Consulting children on relocating to Singapore

[dermnurse]

My husband and I are seriously considering a job offer for him in Singapore. We have an 8 year old son, who does not yet know that there is even a possibility of moving. We thought it best to wait until we know for sure that we're going to need to go somewhere - then tell him right away so that he can adjust to the idea, ask questions, etc. We want to be prepared to tell him where we'll be living, where he will go to school, how he'll keep in touch with local friends and family, etc.

We've always tried to instill in him a sense of belonging and partnership in our family. In other words, we try to include him in our decision making whenever possible. Unfortunately, this may not be one of those times.

Right now, we are both working full time and are quite busy. We are stressed and tired most of the time, and not really the parents we want to be. We'd also like to have another child - and our son has been lobbying for a younger sibling - but we'd be nuts to try for that what with the level of stress we have right now.

By relocating, we will be able to afford to be a single-income family, and I'm hoping to finally gain that happy family balance that we've all been wishing for.

Of course, this is all good news to our son, who would like to see more of me - and have happier times with his dad.

But an 8 year old just isn't a rational person, and I know this will pale in comparison to the trauma of moving across the globe and leaving behind everything he's ever known (except his parents). Keep in mind, this is a child who has lived in the same place his whole life. (So has his mom... yikes!)

My question to you, parents of expat kids - how did you break the news to them? Were your children involved in the decision making? Did you find a way to make them FEEL included even though the decision wasn't really up to them? Afterwards, how quickly did they adjust?

I am lobbying with my husband that I feel it's important we live in a neighborhood where there are at least some other expats - I want some of his classmates to live close enough to visit without having to use public transit. This will be a contrast to the present (we are currently so busy we have had 1 friend over in the last year).

Any advice or thoughts are welcome. Thanks in advance.

[merichan]

Really depends on your child...


Making them feeling involved in the decision process might have adverse effects, as they might feel a responsibility where to be honest they have none.


Kids most of the time don't like changes... and to think they can influence the decision can lead to anxiety, being even more angry.


However, as long as you are clear in your communication that it's gonna happen and he can't change anything about, involve him in process like letting him learn about the new place, what activities will he be able to do here ( " you're going to have a swimming pool you can swim in all year long" for example ) so he can try to picture what life here is going to be like

[ali-sha]

Back in 2005 I had a 6 year old and a 4 year old. My ex and I had decided to move to London from Australia. We mentioned to the kids early on that we may be moving to where the Queen lives, put it in their terms if you know what I mean. When our visas came through, there were no issues with the kids, they were going overseas with Mum and Dad and were excited about the new change. Once in the UK, there were no issues. They loved where we lived, loved that they could make more friends and enjoyed school and their new life. Then bring on 15 months later, we told them again that they would be moving, this time to the UAE. This was a completely different change for all of us involved. But again, the kids embraced the new change, the new school, new friends and new environment. Unfortunately, things did not work out for my marriage and I returned back home to Australia, however the children stayed with their father in the UAE. The children relocated back to Australia in mid 2012 and again, just adapted to their new location (the other side of the country from me). In January this year, they relocated back to UAE. I asked them how they felt, they are now 15 & 13, and they are happy. When asked about their friends, they said that there were plenty of ways to stay in contact.

I think your son will embrace the change.

[beppi]

Usually, children adapt to such changes much faster and with less issues than their accompanying adults.

[Beeroclock]

I agree with merichan... Ultimately a major life decision such as this is for the parent's to make with your children's best interests in mind. Involving him in the decision is risky unless you are really prepared to give him the casting vote, it might backfire and make it worse. I would focus on making the right decision yourselves, and then how to communicate it well to your son.

[x9200]

Yep, it may easily happen he will not agree with the decision or some part of it and then the whole effort to have him involved will backfire indeed making the situation much worse than if the decision was made without his contribution.

[PNGMK]

As a missionary kid I was moved multiple times. There was no question of my opinion having any influence until my late teens but my parents did a good job of it regardless and I used to see the move as fun and exciting.

[Max Headroom]

Why not ask expat kids? I was one when we moved to Singapore. I was older than your son, 14 at the time, but when my parents brought the news to me that we may be moving to Singapore, I remember feeling a buzz of excitement. Tinged a bit with a sense of impending separation from my then friends, sure. But mostly excitement.

In the end, my years in Singapore were my best ever. Always wanted to return after moving back to Europe. And I did.

Everyone is different of course. My sisters didn't have as much as a blast as me during our years here.

Still, either way, so long as you keep an eye on the pitfalls, I reckon a stint in Singapore is more likely to be good than bad for kids.

[sundaymorningstaple]

In the end, my years in Singapore were my best ever. Always wanted to return after moving back to Europe. And I did.

Everyone is different of course. My sisters didn't have as much as a blast as me during our years here.

Yeah, I reckon for hormonal young girls it's rougher here than for horny young guys. Pickins' not as suitable for their tastes. Young hormonal guys catch yellow fever easily. Girls not so....

[QRM]

All depends on the the kid, mine loves moving! I always ask her and when it comes to a vote we always settle it with stone paper scissors, I know she always chooses stone on the first try!

A wise old architect once told me, let the client have the impression that they are making making decisions on a project by giving them choices that have already been vetted and staged managed.

[Hannieroo]

We don't give them a say in the actual move but they do get a say in school and house.

Just heavily point out the advantages. The weather, the sheer amount there is for families to do, the financials, no dark nights so bike rides with dad etc. My husband went from 4 months a year traveling to maybe 1 month a year and the commute is so small he leaves in the morning when we do and arrives home half an hour before dinner. At home he left before the children woke and arrived home half an hour before bed. And with the Internet and face time it's not as hard as it was.

Pick your school, then your home. Accept that to get the right location you'll either have to choose between a small home that's smart or a larger home that has kitchens or bathrooms out of the ark. The only person I know who hasn't made that choice has a rent allowance of 20k a month.

We've done a few locations, 4 of them when my eldest was aged 8 to 10. Kids are resilient and International Schools are great for welcoming. Everybody there knows how it feels. At that age he'll have 3 new best friends and 7 play dates by week 2.

If you get airfreight make sure it's at least 1 box of toys, we sent the bikes too. Try and arrive in the school holidays, jet lag at that age can be horrid and a couple of weeks before school will make a huge difference. We shifted 13 hours once and he went to bed at 4pm every day and got up at 3am. Breakfast was dinner from the room service menu, eaten at dawn.

[nutnut]

My kids were a little younger than yours when we moved, we told them about it, but, didn't give them the choice. Right now, if we decided to move from SG to somewhere else, we would probably do a similar thing.

Our kids adapted far quicker than we did, that's for sure, I would not underestimate their ability to adapt.

[sundaymorningstaple]

All depends on the the kid, mine loves moving! I always ask her and when it comes to a vote we always settle it with stone paper scissors, I know she always chooses stone on the first try!

A wise old architect once told me, let the client have the impression that they are making making decisions on a project by giving them choices that have already been vetted and staged managed.

I always gave my kids choices of my choosing, that way they had several options, any which was okay by me, but as you noted, by giving them a say of choosing which one, made them feel like part of the process.

[Max Headroom]

Yeah, I reckon for hormonal young girls it's rougher here than for horny young guys. Pickins' not as suitable for their tastes. Young hormonal guys catch yellow fever easily. Girls not so....

No comment

[Primrose Hill]

Yeah, I reckon for hormonal young girls it's rougher here than for horny young guys. Pickins' not as suitable for their tastes. Young hormonal guys catch yellow fever easily. Girls not so....

No comment

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