the usual boy meets girl problem

[FranzLiszt]

since people are posting threads about their own relationship problems here...i might as well just join in....

i'm 17 years old as of today(yes my bdae is TODAY)

i never had a girlfren in my life before and i'm not a loser nor am i a gay.i started developing a deep interest in learning to play the piano 2 years ago when i was in secondary 3 after a series of bad experiences i had wif girls which i dun wish to elaborate but all i can say is that my life was really crappy at that point in time.i juz felt that my burning desire in wanting to take up the piano was my saviour to all of this.so i started piano lessons in Nov 2003 but had to stop lessons in June 2004 due to academic committments in preparation for my O level exams. i was never satisfied wif my piano playing although my teacher says i'm improving by leaps and bounds....

immediately after my O levels i kinda told myself to forget about girls because i was juz sick and tired of getting rejected and heartborken at the end of the day and concentrate fully on my piano playing.i told myself to be more serious in my piano playing and u can imagine me swearing an oath of obedience to my piano so much so that i considered my piano as my "Wife".as dumb as it may be , that was me.u can say i have an obsession wif pianos....

about a month later , i got to know this girl who attended a camp organised by Southeast CDC.she played the piano blar blar blar and the story continues we exchanged views on music especially topics revolving around the piano.intially i never had any feelings for her as i juz considered her as my fren who shared the same interest as me and as a result we met often and most of the time outside her school....

it was after one incident due to some miscommunication between us which really got her pissed and which also brought out the softer side of me.after this incident , she started sms me and telling me "i love u" "can we meet again?" "u gonna buy lunch for me? that's so sweet..i really love u!!!!" "it's really sweet of u to send me home" and it was because of all these sms i received from her , i got really confused and started developing a sense of attraction towards her but this feeling was merely an "on and off" feeling because i always tell myself to snap out of it and concentrate on my piano.again i know this sounds really dumb and stupid but i juz can't help but say all of this!!!! even my frens who saw my sms inbox said that the kinda tone she generates in her sms towards me was that she really likes me.
one day i asked her why was she saying all the "i love u" sms to me cause it's really making me super confused whether it's the frenship kinda "i love u" or the relationship kinda "i love u".once this happened which evantually made us confessed our feelings towards each other and for once i felt , hey for once someone really appreciates me for wad i really am and i also felt that she's the only one so far whom i could convey my knowledge of pianos and the greatest classical composers in history to her without the slightest hint of boredom!!!! when i'm in the company of my frens i dun usually talk about pianos or even music because i know that will surely turn them off....

we two had this "on and off" feeling towards each other or in other words , we two were in a state of mental confusion.her confusion evantually made her really pissed towards me for wadever reason she had and me getting hurt in the process of it.i tried reasoning things out wif her on the phone telling her that i was not confident in getting into a relationship but it juz got worst.when she finally found her cool and realised dat she regretted saying all those hurtful words to me , things went back to normal between us excluding those "i love u" sms....

wad can i do to build this confidence of mine?????
it's like whenever i see her now , i start to have feelings for her and although this is an "on and off" feeling but personally i feel deep within myself that after wad we've been thru , my feelings for her is slowly beginning to settle down....wad should i do????

need all the help i can get now....

thanks

[FranzLiszt]

and please do not give me that "u're only 17 ,u do not know what is love and should keep ur options open , u should concentrate on ur studies blar blar blar" kinda advise....

since this forum is patronised by working adults i presume , i hope to get some professional advice here...

thanks

[Strong Eagle]

Look, you're 17, and that's not something to make fun of, it is something to celebrate. Love and relationships, like all things in life, are different at 17 than they are at 55. Bear this in mind as you read.

At 17, you don't really know what love is. Oh, you think you do. That wonderfully strange feeling that comes over you when you make that first connection with a new girl... it must be love right? Actually, it is what you feel when someone pays attention to you as though you matter... someone that fills the gaps in your life... the other half of the puzzle. And part of it is pure an simple sex drive.

Real love is about the sacrifices that you are willing to make for the other person. As I read what you wrote, it is very much about you and your needs. Example: You say she is the only one you talk to about classical piano. This is because you feel safe in doing it. She may be absolutely bored to tears you know, and only listens to keep you happy.

That first relationship, and the end of it, is often the most painful, for you have fallen head first into it without the slightest idea of what will happen next. From this you will learn to be more cautious, to not give/take quite so freely until you are certain it will be reciprocated.

Finally, there is nothing strange about not having had a girlfriend at 17. It is only in today's sex charged, advertising driven, that people are led to believe that if they're not dating by 15 they are losers. It is better for you to grow and mature, and find your own identity before jumping into the fray. Oh... there is nothing wrong with being gay, either.

[FranzLiszt]

At 17, you don't really know what love is. Oh, you think you do. That wonderfully strange feeling that comes over you when you make that first connection with a new girl... it must be love right? Actually, it is what you feel when someone pays attention to you as though you matter... someone that fills the gaps in your life... the other half of the puzzle. And part of it is pure an simple sex drive.

Real love is about the sacrifices that you are willing to make for the other person. As I read what you wrote, it is very much about you and your needs. Example: You say she is the only one you talk to about classical piano. This is because you feel safe in doing it. She may be absolutely bored to tears you know, and only listens to keep you happy.

alright i'll give some due thought to this cause it indeed has some meaning behind it

[moloch71]

I'd say this girl is confused as you are, but it certainly complicates everything with her "I love you" sms texting.....

If you feel uncomfortable, tell her to express it another way. If its just her way of being affectionate and connecting - she may get miffed, but she still has no right to mess with your head :!:

On the other hand, she might like you lots, and hopes something more can develop. In this case, consider and heed the advice of adults, but still make up your own mind about it.

Ultimately, no-one really has mastered how to deal with the other sex no matter what age !

Good luck buddy, we all need it.

[catnap]

Happy 17 birthday! I wish I were 17 again!

Anyway, I'm a pretty good shrink and they way I look at it is as follow: (sorry I might sound too clinical)
1. You have on and off feelings for her at first becos you're enjoying the attention you get from her. Afterall, you've never had a girlfriend and this new found attention's something interesting. It feels good and feed on your esteem. BUT it doesn't mean you like or love her.

2. She get mad and regret saying nice words. Well, look, girl ego's very fragile, she took your confusion as rejection, thus behaving aggressively. It's a natural defense mechanism but it doesn't mean she hates you or doesn't appreciate you. People say angry words when they're hurt.

3. You developed strong feelings for her after she got mad and stop being nice. Look it might not be you having real feelings but it could be a natural response to retrieve the lost attraction and attention you get from her. It's a natural mechanism. It's like you want her back but it could be your subconscious ego trying to gain back whatever attention you used to get cos it feels good. Now it doesn't, you desperately want it back and will strive for it.

Look, what you need to do is to really THINK whether you like this girl in the most basic manner. whether you like her as a person, are there qualities you like in her? If you do, then do something about it and try to slowly convince her. But if she doesn't listen, well, young bloke, maybe she's not mature enough to handle love.

I know you'll hate it when I say this but yes, you're young. YOu'll learn LOVE LESSONS along the way. Some painful, some less and often the hard ways. But it's life and you'll get better at it. What's most important is that you should focus on your passion cos it's something you and you alone have. Never focus all your attention on just love cos it might not last forever. I'm not a pessimist but a realist! Good luck!

[Guest]

SINGAPORE..........WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH SOME OF YOUR CITIZENS AND THE SMS LANGUAGE? AND WORSE....THEY BECOME COMMON USAGE..........LOOK AT THE ABOVE MESSAGE....BECOS?????BECAUSE PLEASE....AND NUMEROUS OTHER RUBBISH INCLUSIONS.

YOU SHOULD HAVE A SERIOUS LOOK AT THE CRAPPY LIGHT THIS SHOWS YOU IN ON THE WORLDS STAGE.

AND IT'S NOT ONLY YOUR YOUNG WHO ARE DOING THIS.

[Piano_Sam]

SINGAPORE..........WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH SOME OF YOUR CITIZENS AND THE SMS LANGUAGE? AND WORSE....THEY BECOME COMMON USAGE..........LOOK AT THE ABOVE MESSAGE....BECOS?????BECAUSE PLEASE....AND NUMEROUS OTHER RUBBISH INCLUSIONS.

YOU SHOULD HAVE A SERIOUS LOOK AT THE CRAPPY LIGHT THIS SHOWS YOU IN ON THE WORLDS STAGE.

AND IT'S NOT ONLY YOUR YOUNG WHO ARE DOING THIS.

Hey man. I think your view on this is a little distorted. What exactly is wrong in people adopting "SMS language"? By the way, chat rooms are filled with such stuff as well, and it's quite expected of it to creep into forums like these.

Pray tell, would you say that YOUR language is perfect? What's with all the upper case? Maybe you can clarify. Also, I think there's only one world, not WORLDS. Plus, I think you should add in your sentence "THEY BECOME COMMON USAGE" a 'have' after 'they' and an 'a' after 'become' in search of YOUR perfection.

Perhaps thou shouldst express thy heartfelt opinion in old King James version, to enable the folk of Net Land to seest a better light shining from thy all perfection throne. Hmm?

Just my low down, scooped from the sewage opinion. Humbly speaking.

[FranzLiszt]

Look, what you need to do is to really THINK whether you like this girl in the most basic manner. whether you like her as a person, are there qualities you like in her? If you do, then do something about it and try to slowly convince her. But if she doesn't listen, well, young bloke, maybe she's not mature enough to handle love.

well i guess the only thing that separates her from my other female frens is that we could connect easily due to our interest for music and in particular , piano music....

but for qualities wise , i have yet to find any unique qualities of her

i guess i need more time to discover the hidden qualities in her....

[catnap]

What's with this big reaction on sms languages? I thought this subject is about relationship problem?? I mean if whoever has issue with sms language, then don't read if it's gonna evoke such angry reaction! The point of the forum is to get the message across I suppose and not to criticize language or something. Those English language/grammar purist should just stick to those forum on newspaper if sms and internet short forms get them so upset.

Anyway, Franzliszt, common interest alone can't sustain a relationship. Imagine if the person you dislike in class happens to have a common interest with you, that won't make you like the person more. So it's good to have a common interest but other qualities in a person are more important. So the question is, if you take that bit of common interest in music and piano away, would you still like her as a person? If you do and are attracted to her personality and respect her as a person in general, then you can start considering if you want more. Thing is, maybe you should just meet more people.

It's always easier to connect with people with a common interest but the bit about connecting with people gotta start from yourself as well. If you're not ready to open up or are too shy and all, then connecting with people is of course hard. Which is why, you should meet and talk with more people. Human social interactions have a lot of dimensions. As you grow older, you'll realize that with certain friends, you can only talk about work or interests, while with others, you can talk about emotional matters. There'll always be people who cater to connecting to different aspects of your life and when relationship is concerned, it really boils down to what your priority is. For instance, some people want relationship cos they want emotional closeness, whereas others look for companionship and fun time together and emotional closeness isn't as important. So it really depends on what you value most.

[FranzLiszt]

looks like u people out here really give in depth and sensable advises....

[Strong Eagle]

looks like u people out here really give in depth and sensable advises....

Yeh... that's because most of use here are well beyond 17... and having made all the screw ups that you are going to make, we'd like to advise you to do otherwise... but... having been 17 ourselves, we realize that there is little chance that will happen.

[17again?]

FL,

You have no idea what's in store for you. 17 was the age when dreams are abound and you have so many hope for the future and you think you are invincible.

I would say it's the most wonderful year of my life, turning 17. Am 27 this year and I would say things have changed so much and I have been though things Ive never ever dreamt I'd go through,done things I've always promised myself I wouldnt do.

I wonder what's ahead. Good luck and go easy on the love thing. Enjoy the ride.

[jpatokal]

I would say it's the most wonderful year of my life, turning 17.

You're a minority. For most being a teenager is hell. Life is much more fun after you get a little independence and learn the ropes of how relationships work...

[Guest]

i think as a 17 year old (i'm 23) you should just go out with her. i mean, if she's cute, likes you and you have a common interest thats more than enough for a teenage boyfriend-girlfriend thing. You are not going to marry her anyway.
Sure it will hurt when you break up, especially if you end up liking her but after a while looking back you will remember the good times. On the other hand if you don't hook up you'll be thinking about what could've been.

I suggest you open up and give the ladies a chance! just because you had bad experiences at 15-16 doesn't mean you'll always have them. It's the same as piano if you want to get good at dating you better start training early