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life & relationships how we end up marrying the wrong person

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rajagainstthemachine
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life & relationships how we end up marrying the wrong pe

Postby rajagainstthemachine » Wed, 16 Jul 2014 9:12 pm

A really long read, I'm still in the midst of reading it, but I thought I would share.


http://thephilosophersmail.com/relation ... pockethits
To get there early is on time and showing up on time is late

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Strong Eagle
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Postby Strong Eagle » Wed, 16 Jul 2014 10:32 pm

Good stuff, raja. Thanks.

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the lynx
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Postby the lynx » Thu, 17 Jul 2014 9:16 am

A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.

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Postby PNGMK » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 2:20 am

the lynx wrote:A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.


The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.

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Postby the lynx » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 8:29 am

PNGMK wrote:
the lynx wrote:A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.


The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.


Can't you move away now that you're done with her?

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Postby martincymru » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 9:19 am

Perhaps no such thing as right or wrong person. Your decision making process is the guilty party.

I work in Contract Disputes..... "it's always the other person's fault" !

When getting married or any relationship for that matter openly address/formalise the worst case scenario then if it does not transpire it's a bonus.

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Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 9:57 am

PNGMK wrote:The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.


As did I. But that became apparent very rapidly - within a year.

The issue then can morph into one of 'everyone else's expectations'. ... Your mother asking 'But you've only been married a year, what will the neighbours think!?'.

Seriously though, you have to put up with a lot of crap from a lot of people who are external to the situation, not least the division of all of your mutual friends, and how that's going to play out in real-time, and which one who says they're your friend, is just the spy in the camp for the other side. It's messy.

But as messy as it is, being rid of the wrong person* is perhaps one of best things you can do for yourself. I've never, ever, regretted it for one moment.



* This is not re: a 'bad or low patch', a bad week. We all go through those now and again, it's natural and expected. I'm talking about ... getting the Sword of Damocles speared through the forehead kind of epiphany ... you just KNOW it's wrong, and that it never will be right.

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Postby PNGMK » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 12:39 pm

the lynx wrote:
PNGMK wrote:
the lynx wrote:A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.


The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.


Can't you move away now that you're done with her?


I have a son with her whom I foolishly bonded with. He is a SC in Sec School here. I figure I can leave when he is in NS.

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Postby PNGMK » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 12:41 pm

JR8 wrote:
PNGMK wrote:The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.


As did I. But that became apparent very rapidly - within a year.

The issue then can morph into one of 'everyone else's expectations'. ... Your mother asking 'But you've only been married a year, what will the neighbours think!?'.

Seriously though, you have to put up with a lot of crap from a lot of people who are external to the situation, not least the division of all of your mutual friends, and how that's going to play out in real-time, and which one who says they're your friend, is just the spy in the camp for the other side. It's messy.

But as messy as it is, being rid of the wrong person* is perhaps one of best things you can do for yourself. I've never, ever, regretted it for one moment.



* This is not re: a 'bad or low patch', a bad week. We all go through those now and again, it's natural and expected. I'm talking about ... getting the Sword of Damocles speared through the forehead kind of epiphany ... you just KNOW it's wrong, and that it never will be right.


I knew it was wrong before we were even married. I just refused to acknowledge that instinctive irritant. I wasn't at all bothered when we got married, it was only after that I realized that marriage is a lot more serious than I thought. When I was married the second time (having sworn I never would again) I was almost vomiting from the tension - however it is a great marriage - the lesson I think is that I knew much more about what it meant to be married and I was nervous about meeting those expectations.

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Postby ecureilx » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 12:50 pm

martincymru wrote:Perhaps no such thing as right or wrong person. Your decision making process is the guilty party.

I work in Contract Disputes..... "it's always the other person's fault" !

When getting married or any relationship for that matter openly address/formalise the worst case scenario then if it does not transpire it's a bonus.


I believe except the rarest cases almost all relationships can be made to work, if one party is willing to adjust / accommodate the other

I had three live ins and they left me and Singapore ...

now that I am 'ringed' I do everything to not let things go south

on a related matter a friend got married after after two kids they divorced .. when I met the guy I told him my 2 cents. he should have kicked it faster when he realised his wife wanted to keep her mother with herself if that meant alienating the in laws by creating trouble to isolate the husband, but not after 2 kids...

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Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 1:04 pm

PNGMK wrote:I knew it was wrong before we were even married. I just refused to acknowledge that instinctive irritant. I wasn't at all bothered when we got married, it was only after that I realized that marriage is a lot more serious than I thought. When I was married the second time (having sworn I never would again) I was almost vomiting from the tension - however it is a great marriage - the lesson I think is that I knew much more about what it meant to be married and I was nervous about meeting those expectations.


Oh wow, I totally hear what you say, pretty much the same journey for me!!

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the lynx
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Postby the lynx » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 1:16 pm

Ok then here's the next question, how do you know you're not making a real big mistake before you walk down that aisle?

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 1:33 pm

You don't.

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 1:35 pm

Marriage is a gamble. It can, however, as noted, be made to work (often happiness does not come into play, though). Arranged marriages are a good example and I know arranged marriages that have gone over half a century. It was never "happiness" but more "acceptance" and the desire to make it work.

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Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Jul 2014 1:53 pm

the lynx wrote:Ok then here's the next question, how do you know you're not making a real big mistake before you walk down that aisle?


You don't. You're set on it. Then it gets timetabled, and plans are made, invites are sent out month ahead. 'Everyone' you care for makes travel plans. ... There is no turning back.

Even if you have the slightest mal-inkling doubt, or question it, the collective momentum and expectations drives it through, for good, or for bad.

I'd actually go for the simple ceremony down on the beach. You, her, a witness, and a solemniser + a few friends if you wish (optional). That is all that really matters. You're not freakin rock stars for a day putting on some great lavish Vegas production and show, though that's what marriage coordinators (if you use one) will sell you.

Forget about putting on the whole $50k jamboree for everyone else, your parents neighbours, who they likely don't even really like.


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