the “not whiskey” about malaysia

[Lisafuller]

i’m going to seek the wisdom of those wiser than me before i reply the earlier messages.

i’m somewhat at a cross road.

my child’s mom wanted a divorce but then changed her mind, somewhat. i wanted a divorce weeks after she brought it up.

actually i want a divorce -yesterday-

but she has strong armed me into agreeing to stay married by using the child. threats of not seeing my child, etc.

she is demanding that we stay married but i live in a separate apartment when i’m not looking after the child.

at the moment i’m doing the job of a full time stay at home dad / house help.

the only things i don’t do are washing up the bathroom (she doesn’t like the lack of control over how the bleach is used) and laundry (i’m unable to fold the clothes up to her standards and i don’t seem to sort out the clothes to her liking).

i’m currently continuing what i’ve been doing the past year - i wake at around 7.30am and sleep at around 2am. i don’t get time off our days off or acting.

she expects that any free time i have i should be cleaning or packing up the house or washing some thing.

she spends time at her work or is pumping breast milk. she also brings him out to play in the early evening and naps/sleeps with him.

everything else is done by me.

she would like me to move out once our child’s weaned (he’s having some issues with food and rejects pretty much everything no matter the taste or texture) and ready to go to pre school.

she often brings up how much she dislikes living with me and that she often wants to stab and kill me while i sleep.

she forced my to verbally agree to giving her full custody of the child when we get divorced. i had much earlier suggested no custody order be made, with care and control her and visitation for me.

this was outright rejected.

she accuses me of s.xually assaulting her in the past. news to me, made me really confused and sad as to when that happened.

she finds me threatening when i am walking or standing behind her, and there are many other things i can’t do or i’ll get a talking to.

any accidental touches of brushing of her skin in the course of raising a little toddler jointly is followed by strong rebukes and threats from her. i now keep a wide berth. i literally cannot even look in her direction without it being misconstrued as something she finds threatening.

i’m really tired. i’m tired of her bringing all these strange shite up and things in the past which didn’t happen the way she said it did (like things we’ve both previously jointly discussed before doing, etc) and pulling the blame of everything on me.

i’m also literally just tired from doing all these things day in and out. she has not agreed to hiring a helper of any sort.

recently i wanted to go back to singapore to visit a cardiologist and inspect the car at vicom and run some other errands, and i was given just 4 hours in singapore.

i usually choose to drive to singapore at night because i can make it back to my apartment from singapore in about 2.5 hours.

(flying takes 4-5 hours depending if it’s klia or subang airport and i hate airport security).

in the end she hassled me into just running her errands. i wanted to see a cardio because since i got covid, something’s wrong with my cardiovascular and/or respiratory system.

even my apple watch tells me so. the app graph coincides with when i got struck with covid.

and i didn’t end up doing anything except inspecting the car and running her errands. i got a call from her berating me about taking too long in singapore and there’s alot she has to do on her own.

separately, what’s worse, i don’t think i’m bonding with my child anymore. if anything, the child seems to know that i know i’ll be not with him eventually and even though i’m with him throughout the most of the day, we seem to be growing distant.

so the child’s mother wants me to continue looking after our child throughout. when he’s at school i’ll have my free time.

she wants to send him to pre school when he’s 3 (which i hope he’ll be eating / not rejecting food by then) and i’ll take him to/fro alice smith school about 45 minutes away from where we live.

if we divorce, she’s again emotionally blackmailed me into verbally agreeing to give her half of everything i have - now AND in future. as well as a fully paid brand new accommodation in singapore.

so my choices are;

do as she says. until the child is 18 or 21 or whatever. or however long it is i/she/we can endure.

i’ll continue to be the helper, driver, nanny and soob i think the chef.

i’m not sure if emotionally and physically and mentally i can take what she’s dishing out.

or, i strong arm my way into a divorce but likely don’t get to see the child often. i’m not sure i want to live in KL because i think i’d like to find some work/purpose to fill my time/mind.

i actually want to go back to the US. she hates it there. i don’t. but it’ll be too far.

right now, i actually would like some time away from her.

but i don’t feel easy about doing that because i don’t want to walk out, and i know for a fact she can’t cope without my help and i don’t think she’s going to be able to parent properly.

as it is, we’re both not parenting properly. we’re just winging it on our own with no kin or aid in KL. i think my child’s feeding problem partly stems from us not knowing what to do.

but getting divorced, statistically, seems to F-up children a lot. i’d hate for that to happen in this case.

so my question is, what should i do? rather, what is the right thing to do? i’m open to hearing suggestions or experiences.

edit: the child’s mom is sick. i know she has post partum mental issues.

i’m not in a good state right now myself, either. so right now her welfare is not an immediate concern of mine.

but i want to do right by my child… and by me.

