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What to do from a distance???

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Matney
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What to do from a distance???

Postby Matney » Tue, 09 Aug 2005 10:07 pm

I've been down for several days now. I'll pull out of it, that I'm sure of. I learned that my brother and sister-in-law are separating after 36 years of marriage. I have not been given a reason as to way, not sure if I'll ever learn the 'real' reason. I'm finding it difficult to handle this shock from the distance. Having said that, what would I do if I were in the same country, state? They always seemed like the ideal couple, college sweethearts, and she was the big sister I never had. Any suggestions on coping with my loss? At this point I don't even know if it's a 'friendly' separation. Their children are all grown and out of the home.

sved
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Postby sved » Tue, 09 Aug 2005 10:15 pm

What they show you and what they live is always different.

If you don't know how to react, just say it to each of them, and see what they expect from you...

Maybe nothing, but at least you will know it... and they will remember that you wanted to help if they need some later.
Forgive my english, still learning ...

Shilo

Postby Shilo » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 3:36 am

G'day Matney.
Im sorry to hear your feeling down.

After 36 years your sister in law will always be your sister.
Do you remember when you or your siblings left home ?
It may be that this will be a similar kind of adjustment.
I don’t see that there is a lot you can do to save their marriage but you can let them both know how you feel.
Offer support and love, make sure you speak with all parties (nephews and nieces too ) regularly on the phone, by email ect because they will all need as much love in their lifes as possible this next year.
Maybe you could invite your sister in law to come and stay for a while.
This is not the end, its a beginning.
The beginning of what will depend on how you handle the following 12 months.
Let your relationship evolve, let something new like real friendship grow.
Chin up.
You can't control everything but you can make the most of what your given.

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Postby Plavt » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 4:20 am

Matney, you will probably never know the reason why your brother and sister-in-law decided to seperate after all it's not the sort of thing you ask.
For whatever reason people often find they can not live with each other despite years of marriage. My own mother is an example, having married a 'monster' she only stuck with him for sake of me, my sister and brother. I of course do not know if there are children involved in this case but if there are it is mostly likely for their sake they stuck together in which they have some dignity and quality to their lives despite the distress you so obviously feel now. Keep your chin up mate as was said to me by a man, ironicallly on the quayside in Singapore; "everybody lives out a crisis in their life" . as you are now. Perhaps the best advice is to find a fellow sufferer or professional adviser of some description you can be sure you are not alone.

Guest

Re:Be supportive, loving and caring and share their problems

Postby Guest » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 4:30 am

Matney wrote:I've been down for several days now. I'll pull out of it, that I'm sure of. I learned that my brother and sister-in-law are separating after 36 years of marriage. I have not been given a reason as to way, not sure if I'll ever learn the 'real' reason. I'm finding it difficult to handle this shock from the distance. Having said that, what would I do if I were in the same country, state? They always seemed like the ideal couple, college sweethearts, and she was the big sister I never had. Any suggestions on coping with my loss? At this point I don't even know if it's a 'friendly' separation. Their children are all grown and out of the home.


I am really very sorry to read your post, Matney. I wish I could really say something to lighten your sadness. It is not easy to see two people who loved each other so much for such a long time going their different ways now when one would hope they will stay together untill they have grown old gracefully. Thirty six years of marriage is a long time and it is not easy to comprehend why they are separating now especially when their children are also so grown up.

When you love someone it does not matter where they are the distance can never stop you from loving them. Even if they separate this does not mean that your sister-in-law who is more like a 'big sister' is going to change/stop being a 'big sister' to you, does it? You can still love her as your 'big sister' in your heart.

Sometimes, when relationships or marriages reach a stage in their evolution where two people or more must separate and go their different ways, it is only for the best. I say this because sometimes two people or more involved in that relationship find they have reached a stage where they cannot 'grow' or progress to the next stage in their lives, mentally or spiritually. They have to leave and go so they can grow, if they don't then the relationship becomes like a living death or a 'zombie'.

Try to understand why they are separating and offer whatever help they may need in this transistional period of their lives. Try to love them and their children even more than before and make sure that you show your love, support and understanding to them even more than before. Now is the time to be supportive, loving and caring even more than ever before. Wish them good luck and all the best and keep loving them in your heart forever.

Sometimes , we wonder why people separate or even divorce after they have been together for such a long time. I mean, when we look at them we think that they are an 'ideal couple' in every sense of the word. Somehow we cannot invisage these 'ideal couples' having any problems behind closed doors. We always assume that things must be all rosy and okay and that's why they come across as 'ideal couple' or couples to us.

The truth of the matter is that all relationships or marriages are very special, very unique and very private. No one involved in them is willing to discuss openly about any problems they might be facing in public or even amongst a very close circle of friends. To be inquistive on our part would mean being 'nosey' and it is not a nice thing to be. That is the reason we mind our own business and fail to ask too many questions regarding any problems the couple/couples might be having.

Anyway, I don't wish to bore you to tears by going on and on. So, I will say this again, be supportive, caring and loving towards your brother and his family and talk to them over the phone and try to understand why are they separating. Let's pray that their separation is a very friendly one and that not many people get hurt in this process.

I whish you the best of luck and may God guide you, your brother and his family in these times of crisis.

Matney, I hope you will pull yourself out of this dark episode in your life very soon because your brother and his family need you now even more than before. So be strong.


Good Luck.

Shilo

Postby Shilo » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 4:35 am

Great advice.

Matney
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Postby Matney » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 6:33 am

Wow! Thank you for all the great, honest advice. I have written my brother & sister-in law to offer support and the spare bed if they really need to get away from the familiar surroundings. I also wrote my niece last night, but I don't have emails for my other niece or nephew--I will get those from their sister. I will get out of this mood, but again thank you for showing there are a lot of caring people, no matter what nationality, right here in Singapore. I feel better already! :wink: [/i]

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Luvs2BSpoild
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Postby Luvs2BSpoild » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 1:08 pm

Hi Matney...

I, too, am so sorry to hear of your situation. In reading the replies that you have received to your post, I think you have been given some wonderful advice. Just remember that loss, in whatever shape or form it takes, can tear the heart apart and only time will help ease the pain. Remain close to both your brother and your sister-in-law... Love them and let them know that you are there for them. I am sure that in time you will find out what had happened... perhaps they are just too uncomfortable to talk about it to anyone.... even family.

In addition, Matney, I know we posted to each other once before about perhaps getting together for coffee. Unfortunately, at the time, I was in the process of making a trip back to the states for the birth of my sister's first baby. I have just returned once again from the states, being gone several weeks, and now I plan on staying put for a few months. If you feel up to it, I would love to meet up with you! Drop me a line if you are at all interested, ok?

Best wishes to you and hang in there.... things will get easier in time.

Matney
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Postby Matney » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 7:41 pm

Luvs2BSpoiled you have a PM

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Luvs2BSpoild
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Postby Luvs2BSpoild » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 8:52 pm

Thank you Matney... There is a reply waiting for you!


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