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Adopting a child

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Adopting a child

Postby Kimi » Fri, 27 May 2005 8:42 pm

What do you reckon of adopting a child? Or having a child thru insemination? Basically to be a single parent I suppose...
I have a friend who is in her late 30s and she would like to have a child of her own before her menopause it seems.

The below is not a very serious read but pretty interesting even though might be depressing for the singles...
Eggsistential Crisis

A panic attack, common among women in their late thirties, which is triggered by the realisation that your desire to have children and your desire not to settle might be mutually exclusive.

You get what you get. That's what a married friend told me recently, because that's what a married friend told her years ago when she was still single and rattling off her checklist of the things she wanted in a man. At the time, it struck her as a depressing statement, a thinly veiled endorsement of lowering your standards, but now that she's married, she says, it's true. You get what you get.

She told me this, I think, because I was musing that although I am very happy in my current relationship, I'm not sure it's 'enough'. I'm not sure he makes me the best version of me. (Incidentally, in my continuing quest to figure out the formula for the "right" relationship, the question 'Does he make me the best version of me?' has replaced the checklist as my most useful dating tool. I feel good about that, although I wonder if the next step is replacing the 'best version of me' question with the question 'Does the sperm donor have a history of drugs?') My point is - I no longer have time for these thoughts. At 37, I am acutely aware that my friends and family are gently but effectively telling me I need to shut up and marry my boyfriend or breakup and find somebody else quick.

That's the essence of dating in your 30s. There is no time to ruminate. Every move could mean the difference between becoming part of a traditional family and becoming a woman who wears caftans, travels to exotic places alone and brings back elephant tusks for her nephews.

Dating in your 30s means constantly debating whether you're picky in a good way or picky in a bad way, and whether being selfish is an accomplishment or a detriment. This is why I find myself longing for my 20s, a time when you could simply be in a relationship. We didn't worry about whether love would last forever. We worried about fruit as a source of carbs. It seemed like we had all the time in the world. I even recall thinking dating was "fun". We knew love would happen eventually. We just didn't know how many dates and diets and disasters "eventually" could entail.

I would like to state, for the record, that I still believe there's a great love out there for each and every one of us. I feel completely confident that none of my amazing single friends will end up alone, and they feel confident I won't either. None of us, however, feel confident that our knights in shining armor understand the friggin' time pressure we're under.

In an effort to ease this pressure, I have, at various points in my life, tried to make peae with the concept of adopting, freezing my eggs, or having a baby with a gay or platonic friend. On a bad day these seem like various forms of waving the white flag; on a good day they seem like empowering solutions, ways of taking matters into my own hands, controlling the things I can and ensuring I will get everything I want - just not in the traditional order.

I have a friend who recently adopted a child as a single mother because she got tired of waiting for all the pieces to fall into place. Now she has a beautiful little daugher from China AND she's dating more than ever. We've talked about why this might be - why she is suddenly so popular with the opposite sex (especially since her fear was that telling a man she had a shild would be like telling him she had herpes), and we came up with 2 theories:

1. She was always a very successful, independent and self-sufficient woman, so maybe before men saw her as intimidating, and now they see a single mother and fatherless child and they understand how they fit into her life.

2. It might be simpler than that. It might just be that she's happy. She doesn't have the pressure of a biological clock anymore, and men probably sense that, so they can relax, and she can date like she's in her 20s again.

Although my friend is an inspiring reminder that sometimes the revised fairy tale is even better than the original, I'm not sure what the solution will be for me. I do know that I don't want to settle just to win this race against my viable eggs, but I also don't want to be unrealistic and wait indefinitely for perfection if it's true that in love and STDs, you get what you get.


Postby pregnant? » Fri, 27 May 2005 10:07 pm

Sex is better than artificial inseminations any day, kimi :D Tell your friend to find someone to have 'it' off with and then announce to the world about her pregnancy :D

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Postby minhwa » Sat, 28 May 2005 2:35 am

i really, really dont mean to be flippant. but, when i adopted my cats (2+2+1), it gave me an insight into parenthood. it really is much better if my kids (cats) have a dad and a mum. this daddy is sometimes busy (or very busy).

my cats test my patience with broken vases, greatly reduced my squemishness with pee and poo, trained my nose for stinking overnight urine, reduced my selfishness by feeding them first before myself, reduced my materialism by watching them tear up my bags and speaker cloth covers.

most of all, they brought love, so much cuddly love. when i hug them, everything seems worthwhile.

my first 2 years of cathood almost drove me crazy, its only the 4th year that things began to harmonize, and now, i am very happy.

i guess, my drift is i will imagine parenthood is ten times more intense than cathood. parenthood is not a cure for insecurity and loneliness. parenthood is like getting yourself another job, if not 2. it will not patch up your emotional void.

i'm getting too sleepy to make this anymore lucid than i had intended .. nite ..

good movie

Postby good movie » Sat, 28 May 2005 6:08 am


The Joy Luck Club is a movie based on the best selling novel by Amy Tan of the same name.

It is one of the best movies I have ever seen in my life. It combines the stories of mothers and daughters to tell one sincere story of friendship. It is one of the finest pieces of acting collaborations among an ensemble cast. It also combines foreign film with American film in a way giving it a new style.

This movie is almost ten years old. For me it never gets old and the stories are also fresh. I like the set up of the movie or the sequence rather, better than the book. It seemed to make more sense. It also has the movie and book on the same level of unique style and everlasting stories to go along with it.

Many of the performances were powerful. Even those who only spoke the Chinese language in the film should have gotten awards for performances that made me laugh and cry.

I would recommend this film to anyone who wants to see an honestly good film without the Hollywood hype. Rent it, you won't regret it.


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Postby Kimi » Sat, 28 May 2005 7:06 am

If my memory serves me correctly, it has nothing to do with child adoption...
You would want to move that thread to the movie review thread. I started one even though somebody else probably already did before as well :P

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