life & relationships how we end up marrying the wrong person

the lynx · Post by **the lynx** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 1:19 pm

JR8 wrote:
the lynx wrote:Oh raj is a Muslim?
You're saying he isn't?

But he's already cohabiting with his current girlfriend so if he is a Muslim and hence, could not cohabit or even travel with his ex-girlfriend-turned-wife back then, what's changed now?

JR8 · Post by **JR8** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 1:23 pm

A) and muslims don't drink... right lol?
B) his point of view?

ecureilx · Post by **ecureilx** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 1:38 pm

JR8 wrote:A) and muslims don't drink... right lol?
B) his point of view?

I know a lot of Muslims who don't drink .... alcohol ....

during the fasting month

rajagainstthemachine · Post by **rajagainstthemachine** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 3:10 pm

the lynx wrote:
rajagainstthemachine wrote:
PNGMK wrote:
Travelling together for a few weeks helped me understand my fiance (now wife) on a more day/day level and I would recommend that if your morals allow it.

I personally though do not recommend cohabitating before marriage - old fashioned view - BUT if you're cohabitating marriage sort of is an auto pilot thing
One thing I didn't do was cohabitation with my ex-wife, we lived separately and dated for two years, however looking back I really wished I lived with her before deciding to marry her, it would have changed a lot of decisions.

and good point about traveling together before marrying, that way you'd know how to deal with all the travel hassles, hotel reservations etc as a team rather than individually.
So you're saying that you never travelled with your ex-wife prior to your wedding?

I clarify, I meant to say I never lived with my ex until we were married.
and no I'm not a muslim either.
I can be termed a agnostic hindu who presses F1 for help.

the lynx · Post by **the lynx** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 3:27 pm

I mean if you did not live with her before marrying her (or have means to), would "travelling together" have compensated that "lack in getting to know" a girlfriend before marrying her?

rajagainstthemachine · Post by **rajagainstthemachine** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 3:58 pm

the lynx wrote:I mean if you did not live with her before marrying her (or have means to), would "travelling together" have compensated that "lack in getting to know" a girlfriend before marrying her?

nothing compensates like living together before getting married, no matter how many trips you undertake with each other.
both factors are however important, living together reveals a lot of things about the persons behaviour, habits, personality.
going out to various places together and facing the everyday troubles in life helps to understand how to work together as a team.

the lynx · Post by **the lynx** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 4:16 pm

OK. What happens to "love all perfect imperfections"?

You know, if the love between the two is strong and the person is a wonderful person, you don't need to live together to find out.

After all, if cohabitation comes in, then what's left of marriage to look forward to? A piece of paper?

rajagainstthemachine · Post by **rajagainstthemachine** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 4:41 pm

the lynx wrote:OK. What happens to "love all perfect imperfections"?

You know, if the love between the two is strong and the person is a wonderful person, you don't need to live together to find out.

After all, if cohabitation comes in, then what's left of marriage to look forward to? A piece of paper?

even when you are with the person you love the most, there are times when both of you will find each others habits exasperating, cohabitation helps you identify those habits and lets you decide for yourself ultimately.
Some people believe the steps for marriage should be dating,marriage,cohabitation
I believe the order should be dating,cohabitation, marriage.
and its not only a piece of paper left to look forward to in the latter case.
Planning a house, a holiday, pets, car, babies etc etc.

martincymru · Post by **martincymru** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 4:53 pm

Opinion:

- A pre nup can benefit financially the poorer party so why would the weaker party not sign in those circumstances.

- Generally, but especially in Asia, huge wealth disparity Man/Woman so asset protection is of more concern to Men

- At point of marriage all assets should be kept/protected by respective parties (notwithstanding infringing local country laws).

- From Day 1 of marriage use excel spreadsheet on say monthly basis, both sign as agreed balance. This covers all the day to day and ad hoc large expense(s) arising and provides clarity in event of breakdown.

I prefer facts/truth/openness/clarity on practical matters. If your partner says its not romantic then they should realise that perhaps it is in their interest. The "process" may also reveal negative things about your prospective partner you would not realise (you would later of course) if you bury delicate/taboo matters under the carpet !

Mi Amigo · Post by **Mi Amigo** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 5:00 pm

rajagainstthemachine wrote:even when you are with the person you love the most, there are times when both of you will find each others habits exasperating, cohabitation helps you identify those habits and lets you decide for yourself ultimately.

