Women and cheating

[Bafana]

Very funny thread lah...

The only definte in Singapore here is that most men and women are cheating on each other. - It seems to be part of the culture

[GuestGuest]

And change "men" in "women" , it works too...

yes Sved, you again are setting things straight, and sensibily so

to everyone else, is it just me, or do quite a number of women here have some pretty considerable unhealthy suspicions when meeting new guys? I always seem to get a grilling-over, due to some prior, unfortunate experience

pretty odd hearing how much cheating is going on, but maybe it comes from guilty consciouses, I don't know

[Guest]

I can't answer for all women but it's a rational thing when you meet a new guy to wonder if he is the cheating type. Unless a girl is totally naive, she will have to admit the possibility that this man may be a cheat and as she gets to know him better perhaps she will come to believe that he is a good man and learn to trust him.

I personally find it totally unreasonable for a man to expect a woman to trust him from the start when they hardly know each other.... so the rule is: assume he is a loser until proven otherwise!!!

[Truuu]

I can't answer for all women but it's a rational thing when you meet a new guy to wonder if he is the cheating type. Unless a girl is totally naive, she will have to admit the possibility that this man may be a cheat and as she gets to know him better perhaps she will come to believe that he is a good man and learn to trust him.

I personally find it totally unreasonable for a man to expect a woman to trust him from the start when they hardly know each other.... so the rule is: assume he is a loser until proven otherwise!!!

absolutely agree, assume he is guilty until proven otherwise !

[YF]

I agree, but I think that should go both ways. I think the best way is to TAKE YOUR TIME to get to know hwta kind of person they are.

[bellevie]

How to tell if the guys is the cheating kind...Well these are some of the signs I would look for. You would need to add them up to get a more complete picture. As well, I can only say about North American guys; I don't know if there is a cultural difference or not.

This is normally something you get an overall "feel" for but I will try to break it down into something tangible.

(1) Does he have a lot of vices? Gambling, smoking, drinking, drugs. I found addictive personalities are more likely to cheat as they have less self control

(2) Is the guy nice to everyone or just girls he likes? If the latter, he will be more likely to cheat. Reasoning: guy who is only nice to girls is probably not genuinly a good guy, but puts on airs. You want to avoid these guys.

(3) Do other guys like him? If so, what kind of friends does he have? Do they trust him? Respect him? Are they quality friends? If yes, you could be okay. If not, you are in trouble.

(4) Try to get a sense of his general moral character. Is he the guy to do sometihng on principle, or iif he can get away with it, will he? Its a slippery slope.

(5) Guys who throw around a lot of money, I found are the cheaters. I think one of the reasons is that they have low self esteem. Sleeping with other girls helps vidicate himself. Of course if he is getting them by spending lots of money on them he probably lacks the faculties to get a girl because the **my god** actually like him. I bartended for a lot of years and saw a lot of dirt bags like this comeing in and (trying) to cheat on their wives.

(6) Is he empathetic? If yes, then he probably knows how you would feel. If not, then he cant relate and will more likely be a hypocrite.

(7) Does he want things to come easy, or is he willing to work for something he wants. If the former, you are in trouble. These are the "quick fix" guys you want to stay away from.

(8) What does his ex girlfriends think of him? DUH! Don't take his word that they are psycho--and if they are what does that say about his taste. Probably he was a bad bf.

(9) Is he transparent or secretive? Ya, I know, girls like the "bad boys" because they assume that this is somehow correlated with confidence. Fact is, if he is transparnt about things then you have less to worry about. He wont let you start worrying for nothing. If something does come up, you will know because his demeanor will change.

(10) dont assume that because he is all lovely dovey in bits and spurts that he is not cheating on you. Maybe this is his guilt coming out.

Well this is just a bit of advice. Take it for what its worth--heuristic rules if you will.

Thanks for all the tips, YF and guest-Been there, done that..
I m feeling pretty jaded now too, and experienced some stuff recently that challenged my principles actually..feeling a bit lost and finding my own identity all over again, in the relationship sense. Kind of confused as to, what i really want..resorted to doing many things alone, which i wont do in e past, trying to figure things out..any ideas how to know what you really want?

[Bubbs]

I just watched a programme on TV here about dating. It was a proper, controlled scientific experiment about speed dating and what people find attractive in others. Face shape, life preference, body shape etc etc etc.

And excruciatingly, do you know what it all came down to in the end? Even though we didn't want to think it could be true? (Don't worry, I am keeping to topic, cheating does come into it).....

Yep, looks. All the men prefered the slim yet busty and prettier women...ie..long hair, large mouth, big eyes.....

And all the women preferred the tall men with money or status(but not at the beginning where they had to sit opposite them without speaking....then the ones they saw and didn't like they voted low, but when say they found out he was a uni lecturer or doctor the scores shot up....but still not enough for the short, plain guys to get a date) Men on the other hand kept their scores level and never put the plainer girls up in their scores even though they got on well with them in the experiment later....well, hardly much.

The scientists discovered that all their theories went out of the window and in honesty men preferred good looks and slim figures with big busts even if the woman was a bit dim.....and women preferred tall over everything but loved thinking the guy had a 'place' in society...men also liked the more docile woman who let them be King to their serving wench type image.

But here comes the cheating bit...........men were more than willing to go to bed with some of the women...and asked them in one case...even though they told the women involved that they'd take it no further than a quick s...!!............

So, if they're basic preferences are always for the best in the pile, yet knowing they'll not always get it....they will still be up for one night stands when they can...even with ones they find not to their taste.

But the women on the other hand would not sleep with the uglier men even though they had their top wishes in the list...ie...height and status. Though of course they were prepared to have a go with the good looking guys, but still these women would have liked these encounters to go further than that.

So, there you have it...in that experiment anyway.....Men....looks are important but not as important if they just want a quick f...

Women...height and status and looks third.....

So, this is why I think men are more inclined to cheat and not think it any big deal as it's sort of hard wired into them in a way...if they get the chance and won't be found out....moreso than women a bit as they DO think of the outcome and are more geared to providing a home for their 'kids' or a lifestyle for themselves.

Not sure everyone will agree with me, but it was plain as the nose on your face in the programme. Oh well......save up for the plastic surgeon then....sigh!!! (I am joking, lol!)

[Wind In My Hair]

Thanks for the detailed run-down, Bubbs. I do look for height in a man but that's because I'm tall. Why would short girls want a tall man? It just looks so strange when a couple walking together is a head or more different in height. I would imagine it's hard to whisper in each other's ear and all that kind of thing....

[Wind In My Hair]

Thanks for the detailed run-down, Bubbs. I do look for height in a man but that's because I'm tall. Why would short girls want a tall man? It just looks so strange when a couple walking together is a head or more different in height. I would imagine it's hard to whisper in each other's ear and all that kind of thing....

[YF]

Bellieve

Well I am not sure how old you are or what your life experiences are like but I do have a bit of a fmormula for moving on. I learned it the hard way when I was 18, but it has suited me well, even when I am the breaker and not the breakee.

(1) I think if someone cheats on your or breaks up with you it is natural to think that its your fault or somehow you wern't good enough. Cheating, however is not often about you, but the other person.

(2) You need to stop thinking about things: yes, go do things you wouldn't do, go to the gym, read a book, whatever. I think you want to flood your mind with new experiences. Neurologically I think you want to start breaking down the "habit" of the other person, and that is, very much what it is. You have to re-wire your brain.

(3) Be a better person. The most important thing is to get your confidence back. Don't let this beat you, I think the best thing you have on your side now is spite. Tell yourself, I am better than this, he/she mae a big mistake. But this means that you have to go about being a better person as well. Don't give in to weakness, be strong and strength will come.

(4) Go out on lots of dates. I am not saying you have to sleep with someone, in fact I think you should just hang out with a lot of people as friends. If you stay away from emembers of the opposite sex for too long you will begin to loose even more confidence, become more shy, get lonely and then....you wil become desperate. Not only is it tough to meet soeone when you are feeling desperate but you are more likely to settle. Think of this as a n opportunity to meet new people and tell yourself that you are just getting to know peope as firends. Should take som of the pressure off and allow you to be yourself. Not to mention, maybe you meet someone you wouldn't have thought about liking before.

(5) Have fun, be adventurous. I don't know about guys in singapore but confidence on a girl is a HUGE turn on.

(6) Hang in there. If you are a girl: not all guys are bad. There are lots of good ones out there you just have to be patient and observant. Tell yourself that its worth waiting and don't settle.

-Rob

[YF]

but when say they found out he was a uni lecturer or doctor the scores shot up

Really? Then I should really move to Singapore! My impression has been that a PhD is not much of a turn on in North America--most girls think its weird and geeky. I am finishing mine right now, so I am working with first hand experienc here!

-Rob

[Bubbs]

Hi

Not sure if you're medical....they found medical docs almost always interesting...though goodness knows why as I know lots and they're just as boring as the next bloke in lots of respects. They seem to get a lot of 'action' though. Who knows why...must be the status?

[Wind In My Hair]

Think it's the access to free medical advice? I've dated a doctor before and personally find they are quite clinical... as in not much emotion... occupational hazard probably. Wouldn't want to go out with one again.

YF - guess women like PhDs cos chances are they are pretty intelligent and hopefully good conversationalists. Most man utter like two words a day and women need a lot more... PhDs maybe have more to say? If they can spend 3 years or more discussing one little issue... But don't get your hopes up too high. PhDs are also notorious for being well-educated but financially poor... a lot of women like rich men!

[YF]

Haha, no not medical! Strictly academic! And no, I am not getting my hopes up too high That said, you don't have to be attractive to them all, just enough to be able to find someone you like from that group.

-Rob

[Wind In My Hair]

Coming back to the original issue of women and cheating... I just did an informal survey on the Dating & Friends page of this website. Guess what I found out?

About one-third to half of the men who use that site declare that they are married but looking. Some even explicitly state that they want a discreet relationship on the side. The women, on the other hand, are mainly single.

Now this does not mean that women don't cheat, but certainly seems to suggest that men do it a LOT more! At least the men who use this site...