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life & relationships how we end up marrying the wrong person
- rajagainstthemachine
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life & relationships how we end up marrying the wrong pe
A really long read, I'm still in the midst of reading it, but I thought I would share.
http://thephilosophersmail.com/relation ... pockethits
http://thephilosophersmail.com/relation ... pockethits
To get there early is on time and showing up on time is late
- Strong Eagle
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The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.the lynx wrote:A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.
- the lynx
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Can't you move away now that you're done with her?PNGMK wrote:The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.the lynx wrote:A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.
- martincymru
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Perhaps no such thing as right or wrong person. Your decision making process is the guilty party.
I work in Contract Disputes..... "it's always the other person's fault" !
When getting married or any relationship for that matter openly address/formalise the worst case scenario then if it does not transpire it's a bonus.
I work in Contract Disputes..... "it's always the other person's fault" !
When getting married or any relationship for that matter openly address/formalise the worst case scenario then if it does not transpire it's a bonus.
As did I. But that became apparent very rapidly - within a year.PNGMK wrote:The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.
The issue then can morph into one of 'everyone else's expectations'. ... Your mother asking 'But you've only been married a year, what will the neighbours think!?'.
Seriously though, you have to put up with a lot of crap from a lot of people who are external to the situation, not least the division of all of your mutual friends, and how that's going to play out in real-time, and which one who says they're your friend, is just the spy in the camp for the other side. It's messy.
But as messy as it is, being rid of the wrong person* is perhaps one of best things you can do for yourself. I've never, ever, regretted it for one moment.
* This is not re: a 'bad or low patch', a bad week. We all go through those now and again, it's natural and expected. I'm talking about ... getting the Sword of Damocles speared through the forehead kind of epiphany ... you just KNOW it's wrong, and that it never will be right.
I have a son with her whom I foolishly bonded with. He is a SC in Sec School here. I figure I can leave when he is in NS.the lynx wrote:Can't you move away now that you're done with her?PNGMK wrote:The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.the lynx wrote:A good read. Worth the last 15 minutes of my life.
I knew it was wrong before we were even married. I just refused to acknowledge that instinctive irritant. I wasn't at all bothered when we got married, it was only after that I realized that marriage is a lot more serious than I thought. When I was married the second time (having sworn I never would again) I was almost vomiting from the tension - however it is a great marriage - the lesson I think is that I knew much more about what it meant to be married and I was nervous about meeting those expectations.JR8 wrote:As did I. But that became apparent very rapidly - within a year.PNGMK wrote:The single worst mistake one can make in life is marrying the wrong person. IT completely changes the course of a normal life to once where compromises, heart ache, constraints and bitterness become 'normal'. The reason I'm still in Singapore is because I married the wrong person the first time.
The issue then can morph into one of 'everyone else's expectations'. ... Your mother asking 'But you've only been married a year, what will the neighbours think!?'.
Seriously though, you have to put up with a lot of crap from a lot of people who are external to the situation, not least the division of all of your mutual friends, and how that's going to play out in real-time, and which one who says they're your friend, is just the spy in the camp for the other side. It's messy.
But as messy as it is, being rid of the wrong person* is perhaps one of best things you can do for yourself. I've never, ever, regretted it for one moment.
* This is not re: a 'bad or low patch', a bad week. We all go through those now and again, it's natural and expected. I'm talking about ... getting the Sword of Damocles speared through the forehead kind of epiphany ... you just KNOW it's wrong, and that it never will be right.
I believe except the rarest cases almost all relationships can be made to work, if one party is willing to adjust / accommodate the othermartincymru wrote:Perhaps no such thing as right or wrong person. Your decision making process is the guilty party.
I work in Contract Disputes..... "it's always the other person's fault" !
When getting married or any relationship for that matter openly address/formalise the worst case scenario then if it does not transpire it's a bonus.
I had three live ins and they left me and Singapore ...
now that I am 'ringed' I do everything to not let things go south
on a related matter a friend got married after after two kids they divorced .. when I met the guy I told him my 2 cents. he should have kicked it faster when he realised his wife wanted to keep her mother with herself if that meant alienating the in laws by creating trouble to isolate the husband, but not after 2 kids...
Oh wow, I totally hear what you say, pretty much the same journey for me!!PNGMK wrote:I knew it was wrong before we were even married. I just refused to acknowledge that instinctive irritant. I wasn't at all bothered when we got married, it was only after that I realized that marriage is a lot more serious than I thought. When I was married the second time (having sworn I never would again) I was almost vomiting from the tension - however it is a great marriage - the lesson I think is that I knew much more about what it meant to be married and I was nervous about meeting those expectations.
- sundaymorningstaple
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- sundaymorningstaple
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- Joined: Thu, 11 Nov 2004 1:26 pm
- Location: Retired on the Little Red Dot
Marriage is a gamble. It can, however, as noted, be made to work (often happiness does not come into play, though). Arranged marriages are a good example and I know arranged marriages that have gone over half a century. It was never "happiness" but more "acceptance" and the desire to make it work.
SOME PEOPLE TRY TO TURN BACK THEIR ODOMETERS. NOT ME. I WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW WHY I LOOK THIS WAY. I'VE TRAVELED A LONG WAY, AND SOME OF THE ROADS WEREN'T PAVED. ~ Will Rogers
You don't. You're set on it. Then it gets timetabled, and plans are made, invites are sent out month ahead. 'Everyone' you care for makes travel plans. ... There is no turning back.the lynx wrote:Ok then here's the next question, how do you know you're not making a real big mistake before you walk down that aisle?
Even if you have the slightest mal-inkling doubt, or question it, the collective momentum and expectations drives it through, for good, or for bad.
I'd actually go for the simple ceremony down on the beach. You, her, a witness, and a solemniser + a few friends if you wish (optional). That is all that really matters. You're not freakin rock stars for a day putting on some great lavish Vegas production and show, though that's what marriage coordinators (if you use one) will sell you.
Forget about putting on the whole $50k jamboree for everyone else, your parents neighbours, who they likely don't even really like.
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