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One child v/s two

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Wd40
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One child v/s two

Postby Wd40 » Mon, 18 Dec 2017 12:22 am

Just curious what do you guys think is better, 1 child or 2 and the pros and cons. We have one daughter and she is 6 years old now. Both me and my wife are not too keen on having another child. We are not really that much into interacting with kids. It drains a lot of our energy and my wife is stay at home and is very close to my daughter and spends a lot of time with her, but also likes to have her own time. I am more of a computer guy and my daughter tries to pull me away to play with her. I play with her, but this is more like reluctant and I have to force myself. So considering this I dont think we will make good parents to 2 kids. The financial part is also something to consider, we are not very rich, but it would be easier for us financially to raise 1 kid.

The usual argument for I hear, for 2 kids is that, the kids will not be lonely and will grow up together. But I have my doubts on this as well. If not brought up well, there can be sibling rivalry and anyways, I find kids like to hang out with their own friends than siblings. What do you guys think?

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby justnile » Mon, 18 Dec 2017 4:09 pm

I have a six years old and another 11months. We had the same dilemma a year plus ago. In the end, its about your personal preference. We do notice a huge change to my elder girl after the sister came along.

The elder used to be demanding attention all the time and is not really extroverted. We did all we can to prepare her for her new sibling by telling her to be responsible, have to look after her sis, being the elder and showing example to the sis etc...

When the younger one came, we really notice the change in the sister. She suddenly became caring, loving to her younger sis and became helpful around the house.

Costs wise, I guess everyone will be different in bringing up their children. I think when the kids goes to primary school, the attention span required becomes less as well.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby Wd40 » Mon, 18 Dec 2017 4:20 pm

justnile wrote:I have a six years old and another 11months. We had the same dilemma a year plus ago. In the end, its about your personal preference. We do notice a huge change to my elder girl after the sister came along.

The elder used to be demanding attention all the time and is not really extroverted. We did all we can to prepare her for her new sibling by telling her to be responsible, have to look after her sis, being the elder and showing example to the sis etc...

When the younger one came, we really notice the change in the sister. She suddenly became caring, loving to her younger sis and became helpful around the house.

Costs wise, I guess everyone will be different in bringing up their children. I think when the kids goes to primary school, the attention span required becomes less as well.
Thanks I can understand. My daughter's best friend also recently had a sister and when she(and her mother) takes care of her, my daughter misses having her own sister. So she asks us when she will have her own. Nowadays her favourite game is playing with a baby doll. Bathing the doll, feeding it and making it sleep etc.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby PNGMK » Tue, 19 Dec 2017 7:14 am

(sucks breath in between teeth sharply while amazed to be given such a a chance... Aka ingressive dental fricative)....

Just perhaps you should not be having children at all?
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Re: One child v/s two

Postby earthfriendly » Mon, 25 Dec 2017 8:49 am

Wd40 wrote:
The usual argument for I hear, for 2 kids is that, the kids will not be lonely and will grow up together.


You answered your own question. My advice has always been along that same line. Do not stop at one. Let them experience the joy of growing up with a sister / brother. I grew up with siblings and it is quite a nice feeling knowing that there will always be somebody looking out for you. That is the ideal picture that I just gave, right? Raising kids take a lot of energy, both emotional and physical. Not everyone is equipped with it. And you can't predict the personality of the child. And some are so strong-will that they end up breaking their care-givers. Just make sure you are going into it for the right reason. Ideally, I would like to have four or more kids. But realistically, I could only handle the two (both are defiant) that I already have. Now that they are older, I do wish for more. But when I start thinking of all that it entails, I don't think I can do it all over, again.

As for the financial aspects, yes kids are expensive, but there are many ways to economize. Kids really don't need the latest toys and gadgets to get that feeling of being well. But they do need to feel loved and seeing their parents making a genuine effort for them.

And if you decide not to have any more, it is not the end of the world to be the only child. Do you have pets at home? Having a pet, a living thing, that your daughter can care for is very beneficial.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby Wd40 » Tue, 26 Dec 2017 12:57 am

earthfriendly wrote:
Wd40 wrote:
The usual argument for I hear, for 2 kids is that, the kids will not be lonely and will grow up together.


You answered your own question. My advice has always been along that same line. Do not stop at one. Let them experience the joy of growing up with a sister / brother. I grew up with siblings and it is quite a nice feeling knowing that there will always be somebody looking out for you. That is the ideal picture that I just gave, right? Raising kids take a lot of energy, both emotional and physical. Not everyone is equipped with it. And you can't predict the personality of the child. And some are so strong-will that they end up breaking their care-givers. Just make sure you are going into it for the right reason. Ideally, I would like to have four or more kids. But realistically, I could only handle the two (both are defiant) that I already have. Now that they are older, I do wish for more. But when I start thinking of all that it entails, I don't think I can do it all over, again.

As for the financial aspects, yes kids are expensive, but there are many ways to economize. Kids really don't need the latest toys and gadgets to get that feeling of being well. But they do need to feel loved and seeing their parents making a genuine effort for them.

And if you decide not to have any more, it is not the end of the world to be the only child. Do you have pets at home? Having a pet, a living thing, that your daughter can care for is very beneficial.
Thanks. My skepticism is 2 fold.
1) The financial aspect: we have finite resources and divide by 1 Vs divide by 2 makes a huge difference. The amount of money/time/energy needed for another child has to come from somewhere. It is a zero sum game, which means something somewhere takes a hit, either we need to work harder or each of the children get less than what they would get if they were alone.

2) We are not great at parenting. We are terrible. As Indians, we ourselves had pretty bad parenting, and over many aspects there is disagreement between myself and my wife as to how to do the parenting. One more child greatly increases the risk of bad parenting. We need to be very very careful not to create any kind of bias, which will invariably happen, simply because the 2 children are at different stages of life. If this is not managed carefully, it could easily lead to sibling rivalry/ jealousy etc

Both I and my wife have siblings, but neither of us think that having siblings made any huge impact to our lifes. In my case, I was and am very very different from my siblings and as children we grew up well playing with each other, but now, we don't really get along so well, because we are very very different in our interests and attitude towards life.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby Alvinacleo » Tue, 09 Jan 2018 12:30 pm

I have a child of 7 years old myself, and have been trying to conceive for 3 years now. I thought you know, since I got it right the on the first attempt for my first child, it won't be too difficult when I've finally settled my life and will be ready for a 2nd child. Now I'm starting to regret the choice of starting too late as my infertility issues wasn't part of my plan. My child has been asking for a brother or sister since 2 years ago and I have always told her time is not right yet. The worst thing is I am starting to see some streaks of single child symptoms on her, which is quite worrying. She started to become more possessive with her toys, unwilling to share when there are other children around. She would have a high sense of self entitlement whenever she is in a group of children. My 2 cents opinion, having 2 children would be beneficial to the children in the long run. Imagine her growing up and being eliminated by her peers in her workplace. If you had a chance, just go for it.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby Wd40 » Tue, 09 Jan 2018 4:32 pm

Alvinacleo wrote:I have a child of 7 years old myself, and have been trying to conceive for 3 years now. I thought you know, since I got it right the on the first attempt for my first child, it won't be too difficult when I've finally settled my life and will be ready for a 2nd child. Now I'm starting to regret the choice of starting too late as my infertility issues wasn't part of my plan. My child has been asking for a brother or sister since 2 years ago and I have always told her time is not right yet. The worst thing is I am starting to see some streaks of single child symptoms on her, which is quite worrying. She started to become more possessive with her toys, unwilling to share when there are other children around. She would have a high sense of self entitlement whenever she is in a group of children. My 2 cents opinion, having 2 children would be beneficial to the children in the long run. Imagine her growing up and being eliminated by her peers in her workplace. If you had a chance, just go for it.


Thanks for sharing! I really appreciate it. I also wish you good luck! My daughter is also like that. Recently we went back to my home town for vacation and she got to spend sometime with her cousin, who is also doesn't have siblings. We were keen to see how they get along. They played very well together, the cousin shared his toys most of the time with my daughter. But I remember few months ago when a family friend came to our house, my daughter didn't share a single toy with their kids.

So my daughter has this very high sense of entitlement when she goes to other people's house and yet doesn't share her toys with anyone, except her best friend. My daughter has a best friend and now refuses to play with anyone other than her.

My personal opinion is that having siblings will probably solve this issue, but there are no guarantees. These days kids get everything they want and hardly have to fight for anything. This is very different from how we grew up. I think there is a big part that parenting plays in solving these issues and I think it can be done even if the child doesn't have any siblings. I see my nephew has been brought up as a single child, yet he behaves differently from my daughter.

