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Does it make sense to move back to India in this situation?

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SharadChat
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Does it make sense to move back to India in this situation?

Postby SharadChat » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 5:50 pm

Background
Age 31+,
Education: Economics graduate from India, Masters in Accounting & Finance from Australia, CPA in Singapore
Job History: 7 years in Singapore, worked in two of the big four followed by job in a bank as product controller/risk
Job Status: Job is moving to Pune & Poland
Salary: Little less than 100k per annum, has been stagnant for two years
Marital Status: Married, wife, age 27 +, is a homemaker & unlikely to get a job
Social Life: Friends make 2.5 times what I make,
Residency Status: Here on EP, PR application rejected thrice, most friends' PR

Family Background in India: Very well off family, dad owns multi million dollar property in India which he rents out, dad is very keen I return to India, I'm the only child. Mom wants me to do what I like

Wife is also an only child, she too comes from a reasonably well off background. She and her parents too are keen that I move back to India.

There are reasonable job opportunities in India for both me & my wife.

I want to continue living in Singapore, as my salary is stagnating, I hope to go to do an MBA from a top B school (this was a long cherished dream of mine). After my MBA, I don't want to do consulting as there's no life, but hope to get some better paying job. Wife & her family feel its unlikely I'll benefit from the MBA.

Wife and wife's father(he's quite successful in the corporate world in India) feel I'll be too old as an MBA graduate at 34-34 besides all my friends' would have moved up even more in those two years and I'll be left stagnating even more after the MBA.

I had hoped that my wife could perhaps find a job and remain behind in Singapore with that job, so that I can come back & job hunt on her Dependent Pass, she refuses to do this, her parents got furious with this suggestion, they said that like all Indian men, I should've first completed my education before getting married, and if I had plans to do this MBA, I should've married at 35 post this MBA.

I hadn't mentioned to my wife that I had plans to do an MBA before I married her, we had an arranged marriage, the topic of my friends' MBA & her cousins' MBA had come up in a few conversations, I hadn't mentioned my own plans of the MBA then.

We have completed one year of marriage, my wife now says its time we start trying for a baby, as she wants to be a mother before 30, and I am old enough as some of my friends' are already fathers.

I feel I just can't afford a child yet and don't know if/when I will be able to afford one in Singapore. I can easily afford one in India if I lived with my parents.

Her parents too are very keen on a grandchild, her old grandparents too are anxious to be great grandparents.

We had heated arguments on this topic, I had told her that she should've asked me if I want to do an MBA, also she should have told me if she wanted a child early, she says that when a 26 year old woman marries a 30 year old man, she assumes he's completed his education (she says like all my friends' have completed their education) & will settle into family life in a few years, rather than now do a full time MBA, & that if such a man is stagnating, he should move to another city or country instead. I tried for INSEAD in the September 2014 batch & was rejected, I am thinking about re applying again for the January 2015 batch plus applying for US B schools in 2015. My GMAT score is 680.

Should I move back to India in this scenario?

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Postby sundaymorningstaple » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 5:58 pm

Yes.

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Postby AngMoG » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 6:04 pm

Seems like a no-brainer. Move back to India, get a good job there. You're in no rush to get a job it seems anyway (i.e., not poor or anything).

Don't get an MBA. I think it would be a waste of your time, esp. if the only reason you want to do it is to earn more.

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Re: Does it make sense to move back to India in this situati

Postby Wd40 » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 6:11 pm

SharadChat wrote:Background
Age 31+,
Education: Economics graduate from India, Masters in Accounting & Finance from Australia, CPA in Singapore
Job History: 7 years in Singapore, worked in two of the big four followed by job in a bank as product controller/risk
Job Status: Job is moving to Pune & Poland
Salary: Little less than 100k per annum, has been stagnant for two years
Marital Status: Married, wife, age 27 +, is a homemaker & unlikely to get a job
Social Life: Friends make 2.5 times what I make,
Residency Status: Here on EP, PR application rejected thrice, most friends' PR

Family Background in India: Very well off family, dad owns multi million dollar property in India which he rents out, dad is very keen I return to India, I'm the only child. Mom wants me to do what I like

Wife is also an only child, she too comes from a reasonably well off background. She and her parents too are keen that I move back to India.

There are reasonable job opportunities in India for both me & my wife.

I want to continue living in Singapore, as my salary is stagnating, I hope to go to do an MBA from a top B school (this was a long cherished dream of mine). After my MBA, I don't want to do consulting as there's no life, but hope to get some better paying job. Wife & her family feel its unlikely I'll benefit from the MBA.

Wife and wife's father(he's quite successful in the corporate world in India) feel I'll be too old as an MBA graduate at 34-34 besides all my friends' would have moved up even more in those two years and I'll be left stagnating even more after the MBA.

I had hoped that my wife could perhaps find a job and remain behind in Singapore with that job, so that I can come back & job hunt on her Dependent Pass, she refuses to do this, her parents got furious with this suggestion, they said that like all Indian men, I should've first completed my education before getting married, and if I had plans to do this MBA, I should've married at 35 post this MBA.

I hadn't mentioned to my wife that I had plans to do an MBA before I married her, we had an arranged marriage, the topic of my friends' MBA & her cousins' MBA had come up in a few conversations, I hadn't mentioned my own plans of the MBA then.

We have completed one year of marriage, my wife now says its time we start trying for a baby, as she wants to be a mother before 30, and I am old enough as some of my friends' are already fathers.

I feel I just can't afford a child yet and don't know if/when I will be able to afford one in Singapore. I can easily afford one in India if I lived with my parents.

Her parents too are very keen on a grandchild, her old grandparents too are anxious to be great grandparents.

We had heated arguments on this topic, I had told her that she should've asked me if I want to do an MBA, also she should have told me if she wanted a child early, she says that when a 26 year old woman marries a 30 year old man, she assumes he's completed his education (she says like all my friends' have completed their education) & will settle into family life in a few years, rather than now do a full time MBA, & that if such a man is stagnating, he should move to another city or country instead. I tried for INSEAD in the September 2014 batch & was rejected, I am thinking about re applying again for the January 2015 batch plus applying for US B schools in 2015. My GMAT score is 680.

Should I move back to India in this scenario?


OP, why do you create new threads everytime? When all are related to the same issue? This time you created a new user id as well. If your concerned that people wont read your old thread, then dont worry, there is a button called "View posts since last visit" at the top and most of the regulars here click that link and we will know when you make a post. So please dont create new threads/new user ids everytime.

sutra680615.html

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Re: Does it make sense to move back to India in this situati

Postby pisceangirl » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 6:33 pm

SharadChat wrote:Background
Age 31+,
Education: Economics graduate from India, Masters in Accounting & Finance from Australia, CPA in Singapore
Job History: 7 years in Singapore, worked in two of the big four followed by job in a bank as product controller/risk
Job Status: Job is moving to Pune & Poland
Salary: Little less than 100k per annum, has been stagnant for two years
Marital Status: Married, wife, age 27 +, is a homemaker & unlikely to get a job
Social Life: Friends make 2.5 times what I make,
Residency Status: Here on EP, PR application rejected thrice, most friends' PR

Family Background in India: Very well off family, dad owns multi million dollar property in India which he rents out, dad is very keen I return to India, I'm the only child. Mom wants me to do what I like

Wife is also an only child, she too comes from a reasonably well off background. She and her parents too are keen that I move back to India.

There are reasonable job opportunities in India for both me & my wife.

I want to continue living in Singapore, as my salary is stagnating, I hope to go to do an MBA from a top B school (this was a long cherished dream of mine). After my MBA, I don't want to do consulting as there's no life, but hope to get some better paying job. Wife & her family feel its unlikely I'll benefit from the MBA.

Wife and wife's father(he's quite successful in the corporate world in India) feel I'll be too old as an MBA graduate at 34-34 besides all my friends' would have moved up even more in those two years and I'll be left stagnating even more after the MBA.

I had hoped that my wife could perhaps find a job and remain behind in Singapore with that job, so that I can come back & job hunt on her Dependent Pass, she refuses to do this, her parents got furious with this suggestion, they said that like all Indian men, I should've first completed my education before getting married, and if I had plans to do this MBA, I should've married at 35 post this MBA.

I hadn't mentioned to my wife that I had plans to do an MBA before I married her, we had an arranged marriage, the topic of my friends' MBA & her cousins' MBA had come up in a few conversations, I hadn't mentioned my own plans of the MBA then.

We have completed one year of marriage, my wife now says its time we start trying for a baby, as she wants to be a mother before 30, and I am old enough as some of my friends' are already fathers.

I feel I just can't afford a child yet and don't know if/when I will be able to afford one in Singapore. I can easily afford one in India if I lived with my parents.

Her parents too are very keen on a grandchild, her old grandparents too are anxious to be great grandparents.

We had heated arguments on this topic, I had told her that she should've asked me if I want to do an MBA, also she should have told me if she wanted a child early, she says that when a 26 year old woman marries a 30 year old man, she assumes he's completed his education (she says like all my friends' have completed their education) & will settle into family life in a few years, rather than now do a full time MBA, & that if such a man is stagnating, he should move to another city or country instead. I tried for INSEAD in the September 2014 batch & was rejected, I am thinking about re applying again for the January 2015 batch plus applying for US B schools in 2015. My GMAT score is 680.

Should I move back to India in this scenario?


1.Stop benchmarking your life to that of fellow Indians in SG or back in India.

2. Are financial reasons the only thing holding you back from wanting a child? Are you ready to be a father yet? Moving back to India will not solve this one for sure.

3. You can apply for MBA to US universities/INSEAD even from India. Best would be if you can move to Pune with your existing company so you have a job in hand when you relocate and then proceed with your MBA applications etc.

Good luck!
Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are. (Tupac)

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Postby SharadChat » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 6:42 pm

@ Pisceangirl: I don't want to relocate to Pune, I want to continue in Singapore itself, even after this MBA I want a job in Singapore.

I'm not mentally ready to be a father yet, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. I had long discussions with my parents about this, about whether I'll ever want a child because the sufferings I've been through, I don't want my child to go through. I'd even told them to look for a girl who'd never want kids, for me. But I'm not totally against the idea of a child in future. I didn't mention this "ever wanting a child" bit to my wife before marriage, she's very annoyed with this information. She's asked me for a "timeline" when I'll be ready, I said I can't give her that.

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Postby AngMoG » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 7:01 pm

SharadChat wrote:@ Pisceangirl: I don't want to relocate to Pune, I want to continue in Singapore itself, even after this MBA I want a job in Singapore.

I'm not mentally ready to be a father yet, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. I had long discussions with my parents about this, about whether I'll ever want a child because the sufferings I've been through, I don't want my child to go through. I'd even told them to look for a girl who'd never want kids, for me. But I'm not totally against the idea of a child in future. I didn't mention this "ever wanting a child" bit to my wife before marriage, she's very annoyed with this information. She's asked me for a "timeline" when I'll be ready, I said I can't give her that.


I think the saying goes that you can never be completely ready to be a parent. But at 34, you're as ready as you'll ever be. You also need to resolve this with your wife, maybe make a plan for it.

I think the above is a good example of why I never liked the idea of arranged marriage much ;) Though on the other hand, a friend of my wife's got married to a guy who was clear upfront that he didn't want children ... and it has still become a point of contention between them now, a few years after getting married.

I can only repeat, seriously think about moving to India. At your salary level, I would think you'd have a much better life there than you have here.

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Postby pisceangirl » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 7:04 pm

SharadChat wrote:@ Pisceangirl: I don't want to relocate to Pune, I want to continue in Singapore itself, even after this MBA I want a job in Singapore.

I'm not mentally ready to be a father yet, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. I had long discussions with my parents about this, about whether I'll ever want a child because the sufferings I've been through, I don't want my child to go through. I'd even told them to look for a girl who'd never want kids, for me. But I'm not totally against the idea of a child in future. I didn't mention this "ever wanting a child" bit to my wife before marriage, she's very annoyed with this information. She's asked me for a "timeline" when I'll be ready, I said I can't give her that.


I thought as much. I understand the kind of pressures you are under and also the social conditioning that a typical Indian upbringing comprises. My sincere request would be to recognise that you are an adult now and responsible for your own decisions (and consequences). In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with not wanting a child but in all fairness this is an important life decision and impacts your partner and not sharing this with her was wrong. I am not saying that you should have a child because you did not tell her this beforehand- two wrongs don't make a right, but try and appreciate it from your wife's point of view also. Tell her exactly how you feel and you both need to think through your relationship and if you want to continue being together.

Also I sense that you feel resentment towards your wife- first for not getting a job (your ticket to a DP?) and second for her insistence on having children. You are wrong to feel this way on both counts.

Lastly, you need to evaluate your Singapore obsession objectively. People migrate to better places because they believe it will bring them happiness and a better life. But you need to evaluate the cost of your obsession with wanting to live here- it seems like everything else in your life is centred around being here rather than the other way around.

Time for a reality check dude!
Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are. (Tupac)

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Postby PNGMK » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 7:25 pm

So much fortune, so little ability to enjoy.

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Postby SharadChat » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 7:27 pm

Pisceangirl actually earlier my wife was looking for a job, but since she came to know my MBA plans, she has obstinately not searched. I had an arranged marriage and she says she doesn't know anyone in India in an arranged marriage who gets a wife as a placeholder in a particular country while he studies abroad- I should consider moving to my hometown or Pune. and she feels very exploited by this marriage-her parents too feel the same way.

I'm unwilling to go back to India because I really love this city, its a first world country just 4 and a half hours from my hometown in India, I love my friend circle here who're MBA's from top colleges and big i bankers & consultants, they're the "cream" professionally and I generally like being abroad. I have a big extended family in India and I was always the best student of my generation in my childhood, some of my cousins are now working in my hometown in ordinary jobs, I don't want to do the same thing as them. Also, some of my relatives live a semi retired life in India, they look after the family estate office & spend the rest of the say playing golf etc, my mom & I dread I'd become like that. Besides, my first cousin runs the city's biggest jewelry business which is a huge business in India, I can't ever compete with that, which is why my mom feels its best I live abroad(although I can't even compete with my i banker & consultant friends here).

I used to be a school topper, my best friend is in Singapore, he's a senior manager with McKinsey on the way to becoming a Partner, the rest of my friends too are doing very well, I want to "prove" myself once in Singapore before returning to India.

I said I don't want to do consulting as there's no work life balance, I'm looking for some other job with higher pay.

I have a family who owned a business a few generations back.Now the business has been sold, we still have huge property in posh locations in my hometown. My dad owns such a big property in the heart of the city, which he rents out for marriages in India, he earns quite a bit for every marriage & other party. I honestly don't have any business ideas of my own, my dad keeps telling me I should think of business ideas as I come from a business family, I also don't think I have the temperament for business in India, there's way too much bribing & corruption. I could possibly get a job in my hometown & my wife wants to live & work in our hometown.

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Postby pisceangirl » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 7:41 pm

SharadChat wrote:Pisceangirl actually earlier my wife was looking for a job, but since she came to know my MBA plans, she has obstinately not searched. I had an arranged marriage and she says she doesn't know anyone in India in an arranged marriage who gets a wife as a placeholder in a particular country while he studies abroad- I should consider moving to my hometown or Pune. and she feels very exploited by this marriage-her parents too feel the same way.

I'm unwilling to go back to India because I really love this city, its a first world country just 4 and a half hours from my hometown in India, I love my friend circle here who're MBA's from top colleges and big i bankers & consultants, they're the "cream" professionally and I generally like being abroad. I have a big extended family in India and I was always the best student of my generation in my childhood, some of my cousins are now working in my hometown in ordinary jobs, I don't want to do the same thing as them. Also, some of my relatives live a semi retired life in India, they look after the family estate office & spend the rest of the say playing golf etc, my mom & I dread I'd become like that. Besides, my first cousin runs the city's biggest jewelry business which is a huge business in India, I can't ever compete with that, which is why my mom feels its best I live abroad(although I can't even compete with my i banker & consultant friends here).

I used to be a school topper, my best friend is in Singapore, he's a senior manager with McKinsey on the way to becoming a Partner, the rest of my friends too are doing very well, I want to "prove" myself once in Singapore before returning to India.

I said I don't want to do consulting as there's no work life balance, I'm looking for some other job with higher pay.

I have a family who owned a business a few generations back.Now the business has been sold, we still have huge property in posh locations in my hometown. My dad owns such a big property in the heart of the city, which he rents out for marriages in India, he earns quite a bit for every marriage & other party. I honestly don't have any business ideas of my own, my dad keeps telling me I should think of business ideas as I come from a business family, I also don't think I have the temperament for business in India, there's way too much bribing & corruption. I could possibly get a job in my hometown & my wife wants to live & work in our hometown.



No one's disputing your reasons for wanting to live here. But if you don't have a job and a valid residency status it just means you have to leave. Either you find another job or you leave. It really is that simple. And no, your wife is not obliged to play saviour to you, just as you are not obliged to have a child to play saviour to her.

As for the kind of life you choose to lead in India, even that is up to you. India is a big country and you could always choose to live in a different city (not your hometown) say Bangalore or Mumbai and you can avoid obnoxious relatives and comparisons and the baggage. The problem is you are focussed on everything else except your own life.

Move back to India to a 3rd city (not your/your wife's "hometown"), if you really want to, then apply to good schools for an MBA and take it from there.
Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are. (Tupac)

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Postby PNGMK » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 8:07 pm

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/03/01/ ... happiness/

In short; comparing yourself to others will never make you happy.

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Postby Hannieroo » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 10:37 pm

I think there is something very off with living here for 7 years being quite happy to participate in a traditional arranged marriage and then refusing to adhere to the traditions attached. I'm not surprised she's unhappy. What woman asks her future husband if he's going to do an MBA out of the blue? In that situation why would she expect to not have children? Why would she expect to support you whilst you study?

You sound very entitled and I would bet money that's why you're stagnant.

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Postby Beeroclock » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 11:03 pm

Some good advice/feedback here , so what will you do now? Time to take a hard look in the mirror and figure out what's important and what you really want with your life... Only you can decide and then make it happen.

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Postby taxico » Mon, 24 Mar 2014 11:03 pm

SharadChat wrote:...I'm not mentally ready to be a father yet, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready... I didn't mention this "ever wanting a child" bit to my wife before marriage, she's very annoyed with this information. She's asked me for a "timeline" when I'll be ready, I said I can't give her that.


no one is ever ready for kids until they (the kids) pop out and start causing sweet chaos.

- original reply sent by PM instead!
Aut viam ad caelum inveniam aut faciam


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