Singapore Expats Forum

jokes!!

Chats, Flames, Jokes, Junks. Don't know where to post ? You've just found the right place.
User avatar
chocoswiss
Regular
Regular
Posts: 54
Joined: Sun, 10 Apr 2005
Location: katong

jokes!!

Postby chocoswiss » Mon, 30 May 2005 2:43 pm

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
~ If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen~

~nazron se dekh liya hota agar tamana thi aazmane ki..... hum to behosh yoon hi hojate, kya zaroorat thi muskurane ki.............~

User avatar
chocoswiss
Regular
Regular
Posts: 54
Joined: Sun, 10 Apr 2005
Location: katong

Postby chocoswiss » Mon, 30 May 2005 2:45 pm

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was
cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A
bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns
asked. "Well, of course, I threw them in the trash." The second
nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away
the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other
nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!"
she replied. The third nun fainted....
~ If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen~



~nazron se dekh liya hota agar tamana thi aazmane ki..... hum to behosh yoon hi hojate, kya zaroorat thi muskurane ki.............~

User avatar
chocoswiss
Regular
Regular
Posts: 54
Joined: Sun, 10 Apr 2005
Location: katong

Postby chocoswiss » Mon, 30 May 2005 2:46 pm

A local radio station was running a competition-words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ "96fm here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Tweaky."
DJ: "Tweaky, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan...spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an."

DJ: "...You are correct, Tweaky, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all un-successful until:

DJ: "96fm, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Doughnut."
DJ: "Doughnut, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "...Your are correct, Doughnut, 'smee' is not in the dictionary.

Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"
~ If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen~



~nazron se dekh liya hota agar tamana thi aazmane ki..... hum to behosh yoon hi hojate, kya zaroorat thi muskurane ki.............~

stefania
Chatter
Chatter
Posts: 285
Joined: Mon, 09 May 2005
Location: Perth, WA

Postby stefania » Mon, 30 May 2005 3:31 pm

Silly as hell! :D :D :D :D :D

Raven
Member
Member
Posts: 36
Joined: Fri, 15 Apr 2005

NIce ones

Postby Raven » Mon, 30 May 2005 6:49 pm

I liked the nun and the competition of words.
:lol: :oops: :twisted: :D

User avatar
Strong Eagle
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 10413
Joined: Sat, 10 Jul 2004
Location: Off The Red Dot
Contact:

Postby Strong Eagle » Mon, 30 May 2005 7:44 pm

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.


Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

User avatar
Global Citizen
Reporter
Reporter
Posts: 675
Joined: Mon, 07 Mar 2005
Location: Still looking for Paradise

Postby Global Citizen » Tue, 31 May 2005 7:56 am

She wore her shorts so high, she left two more cheeks to be powdered.

Soviet men wear fur lined underwear to ensure they have ball to ball carpeting.

User avatar
k1w1
Reporter
Reporter
Posts: 680
Joined: Mon, 30 May 2005

Postby k1w1 » Tue, 31 May 2005 1:56 pm

There was meeting of all the nuns in the nunnery one morning, and when the Mother Superior addressed the 100 nuns that had gathered, she announced that there had been a shocking discovery in one of the storerooms.

"we have found a condom on the floor of the storeroom". 99 nuns gasped and 1 giggled.

"The condom had been used". 99 nuns gasped and 1 giggled.

"The condom had a hole in it". 99 nuns giggled, and 1 gasped...

User avatar
chocoswiss
Regular
Regular
Posts: 54
Joined: Sun, 10 Apr 2005
Location: katong

Postby chocoswiss » Wed, 01 Jun 2005 11:59 am

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on
a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the
Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The
Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy
and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you
don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a
question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to
this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The
Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet,
pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes
out his laptop computer and searches all of his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net
and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to
his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to
get back to sleep.

The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer
and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5,
and turns away to get back to sleep
~ If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen~



~nazron se dekh liya hota agar tamana thi aazmane ki..... hum to behosh yoon hi hojate, kya zaroorat thi muskurane ki.............~

User avatar
chocoswiss
Regular
Regular
Posts: 54
Joined: Sun, 10 Apr 2005
Location: katong

Postby chocoswiss » Thu, 02 Jun 2005 9:38 am

A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on
the importance of observing details.

To emphasize his point,Sir Osler announced: "This bottle contains a sample
for analysis. It's often possible by tasting it to determine the disease
from which the patient suffers."

He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He
continued speaking: "Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case."

The bottle made it's way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.

Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying:
"Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details.
Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!"
~ If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen~



~nazron se dekh liya hota agar tamana thi aazmane ki..... hum to behosh yoon hi hojate, kya zaroorat thi muskurane ki.............~

User avatar
ywnmmsb
Member
Member
Posts: 46
Joined: Mon, 09 May 2005
Contact:

Postby ywnmmsb » Thu, 02 Jun 2005 3:06 pm

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local pharmacy. He goes up to the clerk and says, "Last night me freak squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and tell him how they work for him.

The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says, "Last night me freak squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"

The clerk thinks to himself, "Damn, this guy must have some kind of super ejaculation going on." So he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, "This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances."

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.

The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking, "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's really pissed."

The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, "Last night me freak squaw!! Left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph, condom go 'oomph, left nut go 'BOOM'!"
Tell your girlfriend i said thanks

User avatar
Global Citizen
Reporter
Reporter
Posts: 675
Joined: Mon, 07 Mar 2005
Location: Still looking for Paradise

Postby Global Citizen » Fri, 03 Jun 2005 8:19 pm

The difference between "guts" and "balls":

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the
guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the
balls to say: "You're next."

User avatar
chocoswiss
Regular
Regular
Posts: 54
Joined: Sun, 10 Apr 2005
Location: katong

Postby chocoswiss » Tue, 07 Jun 2005 4:14 pm

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Teacher fainted.
~ If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen~



~nazron se dekh liya hota agar tamana thi aazmane ki..... hum to behosh yoon hi hojate, kya zaroorat thi muskurane ki.............~

PerfumeStore
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 8
Joined: Sat, 01 Aug 2009
Location: Singapore
Contact:

Postby PerfumeStore » Tue, 12 Jan 2010 4:07 pm

great manies chocoswiss. lol..

User avatar
Strong Eagle
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 10413
Joined: Sat, 10 Jul 2004
Location: Off The Red Dot
Contact:

Postby Strong Eagle » Wed, 13 Jan 2010 1:39 am

PerfumeStore wrote:great manies chocoswiss. lol..


TIC TOC TIC TOC - You have been dredging up old posts all over the place. If I see so much as one line of advertising in your posts, anything at all, your posts will be deleted and your account locked.

Moderator


  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to “Leisure Chat, Jokes, Rubbish”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests