Do you call this a marriage ?

[sad _soul]

Hi married people out there, I hope that after reading my case, you will be able to give me a good suggestion. Those who want to reply sarcastic or dumb things,please do not do so.

I am a 28 year old ,working mother of 2 kids,aged 2+ and 5 months respectively. I work on shifts and my hubby is on irregular hours but has more time at home. My kids are looke after by my maid ( I just got her ).

Thing is that ,there has been no intimacy, hugs or kisses or sex between us. I gave birth in March, and since Oct 04,till now I havent had sex with my hubby, neither has he initiated it. Partly ,was my last semester of pregnancy and also my post natal period.

When we get home after work ,we just sit and talk. If we ever do go out,its just for dinner at times. I am missing all the passion and intimacy in my marriage and somehow, I am feeling very lonely. I have tried to adopt a habit of not talking to my hubby but a friend told me that I should talk to him about my feelings.
Well , I have done so lately 3 times, but I know he understands what I am trying to say but somehow he cant be bothered cos he says tht when he gets home from work,, my kids tend to cling to him and he cant even rest.
i have tried asking him to go for a short holiday but he says he cant get leave and also he cant trust the maid with the kids. Also, he tells me that since both my kids were unplanned and born in the same month, he doesnt want to 'do it ' now. Apart from work, he doesnt go anywhere cos he takes care of my kids too much. So , icant even say tht he is having an affair.

He may the type of man who loves me very much but doesnt know how to show it. Somehow, I am the romantic type. I dont know what to do , and I have been gettin bad migraines thinking of this.He doesnt even give me a kiss!!! or hug!!!!! I have told him that he seems more like a friend than a husband but he merely laughs it off cos he thinks i am too sensitive and crazy.....as a human, i too ,feel like being loved but i am not getting it. I dont know if any married couple out there is having this problem.

According to my hubby, he says let everything be cool as it is .. is there something wrong.. i dont know.............

[Guest]

Well,my case is almost the with You.
i am 27year old,no children,marry for 4year
since i know my husband ,i havnt been working as he wont allow me to work.
so all most of time is at Home..
i have no worry in money..but really lonely,my husband working from Monday to Sat..The only Sunday,he rather sleep at home or watch DvD
We also din Have much sex after marry..Maybe before marry,we already have sex..

He is a very Good husband,i must said..and i belive in him
but it just that we like old folk!
I always tell him to bring me out,like going to kala or movie on Sunday..but when the Sunday cume,he always too tired to move!
Even thoug friends found me so lucky to have a good husband,and no worry to buy all kinds of Branded Goods..But inside my heart,i really lonely..
Thiking wanting have children,but i dont want have children cos me is lonely and boring..as children is not a Pet!

Me maybe just live what i have now...this is all fate

[Vaucluse]

Well, Guest, it seems your situation is different from sad_soul - it seems yours is/was possibly based on the foundation of materialism - perhaps that has changed now, but it seems a fairly hollow existence for you - especially if he doesn't want you to work - and you agree with this wish, or at least do nothing about it.

Sad_Soul, I think you will find it quite common for a man not to initiate sex after you have given birth, especially if he witnessed the birth - as I hope most men would want to nowadays. It's a mixture of being horrified at the pain you went through, the view of your vagina being the 'birthplace' of your child and not wanting to 'sully' this thought and the vulnerability you might be feeling.
I'm not saying that any of these ideas are rational, they clearly are not, especially when intimacy has been missing from your lives.
Can't really understand why he doesn't kiss or cuddle you, possibly he feels jealous of the attention you have to give to your newborn.

There are a plethora of explanations, none of which are that he does not love you anymore - don't despair, try to talk openly about it, without being too pleading. Be enticing and don't be afraid to tell him what you want - not need - want.

You may find this a whole lot of bunk, but these are just observations from personal experience and those of friends.

[Guest]

maybe the hubby is gay? you never know, many gay men are pressurized by family to get married and have kids. After the babies are made, the sex end.

