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Divorced with kids?

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AlexY

Postby AlexY » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 7:20 pm

mother actully spendt a lot of money on jewellery, dont know why cos my parents never went out much anywhere. And dad bought jewellery for mistress-- dont know who start first and who took revenge!

so everyday fight about money and about dad comeing back late.
we dont mind them divorcing but my mother always talkd bad about my father and father never talk about anything! just have you eaten? got pocket money? how is school? my school counseler said i shud ask him to join me and my friends for games ... what is there to talk about?


DVK

Postby DVK » Sat, 20 Aug 2005 3:55 pm

When i first posted this and asked this question I did so at a whim, i never considered the idea of divorce because it was too scary and it WAS about 'face' - believe it or not we dont hve to be Asian to worry about 'face' (which translated means 'pride')

Whether you leave your husband or your husband leaves you, either way you have to put up with the sorry or accusing looks of friends, relatives, colleagues etc.

But I have realised that all that is better that lying next to a man I know has slept with countless women other than me!! I need to have some self respect now. I have read the posts here, i have gone into other sites, I have talked to strangers. I was worried about our children but I realise that what is important is that they know we both love them and that as long as we dont make shared custody difficult, they will be all right.

I know of many women who have no money and are worse off than me but who have been strong and made that break.. and here i am in my comfort zone- house, stability and 'pride' which i will soon be letting go off.

Thanks to those who shared yr posts- also that link posted, thanks.
I urge men and women to get out of your comfort zone. I was reading a book recently about a woman who had been married for 25 years complaining that her husband was leaving her for his secretary and the therapist asked her, you knew for SO many years he was doing this, yet you stayed in the marriage and not only did you do that, you didnt confront him,you didnt bring it up, you just kept quiet! What does that say about you!!

This past year has been a year of great learning for me, I am afraid but I am also ready end this marriage.

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Sat, 20 Aug 2005 4:02 pm

DVK wrote:When i first posted this and asked this question I did so at a whim, i never considered the idea of divorce because it was too scary and it WAS about 'face' - believe it or not we dont hve to be Asian to worry about 'face' (which translated means 'pride')

This past year has been a year of great learning for me, I am afraid but I am also ready end this marriage.


DVK,

You have my best wishes and goodluck. At the end of the day you have the rest of you days to live. Hopefully, happier.

sms

DVK

Postby DVK » Mon, 22 Aug 2005 2:05 am

sundaymorningstaple wrote:
DVK wrote:When i first posted this and asked this question I did so at a whim, i never considered the idea of divorce because it was too scary and it WAS about 'face' - believe it or not we dont hve to be Asian to worry about 'face' (which translated means 'pride')

This past year has been a year of great learning for me, I am afraid but I am also ready end this marriage.


DVK,

You have my best wishes and goodluck. At the end of the day you have the rest of you days to live. Hopefully, happier.

sms



Thanks SMS
I heard today of a woman who has two kids and no support of any sort. Why am i complaining? I have family willing to come out and be with me at the drop of a hat, enough money to pay for legal stuff and other things, i know lots of others in worse of situations. Mine is really about my pride, thats it, just my foolish pride that wouldnt let me leave this marriage. I know of some Asian women who know for a fact that thier husbands have mistresses, even wives in other countries and they dont ask for a divorce, i am not judging them, i guess its culture for some.
Anyway, i can afford therapy, how many other women can?
I have almost everything and in time, i will find new love.

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Postby ksl » Mon, 22 Aug 2005 4:19 am

DVK wrote:When i first posted this and asked this question I did so at a whim, i never considered the idea of divorce because it was too scary and it WAS about 'face' - believe it or not we dont hve to be Asian to worry about 'face' (which translated means 'pride')

Whether you leave your husband or your husband leaves you, either way you have to put up with the sorry or accusing looks of friends, relatives, colleagues etc.

But I have realised that all that is better that lying next to a man I know has slept with countless women other than me!! I need to have some self respect now. I have read the posts here, i have gone into other sites, I have talked to strangers. I was worried about our children but I realise that what is important is that they know we both love them and that as long as we dont make shared custody difficult, they will be all right.

I know of many women who have no money and are worse off than me but who have been strong and made that break.. and here i am in my comfort zone- house, stability and 'pride' which i will soon be letting go off.

Thanks to those who shared yr posts- also that link posted, thanks.
I urge men and women to get out of your comfort zone. I was reading a book recently about a woman who had been married for 25 years complaining that her husband was leaving her for his secretary and the therapist asked her, you knew for SO many years he was doing this, yet you stayed in the marriage and not only did you do that, you didnt confront him,you didnt bring it up, you just kept quiet! What does that say about you!!

This past year has been a year of great learning for me, I am afraid but I am also ready end this marriage.


Probably the best move you could ever make, it will build your character and give you the strength to be accountable for your own destiny. You will no doubt worry at times, but I'm sure, friends and family around will give you the support if needed. You are quite right, make the break up peaceful and friendly, and your friendship for the sake of the kids will be very positive, not only for them, but also for your soul.

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Postby Guest » Mon, 22 Aug 2005 6:15 am

ksl wrote:
DVK wrote:When i first posted this and asked this question I did so at a whim, i never considered the idea of divorce because it was too scary and it WAS about 'face' - believe it or not we dont hve to be Asian to worry about 'face' (which translated means 'pride')

Whether you leave your husband or your husband leaves you, either way you have to put up with the sorry or accusing looks of friends, relatives, colleagues etc.

But I have realised that all that is better that lying next to a man I know has slept with countless women other than me!! I need to have some self respect now. I have read the posts here, i have gone into other sites, I have talked to strangers. I was worried about our children but I realise that what is important is that they know we both love them and that as long as we dont make shared custody difficult, they will be all right.

I know of many women who have no money and are worse off than me but who have been strong and made that break.. and here i am in my comfort zone- house, stability and 'pride' which i will soon be letting go off.

Thanks to those who shared yr posts- also that link posted, thanks.
I urge men and women to get out of your comfort zone. I was reading a book recently about a woman who had been married for 25 years complaining that her husband was leaving her for his secretary and the therapist asked her, you knew for SO many years he was doing this, yet you stayed in the marriage and not only did you do that, you didnt confront him,you didnt bring it up, you just kept quiet! What does that say about you!!

This past year has been a year of great learning for me, I am afraid but I am also ready end this marriage.


Probably the best move you could ever make, it will build your character and give you the strength to be accountable for your own destiny. You will no doubt worry at times, but I'm sure, friends and family around will give you the support if needed. You are quite right, make the break up peaceful and friendly, and your friendship for the sake of the kids will be very positive, not only for them, but also for your soul.


Thanks ksl, i was warned by some xpat women that coming to Asia would be dangerous for my marriage but i think it wasnt the country but the person i married. He was unfaithful when we were in our home country and another country we lived in before Sin so i dont see how 'the where' would have made any difference. I am in my home country now for a vacation and have offered free access to the kids. He used to travel so much and didnt see them much anyway but now that we are separating he is making a fuss. I guess its male pride too. I havent decided where i want to stay in the end, for now I'll let the kids continue their education in Sin and wait and see i guess.

Lots of people talk about the 'girls' but at the end of the day, its up to the man- he made the choice to have the affairs, i chose to be blind because life was just too good for me. The past few months have been really ugly because i could see my own stuff coming up and how i screwed up- it was all about keeping up appearances for my parents who are society people back home. Well, enough's enough as they say!!

DVK

Postby DVK » Mon, 22 Aug 2005 6:17 am

sorry, post above was me

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Mon, 22 Aug 2005 7:34 am

all the best to you, DVK. just put it down to choosing the wrong man, and move on. enjoy being single again! doing things your way, going wherever you want whenever you want... and yes, dating again. look at it as many doors now being open to you... and once you have healed life will be good again.

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Postby Shabu-Shabu » Mon, 22 Aug 2005 9:14 am

The OP had a point when he said the whole idea of "staying for the kids" is really just idealistic and overhyped.
My mom stayed, for her own selfish reasons and her pride, with my dad till we (I) was 15.
Finally, she divorced him. After he made her lose the business she inherited from her father and went bankrupt.
Oh, and after she let our dad and herself shatter our entire dream for a happy family, or at the very least, a loving single mom.
No way, she wouldn't even let us have that.

She can't cook, she can't clean, she's like a teen stuck in a woman's body, she can't do a damn thing in the house, not even put a cup away. We (her kids) have to do all the cleaning, the cooking, the grocery bills, all that since we were 14, and we lost our maid because she went bankrupt.
Heck, when I was 14 I had to work at a fast food chain just to give her $3 - $5 everyday, and my brother who was 11 then, who worked cleaning our next door neighbours' paint brushes (she is an artist), for $5 an hour.
She earned $900, instead of using the company's lax rules on attendance at work (meaning you're free to go solicit business - it was a real estate co. - as long as you report for work, and sign off work. End of the week a report and a meeting will be held) to sleep at home the entire day, buy her luxury handbags, and the only damn grocery she ever bought was a loaf of bread every week because she liked eating kaya bread for breakfast.
I've always asked her, "why didn't you divorce dad earlier if you knew he was cheating on you and abusing all of us?"
Her pathetic reply was that she was "afraid he would destroy us". How? Anthrax?
I would've kicked him in the a$$ if he touched my family. I was so scarred during my childhood I had a very violent temper hidden under that perpetual, withdrawn, sullen silence.
I never did know the reason why she didn't leave him. But he sure had a good time with her and her money.
She could've divorced him and we'd be none-the-wiser.
How did it go when she told us she divorced him?
Mum :"Darling, I need to tell you something...your mummy divorced your dad 2 weeks ago."
Me : "oh, really. Ok...anyway mum, have you gotten your salary yet? I've been telling you to buy the groceries."

She is the most irresponsible mother I've ever met.
Today, while my fiancee and I finance our own education, my poor brother is stuck with her, a 16 year old (my brother, and my mom the teen-stuck-in-the-woman), who cooks, cleans, and plays housewife to my mother who throws him $60 a month from her $1000 salary (not to mention the CPF cash-outs which total to $400 a month) to buy the groceries, do his own thing, pay his transport and acts as though she is Saint Mary who's $60 gave my brother his salvation.
You want to know how much she gives me every month? $80. Wow, I can pay my rent, bills, and food in SG$80...wow your magnanimous donation really touched my heart, mom. Thanks, but no thanks, you can keep it.

She has been acting really...well, she's lost her class. She's been acting like a total crazy loon. She's always told us how much she scorned "emotional" people. I can hardly understand how she'd want me to buy an air ticket for my brother using whatever I'm living on right now, and expect not to pay a single cent on her part.
I'm already paying for my brother's living expenses. What a let-down, and she isn't even paying my brother's school fees; he has his "O"s this year but no school.
I don't know what she does with her money, but I do know, when I was back in Singapore every so now and then, my brother and I does weekly clean-up of her room which in the most literal sense, looks like a scene from the aftermath of the Hiroshima bombing. Newspapers, romance books, tissues, peanut shells, clothes, knick knacks, papers, documents and all sort of garbage. We have to literally wade through the place, in fact I can't recall how our flooring looks like thanks to her.
Every month I'd find a new luxury bag, some new clothes that aren't exactly very cheap (like a $189 Esprit denim jacket?! Or how about a $300 Hermes bag!), some make-up (C'mon mom, you're way past your peak! Act your age for once!), and alot of other crap.
Sometimes when we don't even have food in the house, she'd expect my fiancee to PAY for her son..it's fine, but she expects us to raise my brother! I'm struggling to get myself a decent education and even then looking for a decent job to supplement my living expenses, it's so responsible to try and dump her duties as a mother onto me.

That's what a bad marriage can do to your kids. My sister has gone nuts, she doesn't want to have anything to do with education ever since my mother sent her overseas and threw her there for more than 2 years (and the reason was because my sister had a boyfriend. I don't know what is if that wasn't an emotional decision) without sending her a cent, and my sister got deported and landed up back here. She doesn't want to have anything to do with my mum now and lives with her boyfriend.

I'm still in contact with my mum, and my brother is currently with me, and going back to Singapore to face my mom because he has no choice. No one has any idea of how much he just hates living with her and tells me everyday how he wishes he can stay with me here. I can relate, really. No one wants to stay in a house that isn't welcoming, your mother is never home the entire day, and you wish she'd stay out because whenever she comes back all there'd be are arguments and her messing up the place and throwing her crap around.

And my brother...the poor thing! I don't know if I can even send him money, but his education prospects are really looking dim because my mum has gone whack, treating us like trash, talking bad to us, and acting as though she's been so benevolent by sending us peanuts, we should all just prostrate to her.

The more we realise how much we missed out on our childhoods, and on how we'd love to have a mother who loved us, and we could come home to a kind and understanding, not to mention a strong mother who wouldn't collapse under some kind of pressure (if you have kids, DEAL with it!) just because it was her mistake, could cook up a decent meal, and made a wiser decision when she knew her marriage was at a dead end. Yeah...I miss it. As for the dad...well..I wish I had a dad, even, but I hardly saw my dad, maybe once a year, he'd come and give some money to us, argue with my mom and they'd go into a fight throwing knives at each other, just to have our maids and our granny (now dead. But it isn't surprising, isn't it? Haha..) carry us out in the middle of the night.

Well...my fiancee actually told me me that regrettably, my siblings and I "came" out by accident. Or maybe we were just a novelty. My mom was always telling us how she really wanted kids because it was difficult for her to conceive and she finally gave birth when she was 32...or was that 34?
I think we were just mere novelties, and she was using that to try and keep her husband...you know, in the sense that she was hoping he would realise he was a dad, settle down nicely with her.
What a lame excuse, and very disappointing.
Besides that, well, I think she wasn't prepared for the responsibilities. That's why today she acts as though she's finished with my sister and I and has one left to take down (my brother), but is doing it very poorly.

That's how a bad marriage can spiral all the way crashing down, and you taking the kids along with you if you make the wrong choice.
At least...my siblings and I know now what not to do when it comes to being parents. It's a harsh lesson for us.
Meowing out,
- Shabu-Shabu -

DVK

Postby DVK » Mon, 22 Aug 2005 11:45 am

Hi
Shabu Shabu, u made reference to the "original poster" and i just wanted to mention it was me - Im the woman who was considering divorce and very confused about divorce mostly because of the kids, i was even afraid to put a post up here for fear that some people may guess but one day i found myself staring into his coffee wondering if i should kill him or myself and then i had a mini nervous breakdown. Yes, in one month i had extreme highs and extreme lows, but i took that step and got him to sign the papers and moved out.

Anyway, I can feel for your pain- i have the luxury of affording therapy and i can tell you i wish i had done it a lot sooner! Please do go for yrself Shabu Shabu because in time to come, you could pass on baggage to your kids ifyou dont.

Ive started taking anti depressents and there are days i wonder if i made a mistake, but i know that comes from my parents telling me about how i had to keep up ''appearances''.

Yep, I became my parents!

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Postby Wind In My Hair » Mon, 22 Aug 2005 3:15 pm

DVK wrote:Yep, I became my parents!

don't we all?

Shabu Shabu, you sound amazingly well-adjusted for someone who has gone through what you did. i'm sorry your youth was such a difficult time, but at least you have the rest of your life to look forward to, and like you said, you have a good idea of what kind of person and parent you want to be.

Reminds me of a saying: if you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

i do hope you will forgive your parents one day. for your sake, not theirs.


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