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Advice for Professional Couple

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Professional Couple

Advice for Professional Couple

Postby Professional Couple » Wed, 20 Jul 2005 9:30 am

I'm looking for some advice.

I've met a wonderful man since being in Singapore and we have both agreed that we are in this relationship for the long term.

We both love Singapore and had decided to make this our home for the next few years.

My partner was recently head hunted by another company and has interviewed for the position and is quite interested in the position. This would mean moving to another Asian country. The money would be considerably more, but he would have to travel at least 1 week every month. He / we have yet to make a decision.

The problem is that I would be moving without a job. I've worked hard to build my career here as we were intending to stay. I would be looking for work in the new country but I come from a very specialised area and am unsure on how easy it would be to obtain work. I know relationships are about compromise but I'm unsure about this.

Has anyone else moved in this situation? Can help us work on a compromise or how to make this work.

MorningGlory
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Postby MorningGlory » Wed, 20 Jul 2005 9:41 am

Very valid concerns! Thank you for trusting us to help you.
Am rushing out but will put my few cents worth here quickly-
this is heart and mind, logic and intuition stuff. Not a decision to be made lightly.
1.Do some research VERY quickly on the work you do and if it can be used in the country yr BF has been asked to go to.
2. Ask about yr skills on the career section of this forum (pls put it here too so i can follow up and see if i can help in some way)
3. What is it about your work here that fulfils you so much (get to the feeling part of it- what emotions does it satisfy?) Can these 'feelings' be 'brought up' in another role, organisation, job?
4. Can you do what you do from home? Virtually?

If u can say here what you do, im sure i and others can come up with more ideas for you.

Stay in touch and keep communicating and sharing your thoughts, you'll get clarity soon enough without the angst.

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Postby YF » Wed, 20 Jul 2005 9:48 am

One thing I think you might worry about is that (1) you may resent him if you are feeling less fulfilled. If you have worked hard for your career and its important to you then maybe this is he best thing. If its not broken, don't fix it. (2) There IS the possibility that things don't work out, especially if number 1 causes some problems. In that case, you may find yourself set back. I think if you are both in it for the long haul it should be good for BOTH of you. Ask yourself, would you be happy being a housewife if you couldn't get a job? If no, then this may ruin what you have between the two of you. I know I couldn't give up my career, and I wouldn't ask it of my significant other.

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Postby Oriental » Thu, 21 Jul 2005 8:09 am

Funny how this kind of question is almost always asked by women. If you look at many expatriate families you will soon see a pattern. The family moves to wherever the man gets a job. The woman has to give up her career and quite often becomes a shadow of her former self. This kind of imbalance is unhealthy in the long run and creates tension and unhappiness in the family. :cry:

I think that the hiring company has a moral obligation to you both as a couple to secure an interesting and challenging job for you as well. Either within its own organisation or with some other company. They should be able to pull some strings and make that happen. It’s just a matter of willingness to do what is right, both in a moral and most probably also an economic sense. Happy and content employees tend to contribute more to the company’s efficiency and productivity than heartbroken ones. :wink:

My wife and I had this discussion too. And we decided to put our marriage first. In order to do that we created our own company and now share a rich and exciting life, private as well as professional. We are moving our company head quarter to Singapore where we will engage in the challenge of taking our company global, all the while being able to benefit from the increased standard of living that Singapore can offer us. :D

I’m not saying that you should do as we do, but rather that there may be solutions to your dilemma that can actually benefit all parties. Just use your imagination. :idea:

Good Luck :!:
Impossible is nothing!

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Postby k1w1 » Thu, 21 Jul 2005 8:30 am

Wow, this is really tough...

Have you started looking for opportunities in the new place - or does it just seem like slim chances?

As the above posters have said, a lot of expat wives have been in this boat and some of them do get very resentful. I guess it will depend on your personality - for me, being in the wrong country (a few years ago now, I was not in Singpore) but my partner was happy, made me a very bitter and twisted individual - and I had a job! So my point is that if you are going to be unhappy about the move, for any reasons, then it warrants some serious consideration... which is obviously what you are doing right now!!!

Of course, all this said, if your partner feels like he has had to give up something, then the resentment could be a two-way street....

Could there be anything else for you in this country? A studying opportunity, another branch or area of expertise, a chance to learn another langauge, even? The trick is to make sure that the move is NOT just going to benefit your partner - that's how the resentment kicks in... especially as it sounds like he is going to be away a fair bit.

I'm sorry I don't have any concrete advice, this is a really tough situation.

Good luck, anyway - let us know how things work out for you.

Professional Couple

Postby Professional Couple » Thu, 21 Jul 2005 12:24 pm

Thank you for taking to time to reply.

We have discussed the situation and after a little research it's quite viable for me to try and do freelance work or even start my own company.

My main concern that I will resentful making the move, but if we stay my partner will be resentful for staying.

I guess it's just part of being in a relationship. My past relationships have always been about me not feeling comfortable enough to stand up for what I want, but now I'm in a great, healthy relationship I'm trying to learn how to voice what I want and need while thinking about the relationship...wow...it's abit like going on Oprah :)

I would appreciate any advice, personal experience how you work on compremise.

Bubbs

Postby Bubbs » Thu, 21 Jul 2005 4:49 pm

Hi

I moved to Singapore with my husband and children in the 90's. We ended up staying over eight years.

Before I moved to Singapore I was a journalist and did freelance plus more regular stints on some local London newspapers plus magazine work. I loved my job and had my life 'sorted' careerwise and family wise.

I was horrified to think that I would have to move away for, what was then, a period of two or three years. Where would I go to professionally, would I disappear from view?

And the answers...yes, I did. Disappear that is. The thing was that it was vitually impossible to get full time employment in Singapore in my field as the competition is fierce and the staff all about 14 years old!!! Seriously though, I had many months of despair.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVED SINGAPORE. The chance to be an expat wife was wonderful, the people were great, the land fantastic.

But...........I was so fed up. Eventually I did gratis work on the magazine of my club, and this saved me.

And yes, it did make me kind of bitter in a way. But in the end my family and being with my husband meant more to me than being away from him.

However....life does change as now he is in another posting abroad and at my age I decided not to move there full time as life moves on, and I do more work from home now.

If it was NOW, I would have taken those years off for study. I may have done another college course on the net. In those days it was not so widely accessible.

Just a few thoughts.

Guest

Postby Guest » Fri, 22 Jul 2005 1:10 am

Professional Couple wrote:Thank you for taking to time to reply.

We have discussed the situation and after a little research it's quite viable for me to try and do freelance work or even start my own company.

My main concern that I will resentful making the move, but if we stay my partner will be resentful for staying.

I guess it's just part of being in a relationship. My past relationships have always been about me not feeling comfortable enough to stand up for what I want, but now I'm in a great, healthy relationship I'm trying to learn how to voice what I want and need while thinking about the relationship...wow...it's abit like going on Oprah :)

I would appreciate any advice, personal experience how you work on compremise.


I've seen this problem time and time again, and I often ask myself how 2 professionals, cannot sort such a little problem out. My wife is also a professional, I mean why can't I call myself a professional as well.

I have been put in this situation more than once, just to please the wife. I have no trouble surviving, But I suspected my professional wife, was not that professional after all. So I asked her to do a risk test, basically it was to do with stockmarket investment.

After we had both completed the test, my suspicions were backed up with evidence, that she suffered from risk aversion.

I mean how can one hold a position of responsibility, with risk aversion, I gather also that it probably effects more women, than men, probably age also has something to do with it.

I mention this because if you have the same problem, it is more your self confidence, than anything else. You should throw yourself in the deep end, you will be surprised I you cope.

Many professionals lack the confidence in themselves, when it comes to survival. I recommend adventure training and survival training to over come your worries. It will also benefit you in your work place.

Bubbs

Postby Bubbs » Fri, 22 Jul 2005 1:53 am

Damned good reply that last one. Lots to be said for that sort of training. I went on an NLP course once where they had you walking over ravine type river beds on rope bridges. With all the others egging you on ....I tell you what, it's bloody scary, but it certainly gives you more confidence to branch out into the unknown, and to do that is not always bad.....it teaches you how stilted you can become and how to take chances.

Go for it you two, is what I think. Hell, it's only a couple of years and think of the strange and wonderful new things you will see.

Not being miserable here, but life REALLY is short, and damned dull.


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