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ARE YOU A SEX OR LOVE ADDICT?

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SLAA

ARE YOU A SEX OR LOVE ADDICT?

Postby SLAA » Fri, 08 Jul 2005 11:22 am

Yes [ ] No [ ] 1.) Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 2.) Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 3.) Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 4.) Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 5.) Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 6.) Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 7.) Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 8.) Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 9.) Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 10.) Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 11.) Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 12.) Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 13.) Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 14.) Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 15.) Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 16.) Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 17.) Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 18.) Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 19.) Do you feel entitled to sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 20.) Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 21.) Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 22.) Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 23.) Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 24.) Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 25.) Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 26.) Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 27.) Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 28.) Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 29.) Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 30.) Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 31.) Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 32.) Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 33.) Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 34.) Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 35.) Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 36.) Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 37.) Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 38.) Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 39.) Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs?
Yes [ ] No [ ] 40.) Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

Fay

Dont be afraid to face this problem.

Postby Fay » Fri, 08 Jul 2005 11:35 am

Unfortunately there is no such organisation for Love Addicts in Singapore, only for Sex Addicts. There are numerous people in this city suffering from Sex AND especially Love Addiction in ONE FORM OR ANOTHER. This info is courtesy of SLAA in USA. I am not an SLAA rep and apologise for using their initials in the first post for the username.





Suggestions for Newcomers
excerpted © 1985 S.L.A.A.

What is sex and love addiction?
We in .S.L.A.A.. believe that sex and love addiction is a progressive illness which cannot be cured but which, like many illnesses, can be arrested. It may take several forms - including (but not limited to) a compulsive need for sex, extreme dependency on one person (or many), and/or a chronic preoccupation with romance, intrigue or fantasy. An obsessive/compulsive pattern, either sexual or emotional (or both), exists in which relationships or sexual activities have become increasingly destructive to career, family and sense of self-respect. Sex and love addiction, if left unchecked, always gets worse.

However, if we follow a simple program which has proven successful for scores of other men and women with the same illness, we can recover. In S.L.A.A., we learn to accept the reality of having this addiction and surrender any notion that we can control it successfully on the basis of our unaided will. Admitting personal powerlessness over this affliction, we cease our addictive behavior and turn to guidance from a Power greater than ourselves, make restitution for harm done to others, and reconstruct our lives physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

What suggestions does S.L.A.A. give new members?
From S.L.A.A.'s experience, those who are recovering from sex and love addiction suggest that you:

A. Define your bottom line behavior.
B. Don't act out - just for today, this hour, this moment - no matter what! IT WILL PASS.
C. Ask for help on a daily basis.
- Set aside a time of prayer each morning and ask "Help me to stay away from ________ for today."
- Set aside a time of thanks each night and express gratitude for the help received by saying "Thank you."
D. Attend S.L.A.A. meetings regularly.
E. Join a group.
F. Get active in your group and in S.L.A.A.
G. Get a sponsor or talk to an S.L.A.A. person on a daily basis for your withdrawal period.

Fay

Start with small steps.

Postby Fay » Fri, 08 Jul 2005 11:40 am

Questions Beginners Ask
excerpted © 1985 S.L.A.A.

What is sobriety?
Sobriety is the return of choice, sanity, and personal dignity which comes from surrender to sex and love addiction, followed by involvement with S.L.A.A.'s Twelve Step Program of recovery. There are no absolutes for sobriety in S.L.A.A. as individual patterns of sex and love addiction vary. However, each SLAA identifies for him/herself major addictive behavior which is personally relevant, and becomes "sober" by abstaining from this behavior on a daily basis.

How can I tell if I am a Sex and Love Addict?
Only you can tell if you are physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually addicted to sex and/or love. Going to several meetings will tell you if you can identify with other sex and love addicts. Obtaining the pamphlet Sex and Love Addiction: 40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis will help you evaluate your sexual activities, romantic behavior, and emotional involvements.

What is acting out?
Acting out is becoming involved (or reinvolved) with addictive "bottom line" behavior. Addictive indulgence is hall marked by loss of control over rate, frequency, or duration of bottom line behavior. This loss of control always leads to negative self destructive consequences which, over time, continue to worsen.

Acting out patterns, and therefore "bottom line" behavior, can differ markedly among individual sex and love addicts. This acting out behavior can run the range from obvious promiscuity involving countless individuals, to solitary acts such as compulsive masturbation, voyeurism, and exhibitionism, to obsessive commitments to fantasy and romantic intrigue.

It may include hyper dependency problems involving one (or many) individuals. Some acting out patterns can involve all of the above, but more often a "bottom line" acting out scenario highlights one or two major areas.

Fay

Sponsor

Postby Fay » Sat, 09 Jul 2005 6:27 pm

Sponsorship -- A Return from Isolation
excerpted © 1990 S.L.A.A.

What is a sponsor?
A sponsor is a person who gives us individual support and guidance in applying the S.L.A.A. Twelve Step Program of recovery to our lives. A sponsor is neither a parent, a therapist, nor a confessor. Accordingly, a sponsor is a person with whom we have no ulterior motive, whom we do not pay, and from whom we seek neither absolution nor judgment. Our sponsor is, in fact,a fellow addict. As such, a sponsor does not counsel from a pretense of higher moral ground. Sponsors are not "perfect" people working "perfect" programs. Sponsors are human, too, with struggles and confusion, just as anyone else in the Fellowship. Indeed, seeing the imperfections in our sponsors helps relieve us of our own compulsion to be perfect.

The beginning of the sponsor/sponsee relationship
Recovery rarely is accomplished in isolation. When we incorporate the experience of others into our lives, we begin to experience a broader view of life and recovery. With our S.L.A.A. sponsor, we learn to become honest and open, asking for love, support, and guidance in our lives. Through the patience and understanding of our sponsor, our fears of condemnation and shame slowly fade. Gradually we become more able to be vulnerable and open with our sponsor. This increase in trust allows us to more fully benefit from anothers help. From the attention and acceptance we receive, we begin to fold that acceptance into our inner selves, which promotes our healing. With our sponsor, we begin to address recurring problems. Our sponsor helps guide us through the rough passages many of us experience as a result of letting go of our addiction. We explore options which had previously not occurred to us. A sponsor shares his or her own experience and feelings from having been in situations similar to ours, taking care not to give advice. By listening, a sponsor supports the sponsee without trying to "fix", and offers understanding without judgment.

How is a Sponsor Selected?
A sponsor ideally has solid abstinence from his/her addictive patterns and is willing to guide the sponsee through the Twelve Steps. We look for someone who has found sobriety, freedom, or joy through the Twelve Steps and who understands the process of S.L.A.A. recovery. Perhaps his/her qualities or character assets seem to complement our current phase of spiritual growth. A prospective sponsor's time in the Program, i.e., months or years, is only one of the criteria that can be used to select a sponsor. We attend a variety of meetings in order to identify certain individuals in the Fellowship whom we come to know and respect. Criteria that some of us have used to select a sponsor include:

Will this person be honest with me and point out my areas of denial?

Can I trust him/her with my secrets?

Am I comfortable with this person?

Does he/she listen attentively to me?

Can this person discuss his/her own experience rather than give advice?

Is he/she willing to work with my "bottom line" issues?

Does he/she also have a sponsor?

Does this person's level of spirituality complement mine?

How is this person working the Steps?

How much time can he/she give me on the phone? In person?

Do our schedules fit in well?

Ideally, the prospective sponsor has a sponsor of his/her own. As in much of the recovery process, identification with others is paramount. A sponsor who has been sponsored him/herself will be more likely to relate to us. We are reassured when the person we choose for guidance is seeking guidance as well.

A sponsor should be a person we are not in danger of acting out with, or are likely to find intrigue with. A potential sexual partner as sponsor would interfere with the primary purpose of the sponsor relationship, which is recovery through the program of S.L.A.A. Sometimes this means that the sponsor and sponsee should be of the same sex: sometimes of the opposite sex. Discretion, common sense, and our Higher Power can guide us in our selection process.

Once we have obtained a sponsor, we commit ourselves to maintaining regular contact with that person. The frequency of contact is determined jointly by the sponsor and sponsee - as we each become familiar with our individual needs and boundaries. Sometimes a person we ask to be our sponsor declines. Although disappointed, we need to remember that this is not a personal rejection. Rather, this person may simply be unavailable to us at this time for any number of reasons. Our Higher Power is taking an active role in forming this relationship, and requires only that we continue to pray for guidance, "do the footwork" and ask another.

MorningGlory
Member
Member
Posts: 29
Joined: Sun, 17 Jul 2005
Location: Planet Earth

wow!

Postby MorningGlory » Sun, 17 Jul 2005 2:52 pm

Its very interesting to see this subject posted here!! and suprising no one has picked it up but then maybe just as well as a serious subject like this could easily be watered down with lots of irrelevant discussions! Thank you for posting this.. I have a colleague who confided in me recently that he thinks he is a bit of both because i cant help but hear his conversations on the phone as he sits next to me and i smile and shake my head and he pulls me aside and says "i really think i have a problem" because the women are starting to find out about each other"!! what do i do?

Told him to fess up to all and get some therapy and he got mad at me!!
So i am going to send him the threads for these and the other ones i saw which seem relevant. I know this is a heavy topic and we all want to close our eyes and pretend we dont have problems but we DO, dont we all?
Yes, of course i do to.. im an obsessive compulsive cleaner!! There, ive said it!


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