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Do you call this a marriage ?

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Wind In My Hair
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Postby Wind In My Hair » Tue, 23 Aug 2005 7:56 pm

Shabu-Shabu wrote:Oh that happens with my fiance too but we're not married yet, just engaged.

your post was actually pretty good but i was rather amused at this line... :)

Same To Me

Postby Same To Me » Wed, 24 Aug 2005 1:47 pm

Hi sad soul, U are not alone. I have a daughter and my hubby only have sex with me every 2~3weeks. Once I asked him and he just told me that he's too tired to have sex. But isn't man has high sexuality?

Same to me : He don't hug and kiss me, not even holding hand. Even if we are to go out at the same time, he will walk 1st without waiting for me. Every night, after reaching home, the 1st thing he do is to go straight to the study room and on his PC. So always ended he's in the room and I am in the living room watching TV. Frankly speaking, I feel lonely.

We are lacking of communication and he's not the type who can talk things out. He will just keep quiet and hope things will pass as time goes on.

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beenhere10years
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Postby beenhere10years » Wed, 24 Aug 2005 7:47 pm

Go to counselling right now. Do your absolute best to fix your marriage, you married him for a reason, try to remember why that was. Let a 3rd party help you to negotiate your new relationship as husband and wife AND parents. This is new territory and very hard to figure out. Try not to have such high expectations, 2 kids is a lot and 5 months old is still yound enough to have you up all night. Honestly, get professional help.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

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lonely_soul

Postby lonely_soul » Wed, 24 Aug 2005 9:50 pm

its not easy to go to a marriage counsellor cos sum man will just not face up tht there is some problem there n they have to rectify it..They rather see it as all i cool..

hey ,,so how u spend ur time,,u working ?

Guest

Postby Guest » Thu, 25 Aug 2005 3:12 pm

maybe he's cheating??

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Postby Wham » Thu, 25 Aug 2005 3:24 pm

Sad_soul - please ignore Guest's stupid cheating comment. I will guess that this comes from some unmarried kid who has no ideas the rigors of married life with children. Also - from what you wrote - it does not sound like he has time.
Now back to the discussion - just a reminder - us men are kind of stupid sometimes and easily forget the need to be romantic. I am less in favor of the counciling thing UNTIL you have exhausted all options. In my marriage there have been a few times where my wife has MADE IT CLEAR that we had some problems. WIthout her having nearly broken down - i probably would not have noticed. Sometimes that is what it takes. So, if you have exhausted all the "nice" ways - GET MAD! And tell him "WE HAVE PROBLEMS - NOW WAKE UP - OR THIS WILL END" Do it nice - but make it clear that you are not happy - if this does not work - then try outside help as a last resort.
ALSO - try to remember - that working through problems like this one your are currently expeciencing will make your marriage stronger in the long run - so hang in there.

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Thu, 25 Aug 2005 3:56 pm

Wham, on this we agree. It will definitely make the marriage stronger and we are also guilty of often being not too observant so sometimes have to be hit with a rock to wake us up.

As far as the not getting professional help. Here is were we part ways. Sorry just can't help it ........ Are you one of those men who never get lost when driving and 5 hours after dinner time refuses to pull over and ask for directions from someone familiar with the area. :wink:

sms

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Re: Do you call this a marriage ?

Postby Guest » Thu, 25 Aug 2005 11:11 pm

sad _soul wrote:Hi married people out there, I hope that after reading my case, you will be able to give me a good suggestion. Those who want to reply sarcastic or dumb things,please do not do so.

I am a 28 year old ,working mother of 2 kids,aged 2+ and 5 months respectively. I work on shifts and my hubby is on irregular hours but has more time at home. My kids are looke after by my maid ( I just got her ).

Thing is that ,there has been no intimacy, hugs or kisses or sex between us. I gave birth in March, and since Oct 04,till now I havent had sex with my hubby, neither has he initiated it. Partly ,was my last semester of pregnancy and also my post natal period.

When we get home after work ,we just sit and talk. If we ever do go out,its just for dinner at times. I am missing all the passion and intimacy in my marriage and somehow, I am feeling very lonely. I have tried to adopt a habit of not talking to my hubby but a friend told me that I should talk to him about my feelings.
Well , I have done so lately 3 times, but I know he understands what I am trying to say but somehow he cant be bothered because he says tht when he gets home from work,, my kids tend to cling to him and he cant even rest.
i have tried asking him to go for a short holiday but he says he cant get leave and also he cant trust the maid with the kids. Also, he tells me that since both my kids were unplanned and born in the same month, he doesnt want to 'do it ' now. Apart from work, he doesnt go anywhere because he takes care of my kids too much. So , icant even say tht he is having an affair.

He may the type of man who loves me very much but doesnt know how to show it. Somehow, I am the romantic type. I dont know what to do , and I have been gettin bad migraines thinking of this.He doesnt even give me a kiss!!! or hug!!!!! I have told him that he seems more like a friend than a husband but he merely laughs it off because he thinks i am too sensitive and crazy.....as a human, i too ,feel like being loved but i am not getting it. I dont know if any married couple out there is having this problem.

According to my hubby, he says let everything be cool as it is .. is there something wrong.. i dont know.............


Yes, I call this a marriage. It is a marriage because all the symptoms you have mentioned above are part and parcel of a good loving/caring marriage. You have two children although they were 'unplanned' yet they have brought you so much joy, haven't they?? Have these babies not made you both feel complete and special even though they cling to your husband when he comes back from work? They have missed him all day you know, so, surely they can be allowed to let their dad know about this when he arrives from work everyday, don't you think?? We used to cling to our father upon his return from work when we were children and there were six of us you know!!!

The best way to resolve this situation is by telling your two year old daughter that daddy's is tired now, you can let her play with him or 'cling' to him for half an hour or so and then daddy must rest. Make him a nice cup of tea and let him sit down and enjoy his cup of tea while you and your daughter sit right beside him while he is relaxing. You can have a three way conversation just so your two year old does not feel excluded or isolated by her dad and you. The maid can take over as soon as you both feel that you have given her sufficient time.

Your two year old daughter can understand a lot of things if you try and explain to them. She might rebel in the beginning but if you are patient it will work. Your five month old baby can be taken care of by the maid when your husband arrives from work so that you can pay a bit more attention to your two year old daughter. What she really needs is attention and a feeling that she is "included" when you and your husband return from work.

It is a well known fact once the children/babies arrive our relationships change for a little while. The reasons for this is that we are adjusting and adapting to the change having babies brings about. No one is born with parenting skills. We learn these when we have our own children and this experience can be rewarding but very very tough. Once we are given our babies to hold in our arms for the first time, the first question we ask ourselves is, 'what do I do with him/her'?? We are confused and just as helpless as the babies in our arms. It is a challenging and a bewildering experience at first but very rewarding later. This bewildering experience can leave us feeling quite inadequate. I say 'inadequate' because it is a totally new learning experience looking after a baby especially if it happens to be your first one. This has a strong impact on both parents even if it is different for each of them.

Women tend to express their feelings vocally better than men. Men are not brought up that way. Thererfore they need to be told if there is anything wrong in a relationship and it is usually the woman that does the talking, which you are doing now. Men need to be told how you feel and what is lacking in your relationship because they are known not to make the first move and discuss it as openly as women do. That's why we have a man and a woman in a relationship. It is universal. Tell him there is no intimacy, love or affection since the birth of your children. You do not feel loved by him anymore. You are dying to share with him the love you feel for him but he is not showing any interest. What's wrong, what are the reasons for this lack of intimacy in your marriage??

At first he will try to tell you there is nothing wrong. Don't give up. Tell him there is something definitely wrong otherwise you would not be saying all these things to him. Something has prompted you to express your feelings so he cannot just deny that there is nothing wrong with your marriage, that something very special is missing. There might erupt an argument but don't allow him to avoid the issue and don't let him take CONTROL of the discussion. YOU TAKE CONTROL AND YOU SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY TO HIM AND MAKE HIM LISTEN TO YOU! If he fails to give you satisfactory answers then just ask him a very simple question which every woman does and sometimes has to. You can phrase it the way you like but it should be straight forward and honest: Is there someone else?

You are doing the right thing by bringing your problem to his attention and don't give up till you have it sorted out . Good luck.


PS: Your problem is not an unusual one at all. Most marriages tend to become less passionate after the children are born because our attention has to be more focused on our young ones than on ourselves. You say he is a very good father. This does mean that his attentions are more focused on your children for the time being but this would change with the passing of time and as your childdren grow older and become less demanding in terms of personal attention ie clinging and so on.

sad_soul

Postby sad_soul » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 8:32 am

Thanks all. I really appreciate. I cannot hurt my hubby by asking him that " Is there anyone else " cos I know there isnt.
Last night, both of us were at home and the kids asleep.We were in the living room, he on 1 sofa, and I on another.I felt very lonely ,waiting for him to open his mouth to talk. I dont want to be the first one cos I always am. No talk nothing for over an hour. I got pissed,walked away sayin " Marriage sucks, i wished i want married". He got angry, asking me to repeat what I said n I told him " No need to talk lah '.

Then I sms him to tell him " You dont love me anymore, I wish I wld die in my sleep tonight or die at the road while coming from work".

He replied " U think I dont love you,, if i dont love you ,then love who ?" he went on to say " If i dont love you ,where this 2 kids came from ". i told him that you dont even touch, shall I get someone from outside to touch me,,,then he just kept quiet.

but i know that whatever I say or do, it wont make a difference. I wish I can just bring my kids and go stay at my mum's home but I woulnt want my brothers to say tht " U chose him ,now pay for it."

I will be going for a stewardess interview soon, I really pray to God that I get the job so that I wont see my husband. I just dont want to get traumatised. Already getting migraines thinking of all this

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Postby Wham » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 11:32 am

One question: BEFORE the kids - did he come home and talk a lot etc? Flowers? Romantic dinners out? I ask because he sounds very quiet.

Just a thought - but maybe it is YOU that is changing a bit - expecting more out of the relationship - whereas he is just the same. Sometimes this happens also...

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Postby briceloh » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 11:45 am

the very 1st thing u have to do, is to be honest with each other. my frd just got divorced too. the reason? she said that there's no more love between them and that he doesn't have time to spend with her. my frd's side of story? at his current level of seniority in the organisation, it's almost impossible not to think of work even when he got home. and yes, he's those workaholic type. i don't know what to do with them, maybe some separation will do them good and let them think abt it.

as in your case, i do sense that your husband is stress out too? since u said that u r the romantic type, wouldn't u want to initiate something for both of u? also, if your husband is really that stressed by work and other things, maybe he's suffering from sexual dysfunction (is this the correct spelling?). if so, this has got to be one of the toughest ice to break to u, given some man's ego problem.
IBMing

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Postby Wham » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 12:11 pm

oh, and SMS - i do have my ORIENTEERING MERIT BADGE - so don't usually get lost. However, i AM a beleiver in asking for advice when necessary (whether driving or anything else), but i beleive that it is the process of solving problems that strengthens a relationship (or oneself for that matter) - and that turning to an outside advior without exhausting all options is lazy. I guess i suffer from old fashion yankee self-reliance.

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 12:23 pm

Wham,

Please note my emoticon in my earlier post. Was just having you on a bit. But will agree on the Yankee self-reliance bit. I've never used professional help either (unless a bottle of Jack Black can be considered as professional :mrgreen: )

sms

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Postby Guest » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 2:59 pm

Sad_soul, I know this isn't going to sound too good to you, but I will say it because it needs to be said, ya? By the way, I'm not siding with your husband or you. If I side with anyone, it would be with your kids.

