Buying my time

[malcontent]

Now that I have officially submitted my letter of resignation for the end of this year, things are getting real. My departure is now locked and can’t be reversed. Although I don’t see this as goodbye forever, it’s gonna be at least 6 years before our kids finish college in the US. By then, we’ll probably be chomping at the bit to come back.

As I reflect on the 28 years I’ve lived here, one thing that surprised me is this persistent feeling throughout that I’m buying my time here. I find it very strange. After living over half of my life here, how could I still have that feeling? I can’t put my finger on the reason. I have plenty of local connections, feel very much “at home” in any setting here, everything is second nature. Was it something I did or did not do?

Any others who have lived here long-term have the same feeling?

Sometimes it strikes me that after living here so long, I should already have citizenship. But that is more from the heart than the head. If I had done that, we wouldn’t have this opportunity to move back temporarily while our kids are in college, which is something we will make the most of. For example, I have never been to Mexico or the Caribbean; never been to Yosemite or Yellowstone. After being so far away for so long… I also feel like I owe my parents more face time; they are now 86 years old.

[Wd40]

I think it is normal for any 1st generation immigrant to feel this way. No matter how long you stay in your new adopted country, a 1st gen immigrant always yearns to go back home.

It is only the 2nd generation onwards people are in this confused state whether they are from their parents native country or the country the parents adopted.

I call you an immigrant instead of an expat, because you made Singapore your home. This is no different from an Indian who moves to the western country and makes it their home, but they will never be able to forget India and shed their roots.

I read somewhere how human mind persists information when we are young; every year feels like so long. Do you remember during your school days, every year is filled with so many events and memories that is new to our brain to process and it needs to persist all that information, so that passage of time feels slow and long. But as we grow and become adults our brains have already processed and persisted most of the information about events happening around us and very few things can surprise us. So passage of time is very quick when we become adults. In a country like Singapore, where every day is pretty much the same, you can live like 30 years and feel like you have lived only 3 years here. We are just reliving the same day again and again in a loop.

For someone like me who is an expat here, it was very clear. I am here earning money but I am not really "living" here. The time I am spending here the last 15 years, I would say the 1st 5 years were pretty eventful. The last 10 years pretty much the same.

[NYY1]

I think it is probably because you don't view here as superior to your home country, either on an absolute basis or as the best longer-term option for your kids (no need to debate the merits of these).

Across the first gens in Western countries that I know, some moved and stayed because they thought wherever they were going was fundamentally better. In essence, go and don't look back.

On the other end of the spectrum, the first gens moved temporarily (usually for school or work) and ending up getting "stuck" there. Things are fine and they are not unhappy, but their birth country will always be what they associate themselves with. Some would like to go back, but often it is not feasible or just too much of a hassle.

Of those who wanted to go back, some did after the kids finished university. However, I think more have stayed (and for those who still have kids in school, more will stay) wherever their kids setup camp.

[NYY1]

As for daily life, I think many studies have shown that moving to A, B, or C usually doesn't change peoples' happiness as much as predicted. For most people, the majority of their day is the same no matter where they are.

Thus, one needs to be doing new things (work, social, leisure, etc). If not, what is described above has a high likelihood of occurring anywhere.

[Max Headroom]

Bide time?

[Wd40]

I think it is probably because you don't view here as superior to your home country, either on an absolute basis or as the best longer-term option for your kids (no need to debate the merits of these).

Across the first gens in Western countries that I know, some moved and stayed because they thought wherever they were going was fundamentally better. In essence, go and don't look back.

On the other end of the spectrum, the first gens moved temporarily (usually for school or work) and ending up getting "stuck" there. Things are fine and they are not unhappy, but their birth country will always be what they associate themselves with. Some would like to go back, but often it is not feasible or just too much of a hassle.

Of those who wanted to go back, some did after the kids finished university. However, I think more have stayed (and for those who still have kids in school, more will stay) wherever their kids setup camp.

I think there is a bit of the Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

The first time when you leave your home country, you are young and adventurous and broke. At that time our needs are mainly financial security or materialism. But after spending decades, those needs change.

We are no longer at the lowest level of the Maslow's hierarchy, regardless of whether we view our adopted country as superior or inferior.

At the higher levels of Maslow hierarchy we yearn for love and belonging and self esteem, these things are very difficult to get in an adopted country.

[smoulder]

Mal, would the feeling be any different had you tried for and received PR?

Perhaps a complete lack of belonging could be the reason why you feel like you do.

I agree with what wd40 wrote about the feeling of a 1st generation immigrant vs 2nd gen and so on. Specifically in the local context, to feel more like a Singaporean male, probably means going to NS with the other Singaporean men.

[Wd40]

Mal, would the feeling be any different had you tried for and received PR?

Perhaps a complete lack of belonging could be the reason why you feel like you do.

I agree with what wd40 wrote about the feeling of a 1st generation immigrant vs 2nd gen and so on. Specifically in the local context, to feel more like a Singaporean male, probably means going to NS with the other Singaporean men.

Yes, I would be more interested to see how my daughter or Malcontent's children will feel about where they belong.

I plan to take my daughter to India next year at the age of 13, so she will spend he prime teenage years in India which are her formative years. Also, although she has lived in Singapore all her life, her exposure in Singapore has been primarily Indian settings, Indian classmates, Indian teachers, Indian school canteen food

I noticed kids here even kids who go to local schools often stick within their own race.

So to me, my daughter already identifies herself as Indian, hopefully after she goes to India, Singapore is just some vague memories of her school friends, who she is in touch in WhatsApp groups.

[malcontent]

I agree that where one grows up tends to leave a lasting impression. Despite moving here at the tender age of 24, the town I was born and raised in still feels like home (and I always visit the town, every single trip back). That is true even though my family and I left when I was 19, and I no longer know anyone who still lives there.

It’s hard to say which country is superior. The weather here is superior (to me). I’ve never missed being back during winter. However, the cost living here put the lifestyle I had always imagined (3,000 sq.ft. landed home nestled in quiet leafy suburbs, with 2 cars in the attached garage) totally out of reach.

Had my PR been approved in 1999 would things feel different? It’s more likely that our kids would both have gotten PR, and that might have changed our school choices and outlook in general. But very hard to say.

My kids have lived here their whole lives, so they totally feel like they belong here. They are used to high rise living and love our 3 bedroom apartment. My daughter is more local than American in every conceivable way. It will be interesting to see how she feels after being away for a few years. Even back in 2001 when I had a 7 month assignment in the U.S., I started to miss Singapore.

[jalanjalan]

I feel some nostalgia for my hometown, but my memories are from the 70s-early 90s, kind of frozen in time, and not a place I can go back to. It's nice to visit, but it no longer feels like home.

[malcontent]

I feel some nostalgia for my hometown, but my memories are from the 70s-early 90s, kind of frozen in time, and not a place I can go back to. It's nice to visit, but it no longer feels like home.

Those are the exact same decades for my memories!

My hometown is only population 5,000 but that grows to over 15,000 in the summer because of tourism. Summers there are really special, perfect weather in the 70’s F (20’s C) and it’s a quintessential beach town on Lake Michigan, the laidback vibes are infectious, everyone is having a good time. You see every kind of watercraft, from yachts to jet skis, every kind of activity from kite surfing to volleyball. Whether you take a stroll or cruise around town, you’ll feel something special (or maybe it’s just me). That is summer… winter it’s more like a ghost town. Nobody on the streets, heaps of snow and bone chilling winds off of the lake. I hadn’t been back in winter until this last year and I was surprised they have now started doing up the town rather nice in winter, with strings of lights everywhere… but it’s still a ghost town.

[smoulder]

I agree that where one grows up tends to leave a lasting impression. Despite moving here at the tender age of 24, the town I was born and raised in still feels like home (and I always visit the town, every single trip back). That is true even though my family and I left when I was 19, and I no longer know anyone who still lives there.

I can totally relate to this. I grew up in Mumbai. Even though Mumbai has probably changed a fair bit since I moved out more than 20 years ago, the lively nature of the city is probably unchanged. I could probably go back there and feel completely at home even though the friends and relatives I grew up with have long since moved to various parts of the world.

[Addadude]

...As I reflect on the 28 years I’ve lived here, one thing that surprised me is this persistent feeling throughout that I’m buying my time here. I find it very strange. After living over half of my life here, how could I still have that feeling? I can’t put my finger on the reason. I have plenty of local connections, feel very much “at home” in any setting here, everything is second nature. Was it something I did or did not do?

Any others who have lived here long-term have the same feeling?

Sometimes it strikes me that after living here so long, I should already have citizenship. But that is more from the heart than the head. If I had done that, we wouldn’t have this opportunity to move back temporarily while our kids are in college, which is something we will make the most of. For example, I have never been to Mexico or the Caribbean; never been to Yosemite or Yellowstone. After being so far away for so long… I also feel like I owe my parents more face time; they are now 86 years old.

I am now at the stage where I've lived most of my life in Singapore. Much like you, I came here in the 90’s with nothing - just whatever I could pack into my 30kg luggage allowance and a tiny Berlitz Guide to Singapore (that was way out of date.) I had a job lined up with a local SME (which gave me an excellent insight into the typical local-owned SME mentality - and all that entails!) and, as the only ang moh in the company, I had to rapidly adapt to local ways.

Since that time, I've built a complete network of personal and business relationships that I no longer have back in Ireland. In many ways Singapore gave me a second start and I made a much better go of it here than the first time around in Dublin.

My parents’ passing pretty much ended whatever feeling I had that Ireland was home. I’ve got one brother and his family living there and one more living in the US. There are a couple of friends that I will always catch up with when I’m in town, but those friendships have grown more distant over the years. When I was last back in Dublin in 2018, I had to stay in a hotel as the house I grew up had been sold off years before and that completed the disconnection for me.

So Singapore, for better or worse, is my home. Do I really ‘fit in’ here? Probably not. I will always be the ang moh outsider to most of the locals around me. Do I care? Not particularly. The life I've built for myself here is pretty good and I certainly would not be any better off if I moved back. (In fact I'd probably be considerably worse off.)

[malcontent]

I am now at the stage where I've lived most of my life in Singapore. Much like you, I came here in the 90’s with nothing - just whatever I could pack into my 30kg luggage allowance and a tiny Berlitz Guide to Singapore (that was way out of date.) I had a job lined up with a local SME (which gave me an excellent insight into the typical local-owned SME mentality - and all that entails!) and, as the only ang moh in the company, I had to rapidly adapt to local ways.

Since that time, I've built a complete network of personal and business relationships that I no longer have back in Ireland. In many ways Singapore gave me a second start and I made a much better go of it here than the first time around in Dublin.

My parents’ passing pretty much ended whatever feeling I had that Ireland was home. I’ve got one brother and his family living there and one more living in the US. There are a couple of friends that I will always catch up with when I’m in town, but those friendships have grown more distant over the years. When I was last back in Dublin in 2018, I had to stay in a hotel as the house I grew up had been sold off years before and that completed the disconnection for me.

So Singapore, for better or worse, is my home. Do I really ‘fit in’ here? Probably not. I will always be the ang moh outsider to most of the locals around me. Do I care? Not particularly. The life I've built for myself here is pretty good and I certainly would not be any better off if I moved back. (In fact I'd probably be considerably worse off.)

Ireland is a place I’ve always wanted to visit. Interesting that you moved around the same time as me and in a similar situation — I honestly can say I wouldn’t come and most certainly would not have stayed were it not for my SO. Being an ang moh standout here hasn’t bothered me, but it’s just tiring sometimes to overcome perceptions. As for better or worse off, it’s hard to say in my case, but I’m content with my lot in life.

As far as friends back home, I am always amazed… I often visit my best friend from HS when I go back and we can talk for hours, it’s like time stopped - and despite our different experiences, we have so much in common that we pick right up where we left off. I know that is pretty rare though.

[Addadude]

As far as friends back home, I am always amazed… I often visit my best friend from HS when I go back and we can talk for hours, it’s like time stopped - and despite our different experiences, we have so much in common that we pick right up where we left off. I know that is pretty rare though.

That's rare indeed. I too extremely long catch up with one particular friend back in Ireland, but we've also known each other since we were teenagers, been in the same line of work and had lived and worked in Asia - him for a total of about 5 years. So there's still some commonality. But for my other friends, the relationships have definitely grow more distant.

For me it was interesting experiencing how quickly common reference points change: on my bi-annual trips to Ireland I would often find people using a kind of referenced shorthand of some scene from a TV show or statement from a politician to make a point or garner a laugh and I would be completely clueless as to the 'in-joke'. It sounds like a minor thing but it all adds up to a certain feeling of alienation. Of course all of this could be overcome over time if I were to move back but its just one more thing to add to list of 'cons' about returning. Also, having spent my formative years growing up in a home with double glazing or central heating, I have absolutely no desire to experience miserable Irish winters again!