To be a player or be played?

[bellevie]

I am brought up to be traditional and idealistic about my future partner since young. Had only serious relationships till i met this guy whom i fell in love with..who happens to be a player. Well, after some time, i got played out and hurt. Confusions and resentment set in naturally, starting to wonder if people are not serious about you, why should you be?

[riversandlakes]

next time, love carefully. sometimes, even a non-player can become a b*tch, what is there to say?

"treat others as one would like to be treated."
if you play others, expect to be played upon in return.

and can you live with the constant expectation of "the ghost knocking on your door at midnight"?

[ksl]

next time, love carefully. sometimes, even a non-player can become a b*tch, what is there to say?

"treat others as one would like to be treated."
if you play others, expect to be played upon in return.

and can you live with the constant expectation of "the ghost knocking on your door at midnight"?

Interesting point, but one is not always aware of being played, the majority of people are sincere and trustworthy, and yes I wish the ghost would visit the offenders, every night!

[Global Citizen]

Yeah, I've been there and I know what it's like to have your heart broken and to be betrayed where one has been sincere and loyal. Its simply awful trying to move on and to be strong as distrust and cynicism set in in one's psyche.

Yet people do move on and the experience does make one stronger eventually even if it may not seem so at that time. I'm also a firm believer in 'what goes around comes around'. It keeps me sane and grounded.

[samantha]

Its simply awful trying to move on and to be strong as distrust and cynicism set in in one's psyche.

Agreed... there is high tendency for that to set in... I've met people who actually became paranoid in every single relationship they are in for fear of rejection... Some ended up as a cold fish in relationships... Its awful.. These people also tend to treat their friends the same way as well..

[Guest]

I am brought up to be traditional and idealistic about my future partner since young. Had only serious relationships till i met this guy whom i fell in love with..who happens to be a player. Well, after some time, i got played out and hurt. Confusions and resentment set in naturally, starting to wonder if people are not serious about you, why should you be?

I KNOW what its like to BE played hon, i'm being played right now ... just be on your toes, everybody says you got to trust but there's a saying "trust in allah but tie the camel" in other words be wary, be aware, do some checks and balances otherwise, sure get burnt...

[samantha]

a saying "trust in allah but tie the camel"

Haha.. I like that one... Imagine if the world is full of people like me... Emotinally detached and independent...

Oh my... Birth rate will fall to zero... Haha.. I think i better keep my ideologies to myself.. I don't need the government on my back...

[riversandlakes]

I am brought up to be traditional and idealistic about my future partner since young. Had only serious relationships till i met this guy whom i fell in love with..who happens to be a player. Well, after some time, i got played out and hurt. Confusions and resentment set in naturally, starting to wonder if people are not serious about you, why should you be?

I KNOW what its like to BE played hon, i'm being played right now ... just be on your toes, everybody says you got to trust but there's a saying "trust in allah but tie the camel" in other words be wary, be aware, do some checks and balances otherwise, sure get burnt...

Great words - trust in allah but tie the camel. I shall remember...

checks and balances, yes. indeed.

[Guest]

I know e theory: what goes around comes around..i havent played anyone yet, i guess i m just bitter about life in general..in fact, people who know me would be shocked to know i m so pessimistic suddenly because i m basically a sunshine gal all e time..and i hate it that this guy affected me so much and made me change gradually..any good ways to forget everything?

[sundaymorningstaple]

Great words - trust in allah but tie the camel. I shall remember...

And the western version is "In God we trust, all others pay cash."

[Wind In My Hair]

Great words - trust in allah but tie the camel. I shall remember...

And the western version is "In God we trust, all others pay cash."

first time i've heard the western version. i like it!

[missy mania]

What about people like me, any advice?

I've never been in a relationship before, not even a boyfriend, let alone a casual hook-up with a guy. In fact, before I met this guy I' hadn't even held hands or kissed a guy in the cheek (let alone lips!) my entire life - and before you think that's normal, consider that I'm already 20 this year.

After I met him, I became very suspicious, jealous and overly-possessive (not in the bitchy sense), I didn't even want him to smile and talk to another girl, let alone go anywhere with a girl, even if it were in a group outing.
I didn't make such a big fuss out of it, in fact, I kept it within myself and tried to manipulate things so that he wouldn't have to go out with any girls, or anyone I suspected that might attract him.
Perhaps I don't trust him. I don't know how to put it. I do, very innately, but yet I don't trust his word. Does that make any sense?

He's not even from the same country as I, nor race. We met when I was 16, he was 17, reaching 18 in several months. In fact, we only held hands, and had our first kiss (not a mouth to mouth, but just a peck) a year or so later.
And while others would see me as conservative, I haven't given myself to him as I'm a virgin, and I want to make sure he's fully commited to me, and our future family (we want a boy and a girl, and that decided when we were 18).
I just can't stand the thought of giving myself to a man, my first time and my virginity (the hymen part doesn't matter, but its the symbolic meaning to it that matters most to me!) to some turd that's going to just add me as a statistic to his list of disgusting sexual conquests!!
I know it happens alot, I know how men can cheat behind your back or right in your face, and perhaps it had to do with my own mom having a crappy husband who used her money (when he married her he was a salesman, he was the only one who had attended university, and she was from a rich family with siblings holding Masters' degrees.) to go hunting for prostitutes in her face, and also had two mistresses - all using her money!
He did that for many years, and even in front of his children. He used to really yell and shout at my mother to intimidate her using us. But we've grown now, so he can't really do a thing.

I guess you could say I really don't want to end up having my life "played" by some dude who won't even remember my name the next few days.
We've been together since 16, almost inseparable, except for numerous time he had to return back to his country. It was then I was poring and worrying over, to the point of utter obsession, of how he's going to leave me or cheat on me with some other pretty/sexy/charming/attractive girl.

It still happens. I can't even trust a word he says, in the sense that when he gives me his word about something, I hang onto it full of hope, yet I don't take his word for it.
Still, does this make any sense? I hope I'm not portraying myself as some crazy, obsessive girlfriend, because we're engaged...well, verbally.

His parents belong to the religious sect my mother despises because she's afraid she will lose me, and amidst all the bad publicity around that religion I can't blame her.
In fact, his parents don't even know I really exist, except his sister and mom, who know me only as "the girl who calls", since according to him, no girls ever call his house and they find it suspicious.
Well, my parents don't know about him either, and our reasons are that we're waiting to find the "right time" to tell them we want to settle and get married. (They knew about us since we were 16, but only as "best friends" since we started out as that)
He's been through every up and down with me so far, and we've stuck together since goodness knows what, ever since we met while studying abroad.
But the problem is, because he tends to lie (I don't know if he does that alot now), even once lying to me about where he came from, and forever lying to me about him quitting smoking, plus alot of other suspicious stuff (at least to me).
I think I'm going nuts. Or I need some therapy. I keep thinking this guy is going to cheat on me whenever he's not by my side, or in an environment with the opposite sex, or that he'd make guy friends who'd bring him to some red-light district (and that's not unheard of, because my guy friends tell me about it) or hook him up with some girl to get him "laid".

Considering he refers to me as his "fiance" and "wife" to people around us... I just need some comments on this...
Does any of you think he's sincere in wanting to marry me? That I'm not a number in his stack? Or that he's not using me for something? Or that I'm just going crazy over this guy because he's the first guy I've ever kissed and we've already been talking for the longest time about how to raise our children, in what religion and plans for their futures?!

Argh!
I'm sorry for the erractic, woodbridge hospital behaviour...it's just that he told me he's a virgin and I don't want him to be "spoilt" by some other girl or misled by guys who's going to give him ideas!
(i.e. Once, a guy we hired to drive us was chatting with him and telling him "why does he want a chinese girl, malay girls can scream very loud in bed", and there are other guys he's told me about who actually scorn the fact we haven't even had sex!)

Must a relationship be based soley on sex? Why must they think sex is so important even before marriage (the only solid commitment a man gives that shows he is bonded to her by contract, free-will and word-of-honour), doesn't that whole idea of frivolous sex cheapen the concept of a holy matrimony between a man and a woman?

A person (man and woman!)'s virginity is sacred, not to be handed out like dirty, cheap flyers to any bum on the street!
To me, him keeping his virginity (and I as well) is symbolic and fundamental of self-discipline, self-control as well of dignity of the person to their significant other.
This isn't to say that it applies to others, or that one with virginity is holier than one without.

Arrgh! I think I've gone out of the topic, and I'm just going crazy pulling my hair out and worrying!

[Plavt]

Missy Mania, I am certainly no expert on human relationships but I think you can be sure of two things. One and not least lying in a relationship is sure way to see its demise. Surely love is about trust and on that score you should not become overly possessive as we all desire some freedom from each other at times, would you want your future partner questioning your every move morning noon and night? There is at least one lady I have visited every time I have been to Singapore but that is just to say hello and no doubt her husband trusts her. A relationship should not solely be about sex there is far more to life than that; in any case as people get older they become less interested. As for those guys who scorn the fact you haven't had sex yet, they should simply mind their own business. Despite what I say here I would not be able to predict the future with this guy, remember things happen in life sometimes for the better sometimes for worse. Perhaps you know about how many broken relationships there are in the world or at least in your own country marriage if that's your intention is often what I would term 'pot luck'. As I would say to so many is just take your time no need to race to the alter which happens so often and I am sure is a contributing factor to eventual disappointment.

[Missy Mania]

If I don't marry this guy, he'd be up for grabs by any girl.
It's just beyond imagination for me to see something that is so close to my heart eaten and corroded away by the sins of carnal lust and stuff.
Btw, i'm not Christian, but I've got some seriously deep principles that could rival even the most devout Muslim/Christian extremist.

And what if he becomes a non-virgin by sin of shagging some annoynomous female? It would so shatter me I'd sooner die by violent suicide than see that happen to him and I.

I know it's just me, but I'm so afraid he will cheat on me one way or another...in fact i told myself if any guy came and tried to buddy up with him and give him some wrong ideas I'll give him a tight slap across the face and if he dares retaliate he'd be in for a nasty fight because I know Thai kick-boxing (taken just in case my future husband is some abusive fellow..need to protect my kids and myself)!!

Is it just me or do I need some serious councelling?

Oh, by the way, he's almost the same as I, quite the possessive person, he reads my sms, mails and everything, and he always questions where I go.
I don't have a problem with that because I have nothing to hide and I like the idea of him caring so much or being jealous and possessive. It's just that I'm afraid HE has something to hide.

[Wind In My Hair]

missy mania, it's always hard for outsiders who know close to nothing about your relationship to comment and give advice. yet from what you've written, he hasn't actually done anything to give you cause for suspicion. sounds to me the uneasiness is on your part due to your own values and expectations. nothing wrong with that. many girls have the same sorts of fears and suspicions though the degree to which you are experiencing it is obviously making you miserable. you also run the risk of a self-fulling prophecy where reality will match your expectation of it.

i've ruined some relationships by being overly suspicious and in hindsight i guess i would have trusted more. you have to get to the point where you can tell yourself hey, all relationships carry the risk of a broken heart, and if he does break my heart whether now or 10 years later then shame on him and it's his loss. but if i contributed to the break-down of the relationship by being too controlling and untrusting then shame on me and it's my loss.

i know it's easier said than done, and can only agree with Plavt that you can ease the pressure on yourself by not rushing into marriage and give yourself time to, pardon the condescending tone of this, grow up a little more. i say this because as i get older i have fewer hang-ups and take things less personally. if a man cheats on me i will know it's his problem, not mine. but no amount of reading or talking will get you to the point where you can accept this. only time and real-life experience can teach this kind of lesson. maybe counselling with a professional (not with your friends) may help too.

my heart goes out to you. just remember, if everything falls apart and all the horrible things you imagine do happen, you know what? the sun will still rise tomorrow and you will still meet nice men and life will still go on and may be even better than before. keep the faith.