I have to say, that my nephew is about 3 years older than my daughter, may be that's why he is open to share toys. My daughter is 6.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby PNGMK » Wed, 10 Jan 2018 9:51 am

Alvinacleo wrote:I have a child of 7 years old myself, and have been trying to conceive for 3 years now. I thought you know, since I got it right the on the first attempt for my first child, it won't be too difficult when I've finally settled my life and will be ready for a 2nd child. Now I'm starting to regret the choice of starting too late as my infertility issues wasn't part of my plan. My child has been asking for a brother or sister since 2 years ago and I have always told her time is not right yet. The worst thing is I am starting to see some streaks of single child symptoms on her, which is quite worrying. She started to become more possessive with her toys, unwilling to share when there are other children around. She would have a high sense of self entitlement whenever she is in a group of children. My 2 cents opinion, having 2 children would be beneficial to the children in the long run. Imagine her growing up and being eliminated by her peers in her workplace. If you had a chance, just go for it.


It's a common issue now unfortunately (starting too late to have kids).
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Re: One child v/s two

Postby AussieMumma » Fri, 20 Jul 2018 5:22 pm

I am about to have my 4th :o

Never liked the idea of just one child. They get bored and lonely quite easily and are far more demanding of your time. I rarely see my kids unless they are hungry or need emotional support or just want to hang out with me. They are fiercely independent and have great confidence and social skills.

Though, if you’re really not into having kids perhaps you shouldn’t have had any? Definately don’t have anymore as having them just for the sake of it is a poor choice.

Going from one child to 2 was the most challenging for me also in terms of logistics etc.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby Wd40 » Fri, 20 Jul 2018 5:32 pm

AussieMumma wrote:I am about to have my 4th :o

Never liked the idea of just one child. They get bored and lonely quite easily and are far more demanding of your time. I rarely see my kids unless they are hungry or need emotional support or just want to hang out with me. They are fiercely independent and have great confidence and social skills.

Though, if you’re really not into having kids perhaps you shouldn’t have had any? Definately don’t have anymore as having them just for the sake of it is a poor choice.

Going from one child to 2 was the most challenging for me also in terms of logistics etc.
All the best! :)

In my opinion, after doing a lot of reading, there is no right or wrong. I agree 1 child get bored easily. But I don't agree that the reason to bring another child into this world so that the 1st child has company. I read this from another article too, the life purpose of the second child is not to entertain the 1st child or vice versa and I have seen many cases where kids as they grow older become far apart from their siblings and in extreme cases are 180 degrees different from their siblings and can't get along at all. For parents it is an added relation to manage. You need to ensure and go out of the way to make sure, you are not doing any partiality to any kid. Sometimes, it just happens even though you don't intend. Maybe due to financial situation, the 1st child may not have got what the 2nd child gets now. Also if kids are very different in abilities and competencies, then you will have to manage that as well.

One child means, that is all you have. You are the world to that child and the child is the world to you, no benchmarking, comparison, nothing.

I havent even spoken about the financial, emotional resources needed to bring up another child.

Russel peters in one of his standup comedies brought this up. He said he is the one and done type, he is also an Indian like me and had the typical Indian upbringing so he can relate to it.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby AussieMumma » Fri, 20 Jul 2018 6:22 pm

We are an Anglo Indian family, both highly educated. All my children attend private schools and want for nothing. We are in the situation to be able to have our children and all were planned and are much loved. I didn’t have more kids just to keep others company. That was partly my point, it’s like when people get a second dog just to keep the first company, makes no sense to me which is why I said perhaps don’t have anymore children.

Personally I have always wanted a big family. I have sacrificed time out of my career to be able to be home with my children while they are young and will miss this time terribly when it has passed. We will stop at 4 because I do want to be come an individual at some point in my life again and get back into my career.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby AussieMumma » Fri, 20 Jul 2018 6:25 pm

Also, you don’t seem that interested in your first child so why even think of having a second? There is nothing wrong with having an only child, if that’s what you and your wife want. Your child won’t be deprived in any way and you can’t predict what they are going to be like even if you do have another.

I would never tell a family what is the magic number because there is no magic number. Each family is different and has different dynamics and requirements.

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby AussieMumma » Fri, 20 Jul 2018 6:29 pm

PS - love Russel Peters

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Re: One child v/s two

Postby casey5047 » Mon, 30 Jul 2018 1:42 pm

Wd40 wrote:I am more of a computer guy and my daughter tries to pull me away to play with her. I play with her, but this is more like reluctant and I have to force myself.


I think the question is whether you should've had one child, nevermind thinking of having another.

I really hope you only posted this because you wanted reaffirmation of what you already know is right - don't have another child. Cling on, wait another 12-13 years until your child is an adult and goes to university or finds suitable employment, then you will be free to play Fortnite as much as you like.


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