Third Parties, Cheating, Breakups and Coming Clean

[kansah]

Read a lot of threads in this forum where somebody is or has been involved with somebody involved in a relationship. And I have to ask, " Is it easier to cheat on somebody than telling that person that you no longer want to be with them?

What keeps people from telling their partners that they are unhappy in the relationship and want to move on to someone else? Is it the etiquette of the thing? Or is it about sparing your partner's feelings? Os is it selfishness? For married couples, is it the expense of the divorce?

If the reason people cheat is not to hurt others, if the wife,husband or girl/boyfriend finds out about it, does it lessen the pain? Isn't it worse? Aside from the pain of the breakup (or the possibility of it), you are dealt with betrayal, humiliation and the rosy mirror you have been looking at thinking that your world is just perfect will be shattered to pieces. Doesn't that multiply the pain to 3 or more?

What about if there are children involved? Regardless of the age, children who grew up in a loving household and looks up to their parents' union will be affected by the knowledge that one parent became unfaithful to the other. Adult children may understand but it will take a while for them to recover nonetheless. It is never easy to have one's rosy mirror shattered and your perception altered.

As for the third party, what keeps you interested in people involved with somebody else? From the posts I've gleaned that it's the connection. And it is difficult to ignore people you have connected to. But I don't think we all get involved in a relationship instantaneously. Nor do we fall in love instantaneously (sorry, don't believe in love at first sight). Isn't there a point where we ask ourselves whether we are going to get involved with somebody or not? When you get to that point, how do you arrive at the conclusion that it is okay to be with that person? Is it because they are so irresistible?

If the husband/wife tells you that their marriage is on the rocks, which is why they are pursuing you, is that really true? Whose perspective is that? Did you talk with the other person and confirm that information for yourself?

Now that you are inlove and involved, what keeps you from breaking things off especially if the other has no sign of breaking up with the other person?

I didn't post this to judge others' actions and decisions. I believe that people have only themselves to answer to for the decisions they have made. My objective is to learn those reasons why this happens.

All opinions welcome. And please no name calling! Let's be adults about this. We may discuss this heatedly but it won't do to resort to childish tactics,

Looking forward to reading other people's point of view...

[Uh_huh]

Thats a whole lot for a topic!

Where do I begin??

My left brain is beginning to hurt. So is my left testicle.

[kahlan]

I think we can all begin anywhere we want to. Personally, I'd like to know why people find it easier to cheat or lie instead of being honest and then breaking it off before becoming involved with another person.

[MorningGlory]

I think we can all begin anywhere we want to. Personally, I'd like to know why people find it easier to cheat or lie instead of being honest and then breaking it off before becoming involved with another person.

I think it has a lot to do with 'power' or really lack of it. It takes a lot of courage to be an honest person. It takes a lot of courage to look at your own darkness, the shadows within and own up to yourself and then to own up to another. Very very few people can do it. A guy will fight in a war, jump out of planes, run a marathon but he rarely can get in touch with his feelings and own up to the stuff going on inside.

I am not addressing this in a gender preference thing- but we are talking about truth-
and we are talking about lying and cheating in relationships- first we must look at why we get into the same relationships over and over again, why do we attract the same kind of man or woman? Do any of them remind us of our either or one of our parents?

Think about that for a moment....

[MissedSigns]

Here lies a friendship that meant so much to me, and now i lays in ruins destroyed by my own hands.

The evil of acceptance of the distaction of the third party.

[MissedSigns]

Here lies a friendship that meant so much to me, and now it lays in ruins destroyed by my own hands.

The evil of acceptance of the distaction of the third party.

[Morning Glory]

Here lies a friendship that meant so much to me, and now it lays in ruins destroyed by my own hands.

The evil of acceptance of the distaction of the third party.

Rather deep even for me,sounds a bit Shakespearan/shakespearish? explain... pls...

[Guest]

I think the sense of loss is very difficult to bear, and to break up cleanly ie before another party comes into the picture, can be difficult for many because of the fear that after the break-up, they may not find someone else. I may be wrong, but I suspect that people delay the break-up until they know they have found someone else. It's like an emotional safety net.

[kansah]

yeah, i understand. but there are people out there who get involved with others and don't break come clean with the people they were with originally.

[Guest]

that the life will be rosy after marriage just like the first year of courtship .. which is not possible since you start takin your partner a lil bit for granted and always ther for you.. also there are less of gifts, romantic dinners and outings as jobs also take priority and many other things. therefore, in such a situation, when what you're expectin is not there in the relationship, except stability which you miss when you lose the first relationship, if a third party woos you or does all those things knowing that you're engaged or married, you give in to the temptation that what you had earlier was not the true one. rather this is the true one.. and givin in to that evil temptation.. you actually lose both the relationship. coz the third party knew you were engaged/married and was in there only for some game or excitement. . . thats the greatest shock.. or may be it was not a shock at all for you coz u were cheatin on your partner thinkin you're too smart. but as lincoln said, you can't fool all the people all the time. not even yourself. as someone rightly pointed out, it takes more confidence than courage to stay clean and honest about yourself and your new relationship both for gals and guys. we learn and we keep learnin with our mistakes.

