Dial If You Are Mental

[Mental]

Hello and Welcome to the Institute of Mental Health Hotline...

If you are Obsessive compulsive, press 1, repeatedly...

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you...

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6...

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.. . If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship...

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press...

If you are a Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press... no one will answer...

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line…

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.. . If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep...

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later...

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you.