A boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
A boy asked his father, Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine."
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife. "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather? " He says, "Pack them all, you're leaving!"
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go mad looking for the jewels."
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
As you grow older, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish ...
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Do you know what they call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? -- A widow.
Do you know why women fake orgasm? Because men fake foreplay.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After meeting you, I've changed my mind.
Just then there was a knock on the door. I knew it was the wife's mother because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking about?
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
Marriage is grand - but divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Mixed feelings is when you see your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have a wife and a girlfriend.
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
Research has shown that today's most common form of marriage proposal is: "You're WHAT!?"..
Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.
Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!
The man (proudly) says to his friend, "My wife's an angel!" The friend answers, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answer machine says it's in the microwave.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
The wife said, "How would you like to speak to Mummy?" - I said, "Through a spiritualist".'
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
There isn't a word for marriage - it's a sentence.
We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.
What's the difference between a wife and a condom? Nothing, they both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough on your dick.
What is the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks!
When a man opens the door of the car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When a newly married man looks happy everyone knows why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - everyone wonders why.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
Wife, proudly to her husband, "You know dear, I can still get into the same skirts I had before we got married." Husband, tersely, "I wish I still could!"
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep.
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