[Wind In My Hair]

dear sad soul,

i'm not married but i know several couples who basically became more like brother and sister rather than husband and wife after a few years of marriage, and usually after having kids. there is conversation and affection but no physical intimacy. so the first consolation you have is that you are not alone.

if you can't get him to talk then maybe get the help of a third party whom he can open up to. a marriage counsellor can also help to work through the issues with both of you. it could be a simple matter of him being afraid of having more children in which case contraceptives, if you are not against this, may be the solution. or he could be stressed. or he may find it hard to feel sexy with you with two kids around. i don't know.

i'm sorry, i know it must be hard for you. how about getting out there and exercise, and start wearing sexy clothes and make-up... not for him but for yourself. just make yourself feel good. sounds like you need it. and who knows, when you feel good about yourself and feel and look sexy... he may start to come around in time.

you take care, girl.

[Wham]

sad_soul,

I am a 42 yr old husband with an adorable wife and two young children of similar ages. The first several years after having children are very difficult and your experience is quite common. Relax - you are not alone. The fact that your husband seems to take an active roll in raising the children is a good sign of his love and committment. Perhaps it would be easier to stop thinking in terms of a "romantic trip" - because that creates a lot of pressure - and start by trying to arrange a "date night" every other week or so to give yourselves that little room that you need. Good sex starts over a bottle of wine and a good conversation - but there is nothing that is more of a turn off than the appearance of desperation. ...and by the way - are you back in shape after having the kids? Not trying to get too personal - but it is often an issue...

[Global Citizen]

Hi sad_soul,

You've been given some really sound advice and suggestions by the posters above.

The question I have for you is was your husband the romantic type or demonstrative of his love for you via hugs and kisses before the birth of your kids? If he wasn't, there's your answer as some men are afraid to show emotion or aren't as expressive due to upbringing and culture. He isn't doing anything very different now then, if the answer is no, except for the intercourse part and that may be due to some of the reasons already outlined by some of the posters above.

Either way, you need to have a heart to heart with him as your needs aren't being met and you'll end up being resentful and frustrated. Do so by being non threatening. Instead tell him how much you love and care for him and how much your marriage and kids mean to you and how you'd like to see your relationship improve and this is one of the areas you'd like both of you to work on. Ask him outright, what the problem(s) is, that is acting as a deterrent to your intimacy as a couple and how can you personally help improve the situation. Then throw the ball right back in his court, by suggesting how he too can help play his part in getting back on track to an improved and loving relationship. Also, discuss contraception options as that seems to be an issue for him. He too may be feeling resentful and neglected.
Bottomline: Communication is Key.

Counselling with a marriage therapist is definitely an option if you're not getting through but some men are quite reluctant to see any counsellor, based on my observations.

Good Luck and All the Best.

[Shabu-Shabu]

Wind in my hair is absolutely right! If you don't feel good about yourself and worry about that guy it's not going to help yourself!
You should get out there, lose a bit of weight, dress in sexy clothes and get some make up done for yourself!
Go for a facial, get yourself glowing and pamper yourself, give yourself a pat on the back for having 2 gorgeous kids your husband and yourself can love.
In fact, why not instead of asking for it, you can pretend you're not so interested. Men get bored if you keep taking the initiative, sometimes you have to play the mouse and let him do the catching!
I know its hard because you want some intimacy, but you can take the intiative to peck him lightly on the lips before he goes to work, and when he comes back, a big hug whenever you feel like it, but no talk about sex.

Soon he'd probably think he has been a little harsh on you, you've been really understanding, and he'll start to feel like he's been neglecting you a little.
You can also surprise him by not getting into the "normal" routine of how you'd normally initiate intimacy.
Haha, well all this stuff came from a woman's magazine I've been reading. They got some good stuff.
Go out, pamper yourself, buy some sexy stuff, spritz some unusual, sexy perfume (like walk in a departmental store with him one day, let him smell the perfumes, he'll probably tell you which one he likes and you'd tell what really makes him sit up and notice) and strut your stuff and he'll notice!!

[bad vibes]

I'm getting some bad vibes when I read about this situation. Personally, I feel that men simply are not capable of having no sex for a few months. That's simply impossible. I agree about going to a counsellor. You gotta find out how hubby is getting his sexual outlet.

[sundaymorningstaple]

I'm getting some bad vibes when I read about this situation. Personally, I feel that men simply are not capable of having no sex for a few months. That's simply impossible. I agree about going to a counsellor. You gotta find out how hubby is getting his sexual outlet.

I'm getting worse vibes because you obviously have your head shoved up that canal where the sun never shines. You don't even have a clue.

[k1w1]

Come on, guys. Losing weight is not the answer, and not even necessarily the problem. We have no idea why the OP's husband is lacking in the intimacy corner, but why the hell do you think we should tell this woman to shed some weight and the problem will be decreased or fixed? PLENTY of couples continue to be intimate after having children, or he gets a little larger in the middle (let's not assume that men look the way they did at the beginning of the relationship).

I have kids roughly the same age and I think that you need to tell your husband you are worried about your marriage. That you miss him and want to spend time with him.

Since you have a maid, make a night a week "date night". Nothing is to be planned over it. Go out. Do not discuss children or work. Try to remember what it is like to be a couple again. As I write this, of course, I am in total understanding of where you are coming from. He may not have words for it, so try not to make him find them. One thing I have learnt is that men lik to fix problems (not necessarily talk about them over coffee): he will probably appreciate a chance to make steps towards getting things better too.

Best of luck.

[sad_soul]

Hi ppl, thanks for all your replies. I have lost weight after giving birth. Dressing wise, whether inside or outside, i always love to dress sexy.

I go out to pamper myself. However, as I have mentioned that we do go out but only for dinner at nearby hawker ctrs.I have also mentioned to him about our marriage but he says that I am not being able to understand him. Also, I have playe the mouse but no cat to catch me in the house lol....
I dunno if this is what marriage is,,i rather take my kids and walk out of it..i dunno,,somehow,, I am alone ,, no relatives , and family doesnt keep in touch.Its only my mum, but I wouldnt want to worry her by telling her my prob.

[Wham]

Sad_Soul, I noticed that you mentioned that your second is only 5 months. Have you considered that you may have some postnatal depression? If you didn't experience it the first time - then unlikely the second time. But it DOES HAPPEN to one in seven Moms and is an extremely serious issue and not to be taken lightly. My wife suffered from a very serious case of it - so i did quite a bit of reading on it and there are some forms that only become apparent several months after birth. Something to consider and if you think you may be suffering from this DO seek some help - See http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/health_advic ... tnatal.htm

Also - MANY MANY MANY couples experience a significant decline in sexual activity after children. This is totally normal - so don't feel you are alone in this. It takes time, effort and patience to get back to the old intimacy.

[Shabu-Shabu]

I have also mentioned to him about our marriage but he says that I am not being able to understand him

Oh that happens with my fiance too but we're not married yet, just engaged. We get into lots of arguments and during then its one of us that would say that the other can't undetstand the other, not in the heat of the moment, but a genuine feeling because it's either we feel we don't want to burden the other, "anyway they won't understand" thing comes around a bit.

But one thing that has worked for me is to sit him down when he's in a good mood, or in a receptive mood, and ask him what's the problem. Say it's affecting you and the kids, (in a sense it is true, if you're depressed I kind of believe the kids can sense that in a change of tone, behaviour, so on), and tell him you're not going to judge him, because all you want to do is understand, and listen.
Tell him you just want to hear it out, you don't want to nag him, or tell him what to do unless he feels he is ready or wants to. Ask him in the sense that you convey to him you won't get angry, depressed, sad or unhappy with whatever he's going to say, and he will try to talk.

Tell him that if things go down, its only you two that can solve it together, not by keeping mum, not by trying to "prevent" the 'burden' from getting onto your shoulders and affecting you too.

It usually works for me.

[Shabu-Shabu]

I have also mentioned to him about our marriage but he says that I am not being able to understand him

Oh that happens with my fiance too but we're not married yet, just engaged. We get into lots of arguments and during then its one of us that would say that the other can't undetstand the other, not in the heat of the moment, but a genuine feeling because it's either we feel we don't want to burden the other, "anyway they won't understand" thing comes around a bit.

But one thing that has worked for me is to sit him down when he's in a good mood, or in a receptive mood, and ask him what's the problem. Say it's affecting you and the kids, (in a sense it is true, if you're depressed I kind of believe the kids can sense that in a change of tone, behaviour, so on), and tell him you're not going to judge him, because all you want to do is understand, and listen.
Tell him you just want to hear it out, you don't want to nag him, or tell him what to do unless he feels he is ready or wants to. Ask him in the sense that you convey to him you won't get angry, depressed, sad or unhappy with whatever he's going to say, and he will try to talk.

Tell him that if things go down, its only you two that can solve it together, not by keeping mum, not by trying to "prevent" the 'burden' from getting onto your shoulders and affecting you too.

It usually works for me.