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Laugh it out gals..

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Alfalfa
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Location: Too close...

Laugh it out gals..

Postby Alfalfa » Fri, 24 Jun 2005 7:34 pm

Hello Everyone!!!
Something to (hopefully) make you laugh!

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By ____ing in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm Good.

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Strong Eagle
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Postby Strong Eagle » Fri, 24 Jun 2005 10:05 pm

A Few More...

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. What's the best way to kill a man?
A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They will either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
-- Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?
-- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
-- Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
-- A padded headboard.



And... Back At Ya!

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
-- 45 lbs.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
-- Sexual Harassment

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
-- $8.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
-- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
-- Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
-- Marriage

What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
-- after a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
-- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
-- A golden retriever.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
-- A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest breasts?
-- The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
-- When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
-- Two mothers-in-law.

THINGS A WIFE JUST WON'T SAY

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave all my crotch!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
21. Christ, not the freak mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...


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