Please help serious family problem Indian woman

[bhurirav]

Will your family be understanding enough that you/your soon-to-be-ex will not be giving them money for 3-6 months while you find your ways to be independent?

or go for broke and demand a lump sum payment during divorce ??

That may work, if the divorce takes place in Singapore.

A lump sum, so Miss here can take a break while looking to land another big fish, and enough money to keep the family back home happy, and all is fine.

Why didn't anybody think of that ?

I do think I deserve alimony and not because I am a hypocritical "modern, independent woman " as some put it but because of what husband has put me through.
I wouldn't have married him had I been aware of his sexuality plain and simple, my consent was fraudulently obtained.
He has been cheating on me with this friend for years now, and maybe with other guys too although I can't be sure of that, that is adultery.
He spoiled my chances for having a normal marriage the for st time, I want to be compensated for mental trauma, adultery and loss of years.
Even if my family is poor they too wouldn't have consented to such a marriage even for 100000 SGD a month or any amount, forget 1000 SGD, my Uncle spent on my wedding in good faith.

I wish to be compensated for these tangible and intangible damages is that so wrong?

[bhurirav]

Will your family be understanding enough that you/your soon-to-be-ex will not be giving them money for 3-6 months while you find your ways to be independent?

Family will be understanding enough but as I mentioned they'd be devastated my marriage was the only bright spot in their unhappy life.

[bhurirav]

So what's your plan?

Still formulating one.

[RoastBeefBaron]

If you really want to go down this path, try and get some evidence of his infidelity.

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[bhurirav]

From all I have read I am wondering: Isn't moving away from the Indian community an option? It's not like you live in India so just move to "the other side of the island" and build a new friend circle? Especially if you go with the divorce option and start working somewhere.

Or isn't that as easily done as said?


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I could do that but as you said it is a little difficult to do.

I have a huge friend circle here built over the years, I know what the morally right thing to do is, it's just difficult to do-I have lived a lifestyle and with a group of friends for years now.

[bhurirav]

If you really want to go down this path, try and get some evidence of his infidelity.

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That is a very good idea, with proof in my hands, it will be easy to explain why I ended the marriage, wish I had set about gathering evidence before friend left SG.

However if husband is now seeing other men behind my back I can try to get such evidence, although that'd be tougher.

[bhurirav]

What I don't understand are these so called modern,well educated Indian women who appear modern outward, clothing fashion etc, but want their husbands to pay for everything,support them financially and then sit at home and do nothing, when a break up crisis like this occurs,they can't seem to think beyond blackmailing husbands instead of formulating an escape route that involves getting a job, financial independence etc.

That girl you call Y who you claimed is "smart and sensible" to get out of this situation is no saint either.

She was very pretty and had earlier wished to join Indian films and be an actress, her parents felt that was an unsuitable occupation for a respectable young lady and not easy either so she got herself an education from well known Indian universities and a highly paid job, but had always hoped to marry really well ( read a wealthy guy).

Her parents too were highly ambitious about her matrimony and wished to catch the biggest fish possible, they had even claimed to many that since their daughter is so beautiful, accomplished and well to do, her husband too must be exceptional and superior to the husbands of her relatives and friends in her peer group.

She found this guy, found him effeminate, told her parents that she felt he was gay, she male etc but still ended up marrying him at their insistence.

I learnt all this from one of her closest friends whom she has known since childhood

What would they possibly do to her if she refused? They might be very annoyed and tell her they aren't getting another suitable alliance but they certainly wouldn't physically harm her, why did a beautiful, educated, high earning girl go through a forced marriage?

And what sort of parents compel their daughter, for no other reason apart from their social climbing aspirations to marry a guy she finds effeminate?

But now she's got a compensation and she and her parents are widely regarded as innocent victims and she as a very spunky young woman for ending her marriage.

I am no worse than your sainted Y, nor is my family any worse than her family.

She wouldn't have married husband's friend had she known, nor would I have married my husband if I had known.

Her family doesn't need her money mine does, another difference.

The only difference is its blatantly obvious from this friend's body language that something is amiss, he is not at all interested in women and incapable of fatherhood while husband is bi and biologically capable(probably) but unwilling.

[GuyJean]

I could do that but as you said it is a little difficult to do.

I have a huge friend circle here built over the years, I know what the morally right thing to do is, it's just difficult to do-I have lived a lifestyle and with a group of friends for years now.

