Singapore Expats Forum

Broken hearted

Discuss about the latest news & interesting topics, real life experience or other out of topic discussions with locals & expatriates in Singapore.

Broken

Broken hearted

Postby Broken » Sun, 12 Jun 2005 3:29 am

Today I just found out the man I love so much has lied to me for the second time in three months and I don't know what to do.

Some months back, he was on a trip, acted somewhat suspiciously and I went to the airport on the day he was to arrive to ease my screaming intuition. There he was with his estranged spouse. He is almost 2 years into his divorce. He told me she'd surprised him during his trip coz they have relatives where he was conducting a business seminar at.

A few days back, he went on a business trip to Thailand and Vietnam and mucked up his departure time, which got my alarm bells ringing again - he's a very meticulous guy when it comes to business. He told me Vietnam conducts business 7 days a week? When he was in Thailand I noticed his meeting points seemed to come from places that sounded like shopping centres, with music in the background. I checked with the hotel he told me he was staying with his business consultant (whom I know) and both weren't registered there.

I would really appreciate some advise. I love this man dearly and chose to give him the benefit of the doubt the first time round. He said his estranged spouse went on the urgings of his own parents the first time round. This time, I believe something's just not right again. I've yet to be wrong when it comes to my intuition. I feel my heart shredding and I can't stop crying. What should I do?

User avatar
Bubbles
Reporter
Reporter
Posts: 797
Joined: Wed, 25 Aug 2004
Location: Wales, UK

Postby Bubbles » Sun, 12 Jun 2005 4:07 am

Dear Broken
I'm so sorry you're in such a state of sorrow. The point is, do you really wish to know what we think, or are you in fact asking for us to re-assure you everything's ok?
It's very difficult to speak honestly to someone in your situation as who knows what you'll do with our advice. I would hate to be the one to urge you onto binning this man.
However, if you want my absolutely honest opinion, I would say, 'Go with your gut instincts.'
You'll have to bring all of this back into the open again, as it's not fair that you don't question him about it. It COULD be just a co-incidence and then it's unfair on the guy if you rush in accusing him of cheating.
What would swing it for me though is the fact that he's not where he says he is, hotelwise.
I'm afraid to say my alarm bells would be ringing.
HOWEVER.....how serious are you two? Are you just dating now and again, or are you very serious, perhaps living together? If it's the latter, then I think you've got some serious questions to ask this man.
But in my experience, people are always ready to fool themselves for love, and make all sorts of excuses about where and what their other halfs do, when in most cases their first thought on the matter usually turns out to be the correct one.
So, in your heart, do YOU think this man is cheating on you? Only you know what you'll put up with.
The best of luck, and come on, chin up, we've all been there, shitty place that it is!!!
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Dylan Thomas.

Broken

Postby Broken » Sun, 12 Jun 2005 5:10 am

Bubbles wrote:Dear Broken
I'm so sorry you're in such a state of sorrow. The point is, do you really wish to know what we think, or are you in fact asking for us to re-assure you everything's ok?
It's very difficult to speak honestly to someone in your situation as who knows what you'll do with our advice. I would hate to be the one to urge you onto binning this man.
However, if you want my absolutely honest opinion, I would say, 'Go with your gut instincts.'
You'll have to bring all of this back into the open again, as it's not fair that you don't question him about it. It COULD be just a co-incidence and then it's unfair on the guy if you rush in accusing him of cheating.
What would swing it for me though is the fact that he's not where he says he is, hotelwise.
I'm afraid to say my alarm bells would be ringing.
HOWEVER.....how serious are you two? Are you just dating now and again, or are you very serious, perhaps living together? If it's the latter, then I think you've got some serious questions to ask this man.
But in my experience, people are always ready to fool themselves for love, and make all sorts of excuses about where and what their other halfs do, when in most cases their first thought on the matter usually turns out to be the correct one.
So, in your heart, do YOU think this man is cheating on you? Only you know what you'll put up with.
The best of luck, and come on, chin up, we've all been there, shitty place that it is!!!


Hi Bubbles,

Thanks so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. I really do want to know what you think.

