Please help serious family problem Indian woman

[bhurirav]

I drafted a massive reply and then Tapatalk crashed, and now I can't be anussed retyping the whole thing. The gist of what I was going to say is that raj is right in the sense that you want to divorce your husband for his amoral nature yet you seem to be keen on manipulating him for your own means, suggesting you either feel he doesn't deserve better treatment or you're as bad as he is. Secondly, you mentioned he's bisexual but haven't expanded on why you even mentioned it. Does he cheat on you with other dudes? If so I think that's a good reason to divorce him. Or does he just happen to like dudes but is still faithful? Does that in itself bother you?

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

What sort of morality do I need to demonstrate to husband? Does he have any morals himself. As I said he didn't exactly marry me out of love but because he is bi or at least the reasons he continues paying money to my family is his sexuality. Yes, I know that critical comments might keep coming, but this blackmailing I will tell all followed by husband shelling out money for my family has gone on for quite a few years now.

Husband would "live together" with this friend(with what that phrase implies) even before we married. I would occasionally come to spend a weekend or a few days with my husband, at that time, I say this with complete truthfulness, I had no idea husband was doing this behind my back, or even with my financial situation, I would never consent to marry him.

Another guy used to live with husband, his friend in the place they then rented, that other guy(this is something I was aware of) used to spend a lot of his money getting prostitutes home every weekend. I was actually worried that husband(he was my boyfriend then) would cheat on me, because of this other guy's influence

I used to wonder why this guy doesn't get married if he's so sex mad, husband had laughingly said it was because he was negotiating the biggest dowry and salary. That was true anyway.

One day husband tells me that I can't come and spend the night anymore, as this friend has said that husband and his friend are (as this friend put it) a very corrupting influence, he had told his parents about us and his parents had warned him to stop living with such guys etc.

Husband and his friend said that they won't stay with this other guy any longer than required, and were looking for a new place.

I was shocked and surprised of course, because
1) What has husband's friend done?
2) Moreover, how can someone who sleeps with prostitutes every weekend be so holier than thou about a girlfriend who would soon be a wife anyway living in occasionally?

I told my husband that I can go and confront this guy rightaway about his double standards and hypocrisy, husband urgently stopped me, I had also said that I can call up this friend's parents and inform them that their son sleeps with call girls, husband was even more horrified, which surprised me.

After that, husband and friend moved out, but if we ever ran into this friend(quite a few times, in SG's small Indian circle, restaurants, movie theatres etc) husband and friend would never enter the hall, once they even missed a much needed bus because this guy was at the stop

Later I learnt from this guy, when I met him once at an event husband didn't attend that he had no issues about us living together, nor did his parents, he had issues with husband and friend living together, his parents claimed that would also pervert him etc.

I confronted husband, husband acknowledged this relationship, MIL is also aware of this.

So started the circle of asking for more money for my family, threatening husband with revealing this if he ever complained, shutting up in laws with this etc.

I had been debating leaving my husband for quite a few years now, but my financial situation was even worse earlier. Also as I have admitted, family then was even more in need of money(sibling can possibly be financially independent soon and they have also managed to have some savings now out of what was sent to them monthly) and I had hoped in time, relationship with friend would end.

Now I have seen that he is not only bi but immoral in other ways as well.

[bhurirav]

And I wonder if the OP's parents paid dowry to marry the guy

if she didn't, well, at least her husband was more civilised on that score.

Somehow asking for and getting divorce doesn't have the same stigma as before, agreed, but in the time during the completion of the paperwork, the girls do tend to earn the ire of the old and gold. After all, it is always 99.9% the fault of the woman, never the man. That's what a patriarchal society does to women. Modern enough to launch Satellites, but frowns on women who prove the men are wrong.

No dowry involved at all, and while my Uncle paid entirely for the wedding and a majority of the jewellery I wore(Indian brides prestige also depends on the amount of jewellery given to her at her marriage, childbirth etc) husband had bought me some stuff also to wear at the wedding. He also paid for the honeymoon and for mostly everything else since.

At that time I thought I was a very lucky girl, to get such a loving and noble husband

While it was a "love marriage" the fact that he was such a bright student with excellent prospects was also something I considered while I set my cap at him( I know I would be criticized for this again but that was how it was)- I had also stood by him before marriage through very tough circumstances, which I won't elaborate.

He was as much a "catch" for me and my parents, as this friend would have been for that other girl I spoke about.

That other girl, btw, is often lauded as a heroine in her hometown for "running away and exposing this family despite their wealth and status"

But as some others out here mention, if I leave without disclosing reasons, the majority of the blame will fall on me, and should I speak out, again while people will indeed believe the worst about my husband, I too would be seen as hypocritical, ungrateful and as bad as them.

[bhurirav]

Op did say that she was educated, I think the direction she would need to take is to get a job, send some money back to her parents, and save enough money to be financially independent.
Even a low paying job that fetches 3k is enough.. That's what a fresh graduate gets more or less.

I can get between 2.5 to 3 k maybe. Actually I know that I will be blamed again for this, but I wasn't very honest about husband's salary because of privacy reasons(I have been honest about everything else really) Husband gets between 16-19 times(not 10 times) what he sends to my house, so he falls in quite a high income bracket, and that is the lifestyle we enjoy.

As I said, as I am plain by Indian standards and probably by any other standard, not well off, can't earn much, not too young, I doubt I can easily land another such guy.

Also, I think I can definitely afford sending at least 300-400 SGD if I tough it out.

[bhurirav]

"Because our friends are having kids and think we're odd" is a supremely bad reason to decide to have a child, which is at least what you implied. Please don't do that, at least for the child's sake.

With 100% zero malice, you need to have some sensitivity to Indian culture, when you come out with suggestions.

Not when it comes to children. Yes, stipulated, there are parents who have children for very bad reasons, in India and around the world. Those reasons are still bad, and I'll say so without apology. Children and their welfare come first in my way of thinking. If that offends anybody, then deal with your own hangups yourself. Children are not at all like BMWs parked in your neighbors' driveways, and you get one (or a couple) because you too want a BMW (or whatever). This is not a contest.

I also really want children, for many reasons, not just the social pressure. It is important for my personal fulfilment.

[RoastBeefBaron]

So he married you because he's bi?

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

[bhurirav]

All others to whom I could not reply, please note that I have read your suggestions with interest and I do intend to act on them

[bhurirav]

So he married you because he's bi?

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

I think so, seeing how calculating he is in other aspects of his life, he probably wouldn't have married me had he been straight, would've shopped around for better looks, higher earning capacity, more family earning etc.

[x9200]

As I said, the nature of my education won't immediately permit me to get a highly paying job.

No normal job gives you high pay immediately so this is just a lame excuse.

[BBCWatcher]

So what's your plan?

[ecureilx]

As I said, as I am plain by Indian standards and probably by any other standard, not well off, can't earn much, not too young, I doubt I can easily land another such guy.

Also, I think I can definitely afford sending at least 300-400 SGD if I tough it out.

So you still plan to land another guy, i.e. find a man who will pay for your family Nice to know that where is that Strong, Independent woman that I read about in the news ?

I do know some cousins who were in not so similar predicament, who divorced, and are doing well on their own. Of course, they didn't have families who depended on their daughter's husband's salary to make a living.

BTW, if you are single, you can always get into the women's hostels, and pay much less for rental, unless you want to maintain the lifestyle of a outgoing lady, out the hunt

[GuyJean]

From all I have read I am wondering: Isn't moving away from the Indian community an option? It's not like you live in India so just move to "the other side of the island" and build a new friend circle? Especially if you go with the divorce option and start working somewhere.

Or isn't that as easily done as said?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[the lynx]

Will your family be understanding enough that you/your soon-to-be-ex will not be giving them money for 3-6 months while you find your ways to be independent?

[rajagainstthemachine]

As I said, the nature of my education won't immediately permit me to get a highly paying job.

No normal job gives you high pay immediately so this is just a lame excuse.

+1

[ecureilx]

Will your family be understanding enough that you/your soon-to-be-ex will not be giving them money for 3-6 months while you find your ways to be independent?

or go for broke and demand a lump sum payment during divorce ??

That may work, if the divorce takes place in Singapore.

A lump sum, so Miss here can take a break while looking to land another big fish, and enough money to keep the family back home happy, and all is fine.

Why didn't anybody think of that ?

[bhurirav]

[quote="PNGMK"
3. In my completely random way of thinking you would be best to convince your husband to move somewhere else where you can 1. Utilize your qualifications and earn more and 2. Undergo IVF or AI to have a child ASAP and 3. Sue him for divorce in a jurisdiction where common property laws apply. One state that comes to mind is California or perhaps even Australia.

[/quote]

Husband probably won't agree to quit SG, we have property in SG but I am not very aware of the laws in the state's you mention, whether I can get a share of the property there.
Have bought a condominium here in SG.