Singapore Expats Forum

To burst your laughter...

Chats, Flames, Jokes, Junks. Don't know where to post ? You've just found the right place.
shirllin
Regular
Regular
Posts: 75
Joined: Sat, 23 Jul 2005

To burst your laughter...

Postby shirllin » Sun, 04 Sep 2005 2:14 am

The commanding officer was furious when nine GIs who had been out on passes failed to show up for morning roll call. Not until 7 p.m. did the first man straggle in. "I'm sorry, sir," the soldier explained, "but I had a date and lost track of time, and I missed the bus back. Being determined to get in on time, I hired a cab. Halfway here, the cab broke down. I went to a farmhouse and persuaded the farmer to sell me a horse. I was riding to camp when the animal fell dead. I walked the last ten miles, and just got here." Though skeptical, the colonel let the young man off with a reprimand. However, after him, seven other stragglers in a row came in with the same story--had a date, missed the bus, hired a cab, bought a horse, etc. By the time the ninth man reported in, the colonel had grown weary of it. "Okay," he growled, "now what happened to YOU?" "Sir, I had this date and missed the bus back, so I hired a cab..." "Wait!" the colonel screeched at him. "Don't tell me the cab broke down." "No, sir," replied the soldier. "The cab didn't break down. It was just that there were so many dead horses in the road, we had trouble getting through."


The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."


A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... anything!!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes,... Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... .. .. .. .. study???"


There are two monkeys and one woman on a research mission aboard the Space Shuttle. There's a call from HQ, for the first monkey to come to the TV monitor. The monkey is instructed to check the pressure in the main compartment, increase the oxygen mixture by 10% and decrease the temperature in engine four by 4.8 degrees. The monkey goes off and performs all the tasks as asked. HQ calls again, this time for the second monkey, who is told to increase the carbon dioxide levels, check the solar radiation unit, and increase the output of the fuel injection system by 12.4%. Off goes the second monkey and does all his jobs. Later on, HQ calls again and asks for the woman. She comes to the monitor, and just before HQ could issue her instructions she interupts, "Yes, yes, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything"


Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie." "I don't f%*&#ing want one," declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie." "I don't f%*&#ing want one," stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?" "So?" said his mother, "Don't f%*&#ing give him one!"


A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, (so that he's on the same level with her), and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."

+ Travel Joke
Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Traveler:

=> Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo"
=> There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
=> Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
=> Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
=> In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
=> Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig"

>+ Kids Joke
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, daddy, you get the toy."

+ Health Joke
Jim and Roger were patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped in to the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Roger promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Rogers heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Roger the news he said, "Roger, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Roger replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." Okay, enough jokes for today....

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Dear All,

Do leave a message on which is your most favourite joke(if you like them)......much appreciated........

Sincerely,
Shirllin
"Chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken."
"It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed."

User avatar
riversandlakes
Reporter
Reporter
Posts: 899
Joined: Fri, 22 Jul 2005
Location: Simei
Contact:

Postby riversandlakes » Sun, 04 Sep 2005 7:37 pm

"i cut. i cut" rocks. now she has no more conditions left...
Goatboy will always cherish his former goatgirl.
But the world is full of fluffier ones.

sabrina77
Chatter
Chatter
Posts: 244
Joined: Thu, 31 Mar 2005

Postby sabrina77 » Mon, 05 Sep 2005 10:58 am

Loved the Kids Joke...where the Dad gets the toy for being the most obedient,.....ha ha ha !

Good ones, Shirllin..thanks for sharing !


  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to “Leisure Chat, Jokes, Rubbish”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests