Calling Other Mums Without Helpers or Maids

Sokyoo · Post by **Sokyoo** » Wed, 26 Feb 2014 12:57 pm

If there's anyone out there who wants to meet similar like-minded mums, please get in touch. I am a SAHM and do not need a maid or a helper and am a bit tired of the suggestion I need a maid - not for me thanks! It would be lovely to meet others who feel the same as me.

BedokAmerican · Post by **BedokAmerican** » Sat, 01 Mar 2014 5:06 pm

I'm a SAHM also. I have a 2-year-old son and live on the East Coast and agree with you totally about the maid issue. When I first moved here, it seemed I was the only one without a live-in maid.

But the longer I've been here, I've realized that's not necessarily the case. Some people with maids have told me that having a maid is more trouble than it's worth and how lucky I am that I don't have a maid.

Feel free to PM me. I think you have to post at least 5 messages on the forum before you can get/send private messages.

Sokyoo · Post by **Sokyoo** » Sun, 02 Mar 2014 11:30 am

After sixty odd views and no replies I was starting to think oh my goodness, I must be alone! Thanks for your reply Bedok, I'd love to PM you but will have to post a bit more first.
I hope I will start to meet more people like me but it just seems like nearly everyone I meet, local and expat alike, has a maid. Some seem like genuinely nice people and I'm sure they have a good relationship with their maid, but I have been less than impressed with the attitudes of some others, quite disgusted actually in some cases. It's left me quite depressed actually, not only the maid culture as a whole but also on a personal level, that I can't relate to any of these women.

BedokAmerican · Post by **BedokAmerican** » Sun, 02 Mar 2014 9:32 pm

I understand that some locals might not know any different if they grew up with a live-in maid (a.k.a. state-sponsored slavery) and always had one because that's common practice in this part of the world.

However, most expats probably never had live-in maids before they got here because many countries have minimum wage and overtime laws. Therefore, it's almost unheard of. But when they get to Singapore, they feel that having a maid makes them feel wealthy and important because only the very wealthy in their home countries have maids--never mind that the maids make peanuts here.

Seriously, though, some people won't leave their kids alone with their maids. Others have to train them on the basics (don't mix bleach and ammonia, keep the hairdryer away from the water...that type of thing) because they know nothing. One person who used to have a maid said to me it was like having an additional child. I'm sure there are plenty of good, experienced maids out there, I just don't want the responsibility of managing someone and then worry about offending them (and having them take it out on my child) by correcting them.

QRM · Post by **QRM** » Mon, 03 Mar 2014 8:33 am

I know a stay at home dad who has 3 kids and no helper! We have a maid but the ground rules here is she does not look after the kid, thats the parents job!

The helper does exactly that help around the house, shopping, cleaning, etc, which is ideal as that leaves more time for the parents to spend nurturing the kids. Sure there is the argument that the children should understand that shopping, cleaning etc should be done by the person who make the mess or eat the food, but I much rather spend time walking along the tree tops walk and exploring the jungles with my kid than doing the dishes.

So far it worked well for us best of both worlds.

Sokyoo · Post by **Sokyoo** » Mon, 03 Mar 2014 11:44 am

Yep, I agree Bedok, I think my gripe also lies with expats and not so much the locals. I've even witnessed expats treating their maids like slaves, having them trail behind them with shopping, it makes me despair.
As for having a maid but not leaving your kids alone with them, if you don't trust them, why are they even in your house, that's unbelievable. The thing that gets me is maids being used for childcare at home who are not required to have any formal qualifications or training, which is something you wouldn't dream of doing in western countries. Kids who are having thousands of dollars' worth of education thrown at them here, the hypocritical and contradictory messages there give me the rage.

Primrose Hill · Post by **Primrose Hill** » Mon, 03 Mar 2014 7:39 pm

I don't have a live-in maid/helper either. We have someone that comes in weekly to do the heavy cleaning and ironing. It was the same arrangement as we had in London.
There are only 3 of us and my daughter is 14 so, there's no need for a live- in

Beeroclock · Post by **Beeroclock** » Mon, 03 Mar 2014 10:11 pm

OP, if you are so confident in your decision and view against having a live -in maid, as you seem to be, why then you allow yourself to get so wound up/enraged/despairing, about this choice made by others ??