I'm pretty level headed in my relationships and one thing I can't stand for is lying and cheating because I am very loyal to the men I love - not many in my life. My instincts have never let me down so far. I'm so torn now because I do feel he loves me. It's just that his family is a traditional one, they're very important to him and they don't approve of a divorce. The other situation was just afew months back, which is why I'm afraid to trust myself now. I'm still somewhat out of whack, still trying so hard to come to terms with what I saw at the airport that day and I can make very impetuous split decisions.

We aren't living together now although there is talk of marriage once the divorce comes through. Part of the complication is, his estranged wife is still living in the same matrimonial property as he is - it's some Singapore law and lawyers advise their clients not to move out so they get their fair share when it comes to division of assets.

I see what you're getting at. Perhaps I should just answer his call in the morning and double check if he's staying at the hotel that I called? If it's the right one and he's not registered there at all, messed up as I am, there's no reason why I should let this other lie slip by. What justification can there be for yet another blatant lie?

The men here love to say "there's still lots of fish in the sea". Even if I let the matter rest a second time, how am I going to be able to trust him when we get married? I've always believed that a relationship has to be based on mutual trust and respect. I am right, aren't I?

I so hate men now ...

kansah
Regular
Regular
Posts: 140
Joined: Fri, 15 Apr 2005
Contact:

Postby kansah » Sun, 12 Jun 2005 6:55 am

Dear Broken,
I'm really sorry at what you are going through, right now.
The decision is all up to you and how much you trust his word. If you have faith in your gut instinct so much, then listen to it. Heed what it's telling you.
I suggest that you get hard evidence of your suspicion. Then you confront him. Give him the chance to explain.
Be prepared to his side. Ask him outright what is going on. And tell him your suspicions or proof. He may have a valid explanation, like they may have gone to the business trip together but it could be to settle their divorce or something. I'm sure you can tell whether he is telling the truth or not.
Whatever happens, deal with the situation. The decision is all up to you.
I hope eveything works out for you. And please, please don't generalise. I realise you are hurting, but you can't allow yourself to be trapped into getting angry towards the male population. You will end up hurting yourself more.
Think of the solution; not the problem.

User avatar
queenie-me
Reporter
Reporter
Posts: 649
Joined: Wed, 04 May 2005
Location: Singapore

Re: Broken hearted

Postby queenie-me » Sun, 12 Jun 2005 5:07 pm

Same problem here babe. It's okie ya know. I love him so.. much too. I caught him in the act at the airport with his ex-girlfriend. I smack her down. Screaming at him. Throw the water at him and walk away. The next thing I know, he said sorry and will never do it again. You know sometimes, giving your loves ones a lesson always works

Broken

Postby Broken » Mon, 13 Jun 2005 2:23 am

kansah wrote:Dear Broken,
I'm really sorry at what you are going through, right now.
The decision is all up to you and how much you trust his word. If you have faith in your gut instinct so much, then listen to it. Heed what it's telling you.
I suggest that you get hard evidence of your suspicion. Then you confront him. Give him the chance to explain.
Be prepared to his side. Ask him outright what is going on. And tell him your suspicions or proof. He may have a valid explanation, like they may have gone to the business trip together but it could be to settle their divorce or something. I'm sure you can tell whether he is telling the truth or not.
Whatever happens, deal with the situation. The decision is all up to you.
I hope eveything works out for you. And please, please don't generalise. I realise you are hurting, but you can't allow yourself to be trapped into getting angry towards the male population. You will end up hurting yourself more.


Hi kansah,

Thanks so much for your advice. I got the hotel right ... he said he couldn't figure why the front desk said they didn't have both names registered. It looks like I'm going to have to take a look at the hotel bill he's offered to show me this time instead of taking his word for it, like I usually do.

I'm still feeling somewhat scattered over the first incident and I'm glad I chose to seek advice. I appreciate yours and Bubbles' level headed approach to my problem. I guess I have to leave things the way they are till he gets back so we can sort the entire issue out face to face.

Thanks again ...

Broken

Re: Broken hearted

Postby Broken » Mon, 13 Jun 2005 2:53 am

queenie-me wrote:Same problem here babe. It's okie ya know. I love him so.. much too. I caught him in the act at the airport with his ex-girlfriend. I smack her down. Screaming at him. Throw the water at him and walk away. The next thing I know, he said sorry and will never do it again. You know sometimes, giving your loves ones a lesson always works


Hi queenie-me,

I'm sorry you had to go through what I did too. I was in a pretty bad state when I discovered he'd actually lied to me and to this day I'm surprised I managed to drive home in one piece.

I didn't confront him that day, I forced myself to watch them standing there together while they waited for their transport to arrive coz I wanted to see the way they behaved with each other. I chose to accept his explanation bec of what I saw but it's still difficult days for me. I guess it'll take alittle longer for me to heal completely. But I need to be realistic as well - if too much time's passed and I still can't mend, I guess I'll have no alternative but to let go.

Guest

Postby Guest » Wed, 06 Jul 2005 12:40 am

Hi Broken, I hope you are living life in happiness and as you might have heard over a million time but really life is too short to be crying, anger n etc. You can choose to be happy and find someone who is much more worthy for you to love. Give yourself a chance to be happy without having to have anger in your life. I kind of understand what you are going through, my words may not knock any sense yet but in the near future you will see how much better your life would improve without him.

Broken

Postby Broken » Sat, 09 Jul 2005 2:14 am

Anonymous wrote:Hi Broken, I hope you are living life in happiness and as you might have heard over a million time but really life is too short to be crying, anger n etc. You can choose to be happy and find someone who is much more worthy for you to love. Give yourself a chance to be happy without having to have anger in your life. I kind of understand what you are going through, my words may not knock any sense yet but in the near future you will see how much better your life would improve without him.


Hi ... thank you for your encouragement. I'm still somewhat messed up. The man just doesn't keep to his word and I am at a point where I think I have to give up to preserve my sanity. On the one hand he's all 'enthusiastic' about showing me the hotel receipt and the next, he's all quiet about it. He says he bogged down by work .. but that's been the same reason he's given me all these years. I can believe that, but up to a point when a man uses this all the time it starts to become a convenient excuse. Perhaps I just don't matter as much as he constantly tells me.

To add to this, my sis is getting a divorce and she's managed to mess up family relations and my aged pet has come up with more health complications. This man that I love, my parents and my pet are most important in my life. I haven't been able to sleep properly, I'm snappish at times, I find myself crying for no reason and I'm trying so hard to keep this from everyone. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. My little dog is so tuned to me he's noticed and keeps close to me. He's usually sound asleep at this hour.

But I think it's just a phase, right, and I'll probably get over this in a little bit. I really appreciate everyone's help and advise. Thank you so much.

Bubbs

Postby Bubbs » Sat, 09 Jul 2005 2:26 am

Ah Broken, here's a virtual hug from me.....(((((((HUG))))))).....what can I say, the world is shit sometimes. You just gotta take it girl, but believe me.....will you believe me when I say this...please do....YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN ONE DAY.

But unfortunately you are going to have to be hard with yourself first. Tell the truth....

1..Is this man making you happy?....
2. Do you feel this guy is pi.....ng you around?
3. Do you WANT to be happy?

Now then lady....you KNOW the answers to these questions and the solution is simple....but bloody hard too...

Bin this man.....he's cracking you up....for whatever reason.

Your sister's divorce IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM....sad, yes, but for goodness sake....don't take it on your shoulders, she's a big girl...let her be responsible.

Your pet...see a vet, if the news is bad, then make the most of him...that's all you can do.

Come on now, smile.
The world is full of bastards, and you don't deserve one.
We've ALL BEEN THERE.
Take care, Bubbs.

User avatar
elizabeth
Chatter
Chatter
Posts: 250
Joined: Fri, 29 Apr 2005

Postby elizabeth » Sat, 09 Jul 2005 10:34 am

dear broken, so sad to learn what you went through.. But seem like pple who met or have a relationship with MBA had to go thoght all these sh*t with him. They are always full of lies and they will always claim that how much they love you and they cant live without you. I got a gal fren whom fall in love with a MBA and for 7 years that man is enjoying his life with 2 women.

Broken, time is the best medicine to heal. Your life and happiness is in your hand. Dun let another person to control you. I know is sound simply but it is not easy.. But you have to make it happened..

User avatar
ksl
Governor
Governor
Posts: 6005
Joined: Mon, 19 Jul 2004
Location: Singapore
Contact:

Re: Broken hearted

Postby ksl » Sat, 09 Jul 2005 10:57 am

Broken wrote:Today I just found out the man I love so much has lied to me for the second time in three months and I don't know what to do.