Man, I really feel for you and can only imagine what you are going through.

Your wife has turned on you and appears to only want you for the free help you can provide and nothing else. The way she acts toward you goes beyond just falling out of love, she seems to utterly despise you. Believe it or not, that could mean she still has feelings for you — but she convinced herself that you don’t love her, and she won’t let you get close because of the pain it causes her. Even if you were to convince her otherwise, she may be so protective of her own feelings that it won’t make a difference.

Does she happen to be a religious person? That could be an angle… because most religions consider marriage sacred and something you are duty bound to try and make work, no matter how difficult. I think someone else mentioned counseling. Like you said, it’s not just about her and you, the welfare of your child is at stake, and if she has mental issues, that is an important consideration.

I would like to believe that any couple who loved each other enough to get married always have a chance. I think the idea couples have that the escape hatch of divorce is always an option is one of the main reasons people approach their marriage in the way they do and it can become self-perpetuating. I have always thought of the relationship with my spouse the same way as any other immediate relative - it’s permanent, whether I like it or not. I’ve been with my SO for over 3 decades… well over half of our lives. It’s not always a walk in the park, but one thing I don’t accept is ever mentioning the D word, no matter how heated or upset. That’s just not an option… for me.

Agreed, this was the rule for me and my hubby when we got married some 25 years ago. We believe that any problems can be worked out, there's a reason we got married in the first place. Of course, I understand this doesn't work for everybody.

[Lisafuller]

Taxico - divorce is awful. Do anything to get around it. Be patient, kind and supportive. It doesn't matter whether you meet her standards or not because they'll never be good enough so just live with the recriminations and go for a walk when she loses it. She sounds like she may be a little NPD or BPD but I assume she won't go for an assessment.

I can't help but feel bad for her, it's very likely postpartum depression that has ballooned into a slew of other issues. Mental disorders can be very dangerous if left unaddressed.

[PNGMK]

How are you doing Taxico? The off forum group is having drinks on Friday if you want to join (Tiktok is NOT invited).

[tiktok]

I think I'll turn up anyway

[sundaymorningstaple]

That would be the only straw I need.

[taxico]

hello...

i have not read the posts in this thread since my last post. (i will at some point and will reply too...)

so i guess it's time for an update. we have left malaysia at the end of april (early may for me) after a year+ of living in KL/PJ...

her business in KL is working out and she has been able to run it remotely with a number of full time malaysian employees. mother and child are currently living together. we are not legally separated nor have we commenced any divorce proceedings. things are still very difficult.

i drove the two of them to the airport with 85kg of luggage and they both left on an airplane.

the entire 2,200 sqft apartment with everything she did not want was left behind for me to figure out.

i have spoken to her parents. they seem to be on my side and are very sympathetic to the plight of everyone involved (including themselves) but especially for their grandchild.

i honestly do not know what to do. there're a lot of things pending which i am unable to rationally discuss with her. i keep a small apartment in SG which i do not own - it's a bachelor pad/SOHO/man cave. i think i will be giving up at the end of the year and will move out of SG once i have emptied it out. there's a lot to unpack/throw out as i've stored many many many things there for the past 15 years...

my child's mom would prefer i have nothing to do with them (except for continued use of my credit card). based on the interaction i've had with her and her family members in the past few weeks, i still do not know how best to proceed.

i miss my child a lot. A LOT. i'm considering legal action, but i also worry about the repercussions (there has been plenty of "i'll jump with the child" threats, and i've been successfully knifed at least once).

i might live in japan or the US if there's a need for me to become gainfully employed, or i might find somewhere else in malaysia if i were to continue my previous life of just living.

i think i'll do a solo self-drive road trip from sg to thailand in the next few days and see if i can figure a way out of this.

my dad said emphatically: if you have to move on, you move on... do what needs to be done and live your best life. this is no big deal as you can have a child whenever you want.

there's truth and wisdom and realism to his words, but...

[taxico]

aberfeldy and balvenie has been my faithful companions for many months, until quite recently when i stopped drinking.

i had about a full glass of each left in their respective bottles so i poured them into 2 separate ikea glass containers and brought them back to SG.

a few days later, the one with balvenie fell onto the floor from my shelf in such a way that the glass cracked and it all spilled. i was devastated. i had no good reason for bringing them back: i hadn't planned on drinking them, but i felt i couldn't abandon them either as they bore witness to the goings-on during a very difficult time of my life.

as most of the liquid laid wildly spilled on the ground, what remains leaking slowly through the big crack (the container remained whole), and i tried desperately in the dim light to mop it up with a towel... and save what i could, but i couldn't see the crack or how it was leaking and put the container in such a way that everything just seeped out quicker than if i had left it alone.

it seemed like a metaphorical instant replay of this period of my life. and i think that was why i felt the way i did.

