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Intersting: Language of Love -- which is yours?

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Intersting: Language of Love -- which is yours?

Postby YF » Mon, 15 Aug 2005 4:27 am

I girl I was seeing told me about the "five languages of love" and I have been thinking about this for the last couple of weeks and I think this guy is on to something. Basically it comes down to:


(1) Words of Affirmation. (2) Quality Time (3) Receiving Gifts (4) Acts of Service (5) Physical Touch.

(Link here:
http://www.uwec.edu/counsel/pubs/5languages.htm)

Anyways, I have been paying attention to this in both guys and girls latey (I am *completley* heterosexual for the record). Anyways, what I noticed was that peoples love style was very indicitive of how they treat you and consequently how they want to be treated. Of course most guys will think "physical touch" is tops on their list but this may not be the case -- don't confuse love and lust -- one good test is that *I think* this should also apply to interactions with memers of the same sex. It seems to me to be some kind of innate social mechanims of interaction between individuals to gain, maintain, trust etc. For instance, in primate societies "grooming" is used to establish strong social ties between individuals in the troop.

Notice that all of these have a subserviant element to them -- one plays "dominant" the other plays "subservient" and depending on your love style a good match would occur when two people alternate roles with the same "language" with one another.

I have been "testing" this out in my day to day interactions with people. This one girl I met it always very complimentary and very touch feely. I am slightly touchy feely but I don't dish out compliments because, to me, words seem cheap. Its funny because she has been really drawn to me and has asked me to compliment her.

In my own relationships I think "acts of service" and "gift giving" are mine. I am very polite and enjoy helping people. I willingly pick up a check whether I am out with friends or a girl. At the same time I do notice I find myself drawn to people who are also generous like this. If its a one way street, of course, you are going to be taken advantage of. Changing roles, between donor and recipient, seems to be a way to build up social ties.

I have been more attentive to this lately and have been trying to use it to properly "speak" to someone in "their tounge". It is very easy to tell because it is how they treat others and so you simply need to reciprocate it in that way. One thing that is interesting is that it seems to be learned -- if you were "loved" by gift giving, that is the way you will love. With the girl who loved compliments I asked her: "was it your mom or your dad who always showed you with compliments" -- shocked she said "my dad, but how did you know?!".

Finally I was wondering if someone could comment on if there may be come cultural "language" differences between eastern and western culture. It seems the "white" girls I have dates have been very compliment orientated while the asian girls I have dated are very generous/service orientated (much like me). I don't know what eastern culture is like but if you pay attention you will see that "cute" white girls when they are growing up are always having people comment on how pretty they are and I wonder if there may be a bias for "that" language of love because of that. Anyone want to comment on this? I think it would make a good discussion.

-Rob

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Postby YF » Mon, 15 Aug 2005 5:23 am

http://selectsmart.com/FREE/select.php?client=lovelanguages

Here was a little test although I obviously cant judge how scientific it is. My ordering was:

(1) Touch
(2) Quality time
(3) Acts of Service
(4) Gift Giving
(5) Words of affirmation

I would say I am not much of a "gift giver" per say but I am certianly generous -- I wonder where that fits in.

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Mon, 15 Aug 2005 9:03 am

i want all of it! :D it's all nice to receive, but i guess when i'm upset then touch matters most. not in the sexual sense, but i just want to be hugged or held close or have someone hold my hand firmly. it gives me the message that 'hey i'm here for you and everything will be ok'.

when i'm not upset though, i think acts of service mean a lot more to me than compliments. an action speaks a thousand words. i grew up believing ralph waldo emerson's maxim 'what you do speaks so loudly that i cannot hear what you say.' maybe personal experience with sweet-talking men has made me wary of compliments. and i don't think it has to do with being used to compliments as you're growing up. i had lots of those too but the result is i don't need them anymore. they are nice to have but my self-esteem can survive without them.

gifts are great. they may cost zilch but they tell me 'i was thinking of you and this is the proof'. also taking the trouble to think of something to buy and actually going out and getting it... is an action... which to me speaks louder than words etc.

quality time is a tough one. to me it's not so much a gift as a necessity for a relationship to exist in the first place. i think a decent relationship or friendship can exist without all the rest but without this???

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Postby Strong Eagle » Mon, 15 Aug 2005 9:09 am

Nice stuff, YF. I'd like to add a couple of things.

First, men confuse physical intimacy with sexual intimacy. Touching and holding can be a purely physical gift, even with a man, but because men wire sex into this, touching a man is a no-no, and I believe it is the root of most homophobic tendencies. But it is most assuredly possible to love and hug a man without sexual overtones. And, it is possible to do so with a woman as well once a man understands what real intimacy is about.

