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Do you call this a marriage ?

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Wind In My Hair
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Joined: Tue, 19 Jul 2005

Postby Wind In My Hair » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 4:09 pm

hi sad soul,

i have to agree that your personal frustration and resentment may be preventing you from managing this situation in the best way. it is certainly not helpful to say hurtful things to your husband, refuse to talk when he wants to, and then get a job or move out just to get back at him for making you feel this way.

much as people here want to help and wish you the best, i really think you should get professional help and see a counsellor on your own. seems to me there's nothing wrong with your husband, but your resentment is not wrong either and has to be dealt with.


Postby Guest » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 4:47 pm

Anonymous wrote:Sad_soul, I know this isn't going to sound too good to you, but I will say it because it needs to be said, ya? By the way, I'm not siding with your husband or you. If I side with anyone, it would be with your kids.

Did you really think that marriage would always be a bed of roses and romance and complete satisfaction? Is life like that, in general? Your husband says that he loves you. I believe that he does. And he loves the kids. And for some reason, he is going through a hard time where he can't seem to get his sex drive going. If you love yourself more than you love the kids and him, ya, you will start thinking: look for another guy lah!

What is happening to you isn't easy to go through, but it has happened to other women before. Sexual gratification is important in marriage, especially when you are both still young. Still, your marriage is more than just sex. It's also about working through problems as a team. If you do need outside help, it is counselling help. Not another man to meet your sexual needs, even though your sexual needs are valid. Please do think of going for counselling, even if you have to go by yourself. Your kids are worth this effort.

Believe it or not, one hard lesson life teaches us (if we want to grow up and mature) is that there are things more important than our own self. If you do indeed go and "find someone outside to touch you", you will poison your kids and you will be telling them that families do NOT have to stick together when times get tough. Your husband's hurt will hurt and confuse the kids. If I were your kid, I might learn to hate you. (My friend's daughter hates her and grew up to be a lesbian because she thinks of her mother as a slut who can't control her own body.) You will put your family through hell.

I know what I am talking about because I have been there and I had to make tough choices too. Worse still, there were a few guys more than ready to satisfy my relationship and sex needs. Also, my husband is not the best example of a faithful lover.

In the end, I chose to be faithful to my beliefs, my principles. my family. And, my God. There are more important things in this universe than self-gratification. And my son grew up to be a great kid. He's the pride and joy of my life.

The buck stops here.

Communication is vital in situations like yours. Unless you communicate with your husband about the problems he is not going to really know there is a problem within your marriage. He needs to know. Once he has been told about your feelings and thoughts then you can start rebuilding your marriage together if both parties agree that that's the best thing to do. You cannot move on or make any decisions unless your marital problems have been communicated.

You said you walked away when he asked you to repeat what you had said. Did you walk away because you were scared he will come after you? Is he a violent person and the reason you cannot talk to him?? Would you be happier to have mediator when you communicate your feelings of frustration? If yes, then you will definitely need a marriage counsellor to help you out. It is quite difficult to visualize what sort of marriage you both have over the internet. Some marriages are very communicative while others are not. Both partners agree to discuss all their problems in a quiet grown up manner, without too much arguing and pointing fingers at earch others.

Seek professional help if you feel you cannot communicate with him because he is not ready to listen. You can only move on if you talk it out first.


Postby Bubbs » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 10:32 pm

Relax, this happens. Your husband is NOT GAY. I fell over laughing when I heard that.
Neither is he having an affair, well, not unless there are other signs too........and you say you spend evenings together....not likely then, is it?
Having a baby is the hardest work in the world, both during and particularly afterwards, so give yourself a break woman.....just put your feet up and enjoy baby, they grow so quickly.
But back to the no sex thing.
Yes I do think it puts men off a bit if they see the birth, not for long, and not in the way that they think your 'bits' looked disgusting.
No, for them that is now where their newborn came from, even tho they knew that's where it would emerge, it's just been verified and I think they are sometimes scared of hurting you with sex....or even a little scared of making another baby so soon. Newborns are damned daunting for dads too, and not everyone goes gaa gaa over these little ones.
Lots of us prefer our kids in their teens etc. Don't get me wrong, I love both of mine, but babies never did it for me, beautiful though they were.
Give me a child who can talk and walk and I'm your woman, but some men feel like this too, and the whole idea of sex again so soon (yes, some men will take perhaps a year or so to get back into the passion side of it) will scare both parties.
Why not just mention it? Don't accuse, just say something like, 'I've noticed you are not so keen on making love as before, and I just want to say that I'm ready if you are, don't think it's not on my mind....etc...etc' or something cheesy like that.
But please don't worry, you've enough on your plate. And if the worse came to the worse and he was getting it somewhere else, or Lord forbid, he really was what, not a lot you can do except call in a hit man, is there?(Joke)
Enjoy this lovely time, and just communicate more.
Also, try to have time with him just the two of you..........get that maid to do some babysitting, or could she sit in baby's room and feed him/her when feed is due? And you and hubby have time undisturbed by the tv at home? Even if breastfeeding this is possible (express etc earlier in day).....sorry, this is getting technical, but I'm just trying to think of practical ways for this girl to not beat herself up at one of life's most stressful times.
Good luck.

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Postby gremlin » Mon, 29 Aug 2005 10:07 am

Dear Sad_Soul,

Please don't be sad. If by talking to your husband is of no help, how about seek help from a marriage counsellor? BUT something tells me that you hubby will not agree to it. I am not trying to rub salt into your wound but something is amiss here..

**No one is indispensable, especially men who do not show enough love and conern to their spouses.
** Life goes on with or without men..but of course life would be much happier / better with a man who loves you & your kids.

God bless you & be brave!
Life is short, live the fullest!

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