[taxico]

[malcontent]

At our gathering the night before last, it was asked… wonder how taxico is doing. Glad to hear you’re alright.

I’m going through a major upheaval in my own life at the moment, but it doesn’t hold a candle to what you’ve been through. Hope you find solace in whatever you do/wherever you go. Stay in touch.

[PNGMK]

If your wife is of the nationality I think she is, and you let her go back to that place you are in for a world of pain based on other friends experiences. It seems that the local women get full rights and their foreign husbands nothing. There has been some talk of shared custody recently https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-69025215 - but it won't apply to expats.

[Lisafuller]

hello...

i have not read the posts in this thread since my last post. (i will at some point and will reply too...)

so i guess it's time for an update. we have left malaysia at the end of april (early may for me) after a year+ of living in KL/PJ...

her business in KL is working out and she has been able to run it remotely with a number of full time malaysian employees. mother and child are currently living together. we are not legally separated nor have we commenced any divorce proceedings. things are still very difficult.

i drove the two of them to the airport with 85kg of luggage and they both left on an airplane.

the entire 2,200 sqft apartment with everything she did not want was left behind for me to figure out.

i have spoken to her parents. they seem to be on my side and are very sympathetic to the plight of everyone involved (including themselves) but especially for their grandchild.

i honestly do not know what to do. there're a lot of things pending which i am unable to rationally discuss with her. i keep a small apartment in SG which i do not own - it's a bachelor pad/SOHO/man cave. i think i will be giving up at the end of the year and will move out of SG once i have emptied it out. there's a lot to unpack/throw out as i've stored many many many things there for the past 15 years...

my child's mom would prefer i have nothing to do with them (except for continued use of my credit card). based on the interaction i've had with her and her family members in the past few weeks, i still do not know how best to proceed.

i miss my child a lot. A LOT. i'm considering legal action, but i also worry about the repercussions (there has been plenty of "i'll jump with the child" threats, and i've been successfully knifed at least once).

i might live in japan or the US if there's a need for me to become gainfully employed, or i might find somewhere else in malaysia if i were to continue my previous life of just living.

i think i'll do a solo self-drive road trip from sg to thailand in the next few days and see if i can figure a way out of this.

my dad said emphatically: if you have to move on, you move on... do what needs to be done and live your best life. this is no big deal as you can have a child whenever you want.

there's truth and wisdom and realism to his words, but...

I'm sorry to hear that, taxico. And knifed?? She sounds terribly unstable based on that. If there is proof/records of other such incidents it may be grounds for you to have custody. But either way as the child's legal father you do have the right to access your child, even if only partially. I guess the next order of business would be to pursue a separation? That way you'd only have to pay child support and would be legally permitted to maintain ties with the little one. I know it's not ideal, but seems necessary.

[Lisafuller]

aberfeldy and balvenie has been my faithful companions for many months, until quite recently when i stopped drinking.

i had about a full glass of each left in their respective bottles so i poured them into 2 separate ikea glass containers and brought them back to SG.

a few days later, the one with balvenie fell onto the floor from my shelf in such a way that the glass cracked and it all spilled. i was devastated. i had no good reason for bringing them back: i hadn't planned on drinking them, but i felt i couldn't abandon them either as they bore witness to the goings-on during a very difficult time of my life.

as most of the liquid laid wildly spilled on the ground, what remains leaking slowly through the big crack (the container remained whole), and i tried desperately in the dim light to mop it up with a towel... and save what i could, but i couldn't see the crack or how it was leaking and put the container in such a way that everything just seeped out quicker than if i had left it alone.

it seemed like a metaphorical instant replay of this period of my life. and i think that was why i felt the way i did.

Poetic. Maybe with that release you will experience a similar release in your own life.

[Lisafuller]

If your wife is of the nationality I think she is, and you let her go back to that place you are in for a world of pain based on other friends experiences. It seems that the local women get full rights and their foreign husbands nothing. There has been some talk of shared custody recently https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-69025215 - but it won't apply to expats.

Be that as it may the wife seems mentally unstable based on her actions. If this behavior constitutes a threat to the child's safety, the same rules may not apply. Threatening to jump, child in hand, is a very serious threat.

[taxico]

i feel really quite stressed today.

[deleted]

i'm thinking it may be best to forcibly relocate my child for his best interests... i believe he's been diagnosed as being on the spectrum (ASD) and needs more assistance than what's being made available to him right now.

even if i get a statement of consent, getting him a US passport doesn't solve the root problem. i also recognize moving in that direction is a slippery slope.

this is so messed up. i have so much so much to say but i don't even know where to begin, and i'm not even sure if i should be saying much.

[taxico]

deleted