Ignorance is not bliss

[IN shock]

ive put this under rubbish because maybe this issue is rubbish to some and i dont feel i have a right to much air time on this board but need to vent

just discovered by 'accident' that a guy ive been seeing for a month has been dating several other women. it took me a while to get involved with him physically and we saw each other several times a week and weekends, regular calls, emails, talks of holidays together..

i dont understand... one of the girls saw me at a pub with him and when he went to the loo came n gave me her nbr and said she had something to tell me, not to tell him

i called her and she said she suspected the same thing, that she had been away for a month so she suspected during this time he wuld be up to something cos she has seen sms from other girls during her time with him for 3 months byut she cruised along because she said she had nothing better to do.

i am not that kind of person and i am shell shocked,, i had chances to date other guys but i didnt besides we spent a lot of time together....

i asked him about it and he denied, got angry, threw a fit, accused ME of fooling around and told me to walk away "if that is what you want"

what on earth is going on??? this happened yesterday and i havent had a chance to take this all in, its just hit me...

I can feel the pain but i cant cry, we got along so well in every way... why did he have to fool around.. or am i the fool?

[kansah]

i think what you need is a confrontation between you, your boyfriend and the other girl. arrange it so that none of the two won't know. this way, you will have closure or at ascertain who is telling the truth. the sooner the better. preferably this weekend.

my imagination could be running on overdrive here, but you can't take what the other woman told you on face value. she could be a scorned woman or something (an ex-girlfriend?). hence, why would she ask you to contact her behind your boyfriend's back?

i'm sure if you trust the guy that much you will have a way of knowing whether he is lying or not, right?

don't be put off by how upset he got. as long as you discussed the whole thing in a calm, rational manner that is.

i shouldn't point this out, but where does he get accusing YOU of fooling around? you were discussing whether the info you got is correct or not, right? he shouldn't be affected that much.

tsk tsk tsk. MEN...can't live with them, can't live without them.

[Guest]

--she has forwarded me the hot emails between them.. its been going on for a while, before he started dating me

-- i had been asking him in early stages of our dating if he was seeing anyone, that i would rather he tell me honestly than for me to find out later cos at least i know where i stand- he said very matter of factly that there was nobody, that he had ended the last relationship which he claims was casual
-- she is not scorned because she knew what he was like or she suspected and so didnt see him as long term material
-- accusing me--exactly!!! but this is what a lot of guys do when they are 'caught' or confronted because they need to make us feel like shite! instead of having the balls to own up-
--- i was told by a male friend that making the girl break up with you is to take the guilt off him, so thats why he says "if u want to end this, then i cant stop u" but that is really saying, ok next!!

Where are men like this bred? Is there some kind of 'camp' they are sent to where there learn to not have a conscience?

i think what you need is a confrontation between you, your boyfriend and the other girl. arrange it so that none of the two won't know. this way, you will have closure or at ascertain who is telling the truth. the sooner the better. preferably this weekend.

my imagination could be running on overdrive here, but you can't take what the other woman told you on face value. she could be a scorned woman or something (an ex-girlfriend?). hence, why would she ask you to contact her behind your boyfriend's back?

i'm sure if you trust the guy that much you will have a way of knowing whether he is lying or not, right?

don't be put off by how upset he got. as long as you discussed the whole thing in a calm, rational manner that is.

i shouldn't point this out, but where does he get accusing YOU of fooling around? you were discussing whether the info you got is correct or not, right? he shouldn't be affected that much.

tsk tsk tsk. MEN...can't live with them, can't live without them.

[kahlan]

So, what is the status of your relationship now? Are you still with him? Or have broken things up with him?

As for the men, you really can't generalize. Considering that women do this too. And yes, it is an asian thing to have the other person dump you instead of you dumping them to lessen the guilt.

But in the end. The decision is up to you. Whether you are going to stay or move on to a better and more honest relationship!

[Guest]

So, what is the status of your relationship now? Are you still with him? Or have broken things up with him?

As for the men, you really can't generalize. Considering that women do this too. And yes, it is an asian thing to have the other person dump you instead of you dumping them to lessen the guilt.

But in the end. The decision is up to you. Whether you are going to stay or move on to a better and more honest relationship!

