taxico wrote: ↑
Sun, 24 Sep 2023 3:07 pm
i’m going to seek the wisdom of those wiser than me before i reply the earlier messages.
i’m somewhat at a cross road.
my child’s mom wanted a divorce but then changed her mind, somewhat. i wanted a divorce weeks after she brought it up.
actually i want a divorce -yesterday-
but she has strong armed me into agreeing to stay married by using the child. threats of not seeing my child, etc.
she is demanding that we stay married but i live in a separate apartment when i’m not looking after the child.
at the moment i’m doing the job of a full time stay at home dad / house help.
the only things i don’t do are washing up the bathroom (she doesn’t like the lack of control over how the bleach is used) and laundry (i’m unable to fold the clothes up to her standards and i don’t seem to sort out the clothes to her liking).
i’m currently continuing what i’ve been doing the past year - i wake at around 7.30am and sleep at around 2am. i don’t get time off our days off or acting.
she expects that any free time i have i should be cleaning or packing up the house or washing some thing.
she spends time at her work or is pumping breast milk. she also brings him out to play in the early evening and naps/sleeps with him.
everything else is done by me.
she would like me to move out once our child’s weaned (he’s having some issues with food and rejects pretty much everything no matter the taste or texture) and ready to go to pre school.
she often brings up how much she dislikes living with me and that she often wants to stab and kill me while i sleep.
she forced my to verbally agree to giving her full custody of the child when we get divorced. i had much earlier suggested no custody order be made, with care and control her and visitation for me.
this was outright rejected.
she accuses me of s.xually assaulting her in the past. news to me, made me really confused and sad as to when that happened.
she finds me threatening when i am walking or standing behind her, and there are many other things i can’t do or i’ll get a talking to.
any accidental touches of brushing of her skin in the course of raising a little toddler jointly is followed by strong rebukes and threats from her. i now keep a wide berth. i literally cannot even look in her direction without it being misconstrued as something she finds threatening.
i’m really tired. i’m tired of her bringing all these strange shite up and things in the past which didn’t happen the way she said it did (like things we’ve both previously jointly discussed before doing, etc) and pulling the blame of everything on me.
i’m also literally just tired from doing all these things day in and out. she has not agreed to hiring a helper of any sort.
recently i wanted to go back to singapore to visit a cardiologist and inspect the car at vicom and run some other errands, and i was given just 4 hours in singapore.
i usually choose to drive to singapore at night because i can make it back to my apartment from singapore in about 2.5 hours.
(flying takes 4-5 hours depending if it’s klia or subang airport and i hate airport security).
in the end she hassled me into just running her errands. i wanted to see a cardio because since i got covid, something’s wrong with my cardiovascular and/or respiratory system.
even my apple watch tells me so. the app graph coincides with when i got struck with covid.
and i didn’t end up doing anything except inspecting the car and running her errands. i got a call from her berating me about taking too long in singapore and there’s alot she has to do on her own.
separately, what’s worse, i don’t think i’m bonding with my child anymore. if anything, the child seems to know that i know i’ll be not with him eventually and even though i’m with him throughout the most of the day, we seem to be growing distant.
so the child’s mother wants me to continue looking after our child throughout. when he’s at school i’ll have my free time.
she wants to send him to pre school when he’s 3 (which i hope he’ll be eating / not rejecting food by then) and i’ll take him to/fro alice smith school about 45 minutes away from where we live.
if we divorce, she’s again emotionally blackmailed me into verbally agreeing to give her half of everything i have - now AND in future. as well as a fully paid brand new accommodation in singapore.
so my choices are;
do as she says. until the child is 18 or 21 or whatever. or however long it is i/she/we can endure.
i’ll continue to be the helper, driver, nanny and soob i think the chef.
i’m not sure if emotionally and physically and mentally i can take what she’s dishing out.
or, i strong arm my way into a divorce but likely don’t get to see the child often. i’m not sure i want to live in KL because i think i’d like to find some work/purpose to fill my time/mind.
i actually want to go back to the US. she hates it there. i don’t. but it’ll be too far.
right now, i actually would like some time away from her.
but i don’t feel easy about doing that because i don’t want to walk out, and i know for a fact she can’t cope without my help and i don’t think she’s going to be able to parent properly.
as it is, we’re both not parenting properly. we’re just winging it on our own with no kin or aid in KL. i think my child’s feeding problem partly stems from us not knowing what to do.
but getting divorced, statistically, seems to F-up children a lot. i’d hate for that to happen in this case.
so my question is, what should i do? rather, what is the right thing to do? i’m open to hearing suggestions or experiences.
edit: the child’s mom is sick. i know she has post partum mental issues.
i’m not in a good state right now myself, either. so right now her welfare is not an immediate concern of mine.
but i want to do right by my child… and by me.