He in UK, She in Singapore - Life choices, need opinions

[januavi]

He: 31 yo. French Black living in London. Works as marketing executive in a marketing firm. Family lives in France and has a pair of siblings with disabilities. Earns £25 000 per annum

She: 28 yo. Singaporean Chinese living in Singapore. Works as IT consultant. Family in Singapore. Earns $60 000 per annum

They met whilst she was living in London and had been together for 2 years before she went back to Singapore in 2008 to do her entry clearance as a highly skilled migrant. They split up since then when he knew she couldn't get back to UK due to a 1 year ban by the british Immgrations (Blame her then-employer who screwed up her paperwork to remain. Long story). They tried dating other people during the period apart. She went back to London to see him recently as the ban was over finally. Girl really loves the boy and sees him as a life partner. Boy said, 'likewise, i will do my best for you but we have to be realistic and see what options we have as my situation is complicated because of my family'. Boy also loves the girl very much. They are taking these coming 6 months to consider all the options.

Problem: His parents are in their 60s, both siblings are incapable of taking care of themselves. He does not want to go back to France and does not want to stay in London too. Luckily both parents are relatively heathly now and he could do whatever he likes but the responsibility of taking care of his siblings will fall on his shoulders if his parents fall sick or pass on eventually. Ideally, both him and his partner will work and live in France but in fact, that is not the case. Girl is ready to share this responsibility with him and has made it very clear. She asked him to move to Singapore to try it out since he has no idea where he wants to be and what he wants to do although she doesn't mind making the sacrifices and doesn't mind where they live. He is willing to consider. Girl thinks that they might have a better quality of life in Singapore then if he remains in the UK or France.

Anyone has any good advice or experience that is similar? Anyone has any experience bringing disabled persons into Singapore or dealing with disabled persons in france? Would like to hear from you.

[littlegreenman]

This is probably not what you would like to here but as it is only their decision to make, they should sit down together, write down a list with all options the pros and cons and then make a decision together.

My wife and me were a bit in a tricky situation before we got married and we found that no friend or anybody else could give us advise. It was up to us to find our way. Also it will be inevitable that something/someone has to give. So all you can do is gather as much information on what to expect where and then make that decision and live with it; don't look back and deal with the consequences together as they come.

Good luck.

[chloejnr]

Hi there,

I'd just like to say that I am also in Singapore and he in London. We met while I was living in London.

For certain reasons, I have to be back in Singapore while he remains there in the UK.

Not sure what advice to offer, but only to say you are not alone in your situation.

Due to my background, I am perhaps abit more sceptical and cynical about love and marriage, although I really love him, and I believe he does love me too. We both know we cannot promise each other anything except to try our best. Time and distance is a formidable thing. We just try and make our best efforts to stay in touch via visits, emails, texts, phone calls.

I think that if you are meant to be together, and both parties try their best, it will eventually work out for good. If not, it was probably not meant to be.

I would like to live in the UK with him but then I am concerned about the quality of life in UK as well, with its high cost of living and crime rate. I am 30 now, and hoping that if I ever settle down with a man, he will be someone I have children with. Right now, the UK doesn't seem like the best place to raise children, really. So many issues!

I will just see what happens and take it one day at a time...

[ksl]

I can see the OP has a problem and a responsibility with his children and their disability.
It would be very very difficult in Singapore for him and his children, especially financially with no welfare available to help him out.

His girlfriend should also be thinking why he has 2 disabled children, if she is thinking of a family of her own, what are the risks, after all it is a very big step to take. Love is but a signal of introduction, commitment is worth much more than the feeling of butterflies in the tummy each morning.

Marriage is bloody hard work, blood sweat and tears in most cases, and the quality of life is way down the ladder for those that put commitment first...
The safety of a Country is all psychological pressure and experience, if one is over protective and lack experience its very difficult to make a choice.

With 60 million people in UK, and only 4.8 million in Singapore, I can see that many Singaporeans will be paranoid with the safety aspect, after all they are not even allowed to climb on the monkey bars, if parents are with them.

If one really loves, they just do it, and deal with the consequences as they arrive, the problem is that the word love is misunderstood, the vows one give in marriage, are unconditional, commitment is the word for a successful marriage and there will always be ups and downs, to deal with.

Parents raise children, not Countries! what is there to be afraid of? Quality of life is what you make it. I do not see any quality of life for Children in Singapore, when they are under constant pressure to study and not play, and work 12 hrs a day when they grow up Now if you are on 9 to 5, then okay, it helps!

Singapore is a good Country, not as safe as many believe, the opportunist criminal will bide his time, because he fears the law. In UK the criminal doesn't fear the law. I would rather live in my glorious UK any time, If I could escape the bloody bureaucracy and politics. I will return in glory....

I would suggest to get married in UK, expect the spouse to be deported, back to Singapore until all the paper work is complete around 3 months, live one year in UK, then move to a better place in Europe like Scandinavia if one is concerned about quality of life.

25K in London is a poor income, you need at least 35k, 25k is what they pay in the North of UK, I would check that you are on the right pay scale, with a London weighting allowance. Although it does depend on your occupation and experience!

[littlegreenman]

Good post from ksl,

couldn't agree more with the commitment factor a marriage brings with it. Either you are ready to make whatever life throws at the two of you work, or you are not.

