A Student's History of the World - as collected by Richard Lederer
(One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history professor is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay or report. Here is the history of the world, pasted together from genuine student bloopers, collected by teachers throughout the U.S.)
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple. A snake was present at the time. God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bibical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. They invented three kinds of columns - corinthian, ironic, and dorc. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. One of the opossums was St.Matthew who was by profession a taximan. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Then came the Middle Ages when King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived then with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women and Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw and victims of the blue-bonnet plaque grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times people were alliterate. The greatest writer was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their life. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father or the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. Shakespeare was the greatest writer. In one of his plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
Then came the enlightenment. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off trees. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and began reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers. Then came the first world war, which ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