Post by **sundaymorningstaple** » Mon, 03 Mar 2014 10:55 pm

I was kind of wondering the same thing. Almost like an anti-immunizationist.

Sokyoo · Post by **Sokyoo** » Mon, 03 Mar 2014 11:58 pm

Maybe I posted too much stuff after my initial post, my fault. I didn't really want this thread to become a discussion as such, I simply wanted to meet or find others who feel like me and to be able to use that as a common ground or a starting point.
Anyone I have met in real life who feels as I do I've felt more of a connection with so the aim of this was to see if there were more people out there. I thought if I lay it on the table right away then I don't have to go through the whole thing of do you have a helper, no, why not, you should, I don't want one, oh I have one and she's great, you should consider it, no really, I don't need one, I'm happy as I am thanks, etc. etc. it's exactly all that stuff that I wanted to avoid!

Beeroclock · Post by **Beeroclock** » Tue, 04 Mar 2014 7:59 am

Fair enough, but maybe difficult to avoid here. My tip would be tune them out, give the benefit of the doubt that they are somehow trying to help you with their advice, and let it go. As for those people who mistreat their maids, leave it to kharma... What goes around comes around. And try not to forget as you said in an earlier post there might even be one or two nice people out there who have maids too

Sokyoo · Post by **Sokyoo** » Tue, 04 Mar 2014 11:49 am

Yes I don't doubt that for a second, Beeroclock, there are all sorts out there and I try my best not to pre-judge and take each person individually, but I have to admit I find that bit hard. The very fact that the system allows the possibility for abuse and exploitation is what I have a problem with, not necessarily all the employers and maids themselves. I really don't care if you are not that into housework and can afford to have someone else to do it for you.
Maybe I have to employ a new tactic - if anyone tries the helper spiel on me then I should do the same - have you tried not having a helper? You should really give it a go, it's great, I love it, why don't you consider it, I love it etc etc. Annoying? Much.

Beeroclock · Post by **Beeroclock** » Tue, 04 Mar 2014 12:28 pm

Or next time the unsolicited helper spiel comes, just say "yeah but have you seen the recent statistics on adultery between maids and male household members"........ and watch their face drop

That will probably kill the conversation.

On a more serious note, despite all the glowing advice, having a maid is not all it's cracked up to be. I agree with the last paragraph in Bedok's earlier post, it takes a lot of effort to manage and you need a lot of luck to find the right person that fits well with your household. You can find many other threads about this.

I used to be like you and reject the concept outright, but after much thought we eventually changed our mind. There are still some bad days we question it, but overall we feel the arrangement works for us, and to be clear from the outset we have gone to some lengths to ensure our maid is treated properly and fairly (according to friends/colleagues we spoil her quite badly, but it's ok for us).

Travailes · Post by **Travailes** » Tue, 04 Mar 2014 1:19 pm

I'm at SAHD with 2 kids, lived in Sing for 3 years, and don't have a helper but not for reasons of temptation I assure you. Simply not necessary and my kids are tasked with jobs (as they always have been) that doesn't necessitate the need for servants. Personally, I cringe when I see how some of these helpers are treated, bite my lip and move on.

BedokAmerican · Post by **BedokAmerican** » Tue, 04 Mar 2014 3:18 pm

Skyoo,

I tried to reply to your PM but it appears to be sitting in my outbox instead of my sent box. Hopefully it'll transfer to you soon.

I don't use the PM function too often, so maybe I did something wrong.

Forum regulars:
Is this supposed to happen? I checked the FAQ and didn't see anything about this. Thanks!

SINGAPORE EXPATS FORUM
Singapore Expat Forum and Message Board for Expats in Singapore & Expatriates Relocating to Singapore

Calling Other Mums Without Helpers or Maids

Calling Other Mums Without Helpers or Maids

Who is online