PR approved, but I don't need it anymore WTF!!!???

[ecureilx]

Squirrel, the three talaks (with or without witness) are there for admissibility to syariah court for intention to divorce. Doesn't mean anything to the duration of the divorce proceedings.

That's why I said 'in front of a judge' ... In Singapore context .. as I seen it before ..

[Sergei82]

...

Yes, JR8, you're extremely close to what happened to me. Was yours also Malay? (as far as I remember, you married several times)

[JR8]

Yes, JR8, you're extremely close to what happened to me. Was yours also Malay? (as far as I remember, you married several times)

Just the twice First one American (Anglo-Saxon roots).

My current wife is one of the most laid-back easy going people I've ever met, and I can say that with confidence as it's been 5+ years since we got married. Ironically, given your situation, my wife is of majority Malay extraction...

All I'm trying to say is, there really is hope, and you can and will get through this and get the relationship that you deserve... it might not feel like it now, but it will happen.

If you're as sure as sure can be (without a formal clinical diagnosis), of what the specific issue is, then you might want to start following the relevant Yahoo group, as linked. Or search for other discussion groups for the issue, there are many out there. I found doing that gave me an instant mutual support network. A whole bunch of people I could tell my story to, and the replies would flow in 'Yep, that sounds about right, mine did that too, and that, and...'. And then in my case there'll be discussion of 'exit tactics', which was veeeery useful to me indeed. It's easier when you know you are not alone, and it's happened or happening to others too.

Good luck!

[Sergei82]

Yes, I know she is stupid and inadequate. Actually I'm not interested in her diagnosis (maybe curious, but only when I have free time going forward), me myself should've thought better before getting together with her. Unfortunately neither Allah (as I was advised) nor support groups will help me with lots of chores before moving to Hong Kong, so keeping myself busy helps best. At least, JR8, you disproved my Malay girls stereotype.

P.S.: I have to microchip my cat twice (once done already - for moving out of Singapore, 2nd microchip - Hong Kong-specific). I wonder, does phrase "my cat has 2 microchips in it" sound weird or unusual?

[Wd40]

Dammit Sergei, you've packed more into one year than most of us experience in 20!

If it's any comfort, somewhere a sub-continental masters holder (from a reputed university) is insanely jealous of you right now...

Our lubrication friend must be wondering what is going on as well!!!

Yeah, this is not my subject area, completely Mars territory to me. I am better off in the "interesting currency moves" thread

For some reason, I saw this thread only now. After I started using tapatalk, I find that I respond to the forum only on notifications to the threads in which I participate, also I have been quite busy in office lately, which explains it.

Sergei, good you cut your losses early and wish you good luck ahead in HK!

[JR8]

@Sergei
If you can cut and walk away, uncontested, then brilliant for you, that would be a huge blessing. But if you sense there's a risk that when you mention the D-word (divorce) there'll be WW3 and that she's going to come and make you pay for that, big-time, it would be wise to have some idea what to expect beforehand, as much as a PITA going into all of that is... maybe something just to keep at the back of your mind whilst you make exit preparations.

[nanana]

hi Sergei82,
I hope you are coping well with all that is going on in your life now...if you need someone to talk to or counselling sessions, i can recommend you to the group that I went to. The group meetings are facilitated by qualified counselors for people who are going through divorce. So, you can talk to them about your problems....emotions...etc. I certainly find it helpful to talk it out with people who are in the same boat and non-judgemental. and YES, it is absolutely FREE. They will also screen through all the participants to make sure that you genuinely need help instead of someone who is trying to take advantage of others who are emotionally vulnerable.

Do PM me if you need more info about the group.

take care.

[ecureilx]

They will also screen through all the participants to make sure that you genuinely need help instead of someone who is trying to take advantage of others who are emotionally vulnerable.

LOL, take advantage of vulnerable ? that's a pretty normal day in SG .. in most cases .. or instead of receiving counseling I have seen a few start dishing out their own version of counseling ..

And the simplest way of achieving that was apparently her going a f'ing her boss and then a neighbour, and making it pretty obvious that's what she'd done. Absolutely amazing!

