have no idea about the Dutch (only met one in passing- the husband of a friend's friend in some house party) and will be happy to accept your word for it :) I think the pointers on the Dutch being well-educated, open-minded and highly conversant in English are spot on though

Thanks for offering to buy me beer. Who knows, I may just make it down to one of the gatherings one day ;)


The invitation stands! 8)

Ah, American girls, well, that explains a few things, doesn't it? :mrgreen:


Eric

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Postby Ling2 » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 1:12 pm

Alright, I feel like I have to share since I have been living in europe for a good 4 yrs...

My german ex is completely different from what's given....
He is no doubt good looking, but a gentleman too :) and with a great sense of humour! Perhaps he being educated in Australia and work in Asia made him different :) There's no going dutch or german with him :) he opens car door as well! :lol: He pampers me to the extreme :D

Though we are no longer together, we still meet up often for dinner n drinks :) And he never fail to have good words for me :D

I have dated swedish, nowegian, scotish, englishmen, dutch, italian, austrian, australian, new zealander and american... and of coz asian :) my current bf is chinese from NZ and he is absolutely wonderful :D

My other exs are nice as well but since locallass focus on german..so I just wanna share my experience :)

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Postby Ling2 » Mon, 12 Sep 2005 1:21 pm

I forgot to add, I was sometimes late meeting him up too..and even meeting his parents for dinner! Everyone was waiting for me.... :oops:

But if you have a german bf...when he is serious with you...you will definately know it :)


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