Personally I concur about the cohabitation thing - I'd never have got married without first checking to see whether I could actually live under the same roof with the person in question.

But, outside of a hypothetical '100% perfect' marriage, there will always be things or actions that have the potential to irritate the other partner. The secret of a long and happy marriage (IMO / IME) is to develop ways / behaviours to prevent such things causing annoyance, resentment, etc.

What's that old saying - before you get married you need to have your eyes and ears wide open; after marriage you should keep them half closed. I'm not talking about infidelity here, which in my book is unacceptable (although I know there are some long-standing marriages where such behaviour is tolerated). I just mean that sometimes it's better to pretend that you didn't see or hear something, rather than getting all wound up (probably over something very trivial in the overall scheme of things) and then saying something you might regret later.

*Edit to add - obviously if there is a serious problem it needs to be discussed openly and honestly; I'm talking about minor irritating habits that, if not handled with the right perspective, could have the potential to create a long-standing annoyance.

Mi Amigo · Post by **Mi Amigo** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 5:15 pm

martincymru wrote:Opinion:

....

- From Day 1 of marriage use excel spreadsheet on say monthly basis, both sign as agreed balance. This covers all the day to day and ad hoc large expense(s) arising and provides clarity in event of breakdown.

I prefer facts/truth/openness/clarity on practical matters. If your partner says its not romantic then they should realise that perhaps it is in their interest. The "process" may also reveal negative things about your prospective partner you would not realise (you would later of course) if you bury delicate/taboo matters under the carpet !

Well it's an interesting outlook, and far be it from me to say that it's wrong. But in my (our) case, we take a different approach, whereby everything is 'pooled' and then we discuss about the priorities for saving and spending.

I often quote the Spanish saying which goes "What's yours is mine, and..." - the point being that you never finish the sentence, or if you do, you just say "What's mine is mine." We're fortunate that we both have the same outlook on money matters and neither of us is a spendthrift. If that weren't then case then perhaps a different arrangement would have been required.

Post by **sundaymorningstaple** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 5:47 pm

Mi Amigo wrote: Personally I concur about the cohabitation thing - I'd never have got married without first checking to see whether I could actually live under the same roof with the person in question.

In circumstances, even that is not a good indicator. Six years into my current marriage, we ran into a pretty rough patch that could probably be called "familiarity breeds contempt". I worked offshore in the Oil Exploration Industry on a two & one rotation (two months offshore and one month off). My wife, on the other hand was a professional singer here and sang in a club here 6 nights a week. That didn't go away when I came home, but as I was still drinking regularly (not like today) it wasn't too bad and when I was home it was like a vacation from work and after four weeks, we hadn't complete gotten each other's hair yet.

However, when I decided to try to leave the oilfield and get a job in Singapore, the first 6 months we were together I though we were going to explode at the seams because even though we had been married for half a dozen years, we had never had to learn to actually "live" together. The preceding 6 years were like mini-holidays once a quarter. We had managed to 'time' ourselves to put up with the inconveniences it made in our personal habits for a period of 4 weeks, knowing that after that everything would go back to "normal". We still managed to have 2 children during that first 6 years in spite of it, though. So, for a while it was pretty touch & go. But we worked through it.

Mi Amigo · Post by **Mi Amigo** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 7:19 pm

Interesting story SMS; I'm glad you managed to work through those difficulties. It's true that living together before marriage is not a conclusive test, but it could (IMO) help to highlight situations where cohabiting (married or not) is just not going to be feasible.

I think that adapting and continually re-adjusting to changing circumstances is a key requirement. For example, Mrs. Mi Amigo now has to put up with having me around the house a lot more than previously. But we each have our own interests and give each other the space to indulge those, so that the time we do spend together is still harmonious - so far, at any rate...

Wd40 · Post by **Wd40** » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 8:53 pm

Didn't get time to read the article during the week, due to busy schedule so thought of reading it now along with couple of cans of Budweiser. After reading 1st paragraph, thought why the heck am I am reading this, its too late oredy

I would rather read this thread, I am sure its more interesting.

The Ref · Post by **The Ref** » Sat, 26 Jul 2014 1:23 am

It is never too late.

I wish I read it 18 years ago

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