The quality of life in London is terrible. The wife and me were on GBP 100k a year together, we live in the west end and still, my motorcycle got stole once, vandalised once and our car had its windows smashed twice (all within the two years since we came here). The neighbours are pigs, they can't even throw their garbage in the rubbish shed but only put it in front of the door for the rats to come and in the basement we have drug dealers the rozzers are never able to catch. The list is long. Politics and bureaucracy in the UK are a general problem. But London, no way. We just came here for the money in the short term and will be leaving next year. Other parts of the UK are nicer to live in I was told but you end up earning only half of what you earn in London.

Another thing to consider: as the OP's partner is French you they can move to every EEA country once they are married (EEA=EU+Norway+Iceland+Liechtenstein) at any time by applying for an EEA family permit. I did this for my wife as I am German and she is Singaporean and we had it in 1 day without any cost (they have to be for free by European law). I second ksl's statement, Skandinavia would be my choice. Not necessarily Finland but most likely Norway (because it is not in the EU and they don't have to pay for French farmers...). Plus everyone is fluent in English in Norway and Sweden as TV is always in English.

[Jeppo]

I can see the OP has a problem and a responsibility with his children and their disability.
It would be very very difficult in Singapore for him and his children, especially financially with no welfare available to help him out.

Reread the OP, it's his SIBLINGS, ie. brothers/sisters. In fact it's said 3 times in the OP, or have they changed the meaning of siblings?

[littlegreenman]

I can see the OP has a problem and a responsibility with his children and their disability.
It would be very very difficult in Singapore for him and his children, especially financially with no welfare available to help him out.

Reread the OP, it's his SIBLINGS, ie. brothers/sisters. In fact it's said 3 times in the OP, or have they changed the meaning of siblings?

I noticed that from the beginning actually. Come to think about it, will they actually be able to bring the siblings in? I think only parents can get PR through their children but not siblings, isn't it? Maybe they could get an LTSVP though.

[sundaymorningstaple]

I believe you are correct.

[Jeppo]

Yeah, I don't think you can sponsor siblings. Plus, there's also the fact that they're disbaled, which adds the "burden to the state" factor. Of course this would only be for when his parents are gone and he takes responsibility for them. In the mean time, what they need to decide whether coming here for the time being is what's best for them, with the idea that they'll probably have to move on when the inevitable happens.

[cedros699]

Why don't you try to move to Singapore ?
The quality of life is better than the UK, France, ... and the weather is wayyy better than Norway where it's horrible and they have some of the highest tax rates

[econoMIC]

That is missing the point cedros699. She will not be able to sponsor her siblings and the medical care will be prohibitively expensive while it is for free in other countries. So for the OP the quality of living would certainly not be higher than in Europe.

[johns1276]

Hi, ivre just arived in sing ti ive wiith my gf and get married...whilst there were issues it came down to lets try...if u you truly want it to work then it will..but...my concern would be the children. Yes UK is not as good as sing re crime and litter and etc.... however i believe social provision for the children may have the edge in uk...as a single dad i raaised my children in uk and its environment of crime etc..(i must add the cime is low level stuff..public order which can be avoided..usually drink involved)...and managed to get thorugh it...i now have twio well adjusted children maing there way in the world...id suggest you move away from london as costs are simply ridiculous...the recession is alledgedly coming to an end...also and election is looming... no there isnt a link say i cynically....love is wonderful but Finance is a required element...i believe you d have more chance of success in uk ...good luck...john

[johns1276]

PS..better mention ......the weather in uk is bloomin horrible.j

[barney11]

He: 31 yo. French Black living in London. Works as marketing executive in a marketing firm. Family lives in France and has a pair of siblings with disabilities. Earns £25 000 per annum

She: 28 yo. Singaporean Chinese living in Singapore. Works as IT consultant. Family in Singapore. Earns $60 000 per annum

They met whilst she was living in London and had been together for 2 years before she went back to Singapore in 2008 to do her entry clearance as a highly skilled migrant. They split up since then when he knew she couldn't get back to UK due to a 1 year ban by the british Immgrations (Blame her then-employer who screwed up her paperwork to remain. Long story). They tried dating other people during the period apart. She went back to London to see him recently as the ban was over finally. Girl really loves the boy and sees him as a life partner. Boy said, 'likewise, i will do my best for you but we have to be realistic and see what options we have as my situation is complicated because of my family'. Boy also loves the girl very much. They are taking these coming 6 months to consider all the options.

Problem: His parents are in their 60s, both siblings are incapable of taking care of themselves. He does not want to go back to France and does not want to stay in London too. Luckily both parents are relatively heathly now and he could do whatever he likes but the responsibility of taking care of his siblings will fall on his shoulders if his parents fall sick or pass on eventually. Ideally, both him and his partner will work and live in France but in fact, that is not the case. Girl is ready to share this responsibility with him and has made it very clear. She asked him to move to Singapore to try it out since he has no idea where he wants to be and what he wants to do although she doesn't mind making the sacrifices and doesn't mind where they live. He is willing to consider. Girl thinks that they might have a better quality of life in Singapore then if he remains in the UK or France.

Anyone has any good advice or experience that is similar? Anyone has any experience bringing disabled persons into Singapore or dealing with disabled persons in france? Would like to hear from you.

I think they would do better by moving to the uk/france where there are socialistic governments

[Superglide]

I think they would do better by moving to the uk/france where there are socialistic governments

How much of a socialist is Sarkozy?