Did you really think that marriage would always be a bed of roses and romance and complete satisfaction? Is life like that, in general? Your husband says that he loves you. I believe that he does. And he loves the kids. And for some reason, he is going through a hard time where he can't seem to get his sex drive going. If you love yourself more than you love the kids and him, ya, you will start thinking: look for another guy lah!

What is happening to you isn't easy to go through, but it has happened to other women before. Sexual gratification is important in marriage, especially when you are both still young. Still, your marriage is more than just sex. It's also about working through problems as a team. If you do need outside help, it is counselling help. Not another man to meet your sexual needs, even though your sexual needs are valid. Please do think of going for counselling, even if you have to go by yourself. Your kids are worth this effort.

Believe it or not, one hard lesson life teaches us (if we want to grow up and mature) is that there are things more important than our own self. If you do indeed go and "find someone outside to touch you", you will poison your kids and you will be telling them that families do NOT have to stick together when times get tough. Your husband's hurt will hurt and confuse the kids. If I were your kid, I might learn to hate you. (My friend's daughter hates her and grew up to be a lesbian because she thinks of her mother as a slut who can't control her own body.) You will put your family through hell.

I know what I am talking about because I have been there and I had to make tough choices too. Worse still, there were a few guys more than ready to satisfy my relationship and sex needs. Also, my husband is not the best example of a faithful lover.

In the end, I chose to be faithful to my beliefs, my principles. my family. And, my God. There are more important things in this universe than self-gratification. And my son grew up to be a great kid. He's the pride and joy of my life.

The buck stops here.

Guest

Postby Guest » Fri, 26 Aug 2005 3:59 pm

[quote="sad_soul"]Thanks all. I really appreciate. I cannot hurt my hubby by asking him that " Is there anyone else " because I know there isnt.
Last night, both of us were at home and the kids asleep.We were in the living room, he on 1 sofa, and I on another.I felt very lonely ,waiting for him to open his mouth to talk. I dont want to be the first one because I always am. No talk nothing for over an hour. I got pissed,walked away sayin " Marriage sucks, i wished i want married". He got angry, asking me to repeat what I said n I told him " No need to talk lah '.

Then I sms him to tell him " You dont love me anymore, I wish I wld die in my sleep tonight or die at the road while coming from work".

He replied " U think I dont love you,, if i dont love you ,then love who ?" he went on to say " If i dont love you ,where this 2 kids came from ". i told him that you dont even touch, shall I get someone from outside to touch me,,,then he just kept quiet.

but i know that whatever I say or do, it wont make a difference. I wish I can just bring my kids and go stay at my mum's home but I woulnt want my brothers to say tht " U chose him ,now pay for it."

I will be going for a stewardess interview soon, I really pray to God that I get the job so that I wont see my husband. I just dont want to get traumatised. Already getting migraines thinking of all this[/quote]

Sad_soul this might sound very harsh to you but I think you just hurt his feelings by saying,'shall I get someone from outside to touch me..'. Surely you couldn't have expected him to answer you??

Still, it is better to ask him if there is someone else. He should be able to answer this one either as 'yes' or 'no'. It is harsh but very simple and sincere question. Are scared of his answer to this question and is that why you don't want to ask him this? Do you know something perhaps we don't? I mean we can only help you on the basis of what you have told us.

When he asked you to repeat what he had said, why did you not repeat it. Fair enough he was angry but so were you and still are. Don't you think by walking away the way you did solved nothing at all. This was your golden opportunity to say everything you feel like saying to him. You should have made a point of airing all the problems you have and which you are carrying inside your heart each and every single day. What's the point of feeling miserable the way you do when you know the cause for your misery is not you alone but it is your marriage. He must take the blame for your misery as well. So, you should have laid the blame where it was suppose to have been laid. YOU SHOULD HAVE SPOKEN INSTEAD OF JUST WALKING AWAY AND THEN MSMing HIM!!

Why did you sms him by saying he does not love you anymore? You should have said this when he asked you repeat what you had said and then seen his response. You would have collected so many different responses from him by speaking to him face to face. His body language, the expression in his eyes or even how long he took to respond would have given you so many clues and answers and YOU MISSED THIS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY BY SMSing, I can't believe it!! When you deal with people on face to face basis you pick up many hints and clues from their body language but when you sms or phone someone you miss out on this vital sourse of information and you can't really tell if the person on the other end is telling you the truth or not!!!

If I were you I would start all over again and see what he says. If he asks you to repeat anything you have said then GET ON WITH IT I SAY! TELL HIM EVERYTHING YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING IN FOR SUCH A LONG TIME. REMEMBER, YOU TAKE CONTROL AND YOU ARE IN - CHARGE. The reason I say this is because it is YOU that feels something is lacking in your marriage and not him. SO TAKE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION AND SORT IT OUT.

Staying at your mum's place with your small children is never going to solve the problem ever. How long can you stay at your mother's house for? It is a very unrealistic solution and only a TEMPORARY one. Besides your idea of staying with your mother is already full of problems because you are worried what your brothers will say. There will always be conflict between your brother and you if you decide to go to your mother's. What's more it will ruin your relationship with your brother and it is not good for your children to see you can't take control of your life. Do want your two year old to see how you and your brother are bickering over this when you stay there?? I don't think so. If you are worried what your brother might say if you stay with your mother then you already have another problem. YOU CANNOT KEEP RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS. SORT THEM OUT AND MOVE ON. YOU CAN ONLY SORT THEM OUT BY FACING THEM AND AIRING THEM AS A MATURE ADULT.

Tell me in what way would you have solved the problem by getting a 'stewardesses's job' and not having to see your husband? Is this job going to in any shape and form tell your husband that the intimacy you crave so much is missing?? Isn't leaving, whether it is going to stay with your mother or taking this job as a stewardess, going to make matters worse than what they are now?? What would you achieve by 'leaving'? The problem is still going to be there when you return. It is not going to go away. Do you think that by leaving your problem will leave too??

If all our problems left just because we left the situation behind us then I can tell you this life would not be worth living for. Mind you it would be wonderful but not worth it. There is a reason why life presents us with problems. We are suppose to learn a lesson from them. If we run away every time we are faced with a problem then we have not learnt what that problem came to teach us. UNLESS AND UNTIL YOU FACE YOUR PROBLEMS AND MOVE ON THEY WILL KEEP REPEATING IN DIFFERENT SHAPES AND FORMS. THEY WILL APPEAR WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECTED THEM TO APPEAR. So, don't leave and stay put. In fact you should try again to initiate this conversation again and TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL IN VERY PLAIN LANGUAGE AND DON'T BE FRIGHTENED. HE IS ONLY A MAN AND NOT A MONSTER, A DEVIL OR GOD!!!

He was right when he asked you where did your children come from if he did not love you. This was your chance to tell him that you agree with him. There must have been love between the two of you before the children were born but NOW YOU FEEL IT IS NON-EXISTENT. TELL HIM YOU ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE LOVE YOU HAD IN THE PAST BUT YOU ARE ANXIOUS AND ARE TALKING ABOUT LACK OF LOVE IN THE PRESENT.

Tell him your problem is to do with PRESENT so not to keep going on about the past because past is gone and finished but the present is still here and it is affecting your future together.

I apologize if my tone comes across as harsh to you but you really need to sort this out otherwise it is not only going to affect your health but the health of everyone around you. You say you have been having migraines because of this!! YOU NEED TO SORT THIS OUT NOT FOR YOURSELVES ONLY BUT ALSO FOR YOU YOUNG CHILDREN. I wish you good luck and please don't be frightened.


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