Singapore Expats Forum

what to say to reject 1 who tries to borrow >5k but will..

Discuss about the latest news & interesting topics, real life experience or other out of topic discussions with locals & expatriates in Singapore.

User avatar
sundaymorningstaple
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 34273
Joined: Thu, 11 Nov 2004
Location: Still Fishing!
Contact:

Postby sundaymorningstaple » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 1:42 pm

Maintain ties! I like severing ties. And I'm talking Indian as well. :lol:

User avatar
Wd40
Director
Director
Posts: 3788
Joined: Tue, 04 Dec 2012
Location: SIndiapore

Postby Wd40 » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 1:48 pm

sundaymorningstaple wrote:Maintain ties! I like severing ties. And I'm talking Indian as well. :lol:


I know :)

User avatar
JR8
Immortal
Immortal
Posts: 16514
Joined: Wed, 24 Mar 2010
Location: K. Puki Manis

Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 2:07 pm

I've done it three times:

A girlfriend (20yrs ago), when we went on a shopping w/e to NYC and she hadn't any money
A dive-buddy, going to Egypt (10yrs ago), he had no cash (spot the pattern lol)
A good friend, who rented my home (also c20 yrs ago), and just took the mick with his rent payments.

#1/2 I'd never speak to again. #3 well, he came good, but I'd never lend him money again.

Different people have different attitudes. For me money and debt is real, a matter of personal honour, I don't take it lightly at all. For some others debt, and obligations are casual things you can opt in and out of (rough when friends get tied in). ...

p.s. If you ever feel you're going on the big magnanimous 'helping out a poor relative' thing .... prepare to get reamed. my 2c

Beeroclock
Reporter
Reporter
Posts: 718
Joined: Thu, 31 Oct 2013

Postby Beeroclock » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 2:25 pm

JR8 wrote:p.s. If you ever feel you're going on the big magnanimous 'helping out a poor relative' thing .... prepare to get reamed. my 2c

Yes, and as per my earlier post, I question if giving the money will really "help" in the long-term.

tanoshii
Newbie
Newbie
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu, 24 Apr 2014

Postby tanoshii » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 3:31 pm

Wd40 wrote:I have done this before, refused to give a loan to my uncle. Not that he wont return it, but I will have to pay him by cheque and he will give me cash(black money) without interest and after a year or so later.

How I did it? I told him all my money is in mutual funds/fixed deposits with heavy exit load if I terminate them early.

This worked in my case because my uncle didn't really "need" the money. But if someone really needs it and you have it and he is a relative, then I think its hard to refuse and yet maintain ties. Especially in the Indian setting. Something tells me that the OP is also Indian.


its relative, still wants to maintain ties by saying something that is reasonable to reject.. :???: what other reasons can I give beside saying investment, studies plan, repay mortgage loan & etcs as mentioned in the initial post

what mutual funds?

nanana
Chatter
Chatter
Posts: 256
Joined: Fri, 25 Apr 2008

Postby nanana » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 4:34 pm

this is what i did to a relative who was trying to 'borrow' money from me. i told him that things have not been great lately, i've tried my best but only managed to come up with this amount, then i just stuffed couple hundreds in his hand. and i also told him to pay me back only after he has solved his problems. no hurry at all.. (though i know i will never get back that money).
at least with this way, you will not be seen as a stingy, heartless jerk. cos you still 'care' enough to 'lend' him some money (at the very discounted amount).

User avatar
Wd40
Director
Director
Posts: 3788
Joined: Tue, 04 Dec 2012
Location: SIndiapore

Postby Wd40 » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 4:42 pm

tanoshii wrote:
Wd40 wrote:I have done this before, refused to give a loan to my uncle. Not that he wont return it, but I will have to pay him by cheque and he will give me cash(black money) without interest and after a year or so later.

How I did it? I told him all my money is in mutual funds/fixed deposits with heavy exit load if I terminate them early.

This worked in my case because my uncle didn't really "need" the money. But if someone really needs it and you have it and he is a relative, then I think its hard to refuse and yet maintain ties. Especially in the Indian setting. Something tells me that the OP is also Indian.


its relative, still wants to maintain ties by saying something that is reasonable to reject.. :???: what other reasons can I give beside saying investment, studies plan, repay mortgage loan & etcs as mentioned in the initial post

what mutual funds?



There is no other reason you can give, if he knows that you are well off. The only reason you can give is that all your money is locked in long term investments that cant be prematurely withdrawn and that you also have serious cash flow issues, for eg: you earn 8K a month yet 4k goes for condo loan emi etc

pisceangirl
Chatter
Chatter
Posts: 173
Joined: Fri, 06 Sep 2013

Postby pisceangirl » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 4:53 pm

Wd40 wrote:I have done this before, refused to give a loan to my uncle. Not that he wont return it, but I will have to pay him by cheque and he will give me cash(black money) without interest and after a year or so later.

How I did it? I told him all my money is in mutual funds/fixed deposits with heavy exit load if I terminate them early.

This worked in my case because my uncle didn't really "need" the money. But if someone really needs it and you have it and he is a relative, then I think its hard to refuse and yet maintain ties. Especially in the Indian setting. Something tells me that the OP is also Indian.


I think in the Indian setting its even harder to maintain ties once you lend the money, cause you'll never see them after you do :P They will avoid you at all costs even when you are at the same social events as them. Of course there are the super thick skinned breed that will meet you and greet you and never mention the money which will leave you seething. So in the Indian setting isn't it better to lose your relationship rather than lose the money and the relationship? Btw Wd40, when it comes to relatives and money, its pretty much the same the world over. No need to highlight the Indian aspect.

An ex colleague once asked me for a loan and I just told her I wasn't comfortable with the idea. End of story.
Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are. (Tupac)

User avatar
JR8
Immortal
Immortal
Posts: 16514
Joined: Wed, 24 Mar 2010
Location: K. Puki Manis

Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 6:31 pm

pisceangirl wrote:An ex colleague once asked me for a loan and I just told her I wasn't comfortable with the idea. End of story.


Which reminds me: An ex-manager of mine at work once did the same. What do you do, it's your boss, the one you report to, who grades you for your annual bonus etc. It was 'just a few thousand' for 'just a few days'. Of course the money didn't come back, at least not on time. It took quite some finessed complaining and suggestions of escalation to get it back.

Then a few weeks later my MD called me in for a 1-1 chat, and asked if 'IG has ever asked you to lend him money?'. Then to hear he was borrowing money off everyone. Borrowing Peter to repay Paul, and so on. And one of his last big borrows was from a colleague's brother-in-law, who was allegedly some kind of small-time gangster. Then 'IG' fled the country and my boss had him tracked down to some dung-hole in New Jersey, it seemed everyone was after him.

Quite an incredible ending to a friendly and discreet 'Hey JR8, any chance you could lend me a few grand for the weekend?'

p.s. you just need to say you don't have access to the money. You cannot be expected to be a money-lender, an ATM.

pisceangirl
Chatter
Chatter
Posts: 173
Joined: Fri, 06 Sep 2013

Postby pisceangirl » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 6:45 pm

JR8 wrote:
pisceangirl wrote:An ex colleague once asked me for a loan and I just told her I wasn't comfortable with the idea. End of story.


Which reminds me: An ex-manager of mine at work once did the same. What do you do, it's your boss, the one you report to, who grades you for your annual bonus etc. It was 'just a few thousand' for 'just a few days'. Of course the money didn't come back, at least not on time. It took quite some finessed complaining and suggestions of escalation to get it back.

Then a few weeks later my MD called me in for a 1-1 chat, and asked if 'IG has ever asked you to lend him money?'. Then to hear he was borrowing money off everyone. Borrowing Peter to repay Paul, and so on. And one of his last big borrows was from a colleague's brother-in-law, who was allegedly some kind of small-time gangster. Then 'IG' fled the country and my boss had him tracked down to some dung-hole in New Jersey, it seemed everyone was after him.

Quite an incredible ending to a friendly and discreet 'Hey JR8, any chance you could lend me a few grand for the weekend?'

p.s. you just need to say you don't have access to the money. You cannot be expected to be a money-lender, an ATM.


Wow that one's tricky for sure.

I know I am not doing myself any favours when I tell people I'm not comfortable with lending them money, but its just that I really lack the patience for unnecessary explanations and conversations. Some people just tend to try to probe further when you offer them excuses. Just saying you are not comfortable usually ends the conversation which is great from my POV.
Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are. (Tupac)

User avatar
JR8
Immortal
Immortal
Posts: 16514
Joined: Wed, 24 Mar 2010
Location: K. Puki Manis

Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 7:07 pm

pisceangirl wrote:Wow that one's tricky for sure.

I know I am not doing myself any favours when I tell people I'm not comfortable with lending them money, but its just that I really lack the patience for unnecessary explanations and conversations. Some people just tend to try to probe further when you offer them excuses. Just saying you are not comfortable usually ends the conversation which is great from my POV.


Just a little :)
The funny thing is that the default was to assume he was asking a personal favour of just me. When later the list of people he was borrowing off was revealed by jaw almost hit the floor. All this happening around me with my closest colleagues, and I'd never have guessed.

What's with all these people asking others to lend them money anyway? If it's 'intra' an Indian family I kinda get how that happens. But are others experiencing it more broadly, at work? ...

pisceangirl
Chatter
Chatter
Posts: 173
Joined: Fri, 06 Sep 2013

Postby pisceangirl » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 9:17 pm

JR8 wrote:
pisceangirl wrote:Wow that one's tricky for sure.

I know I am not doing myself any favours when I tell people I'm not comfortable with lending them money, but its just that I really lack the patience for unnecessary explanations and conversations. Some people just tend to try to probe further when you offer them excuses. Just saying you are not comfortable usually ends the conversation which is great from my POV.


Just a little :)
The funny thing is that the default was to assume he was asking a personal favour of just me. When later the list of people he was borrowing off was revealed by jaw almost hit the floor. All this happening around me with my closest colleagues, and I'd never have guessed.

What's with all these people asking others to lend them money anyway? If it's 'intra' an Indian family I kinda get how that happens. But are others experiencing it more broadly, at work? ...


Yes you are right. About that colleague who asked me for money, I was very surprised when a few days later, over lunch, the topic came up and someone asked me if she had approached me for money and then people shared that this person was a habitual borrower and she had a boyfriend that was sponging off her and "investing" in business schemes in the hope that the "next" one would work out. This was back in Mumbai. Like you, I'd never have guessed that this had been happening around me.

Hey it could be an "intra" family thing anywhere, not just India. I guess people turn to family first in times of "need".
Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are. (Tupac)

User avatar
JR8
Immortal
Immortal
Posts: 16514
Joined: Wed, 24 Mar 2010
Location: K. Puki Manis

Postby JR8 » Thu, 24 Apr 2014 9:55 pm

Hmmm... yep, that's aligned with my experience.

No offence to 'Indian families' *at all*. I have one within my overall extended family and they all seem to treat each other as a temporary bank. It's like 'The Family Incorporated' :) - it's just different to what I was brought up with which focused more on self-reliance, and not impinging or imposing a burden upon others.

earthfriendly
Manager
Manager
Posts: 1834
Joined: Sat, 20 Aug 2005

Postby earthfriendly » Fri, 25 Apr 2014 3:46 am

What about "I am sorry but I do not like to mix money with friendship. All too often, I have seen how money changes the dynamics of a relationship, for the worse. Can I help you in other ways?".

Mr. EF loaned our money to help somebody with a property purchase. He did not want to say "no" to risk the relationship. And I did not say "no" to my hubby as it is not in my place to interfere with the long-standing relationship he has with that person. I had seen the (unwise) financial decisions made by that person and wrote it off as bad debt, in my mind. More peace for our household and family life.

beppi
Manager
Manager
Posts: 1751
Joined: Thu, 07 Sep 2006
Location: Ahlongistan (O$P$)

Postby beppi » Fri, 25 Apr 2014 4:04 am

"Sorry, but I do, as a rule, never borrow or lend any money to anyone. I believe that a lot of society's evils stem from loans and debt. But if you are really so much in need, here are S$200 as a gift - no need to return."
Most people will be too embarrassed to even take the S$200 (but I had a distant friend who did and I never heard from him again - his loss, not mine!).


  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to “General Discussions”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests