EMOTIONAL RAPE

[G2005]

What is Emotional Rape?

Emotional rape has many similarities to physical rape, particularly date rape. Date rape involves the sexual use of someone's body without consent. In a like manner, emotional rape is the use of someone's higher emotions, such as love, without consent. However, in the case of emotional rape the lack of consent is contained in what the perpetrator doesn't say... his or her hidden agenda. Emotional rape can happen to both men and women. Both forms of rape can be very devastating and require specialized programs for recovery.

Several major obstacles are encountered in recovery from emotional rape. The first is that the victim knows that something bad happened, but doesn't know what or why. And as in date rape, a big issue is that of trust. Victims often feel that they will never be able to love or trust anyone again. Other obstacles to recovery, again similar to date rape, are the re-victimization of the victim by friends, family, and society and the subsequent tendencies toward self-blame and silence about what happened. The book addresses these concerns as well as many more in the five chapters on recovery.

[Guest]

where do you buy so nice "grass", dude?

[G2005]

It Could Happen to Anyone

Shara, who died after jumping from a freeway overpass into rush hour traffic, was exploited by a rapist who could accurately be described as armed and dangerous; an accomplished deceiver who had 'raped' before.

Without exception, victims describe two predominant characteristics of their rapists:

They are charismatic, ostensibly attractive personalities, likely to be widely admired, but with a naturally manipulative nature.

They can completely conceal their true selves.

These two observations draw attention to one of the central features of such behavior:

Emotional rape can happen to anyone. The widely varying backgrounds and personalities of those who have already become victims demonstrate the danger in thinking otherwise; in believing "It could never happen to me."

It is sometimes difficult to believe that no moral responsibility rests with the victim - because he or she was weak, naive, or otherwise "to blame" - but that it lies with the rapist, whose ability to conceal his or her true self is such that almost anyone could be deceived.

The next chapter (which addresses the question, What Makes Emotional Rape Possible?) looks at the reasons why such a wide range of people are vulnerable to this traumatic experience.

The focus here is mainly on the rapist, examining what it is that makes an individual capable of this form of psychological aggression.

[G2005]

Significant Features

There are two other significant features of emotional rape, the first being sudden reversal.

The victim thinks the relationship is fine until this illusion is unexpectedly shattered, typically when the ambitions of the rapist have been achieved, or when he or she realizes the success of the hidden agenda is threatened.

This was evident in the story of Steve and Ellen. She had completed her hidden agenda, and her true priorities were exposed when he returned home after surgery and needed her to care for him.

The second characteristic is that victims feel extremely "used" and fear they will never be able to love or trust again.

For Steve this feeling was so overwhelming that it made him vomit. It is this devastating effect that emotional rape has upon the individual that absolutely justifies the use of the word "rape" to describe the experience.

[G2005]

Exchanging the Lie

If society fails to acknowledge powerlessness, it has to assume that the victims of emotional rape are weak, lack intelligence, or somehow chose what happened to them. And there is a subconscious agreement to exchange the lie that we are all in control, which is a dangerous state of affairs.

First, we have no power to resist the HALF factors (Health, Achievement, Love, and Faith), but in believing that we do, we are bound to be off guard if any of these factors is exploited.

Second, as long as we believe we are in control, we tend to feel we are wholly responsible for what happens to us. This is only one step away from believing there's no such thing as emotional rape, and it is denying the existence of emotional rape that helps make it possible.

If we believe we are able to control everything that happens in our lives, instead of seeing emotional rape for what it is - the self-serving misuse of the best instinctive human qualities, such as love an trust - we see it as a natural and unavoidable aspect of life.

There is absolutely no reason why we should accept this as a valid view; it obviously isn't accepted as valid when applied to other areas of human behavior.

We would never suggest that child molestation is natural and unavoidable. Instead, we accept that children are powerless, and that the child molester is evil. The only reason we do not apply the same logical process to consideration of emotional rape is because we believe the silent lie that we are strong and in control.

Society does not appreciate the full range of powerlessness. We need to acknowledge our powerlessness to resist the HALF factors in the same way that we concede the inherent vulnerability of a child.

[ksl]

I'm posting this link simply for educational purposes, emotional rape happens more than one realises, and actually both men and women maybe guilty of it, due mostly to our difference in sexual wants and needs, and the lack of knowledge that most people have, on the psychological damage caused by ones persistant demands.

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/women_abuse/110270

I myself was raped by a women in her 30's many years ago, while i was actually pissed out of my head, and half asleep, It actually took place in the living room of my apartment.

I would never have known, that I had been raped, if it wasn't for a male friend that was staying the night and sleeping on the floor.

He told me the next day, that he kepts saying to the woman, to leave me alone, because i was so drunk. You may wonder why I could manage an erection, well I have never really had problems in that area, with drink, until only a year or two back.

Anyway the point I am making here is simply, that the next day, I was shocked and disappointed, because I knew Hanna was a junkie, I would never have ever consented to sexual intercourse, I didn't even like the woman enough to want sex with her.

So for the next year I was just hoping that the aids tests, would prove to be negative. I was aware that aids was spreading in the junkie area, and was quite emotionally worried for a good year, after the act.

It was even worse when I found out that Hanna was dead, several years later! I just couldn't relax until I found out how she died.

For those that are married, Be considerate for your partner, when both parties are working so hard, they may be genuinely tired and not in the mood. Men of course nearly always rise to the occassion, Women do not. A no means no, unless she changes her mind
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/women_abuse/110270

[G2005]

I'm posting this link simply for educational purposes, emotional rape happens more than one realises, and actually both men and women maybe guilty of it, due mostly to our difference in sexual wants and needs, and the lack of knowledge that most people have, on the psychological damage caused by ones persistant demands.

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/women_abuse/110270

I myself was raped by a women in her 30's many years ago, while i was actually pissed out of my head, and half asleep, It actually took place in the living room of my apartment.

I would never have known, that I had been raped, if it wasn't for a male friend that was staying the night and sleeping on the floor.

He told me the next day, that he kepts saying to the woman, to leave me alone, because i was so drunk. You may wonder why I could manage an erection, well I have never really had problems in that area, with drink, until only a year or two back.

Anyway the point I am making here is simply, that the next day, I was shocked and disappointed, because I knew Hanna was a junkie, I would never have ever consented to sexual intercourse, I didn't even like the woman enough to want sex with her.

So for the next year I was just hoping that the aids tests, would prove to be negative. I was aware that aids was spreading in the junkie area, and was quite emotionally worried for a good year, after the act.

It was even worse when I found out that Hanna was dead, several years later! I just couldn't relax until I found out how she died.

For those that are married, Be considerate for your partner, when both parties are working so hard, they may be genuinely tired and not in the mood. Men of course nearly always rise to the occassion, Women do not. A no means no, unless she changes her mind
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/women_abuse/110270

Thank you for your post BUT it is important to note the articles above are related to EMOTIONAL RAPE, not sexual or physical (though sex can be involved!) Emotional rape is about men or women who mislead partners, withhold information, have hidden agendas for the partnership, pretend to be in love with the person/s they are relating to and basically get a tremendous high from just lying! These people usually also suffer from Pathological lying and Narcisstic tendencies. People who do this are usually from abused homes and the victims are also usually those who were also abused and suffer from low self worth and esteem.

The other post about sex and love addicts gives a clear picture of how these two issues are connected.

[ksl]

Then you are obviously blind to the title on the link, my dear friend! But I do understand what you are getting at.

I really believe what is done is done, and if you have no support from other victims, then you are on a lost journey.

Isn't it better that, experience prevails, and that people have learnt their lessons, the hard way. Discuss and debate is one of the finest ways, to find closure.

[Bragger KSl]

There he goes again lke an idiot bragging about one of his bulshit experiences and making a mess of the whole thread. Hey you DUMBY do you understand that this thread is or was about emotional rape ........ so stop braying around this forum like an ass / DONKEY.

BTW you are one who is BLIND.........

[G2005]

Then you are obviously blind to the title on the link, my dear friend! But I do understand what you are getting at.

I really believe what is done is done, and if you have no support from other victims, then you are on a lost journey.

Isn't it better that, experience prevails, and that people have learnt their lessons, the hard way. Discuss and debate is one of the finest ways, to find closure.

Thank you for your post. Not sure what you are referring to. Nevertheless, I did see that link before you posted it and i didnt put it up because it is not relevant to the overall scheme of the topic. It can mislead people from the crux of the subject at hand.

[Lorelei]

It was quite eerie reading the post on Emotional Rape, in fact i think it is the same one a friend sent to me a few years ago. I had met a guy from USA on a dating site. We wrote intense emails, phone calls and then I found he was on countless dating sites. When I asked him about it, he said he had not met me yet so he did not feel obliged to take himself off the sites, yet he was writing to me the most endearing loving emails.

After three months he came down and met me and again we had ten very intense days together. He heads back to USA, i wait anxiously to find out if he has arrived no news.. and i look at the one of the sites he is on and he logs in at the time he is supposed to have gotten home and called me.. he logs in and starts cruising!! He doesnt call me nor does he email me till days later. When he was here, he talked about moving here or me going there, he talked about marriage and not wanting a long engagement. In a matter of two years we had a tempestous long distance relationship with me going there and discovering a whole list of women on his plates and none of them knew about the other.

Anyway, to cut a long story short the gist of it all is this.. there was a lot of talk, deep, soulful, seemingly meaningful, passionate but his actions just didnt match his words! I began to discover a whole range of skeletons in his closet one after another and everything he said to me, he said to other women.

I was devastated and a complete wreck and blamed myself for all of it. Then my friend sent me this article- and she told me i entered the relationship with love, truth and good intent,, HE on the other hand DIDN'T!

When i was there in USA one of his women found out i was in town and met me. She told me he was a sex addict and a narcissist (that other post on Sex Addiction was another eerie one and just SO deja vu-ish!).. I read up on those things and found out she was right - he had 100% likeness to those personalities. He confessed that he 'thought' he had a sex-love addiction but did not think it was serious!! (Once you reach a state of 'ADDICTION' to anything, it IS serious)

At the end of the day all the women in his city found out about him and they exposed him lock, stock and smoking barrel!! Everyone from his family, friends, colleagues, even politicians in his town because he worked for the government for a while. He didnt lose his job but he lost face and credibility. Now he is still alone, still struggling with the inability to commit, the need to sleep with many different partners. Its not that he cant have enough sex- all his partners have been very compatible and willing but he just cant be with one, he needs several to keep his ego boosted high!

One of his friends, a therapist ( he was not her patient cos he felt he didnt need therapy, though the whole world and his mother thought/knew he did!) said he was actually very insecure, about his height, his personality, his ability to relate to people, his looks. And because of his insecurity he turned up the charm and did whatever he could to draw women to him but always to keep them at a distance, never to fully commit.

Anyway, sorry for the long post but i just wanted to share that I could relate to the article on emotional rape. Also the article on sex and love addicts. They are REAL issues we face daily, issues we struggle with. Very few people will come out and admit it to anyone, let alone themselves!

In USA there are so many support groups but in Singapore there is hardly any. There are 12 steps groups i guess for alcoholics and drug addicts, and i think IMH has a program for sex addicts based on a recent newspaper article, but nothing for love addicts or women who are trying to get their feet back together, to raise their self esteem and worth.

I think self awareness is very important, its important to clear our own crap before we can go and point at the one in someone else's backyard.

[To G2005]

And what is the "crux of the subject at hand"

Looks like an ad more than anything else....and ksl is correct ...any rape is emotional.
If you wanted responses from other people maybe you should state the point of this thread.
Explaining what "Emotional rape" is ....is just that.... an explanation. I think most people realise what it is without your input

[G2005]

And what is the "crux of the subject at hand"

Looks like an ad more than anything else....and ksl is correct ...any rape is emotional.
If you wanted responses from other people maybe you should state the point of this thread.
Explaining what "Emotional rape" is ....is just that.... an explanation. I think most people realise what it is without your input

There are people here who put up newspaper articles and dont make any comments, perhaps they dont feel the need to nor do they want to actually bring up a discussion until it pushes a button in some other person who then put in his/her thoughts. I wasnt looking for responses but i responded to ksl because he mentioned being 'raped' sexually. As i mentioned earlier, any kind of rape has one's emotions involved too but the Emotional Rape article was about the act and how the victims feel.

I see that another poster has posted her thoughts on it, it should make for interesting reading and understanding.

[whatalark]

I realize that I am addressing an expatriate community mainly, but I would like your thoughts on something that is practised here in southeast Asia. I don't know what else to call it other than a "love spell".

The scenario would go like this: Harry likes Sally but Sally is not responding as devotedly as Harry would like. He consults a practitioner in the "magic arts" and a "something" is invoked and from then on, Sally has an awful time trying to get Harry out of her mind. She hates it because it actually involves mental pain and anyway, it is not the way she normally is when she likes someone. She is not obsessive by nature.

She begins wondering whether she is actually nuts over Harry, after all. Or is she just plain going nuts. Even if infatuation is involved, on her part, this is not the pattern of a normal infatuation for her. The whole thing is just nauseating to her. Literally. The thought of seeing Harry at their normal place of encounter leaves her feeling sick with anxiety and nausea.

So, what is this? Is there some form of spirit activity involved or is it some psychological disorder or one of those emotional rape mind games? Weird stuff for poor Sally.

[whatalark]

To clarify: we don't actually know that Harry has actually had a medium invoke supernatural involvement, but the suggestion has been made to Sally because the whole obsession thing smacks of weirdness and foreignness to Sally's personality.