[pp]

my beliefs on this, and I speak from experience, are that as you said it all starts with the connection. You can't help or stop that connection, okay maybe you can distance yourself but its difficult. Over time you may fall in love, again you can't control this. A friend of mine believes you can control your emotions and feeling, I do not believe so, I think you're stuck with them. You don't chose to feel a certain way, it just happens. So regardless of your marital status, you are stuck with these feelings for another person which even if you try hard to block them out, you can't.

[Carlson]

my beliefs on this, and I speak from experience, are that as you said it all starts with the connection. You can't help or stop that connection, okay maybe you can distance yourself but its difficult. Over time you may fall in love, again you can't control this. A friend of mine believes you can control your emotions and feeling, I do not believe so, I think you're stuck with them. You don't chose to feel a certain way, it just happens. So regardless of your marital status, you are stuck with these feelings for another person which even if you try hard to block them out, you can't.

You'll be damned lucky if you get someone who feels the same way for and about you.. of course the complication will be if one or both attached to others.. then damn difficult..so what to do then.? thats why you must be sure why u get into any relationship to start with, dont get into it if not sure, dont marry without being sure..then years later if u grow apart in the marriage stop clinging to it and stop clinging to each other!! Woman worry about divorce because of money, men worry about divorce because of money.. nobody thinks about the feelings of the others they are involved in.. then both just live a lie and think the children dont know.

There's a story i heard from a 50 year old guy once, he was very drunk and started crying one day.. about his marriage and he said..out of the blue that when he was five, his parents fought so much and he wondered why on earth they lived together because he said they were both happy when on their own outside... he said they pretended in front of them for years until they were in their 60s still fighting, nagging, making rude remarks about each other, talking bad about each other, and he couldnt understand WHY they didnt get divorced earlier!! And then he said he is the same, that he was unhappy and now he was doing the same thing- staying in the marriage to save face!!

I was just sitting next to him in a bar and we were talking and he looked at me and asked me if i had a girlfriend and before i opened my mouth he started to cry and tell me his story!!

[Guest]

my beliefs on this, and I speak from experience, are that as you said it all starts with the connection. You can't help or stop that connection, okay maybe you can distance yourself but its difficult. Over time you may fall in love, again you can't control this. A friend of mine believes you can control your emotions and feeling, I do not believe so, I think you're stuck with them. You don't chose to feel a certain way, it just happens. So regardless of your marital status, you are stuck with these feelings for another person which even if you try hard to block them out, you can't.

You'll be damned lucky if you get someone who feels the same way for and about you.. of course the complication will be if one or both attached to others.. then damn difficult..so what to do then.? thats why you must be sure why u get into any relationship to start with, dont get into it if not sure, dont marry without being sure..then years later if u grow apart in the marriage stop clinging to it and stop clinging to each other!! Woman worry about divorce because of money, men worry about divorce because of money.. nobody thinks about the feelings of the others they are involved in.. then both just live a lie and think the children dont know.

There's a story i heard from a 50 year old guy once, he was very drunk and started crying one day.. about his marriage and he said..out of the blue that when he was five, his parents fought so much and he wondered why on earth they lived together because he said they were both happy when on their own outside... he said they pretended in front of them for years until they were in their 60s still fighting, nagging, making rude remarks about each other, talking bad about each other, and he couldnt understand WHY they didnt get divorced earlier!! And then he said he is the same, that he was unhappy and now he was doing the same thing- staying in the marriage to save face!!

I was just sitting next to him in a bar and we were talking and he looked at me and asked me if i had a girlfriend and before i opened my mouth he started to cry and tell me his story!!

my parents got divorced in their 60s!!! can u imagine! we were shocked but as childen i think WE were the ones in denial - cos i remember they were so unhappy esp cos of my father's infidelties and my mother waited and waited and at the end my father was the one who asked for the divorce after all that time - and he didnt even have another woman! he just said that he didnt want to be with her, and he felt like that for a long time even when he was not having affairs, it was not about the women he said, it ws about him growing as a person and she staying stagnant and he said he wanted to be with a soulmate, someone he could talk about anythng - its been two years since the divorce and he looks like his 50s and now that he's divorced we thought he might be on the prowl but he said he actually just likes his own company and kept saying he is waiting for the 'right' one to come along-- i hated him for all his infidelties and now he is wierd and i think he is lonely but wont admit it.. i wonder if that man in the bar could have been my father!!!