Women are actually genetically programmed for touch. Stroke or caress a woman and she releases a hormone called oxytocin which creates feelings of connectedness, a very necessary trait for a woman to be able to raise a family and create relationship within the community.

AS for gift giving... yes, it is indeed a generous spirit... and have you also considered the possibility that it is a way of being for you that trys to get other people to like you through your generosity. In other words, it's not just the satisfaction that the other gets, but what you get out of it as well.

Cheers.

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Postby Guest » Mon, 15 Aug 2005 9:28 am

Gift giving: I noticed gift giving was pretty low on my list but if you take someone out for dinner is that "gift giving" or "service" because in some senses the "gift" in this case has no material value and so it is more like quality time or service.

Rob

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Postby frangipani » Tue, 16 Aug 2005 7:05 pm

Hi I think it's nothing short of genius to summarize it to five basic languages of love. I may have misinterpreted it but I think the gist is that if the other person speaks the same language as you do, then the chance of a successful relationship/ friendship is higher? In other words, the way a friendship/ relationship developes has a lot to do with the compatibility (in terms of love language) of the two persons involved?

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Postby dot dot dot » Tue, 16 Aug 2005 7:08 pm

why so complex, I think it all comes down to one thing only: attention.

Eric

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Postby briceloh » Tue, 16 Aug 2005 7:27 pm

YF, i read about your 1st post and can only think that it's all about chemistry. Everyone is different, as they require different mix of the 5 into their cocktail of love. some prefers more touch than gifts. some wants more gifts that just words. i got to go now for some errands, someone tells me that i'm all wrong or partly right? get back later. byez.
IBMing

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Postby beenhere10years » Tue, 16 Aug 2005 8:27 pm

Eric please, not all attention is created equally. You must know that the girls worth keeping can tell the difference. The last thing I want is some puppy of a guy following me around spouting inane platitudes at my altar.

YF, how often do you eat at Claire's?
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

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Postby Strong Eagle » Tue, 16 Aug 2005 8:40 pm

spouting inane platitudes at my altar


My dear... I thought all women were on a pedestal, not an altar.

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Tue, 16 Aug 2005 9:48 pm

Strong Eagle wrote:
spouting inane platitudes at my altar


My dear... I thought all women were on a pedestal, not an altar.


i suppose you put us on a pedestal when you adore us, and on an altar when you worship us.... just make sure it's one or the other! :wink:

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Postby dot dot dot » Tue, 16 Aug 2005 10:03 pm

beenhere10years wrote:Eric please, not all attention is created equally. You must know that the girls worth keeping can tell the difference. The last thing I want is some puppy of a guy following me around spouting inane platitudes at my altar.

YF, how often do you eat at Claire's?


ok, ok.... the 'right' attention at the 'right' time then? but wait, hmm... now it gets too complicated already :lol:

there's no rules or laws or mystic about a 'language of love' so much imho.

sorry, I am not in a romantic mood today I guess...

Eric

JJS

Postby JJS » Tue, 16 Aug 2005 11:11 pm

How about the smell It has been scientific proved that the smell of someone is the main factor of someone attract to someone

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Postby YF » Wed, 17 Aug 2005 12:13 am

As I think I said, I don't think this is just the language of love but the language by which we communicate socially. I have not been able to stop thinking about this for the last few days -- running through all of my friends, old relationships etc and I can see where things may hav broken down, or why we were so compadible. Perhaps the list is a bit too simplistic but I think overall it is very effective. This is someitnhg I am going to keep with me my whole life and I plan on being more attentive to these things with repect to how I interact with the people around me.

Touch for instance, as was mentioned can be broken down into sexual and non-sexual contact. I think sexual contact I would be very average, but non-sexual contact would be very high for me. For acts of service, I think you can also break it down into something like hospitality and actual acts of service. I would say I am very hospitable to the people around me although please don't call me to help you move!! :)

I think Eric mentioned that girls were genetically programed to touch. Looking back I noticed that I have dated some girls who wern't like that at all. Touch was high on my list and, perhaps, not suprisingly those ended rather quickly. I think this would be helpful; for a married couple to sit down and discuss because I do think its important that peopel get and recieve feelings of love in a relationship. I haev been in several realtionships where girls needed words of affirmation but because I consider words to be cheap, I rarely said them. Maybe I will think differently next time, depending on the person.

-Rob

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Postby Strong Eagle » Wed, 17 Aug 2005 7:53 am

Wind In My Hair wrote:
Strong Eagle wrote:
spouting inane platitudes at my altar


My dear... I thought all women were on a pedestal, not an altar.


i suppose you put us on a pedestal when you adore us, and on an altar when you worship us.... just make sure it's one or the other! :wink:


Har har har! 8) Do you get nose bleeds up there, elevated at that lofty level? :lol:


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