He is not Asian (now thats not surprising is it!! no i dont want to generalise either.. but the ang moh men are complete and utter bastards and ive read about so many women having this kind of problem.. bloody hell i am tempted to go to his office and tell them all what an utter bastard he is!) and any self righteous shit out there who wants to tell me"oh woman scorned" and all that crap.. spare me please!

men like this need to be taught a lesson - the married ones who fool around, the single ones who bullshit, the attached ones...any man who just cant tell the truth..really needs to be publicly flogged! I am not asian and this is not about asian or western or causcasian - its just about men- who are badly brought up, have no manners, no respect for women...

if u are a guy reading this and gloating adnd thinking i was a silly bitch- well think again- i think i really get that article now on emotional rape- i didnt think too much of it then but i really do get it now-

when a man who rapes a woman physically/sexually n is caught he goes to jail.. yet when a woman is emotionallyu raped he gets away scott free...

where is the justice?

[IN shock]

sorry those two guest posts above were me... too shakey to think properly

[Global Citizen]

Dump him, yeah dump his sorry ass because he doesn't deserve you.

He's not worth all that energy you've obviously put into this relationship and you deserve much better. If he's not honest right from the outset, chances are it'll only go downhill from here and if you don't have trust, it makes for a lousy relationship.

I understand your anger, pain and the betrayal but I'd think twice before confronting him in public at the office because apart from giving you temporary satisfaction, it's not going to change him and if you live here, and are a part of a small community, who knows there may be repercussions if you wanted to start over with someone else. That's only my opinion of course and you must do what you think is best for you.

If there's a silver lining here, it would be that you found out soon before you got in any deeper and karma - you reap what you sow and mark my words, someday he'll get his just desserts.

Hang in there please.

[kahlan]

where is the justice?

You will just have to console yourself by taking the moral high ground. But, that is no consolation is it? It is tempting to tell people off what a jerk or lying s**t somebody actually is. But, as Global Citizen just said, that only offers temporary satisfaction. You will have to deal and live with the consequences of your actions.

At the same time, you should thank your lucky stars for finding out sooner rather than later.

Where are men like this bred? Is there some kind of 'camp' they are sent to where there learn to not have a conscience?

I have a friend who married a philandering man. They have fought so many times about this behavior and each time, she forgave him. Until one day she couldn't take it anymore and she finally left him. While we were talking, we got around to her husband's family. And she mentioned that the family has a history of philandering. That the husband's father did it to his mother and him as well as the rest of his male siblings fool around as well.

I think, fooling around has something to do with what we learn about as kids. If kids see their parents doing it without any consequences, then chances are, they will do it as adults because they don't consider it bad at all.[/quote]

[Vaucluse]

I'd disagree with you there:

I think, fooling around has something to do with what we learn about as kids. If kids see their parents doing it without any consequences, then chances are, they will do it as adults because they don't consider it bad at all.

My father screwed around when he was married, but neither my brother nor I do. I can say the same for many guys I know.

It is an indivdual's choice and blaming it on parents, TV or whatever is just finding a quick excuse.

As for confronting him in public . . . sigh, why oh why do that to YOURELF? You will be seen as a slapper. Fair? Definitely not. Probable? Yes.

[Wind In My Hair]

Poor Shock, you must be terribly hurt and angry. How about just taking a week off, absolutely no phone or email contact with him, to heal your hurt and listen to your heart, whether you believe he is innocent or not.

Space sounds like a good idea right now, amidst all the confusion. You can always call him after a week if you relent. And if you decide to walk away it will be easier after the short break. ALso, if he doesn't call you the entire week then you will know just how much he cares about you.

[Port of Call]

I'd disagree with you there:

I think, fooling around has something to do with what we learn about as kids. If kids see their parents doing it without any consequences, then chances are, they will do it as adults because they don't consider it bad at all.

My father screwed around when he was married, but neither my brother nor I do. I can say the same for many guys I know.

It is an indivdual's choice and blaming it on parents, TV or whatever is just finding a quick excuse.

As for confronting him in public . . . sigh, why oh why do that to YOURELF? You will be seen as a slapper. Fair? Definitely not. Probable? Yes.

Actually a higher percentage of adults DO follow their parent's traits rather than not! A man whose father beats him, siblings n mother as a child may not end up as a wife n child beater - not a physical abuser BUT surely an emotional abuser- and there are many ways of emotionally abusing people-

Having said that the children of this man may grow in different directions - one may become like the father and the other may be the complete opposite but we definitely take on the sins of our fathers in one way or another!! and if we are not aware of the baggage we have taken on we will pass it on to our spouses and children- its called projection and transference