Do any of you ever get Birthday Blues? I will be 28 in a few days' time and this year, I have absolutely no desire to celebrate. I expected some things about myself by the time I hit this age. Well, at least, I expecred that my life would to be in order. But I feel as if everything is in a huge mess.
I broke up with my last boyfriend 2-3 months ago and have gotten over it since. Now I have no desire to date at all. I'm physically attractive, intelligent and witty and have always had my share of suitors. But after a couple of failed relationships, I ask myself what’s the point of getting into another one? It’s just going to fail again. Sometimes this is because the guy is a total a**hole. Other times, I acknowledge my part in the failure. I’m not a perfect girlfriend, I have my flaws and my insecurities. I can try harder the next time round but I am tired, so tired, of getting my heart broken. I feel as if I have nothing to give of myself anymore. I’m not even making any effort to meet anyone new these days.
I also regret that I don’t have a close circle of friends to go out with regularly. Most of my friends are married or attached. A few even have babies now. Then there are others pursuing high powered careers and often have to put in long hours at work. We do go out sometimes but I don’t get to see them very often. Sometimes loneliness really hits me hard. I refuse to feel sorry for myself however and keep myself occupied with gym, sports, language classes etc. But my heart is not in all these activities. I feel as if I’m drifting from one day to the next without really looking forward to anything.
I would also like to do better in my career. I should have hit junior managerial level last year. But I was unhappy and found a new one. The pay was significantly higher but it wasn’t at the level I wanted. My new employers promised to promote me in 6 months when they confirmed me. Well, they did confirm me. But the promotion has dragged on and on, for more than 4 months due to a conflict with some HR directive from the parent company. I wasn’t the only person who was affected, there are a couple of others in the company who are in the same boat. This conflict is supposedly resolved and we will be promoted next month. But after waiting for it for nearly 5 months, I’m not going to believe the management until the promotion is formally announced. I’m feeling pretty down at the moment because I’m so behind my peers. I refuse to give out my namecard these days because I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m also not happy at work because of other reasons- some of the people I work with are inexperienced and have little idea what they’re supposed to be doing and this often has an impact on me; I am always deluged with work and given little support (the management kindly assigned me interns instead. They were not supposed to do menial work- who’s supposed to do them then??- and I always ended up spending more time training them than getting things done, so I was often a lot worse off than before); and my boss can be really nasty sometimes though in fairness, she’s mostly alright. It’s come to a point where I have trouble waking up for work. I’ve started to look for a new job already and will be happy to leave if I get another offer.
I’m sorry if this is a big whinging session. I try to keep positive most of the time. But I sometimes wonder what is the whole point of it all? I’m not suicidal. But there’s nothing to look forward to. Days pass by quickly and I feel as if I’m just going through the motion all the time. I've begun to wonder- just what is the meaning of life? Why am I even making the effort to drag myself out of bed every morning. And the worst thing is, I don’t know how to snap out of it all and make things better!!! Sigh.
Has anyone ever felt this way? Do such feelings pass once your birthday is over?