Long long time ago, I had a gf like that .. amazingly I never realised it was her form of psychological warfare and did achieve in her objective of making me guilty for her actions and making my life miserable.. till I woke up one day !!

You learn and make sure you dont repeat the mistakes, is my life lesson !!

[Sergei82]

Unfortunately, I had something similar when I was living in Korea. Different details, in general both cases look alike. Both bitches are very pretty. Except this time I fell into marriage...

Fortunately, the marriage was short, so nothing in my life depends on her. Neither my stay in Singapore, nor house rent. She is trying to dragonize my landlord because there is nothing else she can do to me (I blocked her phone finally - I can't stand her nonsense anymore) ~ "he lost his job, I need to warn you!", "I know he is going to HK (told in Arqam during separate pre-divorce session - I don't want to see her and talk to her anymore, feels easier like this) - inform me if he changes his lease, I need him to stay in Singapore before we got formal divorce!" etc. Landlord expressed her condolences to me and wonders how that woman can be a teacher in school at all, I advised my landlord to ignore it. What else she can do? Nothing. I have everything settled already with everybody and everywhere. She is just mad at the whole world. The best thing I can do now is to let her boil in her own anger.

Btw, within over 2 years of us being together this is the 5th time she is abandoning me. Always she destroys everything that ties us together, leaves, when all gone she immediately starts to regret, comes back... This was the reason I broke up with her a year ago for 2 months (habit of running away!). It should have stayed like that. This time it is a lot more serious, I don't regret anything, she humiliated me in person multiple times, she also publicly humiliated me recently. I'm out!

[JR8]

LOL, take advantage of vulnerable ? that's a pretty normal day in SG .. in most cases .. or instead of receiving counseling I have seen a few start dishing out their own version of counseling ..

Lol ... If such a group is moderated, the moderator should spot that a mile off, and if it’s ‘unhealthy’ put an end to it. You’re dealing with a group of hurt and at that point in time vulnerable people, the last thing you need is more s*** being piled on...

Long long time ago, I had a gf like that .. amazingly I never realised it was her form of psychological warfare and did achieve in her objective of making me guilty for her actions and making my life miserable.. till I woke up one day !! You learn and make sure you dont repeat the mistakes, is my life lesson !!

I’d go as far as to suggest most people know or have known someone with a personality disorder. It’s curious that we never get taught a basic overview on them in school; it would surely empower people for later life. Instead there seems to be much more emphasis on knowledge of more tangible matters rather than ‘Know Thyself’ (one of the ancient Greece philosopher Plato’s maxims). Thus it is usual to leave school and be released into the world, an innocent.

I think there is also an element of gender-expectations within it. Girls seem to spend much time considering the micro-details of inter-personal relationships. Boys on the other hand are taught to ‘just get on with things’ and not bother with moods/reasons, the reasons people do things matters much less, and consideration of it is ‘girlie, and unmanly or 'gay'’. Also there is a significant culture (well, in ‘the West’) not to stigmatise people by putting a lable on their behaviour. So rather than having a diagnosable personality disorder, their behaviour, even at the extremes of the scale, is explained as [say] ‘unpredicable mood swings’, or ‘thrill seeking’, or ‘self-destructive’, or ‘incredibly vain’, or ‘attention seeking’, and so on. Most people aren’t taught about PDs, and certainly most men are positively disinterested about learning about them (at least until they find themselves one day having to). ‘What do I care, I can spot a mental person a mile off!?’. Yes but if there are ‘50 shades of grey, there are 1,000 shades of personality’, and being able to reasonably identify the more toxic end of the scales* is going to simplify later life, and potentially save you a whole heap of s***.

Many of us will have heard of ADHD (Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder), and Shizophrenia (‘schizoaffective disorder’), but that’s likely because the big drugs companies have an interest in selling products to control it. Certainly in the case of ADHD, and it’s treatment with Ritalin*1 manufactured by Novartis, the latter have a direct interest in as many people as possible being diagnosed with ADHD. When this conjoins with parents of naturally boisterous teenagers, who really just wish their children would ‘give them a break some days!’, the ready market is set and made. Suddenly many parents have a useful way to explain their tyrant children’s behaviour; ‘Oh he’s got ADHD, the doctor prescribed him Ritalin for it’, is simpler and more socially acceptable than explaining ‘Yes he’s a little monster, that’s because we’re so tired at the end of a workday we can’t be bothered trying to control him (i.e. poor parenting skills)’.

In some ways the taboo of this field reminds me of the matter of the generally little understood field of body language. Not that it’s taboo, it’s just not taught unless you study psychology or human behaviour. I imagine we can all spot a fake smile, or the significance of if we are talking to someone, during which they cross their arms, and shift their gaze from your face, towards some distant point (feigning disinterest, as part of social negotiation or power-play). Or, when someone is chatting, and then they move their hand to their face, often their chin or lower lip, or nose (an indicator of not telling the entire truth). How about, you go to say a drinks reception, or party, and you are introduced to someone new. For a starter the feet will position themselves, towards you and open at say ninety degrees (a sign of interest) bodes well, at least for starters. The opening discussion is often quite ego-driven, in that you have to discover not only what to chat about of mutual interest, but also on what level to relate to that person. There is a social pecking order, and social hierarchy, and further conversation needs to rapidly determine the relative position of both. Hence the most common opening question beyond exchanging names is ‘And what do you do?’. Bang, having processed that, you can now with reasonable certainty begin pigeon-holing a person. What follows then often is a form of role-play. The banking-IT intern will defer hugely to the director of a bank, even if they are the same age, as is expected of their relative status. The non-working wife of a middling FT is likely not going to make friends (in her own right) with a female director of an airline or software company (etc); often simply verbalised as ‘We’ve little/nothing in common’.

This matter of ego and ‘social position’ leads on to the visual displays of it, the public signalling of it. The Hermes tie, the gold Rolex, the Gucci handbag, the Prada heels (most of these products usefully come with their own unmissible status-transmitter, i.e. a bloody great brand logo on the front for all to see): And yes hence the allure of counterfeit luxury goods, desire or ownership of which is surely seeking to try and convey a social status that you do not have.

Anyway enough, 3 espressos and I’m fully wired...

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DSM-5
and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder

*1 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methylphenidate

[JR8]

Btw, within over 2 years of us being together this is the 5th time she is abandoning me. Always she destroys everything that ties us together, leaves, when all gone she immediately starts to regret, comes back... This was the reason I broke up with her a year ago for 2 months (habit of running away!). It should have stayed like that. This time it is a lot more serious, I don't regret anything, she humiliated me in person multiple times, she also publicly humiliated me recently. I'm out!

Try Googling on 'i hate you don't leave me' ...

[Sergei82]

I have this one at home:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)

Knowing the work of Eric Berne did not help me unfortunately. My own fault though...

[x9200]

I’d go as far as to suggest most people know or have known someone with a personality disorder. It’s curious that we never get taught a basic overview on them in school; it would surely empower people for later life.

I am afraid it would empower nobody. You can not be a shrink for yourself and in a relation, where people are emotionally engaged, the judgment is never purely analytical (as of DSM or similar). People stay in toxic relationships despite of seeing and acknowledging the obvious. It is not that they can not see it because they are not educated.

[Sergei82]

I saw what she is from the very beginning, but because she was saying all the right words, I thought I can give her some hope of get out of that lifestyle and give what she dreamed about. Sooooo damn stupid of mine! Going against nature.

And other thing - I didn't know all her background completely, even after marriage. She just lied about it.

[JR8]

I saw what she is from the very beginning, but because she was saying all the right words, I thought I can give her some hope of get out of that lifestyle and give what she dreamed about. Sooooo damn stupid of mine! Going against nature.

[My bolding above].

Yes, there is a strong element of the knight in shining armour being the 'rescuer'. She'll be ever-grateful right?, sadly it's often not so simple...

Once the dust begins to settle, and you have time to give yourself some me-time, when you feel you are ready to move on in life, it might be worth considering her needs/behaviours, and considering how you two fitted together. 'It takes two to tango', as they say. Recognition of your core values and needs (boundaries) can help in the future, so that there will never be a repeat...