Do i have a personality flaw or do other women suffer this?

Lipstick · Post by **Lipstick** » Sun, 17 Jul 2005 3:28 pm

Ive been told that I really must go out and meet lots of men and go out with several men (not be unfaithful or sleep with all of them) but really just date more than one guy at a time and not put my hopes and dreams on one at each time because its good to 'spread' my bets so to speak.

This is really hard for me to do.. if i like one guy, i can go out with another equally nice guy but i really cant get myself 'into' guy nbr 2 or 3 because i might like guy nbr 1. Ive tried so many times but just cant!

Im not kidding, this isnt a joke post- im serious- ive met a guy i like but i know HE is playing the field and i tell myself, go out, get out, meet others, mix, socialise.. dont put yr cards on this one, he'll break yr heart, (well he might) but i cant bring myself to do it!! Ah but when i am not interested in a single guy , then i find i can go out and date a few..the killer is once i start liking one... all other actions gets put in KIV file

this is why it takes so long for me to get into dating action after each one fails.. too much time lapse in between... so much time wasted 'getting over' one before i start with another... whats wrong with me?

seraphim · Post by **seraphim** » Sun, 17 Jul 2005 4:07 pm

I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with you at all.

Some women simply don't feel comfortable 'dating' several men at one time. Sometimes its the way they've been brought up, the morals or sexual gender roles they've been taught to play (ie, nice girls don't do that kind of thing), or simply avoidance of being branded a slut for being seen with too many men at a time (NOTE: I said 'being branded'. That doesn't mean that you ARE one, its just the way some people perceive things. No flaming, or I'm gonna get pissed).

I have a similar issue - I focus attention on one, so I can't concentrate on others. *shrugs* Its pretty normal to me.

kahlan · Post by **kahlan** » Sun, 17 Jul 2005 4:47 pm

Don't worry yourself about it. That is a behavior most women have. Just as seraphim said, it's got something to do with the way you are brought up, your morals, etc etc.

k1w1 · Post by **k1w1** » Sun, 17 Jul 2005 9:18 pm

It sounds to me like you're a really nice person. Is this a rare thing? I won't answer! Is it a good thing? Absolutely, just make sure you are clear about your actions so the guy you are seeing doesn't think he can "date" a bunch of other women. This is where nice people get hurt.

YF · Post by YF » Mon, 18 Jul 2005 3:48 am

This is my approach to things. What I like t do is to get to know some STRICTLY as friends first. Don't think of it as a date, just two people hanging out getting to know each other. Be straight up about this. I think this has a number of advantagess:

(1) You are just getting to know someone, there is no pressure, and you should take the pressure off yourself as well. Hopefully you can be more yourself and see the other person for who they really are as well.

(2) It can help to distinguish between a sexual attraction and a true attraction. I think if it is ever going to work between two peope they must be able to be friends. Starting out as friends should help ensure this.

(3) If its just friends then you shouldn't feel bad about hanging out with other people as well. Wait until you KNOW that you really like this person, and that the feeling is mutual. Don't pin your hopes on the promise of something, or some romanitc ideal about the person. Remember, people put on their best face when they date and that may not be a good reflection of who they really are.

YF · Post by YF » Mon, 18 Jul 2005 4:02 am

One more thing:

I don't think this is a bad thing. I tried dating two girls at the same time and it was just way too stressful. Besides, if I like one, more than the other, then its obvious who you really want to spend time with.

One thing I am not sure about though is maybe you are "rushing" things a little too quickly. That is, maybe after one date you are just commiting yourself to one person. This may scare someone off who just wants to get to know you before he makes up his mind. Again, refer to my comments above. This has been a good strategy for me. But no, I don't think this is a bad thing, in fact I encourage it. I don't think its a "moral" thing either, maybe it just comes down to preference.

MorningGlory · Post by **MorningGlory** » Mon, 18 Jul 2005 9:54 pm

YF wrote:One more thing:

I don't think this is a bad thing. I tried dating two girls at the same time and it was just way too stressful. Besides, if I like one, more than the other, then its obvious who you really want to spend time with.

One thing I am not sure about though is maybe you are "rushing" things a little too quickly. That is, maybe after one date you are just commiting yourself to one person. This may scare someone off who just wants to get to know you before he makes up his mind. Again, refer to my comments above. This has been a good strategy for me. But no, I don't think this is a bad thing, in fact I encourage it. I don't think its a "moral" thing either, maybe it just comes down to preference.

YF you must be an exception, dating just one woman at a time! Most men seem to cruise through a few dates in a week or seeing a few women at the same time. Having said that of course it makes sense, for a woman to go out with a few guys, like Lipstick says.. she's not sleeping with them but she has a right to go out with a few until one wants a commitment and she feels mutual...

Wind In My Hair · Post by **Wind In My Hair** » Tue, 19 Jul 2005 6:19 pm

I agree with the statement that we should make sure we can be friends first and foremost before getting more serious. Jumping into a relationship too soon, which seems to be the trend these days, often means that sex messes up the picture and prevents both parties from evaluating their true compatibility.

A friend of mine advocates group dating, and I'm starting to agree. Seeing a potential date in a group context allows you to see if he is generally nice to everybody, only nice to pretty girls, gets along with other guys etc. Whereas on one-to-one dates, you only have his word for it, and it takes months sometimes to get an opportunity to witness him in a proper social setting, by which time you are sexually involved and can't think clearly on whether to stay or leave....

In the past I dated one guy at a time but have realised that things sometimes happen too fast that way. Now I'm more inclined to date casually (ie keep it platonic) without commiting to an exclusive relationship and I see nothing wrong with that.

YF · Post by YF » Thu, 28 Jul 2005 7:20 am

Maybe I would, but I generally don't encounter a girl I am inclined to go out with. I think I have a good idea about what I like in a girl, and most girls don't fit the bill.

Arty · Post by **Arty** » Thu, 28 Jul 2005 9:27 pm

YF wrote:Maybe I would, but I generally don't encounter a girl I am inclined to go out with. I think I have a good idea about what I like in a girl, and most girls don't fit the bill.

hmmn YF.. does this mean you are going to start getting interested in boys?

YF · Post by YF » Thu, 28 Jul 2005 11:54 pm

Aaahhhhh....no. Not a chance in hell. Physical attraction is necessary but not a sufficient condition. So if I met an good looking girl, it doesn't mean I want to spend time with her because that only gets you in the door.

cyber_m0nkey · Post by **cyber_m0nkey** » Fri, 29 Jul 2005 3:55 pm

As I se it, your only flaw is that you get advice from people who don't really know how to give it.

Do what you feel is right and makes you happy (as long as this doesn't negatively impact on others.)

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri, 29 Jul 2005 5:29 pm

cyber_m0nkey wrote:As I se it, your only flaw is that you get advice from people who don't really know how to give it.

Do what you feel is right and makes you happy (as long as this doesn't negatively impact on others.)

clearly you come under the category of "people who dont really know how to give it"!

Guest 1 · Post by **Guest 1** » Wed, 10 Aug 2005 8:37 pm

Don't u guys rationalise things a bit? It's a matter of chemistry. It either works or not. And YES. Sex is part of the picture. I f you are really attracted to somebody you wanna be with him/her, spend time and make love. And from then on you try; and it either works or not. And i agree. When i like someone i cannot date more men (not SLEEP with them). What's the point? Find a better catch? I acn go out with friends and have fun but not entertain suitors. It's not fair for anybody!

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Do i have a personality flaw or do other women suffer this?

Do i have a personality flaw or do other women suffer this?

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