It surely gets more difficult building good and strong friendships as you get older, depending on the country, especially if you are spending most of your time at work. But it can be done. And the good thing is, you still have all your experiences and can focus on building a friend circle you desire. You already know what you don't want.

[rajagainstthemachine]

[BBCWatcher]

Many words have been written in this thread, but there only seem to be two basic choices: 1. stay married; 2. don't stay married. Here are just a few words on those options:

1. Many women tolerate their husbands' infidelities (and other flaws), including the likely next President of the United States. They might live in the same household, share resources, perhaps even partake in social outings from time to time, but not be romantically involved (for example). If both partners are fine with that arrangement, so be it. It's your marriage, not anybody else's. Modern medical technology even allows having children, but that too ought to be mutually agreed. Chelsea Clinton turned out OK as far as we know; it can be done.

2. Many women don't tolerate their husbands' infidelities. If you don't want to remain married, then you'd try to reach the most amicable settlement you can and move on with your life, starting with separation.

[PNGMK]

I'm out. Mt skin is crawling.

[BBCWatcher]

It's your marriage, not anybody else's.

Clarification: "Your" is mildly plural here, referring to you and your husband only.

So, to summarize, I see only two choices: (a) stay in the same household in some sort of marriage of convenience (the status quo, perhaps with some new agreement), or (b) don't stay married. There's no need for 68 paragraphs (or whatever) to describe that choice, and nobody else can tell you what the best choice is for you and your husband. Many women and men choose option (a), and many women and men choose option (b). Both choices have their pros and cons, and you'll have to weigh them for yourself.

I wish you the best in your decision and the best life ahead.

[bhurirav]

Hello all,

I would like this to be my final post in this thread, I do not wish to write anymore after the umpteen paragraphs I have written.

I have decided to not stay married and I shall seek alimony, I am sure we could reach a reasonable alimony acceptable to my husband and myself.

Just to clarify to rajagainsthemachine & others, I am no housewife, never have been. I have simply been employed in a low paying sector despite having good qualifications. There are many such jobs, jobs in social work, as a scholarship student with stipend, as a practicing lawyer, author, etc where pay might be low for quite a few years. I do not want to clarify my occupation, but I have been working full time and quite hard for years. Please ask rather than make judgmental statements about others work ethic and values.

And yeah, people in every country make all sorts of marital choices and arrangements, someone mentioned the Clintons in a post, it happens even amongst high profile couples in USA.

However, there needs to be mutual consent in such cases, which was sorely missing in my peculiar matrimonial arrangement, which makes me feel that the only way I can punish my husband is to extract some money out of him.

Cheers

[ecureilx]

Hello all,

I would like this to be my final post in this thread, I do not wish to write anymore after the umpteen paragraphs I have written.

I have decided to not stay married and I shall seek alimony, I am sure we could reach a reasonable alimony acceptable to my husband and myself.

Just to clarify to rajagainsthemachine & others, I am no housewife, never have been. I have simply been employed in a low paying sector despite having good qualifications. There are many such jobs, jobs in social work, as a scholarship student with stipend, as a practicing lawyer, author, etc where pay might be low for quite a few years. I do not want to clarify my occupation, but I have been working full time and quite hard for years. Please ask rather than make judgmental statements about others work ethic and values.

And yeah, people in every country make all sorts of marital choices and arrangements, someone mentioned the Clintons in a post, it happens even amongst high profile couples in USA.

However, there needs to be mutual consent in such cases, which was sorely missing in my peculiar matrimonial arrangement, which makes me feel that the only way I can punish my husband is to extract some money out of him.

Cheers

So you have no part in this charade but your husband's? Hence he need to be punished?

[x9200]

I would like this to be my final post in this thread, I do not wish to write anymore after the umpteen paragraphs I have written.

Thank you. Really appreciating

I have decided to not stay married and I shall seek alimony, I am sure we could reach a reasonable alimony acceptable to my husband and myself.

Good luck to your husband. After these umpteen paragraphs I believe the sentiments of many readers turned the way you didn't expect.

Just to clarify to rajagainsthemachine & others, I am no housewife, never have been. I have simply been employed in a low paying sector despite having good qualifications. There are many such jobs, jobs in social work, as a scholarship student with stipend, as a practicing lawyer, author, etc where pay might be low for quite a few years. I do not want to clarify my occupation, but I have been working full time and quite hard for years. Please ask rather than make judgmental statements about others work ethic and values.

Of course dear. Whatever makes you think people reading it are going to buy.