Some months back, he was on a trip, acted somewhat suspiciously and I went to the airport on the day he was to arrive to ease my screaming intuition. There he was with his estranged spouse. He is almost 2 years into his divorce. He told me she'd surprised him during his trip because they have relatives where he was conducting a business seminar at.

A few days back, he went on a business trip to Thailand and Vietnam and mucked up his departure time, which got my alarm bells ringing again - he's a very meticulous guy when it comes to business. He told me Vietnam conducts business 7 days a week? When he was in Thailand I noticed his meeting points seemed to come from places that sounded like shopping centres, with music in the background. I checked with the hotel he told me he was staying with his business consultant (whom I know) and both weren't registered there.

I would really appreciate some advise. I love this man dearly and chose to give him the benefit of the doubt the first time round. He said his estranged spouse went on the urgings of his own parents the first time round. This time, I believe something's just not right again. I've yet to be wrong when it comes to my intuition. I feel my heart shredding and I can't stop crying. What should I do?


The best thing for you to do, is to go away on holiday and forget about it, easier said than done, but it's your own brain power making the problem.
To be honest it is best not knowing.

There are not many people in this world you can trust, so the thing to conscentrate on is your emotions, get in control, why are you so worried there are plenty of fish in the sea, the chances are that he is unfaithful to you, but he still comes back to you, what more do you want!

I mean I have been through it, with several women, always cheating in the end you give up, and yet you don't class everyone the same, people do deserve a chance, but they do not deserve to be spied on. if it happens it happens, then you know it will happen again.

If your the type that likes pain and suffering, you will of course continue the relationship.
Myself they only get one chance, then they are out, "f--- O--, i don't need this shit in my life"! end of story. but there again, the past experiences have made me much more emotionally hard, on the outside.

But i will admit, that your problem is no different to anyone elses," IT IS YOUR BRAIN THAT YOU CANNOT TURN OFF speculating is he cheating or is he not. Go to the doctors and get tranqualised, if you cannot deal with it get out of it, and stay out of relationships until, you can handle it.

It's very sad, but very true!

Guest

Postby Guest » Sat, 09 Jul 2005 12:17 pm

Is he really worth all the heartache? is he really worth all the worrying and paranoia he is causing?

Perhaps take a break for a while until he is totally clean from his past relationship.

Rosie

Postby Rosie » Sat, 09 Jul 2005 6:42 pm

elizabeth wrote:dear broken, so sad to learn what you went through.. But seem like pple who met or have a relationship with MBA had to go thoght all these sh*t with him. They are always full of lies and they will always claim that how much they love you and they cant live without you. I got a girl fren whom fall in love with a MBA and for 7 years that man is enjoying his life with 2 women.

Broken, time is the best medicine to heal. Your life and happiness is in your hand. Dun let another person to control you. I know is sound simply but it is not easy.. But you have to make it happened..


yes lot of men like that in this city. 2,3 5 , maybe even 10 women and we know of one from THIS site who practice that behaviour actively - and still living happily ever after with wife plus many girlfriends who got no idea cos this person make sure his dates are in different different place- But we women should get together and do something about men like this- why we dont do this?

User avatar
ksl
Governor
Governor
Posts: 6005
Joined: Mon, 19 Jul 2004
Location: Singapore
Contact:

Postby ksl » Mon, 11 Jul 2005 12:21 am

Rosie wrote:
elizabeth wrote:dear broken, so sad to learn what you went through.. But seem like pple who met or have a relationship with MBA had to go thoght all these sh*t with him. They are always full of lies and they will always claim that how much they love you and they cant live without you. I got a girl fren whom fall in love with a MBA and for 7 years that man is enjoying his life with 2 women.

Broken, time is the best medicine to heal. Your life and happiness is in your hand. Dun let another person to control you. I know is sound simply but it is not easy.. But you have to make it happened..


yes lot of men like that in this city. 2,3 5 , maybe even 10 women and we know of one from THIS site who practice that behaviour actively - and still living happily ever after with wife plus many girlfriends who got no idea because this person make sure his dates are in different different place- But we women should get together and do something about men like this- why we dont do this?
well who is he then! The suspicion is killing me! No one going to PM


  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to “General Discussions”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests