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Please help serious family problem Indian woman

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bhurirav
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Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby bhurirav » Fri, 25 Mar 2016 5:03 pm

Hello all,

I have come here hoping for some help and insight because I have nowhere else I can share these thoughts. I will keep a few details about my educational qualifications, job, family background private as I do not want anyone to find my real identity.

I am an Indian woman in my early 30's, married for more than half a decade. I met my now husband in my teens, I come from a very humble family background in India, he comes from an upper middle class family, he was then a student in a premier Indian institute, subsequently, to cut a long story short, we both found ourselves in SG, we are Permanent Residents, and have an extensive friend circle consisting of mostly my husband's friends from his Uni days, mostly PR's.

While I am highly qualified, due to the nature of my degree, I have been unable to land a well paying job, which will allow me to sustain the kind of lifestyle we are able to now afford in SG, and while it might sound materialistic and selfish, I have got used to this lifestyle.

Moreover, back home, my father is an alcoholic, mother not qualified & skilled enough to earn and sibling still pursuing education, and my husband sends significant money to my home each month, which runs my family back home. I as the eldest sibling, somehow feel its my duty to assist my family back home, even at the cost of my happiness and self respect.

My husband is bisexual and ashamed with his orientation, he is unwilling to start a family, this is now jarring in our social circle where most couples are already parents.

Moreover, my husband and his family have engaged in certain unethical acts which have been leaked into our circle, and people now doubt his orientation/ values and have a very poor opinion about us in SG, even worse in our ethnic city in India.

Husband had a very old friend who was from a very wealthy family, heir to extensive property but had a chromosomal problem which made it biologically impossible for him to produce a viable child, it also made him seem effeminate and girly at times.

This man, due to his sexual/reproductive issues, was depressed, uninterested in the opposite sex and my husband and his family, when they found out that he would not be capable of having heirs, had their eyes on his wealth for a pretty long time.

His parents, terrified his problems would be leaked around and people would come to know he was somehow malfunctioning from his mannerisms- had exiled him abroad, he also landed in SG.

However as he was growing well past marriageable age according to his family's standards, his jealous relatives and gossiping busybodies had begun whispering that he is gay or shemale, his parents wanted to get him married off. While the sensible course of action would be to choose some very poor girl like me and enter into a deal with her, or find a girl who herself had similar problems, they felt that such a girl would make it obvious that their son was abnormal as suspected and hence wanted to dupe an unsuspecting girl into this.

My MIL found a girl who she thought would be suitable for this, she was really pretty, extremely well educated, from a well to do family who felt that their daughter was a "catch" in the Indian arranged marriage market and were keen on a very good match. This girl also sounded very naive and childlike in her way of speaking and her parents extremely gentle and timid people, and MIL, hubby and this wealthy friend and his family felt she could be duped easily. The plan was that soon after the marriage, the friend would go off to another part of the world for his higher studies and remain elsewhere for many years, while this girl would stay in our house with a job, friend's parents would moan to all that she was very career obsessed and had been unwilling to start a family and later tell everyone she's developed gyneacological problems due to age(every wife in this friend's family have kids in their early twenties).

I hated this exploitative plan, and felt any sensible girl and family would figure it out, but I had to remain silent due to my need for money.

I had warned them repeatedly that any girl in her mid 20's, looking as she does and being as well educated and professionally successful as she was, would easily understand she's got herself into a very bad deal and would want out with big trouble for us, but they didn't listen.

Turns out, this girl had found him effeminate from the beginning and had been forced by her parents, who thought this friend was a brilliant "catch". Also turns out, friend's jealous relatives had tried to warn this girl's family from the beginning, through common friends, but no one had informed their family before the marriage.

Sure enough, when this guy announced his higher education plans in another country after marriage and his parents insisted the girl do this long distance drama, all hell broke loose, her timid parents became furious, she herself, who had suspected all along something was wrong with this guy, wanted out, her relatives finally revealed to her parents that they'd been told by his family members about his problems but they were wary of breaking off this supposedly brilliant alliance and hence hadn't spoken out etc.

His family had thought they'd manage to do some damage control by citing the reason as incompatibility, that the girl was mentally unstable etc, but the friend's family, who also had eyes on his wealth, and as this was ancestral wealth and they felt if he was fruitless, they should rightly inherit it, squarely supported the girl in our city. Also, this girl's educational and professional accomplishments, which were significant, the fact that while she did sound naive and innocent, did also sound intelligent, and good looking women always get sympathy and support, didn't make this mentally unstable story seem believable, while her husband's feminine mannerisms did make it seem likely that there was something wrong with him.

The girl too managed to get a hefty compensation, threatened to take a medical test of this guy, maligned him, his family and also my DH and his family as money hungry traffickers and more, spread word about my humble family background which I had always kept hidden.

The result is that our reputation is badly tarnished in our hometown, and while this rich friend has left SG, our friends suspect us of some sordid involvement in the whole thing, they'd never liked this rich friend, and on being exposed to his wealth back home, had always smelled a fish in his wanting to live in SG with an ordinary job when he could well live like a prince back home, had found him gay like in his mannerisms etc.

Its even worse in our hometown where people are stating all sorts of unpleasant stuff about us.

I do not love, respect my husband anymore and would end the marriage if I was financially independent and in a position to contribute to my family, which I am unfortunately not.

What should I do?

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby RoastBeefBaron » Fri, 25 Mar 2016 5:23 pm

bhurirav wrote:Hello all,

I have come here hoping for some help and insight because I have nowhere else I can share these thoughts. I will keep a few details about my educational qualifications, job, family background private as I do not want anyone to find my real identity.

I am an Indian woman in my early 30's, married for more than half a decade. I met my now husband in my teens, I come from a very humble family background in India, he comes from an upper middle class family, he was then a student in a premier Indian institute, subsequently, to cut a long story short, we both found ourselves in SG, we are Permanent Residents, and have an extensive friend circle consisting of mostly my husband's friends from his Uni days, mostly PR's.

While I am highly qualified, due to the nature of my degree, I have been unable to land a well paying job, which will allow me to sustain the kind of lifestyle we are able to now afford in SG, and while it might sound materialistic and selfish, I have got used to this lifestyle.

Moreover, back home, my father is an alcoholic, mother not qualified & skilled enough to earn and sibling still pursuing education, and my husband sends significant money to my home each month, which runs my family back home. I as the eldest sibling, somehow feel its my duty to assist my family back home, even at the cost of my happiness and self respect.

My husband is bisexual and ashamed with his orientation, he is unwilling to start a family, this is now jarring in our social circle where most couples are already parents.

Moreover, my husband and his family have engaged in certain unethical acts which have been leaked into our circle, and people now doubt his orientation/ values and have a very poor opinion about us in SG, even worse in our ethnic city in India.

Husband had a very old friend who was from a very wealthy family, heir to extensive property but had a chromosomal problem which made it biologically impossible for him to produce a viable child, it also made him seem effeminate and girly at times.

This man, due to his sexual/reproductive issues, was depressed, uninterested in the opposite sex and my husband and his family, when they found out that he would not be capable of having heirs, had their eyes on his wealth for a pretty long time.

His parents, terrified his problems would be leaked around and people would come to know he was somehow malfunctioning from his mannerisms- had exiled him abroad, he also landed in SG.

However as he was growing well past marriageable age according to his family's standards, his jealous relatives and gossiping busybodies had begun whispering that he is gay or shemale, his parents wanted to get him married off. While the sensible course of action would be to choose some very poor girl like me and enter into a deal with her, or find a girl who herself had similar problems, they felt that such a girl would make it obvious that their son was abnormal as suspected and hence wanted to dupe an unsuspecting girl into this.

My MIL found a girl who she thought would be suitable for this, she was really pretty, extremely well educated, from a well to do family who felt that their daughter was a "catch" in the Indian arranged marriage market and were keen on a very good match. This girl also sounded very naive and childlike in her way of speaking and her parents extremely gentle and timid people, and MIL, hubby and this wealthy friend and his family felt she could be duped easily. The plan was that soon after the marriage, the friend would go off to another part of the world for his higher studies and remain elsewhere for many years, while this girl would stay in our house with a job, friend's parents would moan to all that she was very career obsessed and had been unwilling to start a family and later tell everyone she's developed gyneacological problems due to age(every wife in this friend's family have kids in their early twenties).

I hated this exploitative plan, and felt any sensible girl and family would figure it out, but I had to remain silent due to my need for money.

I had warned them repeatedly that any girl in her mid 20's, looking as she does and being as well educated and professionally successful as she was, would easily understand she's got herself into a very bad deal and would want out with big trouble for us, but they didn't listen.

Turns out, this girl had found him effeminate from the beginning and had been forced by her parents, who thought this friend was a brilliant "catch". Also turns out, friend's jealous relatives had tried to warn this girl's family from the beginning, through common friends, but no one had informed their family before the marriage.

Sure enough, when this guy announced his higher education plans in another country after marriage and his parents insisted the girl do this long distance drama, all hell broke loose, her timid parents became furious, she herself, who had suspected all along something was wrong with this guy, wanted out, her relatives finally revealed to her parents that they'd been told by his family members about his problems but they were wary of breaking off this supposedly brilliant alliance and hence hadn't spoken out etc.

His family had thought they'd manage to do some damage control by citing the reason as incompatibility, that the girl was mentally unstable etc, but the friend's family, who also had eyes on his wealth, and as this was ancestral wealth and they felt if he was fruitless, they should rightly inherit it, squarely supported the girl in our city. Also, this girl's educational and professional accomplishments, which were significant, the fact that while she did sound naive and innocent, did also sound intelligent, and good looking women always get sympathy and support, didn't make this mentally unstable story seem believable, while her husband's feminine mannerisms did make it seem likely that there was something wrong with him.

The girl too managed to get a hefty compensation, threatened to take a medical test of this guy, maligned him, his family and also my DH and his family as money hungry traffickers and more, spread word about my humble family background which I had always kept hidden.

The result is that our reputation is badly tarnished in our hometown, and while this rich friend has left SG, our friends suspect us of some sordid involvement in the whole thing, they'd never liked this rich friend, and on being exposed to his wealth back home, had always smelled a fish in his wanting to live in SG with an ordinary job when he could well live like a prince back home, had found him gay like in his mannerisms etc.

Its even worse in our hometown where people are stating all sorts of unpleasant stuff about us.

I do not love, respect my husband anymore and would end the marriage if I was financially independent and in a position to contribute to my family, which I am unfortunately not.

What should I do?


Interesting story. I can understand your predicament - talk about being between a rock and a hard place. One question - does your husband recognise that the plan he hatched with his friend was a bit mean and immoral? Are you wanting to divorce him because he didn't seem to think what he did was wrong? Or is it more about his bisexuality?

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby bhurirav » Fri, 25 Mar 2016 6:54 pm

RoastBeefBaron wrote:Interesting story. I can understand your predicament - talk about being between a rock and a hard place. One question - does your husband recognise that the plan he hatched with his friend was a bit mean and immoral? Are you wanting to divorce him because he didn't seem to think what he did was wrong? Or is it more about his bisexuality?

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk


Husband and his family have no sense of morality :( It was of course mean and immoral, this girl was exceptionally fond of children, as she later would go around saying, on this ground of never being a mom, forget this wealthy friend, she would leave even Bill Gates. India still has a big stigma of divorce, although its more common nowadays, and her family is traditional, she had always been the "star" of her family, beautiful, accomplished and wealthy, done everything right in her life, and married into a much wealthier and renowned old money family, she was so unwilling to go through this "failure" as she perceived it that she said she would be okay with this friend's sexual and other issues, if only they had agreed to a child via donor sperm, but the friend's family is equally mean, they don't want to raise any children not their own, they want to donate everything they have to charity. :mad: So sure were they of their twisted plans success that they didn't even contemplate that they girl would find it all out and within a few months.

The girl's parents threw her an extremely lavish wedding, gave her tonnes of jewellery etc and although I'm sure she will eventually remarry and have kids, it was still a wrong thing to do to her and her parents.

I want to divorce him because of both reasons- what he did was wrong and mean, he had no right to play around with another family's life like this, and his bisexuality seems like the last straw.

Also, this is a lesser reason, but I can't stand the contempt this situation has created for us in our city in India and to a lesser extent in SG, which will only get worse as time goes by.

India does have divorces nowadays, but people often do remarry and have a family, we have friends who are divorced but have gone on to have successful marriages and kids, but as this wealthy friend is unmanly looking, not interested in a normal sexual life and incapable of fatherhood or alternatives like sperm donation/adoption, its difficult to imagine him ever remarrying and reproducing, so the stigma on him will remain, and so will the stigma on us. :(

Sorry for the long posts RoastBeefBaron and thank you for your interest and understanding my predicament, I cannot even share all this with my family back home, they will be very saddened to learn of my DH's bisexuality and unethical behavior, I had a love marriage(Indian term lol) and whatever other problems my family faces, they at least feel delighted in the knowledge that their SIL is a "gem"(as they believe :( ).

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby bhurirav » Fri, 25 Mar 2016 9:50 pm

Others,
any others suggestions and viewpoints would also be much appreciated.
I might be able to land a good job if I move back to India, it's a big country & there's a good possibility I might find better employment somewhere but it will still not pay well enough to sustain myself and support my family in the standard they've got used to.
I might also be able to negotiate a decent alimony if I divorce, but that's uncertain and honestly it would be unfair to DH that after all these years where he supported me & my family back home financially I leave him now with alimony.
My mom comes from a generation where Indian women were educated but not professionally qualified & while she's tried her hand at various occupations, none has really paid well. Sibling as I mentioned is yet to get established and unmarried and a divorced elder sister might seriously negatively impact sibling's chances in the Indian "marriage market"(while a happily married elder sister and very well educated BIL employed abroad will brighten chances and help downplay father's lack of employment )
My father didn't even spend on my wedding my uncle spent on the wedding and bridal jewellery & now if I return home to India it will all go down the drain.

My mom who I love dearly will be shattered, I have always prided myself on being able to remove my family's financial burden- I lack much knowledge of legal matters and when I will finally get a divorce in my mid 30's, as I am plain looking, don't earn much, family's poor, my remarriage chances are slim as well. I certainly won't get anywhere near the type of husband I have now. Sounds selfish but it's become something of a prestige issue for me.

My in laws too, besides being scheming people as mentioned above, have often been mean to me, when I criticized them once for this unfair plan, they rebuked me for being incapable of earning enough compared to some other wives in SG, they often privately make disparaging remarks about my lack of earning ability and poor family and say I've "trapped" their son. :x

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby JR8 » Fri, 25 Mar 2016 11:25 pm

bhurirav wrote:
RoastBeefBaron wrote:Interesting story. I can understand your predicament - talk about being between a rock and a hard place. One question - does your husband recognise that the plan he hatched with his friend was a bit mean and immoral? Are you wanting to divorce him because he didn't seem to think what he did was wrong? Or is it more about his bisexuality?

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk


Husband and his family have no sense of morality :( It was of course mean and immoral, this girl was exceptionally fond of children, as she later would go around saying, on this ground of never being a mom, forget this wealthy friend, she would leave even Bill Gates. India still has a big stigma of divorce, although its more common nowadays, and her family is traditional, she had always been the "star" of her family, beautiful, accomplished and wealthy, done everything right in her life, and married into a much wealthier and renowned old money family, she was so unwilling to go through this "failure" as she perceived it that she said she would be okay with this friend's sexual and other issues, if only they had agreed to a child via donor sperm, but the friend's family is equally mean, they don't want to raise any children not their own, they want to donate everything they have to charity. :mad: So sure were they of their twisted plans success that they didn't even contemplate that they girl would find it all out and within a few months.

The girl's parents threw her an extremely lavish wedding, gave her tonnes of jewellery etc and although I'm sure she will eventually remarry and have kids, it was still a wrong thing to do to her and her parents.

I want to divorce him because of both reasons- what he did was wrong and mean, he had no right to play around with another family's life like this, and his bisexuality seems like the last straw.

Also, this is a lesser reason, but I can't stand the contempt this situation has created for us in our city in India and to a lesser extent in SG, which will only get worse as time goes by.

India does have divorces nowadays, but people often do remarry and have a family, we have friends who are divorced but have gone on to have successful marriages and kids, but as this wealthy friend is unmanly looking, not interested in a normal sexual life and incapable of fatherhood or alternatives like sperm donation/adoption, its difficult to imagine him ever remarrying and reproducing, so the stigma on him will remain, and so will the stigma on us. :(

Sorry for the long posts RoastBeefBaron and thank you for your interest and understanding my predicament, I cannot even share all this with my family back home, they will be very saddened to learn of my DH's bisexuality and unethical behavior, I had a love marriage(Indian term lol) and whatever other problems my family faces, they at least feel delighted in the knowledge that their SIL is a "gem"(as they believe :( ).


bhurirav wrote:Others,
any others suggestions and viewpoints would also be much appreciated.
I might be able to land a good job if I move back to India, it's a big country & there's a good possibility I might find better employment somewhere but it will still not pay well enough to sustain myself and support my family in the standard they've got used to.
I might also be able to negotiate a decent alimony if I divorce, but that's uncertain and honestly it would be unfair to DH that after all these years where he supported me & my family back home financially I leave him now with alimony.
My mom comes from a generation where Indian women were educated but not professionally qualified & while she's tried her hand at various occupations, none has really paid well. Sibling as I mentioned is yet to get established and unmarried and a divorced elder sister might seriously negatively impact sibling's chances in the Indian "marriage market"(while a happily married elder sister and very well educated BIL employed abroad will brighten chances and help downplay father's lack of employment )
My father didn't even spend on my wedding my uncle spent on the wedding and bridal jewellery & now if I return home to India it will all go down the drain.

My mom who I love dearly will be shattered, I have always prided myself on being able to remove my family's financial burden- I lack much knowledge of legal matters and when I will finally get a divorce in my mid 30's, as I am plain looking, don't earn much, family's poor, my remarriage chances are slim as well. I certainly won't get anywhere near the type of husband I have now. Sounds selfish but it's become something of a prestige issue for me.

My in laws too, besides being scheming people as mentioned above, have often been mean to me, when I criticized them once for this unfair plan, they rebuked me for being incapable of earning enough compared to some other wives in SG, they often privately make disparaging remarks about my lack of earning ability and poor family and say I've "trapped" their son. :x


I got lost in how you seem to describe someone else's marriage, but then to be in an 'apparent' parallel predicament yourself...

I've been through divorce and was surprised how my family (against my strong expectations) rallied fully behind me. That said that wasn't within the context of an arranged marriage and so on, but serious expectations from the family were still present.

What I do feel though is if you having considered things carefully and with a cool head, and conclude you can't go on then what ever the challenges ahead you have to consider no.1 before anybody else.

p.s. Does your family member/s who steered you towards this guy know that he's... er, probably gay?
'Do it or do not do it: You will regret both' - Kierkegaard

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby bhurirav » Fri, 25 Mar 2016 11:59 pm

@JR8,

Actually what happened with this other girl just made me realize how wicked, immoral and yes, even stupid my husband & in laws really are, this other guy, whose wife ran away in less than a year, is obviously effeminate in his mannerisms, he's been ragged very badly in the past by people who thought he was gay and not coming out, multiple people have told us( our friends, who know this guy through us) that he seemed girly at times, whenever he danced(mostly after some drinking) we've had multiple people telling us something along the lines of "Ewww... does a man dance like that.?"
We also knew very well that the man was incapable of fatherhood & rather than considering alternatives they wanted to dupe a girl and her family and ultimately blame it all on her, the girl was the apple of her parents eye and both she and her parents had very strong expectations of children, unlike me she was younger, prettier, much better off and likelier to get a high paying job, yet my husband and his family conned her family into this sort of incomplete marriage, where her very education and accomplishments would ultimately be used to claim that she had wasted precious child bearing years on pursuing a career, did not "choose" to accompany her husband to another country as she was career driven and then finally blame the lack of children on her becoming too old.

This girl had claimed that she didn't have any boyfriends before(and in India such girls do exist, even in their mid 20's though they're becoming much rarer nowadays) but of course we had no way to "verify" this and my husband and this wealthy friend thought that she'd be the best possible candidate for fooling.

Even if she didn't have much of a romantic past(doubtful) she'd probably have seen enough "normal " men to find him emasculated and with this artificially enforced long distance story for higher education, she'd definitely raise hell, so would her family, which they did.

No one exactly steered me towards this guy, I met him at a family function in my teens(this other girl had an arranged marriage, actively plotted by my husband and in laws with an ulterior motive), but my parents were of course delighted when we I and the man I eventually married got serious and finally decided to marry, because of his academic and professional accomplishments and his better off family.

They do not know either his sexual orientation or his treacherous and money grabbing worldview, but they would be devastated if they did- and although I'm sure they'd support me like yours did, my situation is complicated by my lack of earning capacity, poor family background, unmarried sibling and Indian stigma of divorce and difficulty of a divorcee of my age in getting a suitable partner to remarry.

Also as I've stated, whatever my feelings for my husband now, he did support my family financially tremendously all these years, my mom and sibling(and me) had a very hard time with my father's alcoholism & joblessness, till my husband started sending 1000-1500 SGD monthly to my home, this translates to big money in INR, if my mom and sibling have managed to have a decent lifestyle and have all of life's necesseties all these years, it's only due to this money, I am grateful for that. He has also not revealed details of my family's economic plight to others.

When my sibling gets married, probably soon, rather than turning to my uncle again for financial assistance, I know I can get my husband to pay for this wedding which will spare my mom the humiliation of being indebted to my Uncle again.

Many Indian sons & some daughters in SG support their parents husband has friends who pay for their parents annual/biannual round trips to SG and take them on a yearly holiday to nearby foreign locations, my in laws are self sufficient and its my family who are supported by my husband.

In fact, and please don't judge me on this I am human like everyone else, I have in the recent past managed to extract even more for myself and my family by threatening to expose their whole role in this wealthy friend's fiasco, and my mom and sibling could enjoy some more benefits.

A divorce would not just mean ingratitude towards my husband for all the money he's ever given my family, it would cut off a very vital sources of future funds for them and as stated, I am unlikely to find any guy I could potentially remarry remotely similar to this one in status, something I've both got used to and need for myself and my family.

However I have no love or esteem for my husband anymore because of reasons stated in previous posts.

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby bhurirav » Sat, 26 Mar 2016 4:29 am

So please suggest everyone who reads this thread, what should I do?
Divorce or not?
If I do divorce how do I go about rebuilding my life?
Return to my hometown first as my salary here is very meagre?
How do I explain my situation to my mom and sibling and cope with their reaction?
In the event I am unable to rebuild a similar standard of living and remarry suitably, both very likely scenarios, will I live to regret my decision forever?
The best way to claim more alimony, as I see it, is to blackmail my husband that I will reveal his involvement with this friend's matter, he will in all probability be terrified of the publicity & worse consequences(he will sink completely in the opinion of all we know in SG & stuff will be even worse back home as all the relatives of this friend will be baying for his blood as he had dared to set his sight on wealth and property which rightfully should be theirs).
But will this be morally right given all he's done for me and my family over the years?
And what explanation for the divorce do I give to our SG acquaintances if not the whole truth?

AAAARRRGGHH!!!!

Sometimes I really envy this other girl, she didn't have any of the family difficulties or financial constrains I face and her chances of future matrimony too are much brighter- how stupid to suppose she'd have stayed given her circumstances and yet,how difficult it is for me to leave.

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby JR8 » Sat, 26 Mar 2016 5:22 pm

bhurirav wrote:@JR8,

Actually what happened with this other girl just made me realize how wicked, immoral and yes, even stupid my husband & in laws really are, this other guy, whose wife ran away in less than a year, is obviously effeminate in his mannerisms, he's been ragged very badly in the past by people who thought he was gay and not coming out, multiple people have told us( our friends, who know this guy through us) that he seemed girly at times, whenever he danced(mostly after some drinking) we've had multiple people telling us something along the lines of "Ewww... does a man dance like that.?"
We also knew very well that the man was incapable of fatherhood & rather than considering alternatives they wanted to dupe a girl and her family and ultimately blame it all on her, the girl was the apple of her parents eye and both she and her parents had very strong expectations of children, unlike me she was younger, prettier, much better off and likelier to get a high paying job, yet my husband and his family conned her family into this sort of incomplete marriage, where her very education and accomplishments would ultimately be used to claim that she had wasted precious child bearing years on pursuing a career, did not "choose" to accompany her husband to another country as she was career driven and then finally blame the lack of children on her becoming too old.

This girl had claimed that she didn't have any boyfriends before(and in India such girls do exist, even in their mid 20's though they're becoming much rarer nowadays) but of course we had no way to "verify" this and my husband and this wealthy friend thought that she'd be the best possible candidate for fooling.

Even if she didn't have much of a romantic past(doubtful) she'd probably have seen enough "normal " men to find him emasculated and with this artificially enforced long distance story for higher education, she'd definitely raise hell, so would her family, which they did.

No one exactly steered me towards this guy, I met him at a family function in my teens(this other girl had an arranged marriage, actively plotted by my husband and in laws with an ulterior motive), but my parents were of course delighted when we I and the man I eventually married got serious and finally decided to marry, because of his academic and professional accomplishments and his better off family.

They do not know either his sexual orientation or his treacherous and money grabbing worldview, but they would be devastated if they did- and although I'm sure they'd support me like yours did, my situation is complicated by my lack of earning capacity, poor family background, unmarried sibling and Indian stigma of divorce and difficulty of a divorcee of my age in getting a suitable partner to remarry.

Also as I've stated, whatever my feelings for my husband now, he did support my family financially tremendously all these years, my mom and sibling(and me) had a very hard time with my father's alcoholism & joblessness, till my husband started sending 1000-1500 SGD monthly to my home, this translates to big money in INR, if my mom and sibling have managed to have a decent lifestyle and have all of life's necesseties all these years, it's only due to this money, I am grateful for that. He has also not revealed details of my family's economic plight to others.

When my sibling gets married, probably soon, rather than turning to my uncle again for financial assistance, I know I can get my husband to pay for this wedding which will spare my mom the humiliation of being indebted to my Uncle again.

Many Indian sons & some daughters in SG support their parents husband has friends who pay for their parents annual/biannual round trips to SG and take them on a yearly holiday to nearby foreign locations, my in laws are self sufficient and its my family who are supported by my husband.

In fact, and please don't judge me on this I am human like everyone else, I have in the recent past managed to extract even more for myself and my family by threatening to expose their whole role in this wealthy friend's fiasco, and my mom and sibling could enjoy some more benefits.

A divorce would not just mean ingratitude towards my husband for all the money he's ever given my family, it would cut off a very vital sources of future funds for them and as stated, I am unlikely to find any guy I could potentially remarry remotely similar to this one in status, something I've both got used to and need for myself and my family.

However I have no love or esteem for my husband anymore because of reasons stated in previous posts.


bhurirav wrote:So please suggest everyone who reads this thread, what should I do?
Divorce or not?
If I do divorce how do I go about rebuilding my life?
Return to my hometown first as my salary here is very meagre?
How do I explain my situation to my mom and sibling and cope with their reaction?
In the event I am unable to rebuild a similar standard of living and remarry suitably, both very likely scenarios, will I live to regret my decision forever?
The best way to claim more alimony, as I see it, is to blackmail my husband that I will reveal his involvement with this friend's matter, he will in all probability be terrified of the publicity & worse consequences(he will sink completely in the opinion of all we know in SG & stuff will be even worse back home as all the relatives of this friend will be baying for his blood as he had dared to set his sight on wealth and property which rightfully should be theirs).
But will this be morally right given all he's done for me and my family over the years?
And what explanation for the divorce do I give to our SG acquaintances if not the whole truth?

AAAARRRGGHH!!!!

Sometimes I really envy this other girl, she didn't have any of the family difficulties or financial constrains I face and her chances of future matrimony too are much brighter- how stupid to suppose she'd have stayed given her circumstances and yet,how difficult it is for me to leave.


Seems to me that in your culture individuals don't marry, families do. Also seems money and status are your personal priorities. I can't relate to any of that. And with talk of blackmail... I'm out.

p.s. I'd suggest you try and find a discussion group pitched at your circumstances. There are hundreds of Google Groups re: every demographic iteration of divorce you can think of. Finding one that at least relates to the Sub-Con and all the various x-family obligations is the path I'd follow...
'Do it or do not do it: You will regret both' - Kierkegaard

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby PNGMK » Sat, 26 Mar 2016 8:51 pm

Bhur;

A few random points:

1. In Singapore a failure on the part of one party in a marriage to disclose information related to their ability to consummate or provide children can be grounds for annulment. This is not a divorce; just a cancellation of the marriage as though it never occurred. I'm assuming your husband is incapable of penetration or ejaculation and hence you could argue he has never consummated the marriage as evidenced by the lack of children.
2. $1000 pm is not a lot to send back. That's less than half of the child support I pay in Singapore. Your husband isn't rich in my books and not at all by high income earning Singaporeans - even some single women I know here earn >$10,000 PM and they are certainly not doctors or lawyers etc. Don't set your sights too low!
3. In my completely random way of thinking you would be best to convince your husband to move somewhere else where you can 1. Utilize your qualifications and earn more and 2. Undergo IVF or AI to have a child ASAP and 3. Sue him for divorce in a jurisdiction where common property laws apply. One state that comes to mind is California or perhaps even Australia. Go somewhere where there aren't a bunch of Indians already if that is possible.

I had an Indian national employee (Male) who had chromosomal issues and he transitioned to being a woman. While he can't have children as a woman he is much happier as a woman and is well accepted in Singapore. Perhaps your DH fate will be the same one day when you have secured your finances and can release him from his chains.
I have gay, black, Asian friends and then JR8.

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby rajagainstthemachine » Sat, 26 Mar 2016 10:44 pm

subject A: woman, early 30's married 5+ years, PR, middle class
parents: require financial assistance, alcoholic dad
spouse B : PR, upper middle class, bisexual ,
B's friend ( X) : heir to extensive property, effeminate, possibly impotent and gay, also in SG
B's parents: want to get hands on X's property, try to find X a girl(Y)
Y: educated/well to do.
B parents eventually marry X & Y, hatch plan to seperate X & Y and then blame Y for X's problems
X tells Y intention to leave SG
Y's parents find out plan/furious
X's parents try to cover up, X's relatives support Y instead, Y gets compensated, marriage possibly over?
A & B's social circle in SG blame A & B for this mess, incl B's parents, ridicule X for being gay.
A wants a divorce from B
B however supports A & A's family.
A has a sister C
C needs to get married but can't afford to.
A wants B to finance C's marriage
A also wants to blackmail B for various reasons to extort money
A has self esteem issues over divorce, social stigma

conclusion: a clusterfck of affairs in which

B's family tried to freak X's life and Y's life
A wants to freak B's life using blackmail & divorce while at the same time using him for his money to maintain lifestyle,parental
support and to marry off younger sister C
A & B have a poor social circle in Singapore who have tried to Mock X for being gay and effeminate
Y was smart and sensible to get out this situation.

all of these people are sick, disgusting and twisted individuals and they more or less represent the "moral fabric" of India
just disgusted to read this whole thread, all of you should just die in a fire
To get there early is on time and showing up on time is late

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby bhurirav » Sun, 27 Mar 2016 3:41 am

JR8 wrote:Seems to me that in your culture individuals don't marry, families do. Also seems money and status are your personal priorities. I can't relate to any of that. And with talk of blackmail... I'm out.

p.s. I'd suggest you try and find a discussion group pitched at your circumstances. There are hundreds of Google Groups re: every demographic iteration of divorce you can think of. Finding one that at least relates to the Sub-Con and all the various x-family obligations is the path I'd follow...


I'm not such a sordid individual as you and some others are trying to portray... I have some compulsions and weaknesses

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ecureilx
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Re: RE: Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby ecureilx » Sun, 27 Mar 2016 2:29 pm

bhurirav wrote:
JR8 wrote:Seems to me that in your culture individuals don't marry, families do. Also seems money and status are your personal priorities. I can't relate to any of that. And with talk of blackmail... I'm out.

p.s. I'd suggest you try and find a discussion group pitched at your circumstances. There are hundreds of Google Groups re: every demographic iteration of divorce you can think of. Finding one that at least relates to the Sub-Con and all the various x-family obligations is the path I'd follow...


I'm not such a sordid individual as you and some others are trying to portray... I have some compulsions and weaknesses



rajagainstthemachine wrote:all of these people are sick, disgusting and twisted individuals and they more or less represent the "moral fabric" of India
just disgusted to read this whole thread, all of you should just die in a fire



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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby BBCWatcher » Sun, 27 Mar 2016 6:44 pm

PNGMK wrote:I'm assuming your husband is incapable of penetration or ejaculation and hence you could argue he has never consummated the marriage as evidenced by the lack of children.

That's quite an assumption! Does "bisexual" have a different meaning in India? The ordinary meaning is sexual attraction to members of both sexes. Truly bisexual individuals rarely have issues consummating marriages to spouses of either sex.

However, to expand on your original point, annulments in Singapore come in two basic types. A void marriage doesn't appear to be an option. (An underage or incestuous marriage would be examples.) However, Section 106 of the Singapore Women's Charter describes the grounds for a voidable marriage. "Non-consummation due to inability" and "non-consummation due to refusal" are valid grounds. The former can be initiated by either party, while the latter must be initiated by the willing spouse (the spouse who did not refuse). But it's a gigantic leap to assume "bisexual" means "non-consummation."

Annulments are different than divorces under the law in Singapore. Whether they are different in the eyes of friends and family members -- or so-called friends and family members -- is up to those individuals.

I agree with Rajagainstthemachine's sentiments only in the sense that, if you're going to be happy in life, you probably have to disengage from miserable (and miserable behaving) people. In other words, the original poster might be in dire need of more than one divorce, so to speak.

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby PNGMK » Mon, 28 Mar 2016 8:21 am

BBC; perhaps you're right - the OP's posting was a well of text and I may have mistaken bisexual for chromosomal issues. Regardless 'annulment' might offer her a slightly less painful escape. Commonly used in the Philippines because the church won't allow divorces....
I have gay, black, Asian friends and then JR8.

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Re: Please help serious family problem Indian woman

Postby ecureilx » Mon, 28 Mar 2016 8:59 am

PNGMK wrote:BBC; perhaps you're right - the OP's posting was a well of text and I may have mistaken bisexual for chromosomal issues. Regardless 'annulment' might offer her a slightly less painful escape. Commonly used in the Philippines because the church won't allow divorces....


With apologies in advance to you and BBC.

I suspect the OP was looking for a way out of her Moral dilemma.

She is NOT looking for legal advice, and well, her story is not totally off, in India. I heard of similar stories, and the movie "FIRE" featuring Shabna Azmi was not fiction after all, I am convinced of that.

I don't recall OP saying where she got married, so suggestion about Divorce in Singapore is moot, if she got married in India. Divorces can go on for years in India, if one of the parties has sufficient money to delay Justice.

And PNGMK, since you mentioned PH, did you know transmission of communicable disease can be used as a reason to fast track divorce in Philippines ? ;)

The movie FIRE https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fire_%281996_film%29


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Last edited by ecureilx on Mon, 28 Mar 2016 9:15 am, edited 1 time in total.


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