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life & relationships how we end up marrying the wrong person

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the lynx
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Postby the lynx » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 1:58 pm

JR8 wrote:
the lynx wrote:Ok then here's the next question, how do you know you're not making a real big mistake before you walk down that aisle?


You don't. You're set on it. Then it gets timetabled, and plans are made, invites are sent out month ahead. 'Everyone' you care for makes travel plans. ... There is no turning back.

Even if you have the slightest mal-inkling doubt, or question it, the collective momentum and expectations drives it through, for good, or for bad.

I'd actually go for the simple ceremony down on the beach. You, her, a witness, and a solemniser + a few friends if you wish (optional). That is all that really matters. You're not freakin rock stars for a day putting on some great lavish Vegas production and show, though that's what marriage coordinators (if you use one) will sell you.

Forget about putting on the whole $50k jamboree for everyone else, your parents neighbours, who they likely don't even really like.


That's definitely and unfortunately true, if you're doing your wedding the Chinese way...

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Postby ecureilx » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 2:00 pm

sundaymorningstaple wrote:Marriage is a gamble. It can, however, as noted, be made to work (often happiness does not come into play, though). Arranged marriages are a good example and I know arranged marriages that have gone over half a century. It was never "happiness" but more "acceptance" and the desire to make it work.


words of Wisdom, .. well said.,.

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Postby PNGMK » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 2:26 pm

the lynx wrote:Ok then here's the next question, how do you know you're not making a real big mistake before you walk down that aisle?


Well not ignoring the obvious signs (emotional/financial/sexual/physical abuse) and, in your case, listening to your spiritual guide helps. I'd also recommend working through books like 101 questions before you marry (and their equivalents for engagement etc). Travelling together for a few weeks helped me understand my fiance (now wife) on a more day/day level and I would recommend that if your morals allow it.

I personally though do not recommend cohabitating before marriage - old fashioned view - BUT if you're cohabitating marriage sort of is an auto pilot thing - whereas if you're truly single before marriage then the it's clearer to your mind that you're really going in the deep end. Note -this is not about sex before marriage - a whole separate issue.

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rajagainstthemachine
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Postby rajagainstthemachine » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 2:43 pm

PNGMK wrote:
the lynx wrote:A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.


The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.


I hear you! I was once married as well.It lasted six years, we dated two years before we married, however our marriage can be used as a white paper 99 ways to F*** up your marriage and counting.
It was also a major reason for me to move to Singapore. I asked my ex-wife at that time to move to Singapore with me in what could have been a last ditch attempt to save my marriage, she refused and I landed here with a single suitcase in hand and began an attempt to resurrect my life again.
To get there early is on time and showing up on time is late

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sundaymorningstaple
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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 3:00 pm

^^Sounds familiar! Right down to the single suitcase (although I did have a briefcase as well for carryon). ;-)

Been married here now for almost 31 years. Who'd of guessed!

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JR8
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Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 5:59 pm

sundaymorningstaple wrote:^^Sounds familiar! Right down to the single suitcase (although I did have a briefcase as well for carryon). ;-)

Been married here now for almost 31 years. Who'd of guessed!



Weird, re: bolded, I initially read that as crayons! :lol:

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Postby Hannieroo » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 7:43 pm

I think you get married for a lot of reasons but the trick to staying married is realizing we all change, none are perfect and loving someone in spite of their human frailties might actually be a stronger relationship than before you knew they had them. Although sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 8:16 pm

JR8 wrote:
sundaymorningstaple wrote:^^Sounds familiar! Right down to the single suitcase (although I did have a briefcase as well for carryon). ;-)

Been married here now for almost 31 years. Who'd of guessed!



Weird, re: bolded, I initially read that as crayons! :lol:


Had I been into street art, that might have not been too far from a misread....

https://www.adafruit.com/blog/2013/11/1 ... nt-crayon/

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Postby Strong Eagle » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 8:53 pm

Hannieroo wrote:I think you get married for a lot of reasons but the trick to staying married is realizing we all change, none are perfect and loving someone in spite of their human frailties might actually be a stronger relationship than before you knew they had them. Although sometimes it doesn't feel that way.


As the song says, "I love you for your perfect imperfections."

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Postby macaroonie » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 9:00 pm

So for all those married multiple times why get married again? What gave you that extra leap of faith?

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JR8
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Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 9:00 pm

As another song goes 'If you love somebody, set them free'.

The virtuous circle of love, mutual respect, and trust.

Blahdy blah ....

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 9:11 pm

macaroonie wrote:So for all those married multiple times why get married again? What gave you that extra leap of faith?


Damn good question! Stupidity? :lol: After my 2nd I swore I'd never marry again. They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. So true. But having said that, the 3rd, and the most improbable one, has lasted over 3 decades now. For me? I'm stubborn I guess, figured I'd keep tryin' till I got it right. I'm not a quitter! :wink:

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JR8
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Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 9:36 pm

macaroonie wrote:So for all those married multiple times why get married again? What gave you that extra leap of faith?


Hardly 'mulitple'... but

What do they say of 2nd marriages, 'the triumph of hope over reality'. Or something like that hehe ...

Either you learn, grow and try again. Or you face the rest of your life alone.

I think you just learn to do things differently. You don't stick 100% of your cards on the table. Or volunteer ('for love') to put all your assets into joint names. That's a change. Not throwing all and any barriers/defences out the church window. But rather, defining which aspects (and assets) will be shared and enjoyed. It might sounds cold/calculating, but beyond teenage blind-faith, I actually think it makes things simpler.

Same same how having a pre-nup might sound as romantic as a dead fish. Until you're getting married for the 2nd time...

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Postby nanana » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 10:59 pm

PNGMK wrote:
the lynx wrote:A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.


The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.


Same here! Same here! Can't leave as we still have unfinished business to settle in court. Sigh! Don't think there is ever a perfect person to marry. I mean, you might be perfect right now, but who knows years down the road, everything you liked about each other become your dislikes. People change. That's all.

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Postby GSM8 » Fri, 25 Jul 2014 12:16 am

rajagainstthemachine wrote:
PNGMK wrote:
the lynx wrote:A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.


The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.


I hear you! I was once married as well.It lasted six years, we dated two years before we married, however our marriage can be used as a white paper 99 ways to F*** up your marriage and counting.
It was also a major reason for me to move to Singapore. I asked my ex-wife at that time to move to Singapore with me in what could have been a last ditch attempt to save my marriage, she refused and I landed here with a single suitcase in hand and began an attempt to resurrect my life again.

Similar circumstances preceded my landing up in Singapore a few months ago. After getting past the post divorce rough patch and feeling sorry for myself phase, I needed a change of scenery


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