Family issues

[Tingpingbing]

Hello guys,
I want to get some advice on how people handle to live with a person that does not like you?

So my grandmother lives with me, my mother and siblings. My mom took her in since none of her siblings did want to have her at their home. So my mother, even though my grandmother is really rude to her, my mother took her in.
So you guys wonder what my grandmother has done.
Since my mom was a kid, my grandmother have always loved her oldest daughter more then my mother. My grandmother has always said that my mom is unlucky kid (what type of mother says this kind of stuff to her own child?). My grandmother has always been rude to my mother. My grandmother is just using my mother for food and a place to stay.

My grandmother will always tell everything that happens at our house to her oldest daughter even through her oldest daughter don't want to have her at her home. One time my mother heard her sister and her mother talk behind her back and said rude stuff on the phone. My aunt always love to listen to all drama that happens at our home and is always asking my grandmother for informations about me and my siblings. To be honest, me and my siblings does not care about my aunts kids. But my aunt will always compare us to her kids. So my cousins have white boyfriends. My boyfriend is brown. And my grandmother is always saying white people are better, we should also get a white boyfriend etc etc. Who the f*** cares? Why is she even saying stuff like this? And why does my aunt and grandmother be like this?
My grandmother is even rude to him when he comes to visit me.

How can I handle to live with my grandmother? She is 82years old now. My mom always says that we should be nice to older people. We should not shout or be rude to out grandmother. How can I tolerate her?
This shit has been going on for years now. My aunt always want to hear all the gossip that happens in our house.
When me and my siblings try to study or sleep she will talk loudly on the phone (when she talk gossips about us to her daughter she whispers and can hear properly, so please don't think that she is old and can't hear) and will make noise from the kitchen. She doesn't even cook food. My mother does everything. My grandmother just wants to irritate us. She will always look at how much we eat and is always asking what we do, so that she can inform every information to her favorite daughter (my mother's sister).
It is so many thing that my grandmother has done towards me, my mother and siblings. I can actually write a book. But anyways, how can I live with her? My white friends are so useless when it comes to problems like this. I do not have many brown friends that I trust. Hope someone here can give me some advice on how to live (sorry to say this but i can't tolerate her anymore).
This culture where you have to respect older people even though they hurt you is so toxic. Please I hope you can help me. I don't want to have bad karma because I sometimes tell her that she is wrong and shout at her. There are many fights every day at home. Please help me.

[abbby]

I am not sure if you're dealing with grandma issues or friends here.

When you have reached a certain age, you will have lesser friends as most will get married, have kids, move on with their lives. So only those who really enjoy your friendship will stick with you. The important thing is to choose your friends wisely.

As for your grandma issues, it's not easy to live with an elderly, they can be very selfish and biased. Well, you can just ignore her and you'll feel happier. If time permits, then you can consider living on your own or moving out least you get your own privacy, I dislike people with a very 'bad mouth' as well.

[Lisafuller]

I know it can be very suffocating to live with people whom you don’t always agree with. I imagine it must be especially difficult in Singapore, where the culture of filial piety and respect for elders is so strong. If ignoring her does not work, and shouting and screaming does not work either, I suggest you ask her to attend family counseling. At the very least, you will all be able to air your grievances and hopefully work towards a better understanding of each other. If she is unwilling, consider attending personal therapy, where you’ll be able to work out some of your unresolved feelings and anger. I wish you all the best.

[ja1004]

I totally get you. It's not we are not compassionate towards elderly, some grandparents are simply too annoying. Not everyone is lucky to have a lovely grandparent.
I'm going something similar or maybe even worse (my situation is kind of mess right now), so I totally get where you are coming from.

Well, we might be in Singapore where we practice filial piety and respect elder culture. But one should n't be too soft. They will just step over our head more and more. And elder always have the same talk 'they are more experience, the salt they ate is more than the rice we ate). They just won't admit they are in the wrong.
There is a difference between 孝顺 and 愚孝. Instead of shouts and quarrels and fights at home.
Give her the harsh fact that all her other children does not want her to stay in their house, only your mum is still willingly to accept her, so she have no other choice than your mum. Tell her to stop pushing everyone's limit of patience in the house. If she's unwillingly to adjust to everyone's habits in the house, your wont hesitate to bring her to your aunt (her 'beloved daughter' who she always gossip bad about you guys) or just go to old folks home or nursing home. Tell her she's only 寄人篱下(staying under someone's roof), be a little respectful, doesn't matter if she's a elder or not.

Sometimes we need to tell the elder some harsh facts in order for them to wake up to reality. They thought they knew everything, everyone have to adjust their habit around her instead of 2 ways.

[Lisafuller]

I totally get you. It's not we are not compassionate towards elderly, some grandparents are simply too annoying. Not everyone is lucky to have a lovely grandparent.
I'm going something similar or maybe even worse (my situation is kind of mess right now), so I totally get where you are coming from.

Well, we might be in Singapore where we practice filial piety and respect elder culture. But one should n't be too soft. They will just step over our head more and more. And elder always have the same talk 'they are more experience, the salt they ate is more than the rice we ate). They just won't admit they are in the wrong.
There is a difference between 孝顺 and 愚孝. Instead of shouts and quarrels and fights at home.
Give her the harsh fact that all her other children does not want her to stay in their house, only your mum is still willingly to accept her, so she have no other choice than your mum. Tell her to stop pushing everyone's limit of patience in the house. If she's unwillingly to adjust to everyone's habits in the house, your wont hesitate to bring her to your aunt (her 'beloved daughter' who she always gossip bad about you guys) or just go to old folks home or nursing home. Tell her she's only 寄人篱下(staying under someone's roof), be a little respectful, doesn't matter if she's a elder or not.

Sometimes we need to tell the elder some harsh facts in order for them to wake up to reality. They thought they knew everything, everyone have to adjust their habit around her instead of 2 ways.

Agree that you should be able to speak to her. Seniority should not mean superiority. Just do it respectfully, the way you are proposing seems a little harsh and disrespectful.

[malcontent]

A good friend once told me a simple fact - “you get what you tolerate” when it comes to dealing with people.

If someone is rude and you tolerate it, you will continue to get rudeness. It’s like the old saying, keep doing the same thing and expect something different - that is the definition of insanity.

Now, I am not saying this will be easy, but you need to put down some hard fence posts and don’t tolerate ANY violations - each time the person is rude, tell them they are being rude, and tell them you are only going to listen to what they say if they speak to you normally - and of course, say this to them in a pleasant, calm and respectful manner.

Again, it won’t be easy - they will test your resolve on this... many times I am sure, but you have to stick to it without fail in order to sustain the change. Even rude people want to be heard, and whether they are heard (by you) is up to you - if you take that away, they will have no choice but to change their tune.

Elders should be respected, but that doesn’t mean you have to endure verbal abuse.